20150228

Really struggling today.

Emotionally,  I'm just a damn wreck.

My kid is overweight and lazy and I don't know what to do about it, because I have little to no motivation myself.  Forcing her to do things doesn't seem to do much good, no more than any other approach.

My biggest fear -- my kid ending up like me -- seems to be coming true.  

Anyway, my old hs friend is throwing a party today, and I may be the only coworker coming.  My daughter and I will know very few people, and social situations like that rarely end well for me. Maybe that's the impetus behind all the crappy feelings.  I took her to a school skating party where at least I had the blessed diversion of loud noises and low lightning under which to hide.  

This party is going to be a wide open display of how fat and socially retarded we are.  

And then there's tomorrow, some stupid pot luck Girl Scout church thing my parents are coming to.  

Can I ever not be a curmudgeon?  Is it mercurial?  Perhaps last month or last week or ten minutes ago I'd have been thrilled to attend?  What does it even have to do with me, it's my friends party for chrissakes.

Fuck.

20150223

kid:
breakfast: bowl of fruity cheerios
lunch: ham/cheese sandwich, pb crackers, avocado
snack: (small) bowl of fruity cheerios
dinner: bacon/cheese pizza, apple

me:
lunch: chicken, basically
snack: goji and raspberry chocolates
dinner: chicken poppers and cottage cheese

20150220

so, i gave up self loathing for lent.

work and school were cancelled, kiddo left out of here in the morning to the ex's.

lifted a bunch of weights today. 75 squats of various shapes and sizes, and now doing some upper body stuff.

and wow. and new toys. .

spinning my wheels in the best way possible.

20150219

can i love myself before i kill myself

20150217

the itch is back tonight and i've had very little sugar. i'm not even scared at this point. i look around at this mess than i was led into, this home that was picked for me, and i realize i'll die here. right here. and i'm resigned to it.

i wished for more -- don't we all -- but i'm a victim of myself. existentialism feeds on the terror of terrors, the despair of dread, and i've eaten my fill time and time again. my safe haven, this prison, is surrounded by fear and bordered by doubt.

co-dependence was merely an aperitif to this. i could write a song about it, here, right now, that would foment and crystalize the incredible aching of my soul, and i briefly considered it, but the prison walls have hardened against such outbursts.

my blurry vision has no tears tonight. it's just blurry vision, brought on by staring at screens and destroying my body.

i'm all dried up.

tonight, a total stranger extended a kindness to my daughter.

tonight, i couldn't hear a word a woman was saying, and my repeated answer to her was simply, no.

tonight, my daughter and i shared a laugh, mere days removed from a sickness her mother still has no clue about.

tonight, i mention something i've never mentioned before, again because of fear. such a simple thing, barely a syllable to its name. it's a part of me, as much a part of me as the body that hides its existence. a lump. and it will be my savior.

i lied. i'm not all dried up after all.

but for now, fuck it. i'm lifting.

20150217

fuck the food diary. i'm up at 3:45 AM with a very deep heel itch on my left side that strikes every few minutes. looked this shit up and it's either diabetes or renal failure. guessing my sugar is out of whack. this is like someone itching the back of my heel from the inside and it is downright painful. all i want to do is go back to sleep.

20150216

lifted hard yesterday. snowed in with kiddo, both of us have mono.

gonna try and coffee up and fight through all of this and lift some more today... and hope that school is out tomorrow too.

lunch: two leftover fried chicken wings, cottage cheese, a few bites of chicken alfredo

20150209

rejected by thumper.

kiddo had a play date.

i just want a date. i want to start. it's time to start. wtf am i waiting for anyway. i'm not going to have some god body at this point, i'm almost 40, and who even gives a shit, i am me, that should be enough for the right person