I'm a bit depressed about a and m leaving for florida. i had my big awakening over a week ago (thanks to seeing some incriminating emails between her and d). i've since sworn off wow, tried to reclaim my life and save our marriage, and fix our issues... i've probably been smothering the shit out of a, as my ocdometer trained its focus from wow onto this new challenge, but i can't help it. m's life and well being depend on us, both of us, and i don't want to let my selfishness (or her selfishness) impede on that. what i won't (and can't) allow is her getting a free ride to cheat on me and expect me to be so naive as to have no idea what's been going on. that she's made a connection with this guy is partly my fault for being distant, but that does not give her the right to do this behind my back.
i am a good person, damnit... i have been a fairly good father, and not all that bad of a husband, although i know recently i have been neglecting a and taking her for granted. i think we've had a really good week, i'm inclined to agree with her on that, but this trip she's taking will decide a lot of things once and for all, and the thought of that is churning my stomach. i have been saying "i'm sorry" too much around her, as if our relationship's problems are my fault. this is not my fight against obesity, addiction or ocd, although that's part of it for sure. this is *our* fight at saving our marriage and giving m a better life than we had, and sometimes it feels as if i'm the only one fighting it.
a has "you're beautiful" set as the ringtone for dave, and as i read those lyrics and what they might imply, i had more of the same feelings of helplessness. she says she gets frustrated with the baby when she can't communicate what's wrong. well here i am, seemingly helpless to stop this trainwreck of inadequacy and frustration from reaching its destination. what am i supposed to do?
my only hope is that this diary will at least set my mind at ease a bit, and allow me to focus on fitness while she is gone to florida with m.
i love her. i share my feelings with her all the time, but sometimes i don't get back much of anything, which makes me wonder if she's as invested as i am in saving this.
