the slumbering watcher

20231209

m moved out today. i'm holding it together. but not really. and the circumstances aren't great.

i wish i could reconcile my failure as a father with the obvious work i've put in. maybe one day.

i was the watcher for a long time, but maybe i'm done watching. or maybe not.

The Keeper

I come from far away
My boots don't know this ground
But they know it's real
It doesn't take too long
For this road to become
A battlefield

And before I let one more fire go out
Understand that I won't give one inch of ground
From beneath yours and my feet
Whatever the price happens to be
I may not be the keeper of the flame
But I am the keeper

Beauty and truth collide
Where love meets genocide
Where laughter meets fear
Confusion all around
And as I try to feed these mouths
That have never known singing

And before I let one more tear hit the ground
I will be the one standing between you and the sound
Of the rounds echoing out
Out of the dark
The smoke and the spark
Aimed at the heart of the flame
I am the keeper oh

I cannot see the light
At the end of the tunnel tonight
My eyes are weary
And before I let one more life get erased
From the ashes I will rise for you and the ghosts
Of the names the faces and frames
The love and the pain for you I remain
Though I'm not worthy of being
The keeper of the flame
I am the keeper yeah
I am the keeper,

20221030

some writing prompts:

if [ -n "$ZSH_NAME" ]; then
export PROMPT=$'%F{094}┌──(%B%F{%(#.red.blue)}%n@%m%b%F{094})[%B%F{245}%D{%H:%M:%S}%F{094}][%B%F{250}%(6~.%-1~/…/%4~.%5~)%b%F{094}]\n└─%B%(#.%F{red}#.%F{blue}$)%b%F{reset} '
else
export PS1='[\u@\h \#%][\t][\w]: '
fi

---

if [ -n "$ZSH_NAME" ]; then

export PROMPT=$'%F{062}┌──(%B%F{%(#.red.blue)}%n@%m%b%F{062})[%B%F{245}%D{%H:%M:%S}%F{062}][%B%F{250}%(6~.%-1~/…/%4~.%5~)%b%F{062}]\n└─%B%(#.%F{red}#.%F{blue}$)%b%F{reset} '
# date/time on the right side
# export RPROMPT="%F{111}%K{000}[%D{%f/%m/%y}|%@]"
else
export PS1='[\u@\h \#%][\t][\w]: '
fi

20221027

another move completed.

movement is change and change is life and every furtive gesture accomplished presents another opportunity for growth, peace, and wisdom.

am i there yet? no, but i did move.

and in that move, a modicum of self-realization amongst a data lake of time spent unaware amongst the daily doldrums and struggles of adulthood, of parenthood, of .. hood.

is there a medicine on the market for all the things that i am?

am i creatively stymied? am i complacent? or am i happy? and is the line therein as blurry as it seems.

MEM -> ABI

long days and pleasant nights.

20201021

hope this adds a little magic to your day. keep keepin' on.

20200921

had a great month. but it's a roller coaster.

"i want to fool around." "thank you for your honesty."

"don't look at me."

20200831

haven't really checked in in awhile. the secret the life may very well be gratitude.

be thankful, that's literally it.

there is so much to be thankful for in 2020.

20200829

20200828

Whelp, there it is, a complete bucket list night of sex and orgasms, the most amazing night of lovemaking in my life, I came 5 times and she came godonlyknows how many, and also I'm back under 200 lbs.

I'm almost glad we didn't connect in our 20s or we may very well have fucked ourselves to death.

Gotta thank my creator and the fates that put us here, karma or whatever I don't know but whatever it is, I have eternal gratitude, humility and respect.

20200821

Blueberry pie. 🥧

20200819

made incredible love in a tent, under the stars. there's a first!

also did i mention it was incredible?

also did i mention i have the most amazing sex life ever, we're talking amazing sex every day kinda sex life? also i'm a sex god somehow? i am though.

20200809

Used the jigsaw for the first time this morning. I am close to 200 lbs again. I am so ready to fail again but we will see.

Rode the bike for just a bit. Waiting on two covid tests.

We are watching star wars with my kiddo who has never seen them, and we are on rotj tonight.

Also, I really made mom laugh tonight, when I suggested that the reason her next door neighbor isn't very friendly is that the banana nut bread mom made for her the first week after she'd moved in had maube given her diarrhea. Kids say the darndest things.