20110830
20110828
20110828
whelp, i ended up running and then going to watch ufc with friends. two couples, and me. but it was enjoyable. and i got my mind off the ex drama for a bit. which was good, and necessary. she texted me in the middle of the day with some bullshit but i just ignored it.
20110827
20110827
it's so hard doing the right thing sometimes.
i fought to keep my daughter from being exposed to her mom living out of wedlock. and i won that fight, but at a cost. it cost me a lot of stress and pain.
this morning, as the ex was picking her up, she asked me if it'd be alright for m to go to their church with them while she has her. this is how she operates. she waits until she's about to speed off with my kid in toe to ask me something like that, knowing full well what kind of reaction she'll get.
i said something like "the fact that you're asking that while our daughter is right there is abysmal. we'll talk on the phone. i smiled at m and said have a good weekend and they drove off.
i steamed and debated calling my mom about it but i knew she'd just go through the roof and it'd stress her out too, which is never my intent. instead, i took some time to relax, and i called the ex back. i told her no, in no uncertain terms, she was not allowed to take her to that church, as it had nothing to do with m, she just wanted it to be convenient and parade my kid around like my ex is some sort of good mother in front of her boyfriend's family. also, in the divorce papers, the responsibility for religious upbringing is specifically denoted as mine, so she knows she's got no leg to stand on legally.
her response: "you are such an incredible piece of shit. all you want to do is make life difficult for me right now. go fuck yourself" and hung up.
and now i have a full weekend ahead of me to worry about my child's well being and safety.
and i don't even want to be here anymore. turns out maybe there's nothing wrong with me.. there's just a lot wrong with the world.
i fought to keep my daughter from being exposed to her mom living out of wedlock. and i won that fight, but at a cost. it cost me a lot of stress and pain.
this morning, as the ex was picking her up, she asked me if it'd be alright for m to go to their church with them while she has her. this is how she operates. she waits until she's about to speed off with my kid in toe to ask me something like that, knowing full well what kind of reaction she'll get.
i said something like "the fact that you're asking that while our daughter is right there is abysmal. we'll talk on the phone. i smiled at m and said have a good weekend and they drove off.
i steamed and debated calling my mom about it but i knew she'd just go through the roof and it'd stress her out too, which is never my intent. instead, i took some time to relax, and i called the ex back. i told her no, in no uncertain terms, she was not allowed to take her to that church, as it had nothing to do with m, she just wanted it to be convenient and parade my kid around like my ex is some sort of good mother in front of her boyfriend's family. also, in the divorce papers, the responsibility for religious upbringing is specifically denoted as mine, so she knows she's got no leg to stand on legally.
her response: "you are such an incredible piece of shit. all you want to do is make life difficult for me right now. go fuck yourself" and hung up.
and now i have a full weekend ahead of me to worry about my child's well being and safety.
and i don't even want to be here anymore. turns out maybe there's nothing wrong with me.. there's just a lot wrong with the world.
20110825
20110825
a/c is back on.
i'm stuck in the doldrums of weight loss.
and oh yeah my kid is getting fat too.
that's too much to bear. everything is spiraling out of control.
i'm stuck in the doldrums of weight loss.
and oh yeah my kid is getting fat too.
that's too much to bear. everything is spiraling out of control.
20110823
20110823
a/c company will be here between 3-7. which is awesome, cause i totally don't pick up my kid anywhere in that window of time.
20110822
20110821
20110821
park, target, home, tv. made her fish sticks, mashed potatoes and peas and she said it was the best dinner she's had in years. grrreat.
i ate way too much this weekend. let's see:
balogna sandwich, chocolate bar, chicken nuggets, grape nuts, macaroni and cheese
breakfast burrito, chips and dip, beef jerky, olives, aforementioned fish sticks
i ate way too much this weekend. let's see:
balogna sandwich, chocolate bar, chicken nuggets, grape nuts, macaroni and cheese
breakfast burrito, chips and dip, beef jerky, olives, aforementioned fish sticks
20110820
20110820
woke up and decided saturday morning was yard morning. cut the grass eated the weeds and vacuumed everything up. lazy morning pretty much, mood was good. it rained about lunch. so i take my kid to puttputt. although we didn't play puttputt there. the rain pushed through really quick, but she didn't want to golf, just play arcade games and do the go-kart. we had a blast with the karts, but the arcades were a dud as usual.. bunch of "lose your money" type games. i got zero vibes from any woman in the place, and that sorta soured my mood, even though that's completely silly. doesn't help that i'm horny as fuck.. i feel like i have a little kid's face, and i don't know how to dress, and no one is drawn to that. it sucks.
20110819
20110819
the ex is moving to the next county. so far this is a positive. unfortunately, she throws curves better than a wiffle ball, so the jury's out for now.
20110818
20110818
230 lbs. it is my current barrier. i can't break it. every morning, no matter how many miles i run, i seem to weigh this same amount. it has been EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS, and here i am at 230. my body is fighting me every step of the way. i am so tired of sleepeating. so tired of the mental charades that i cannot master. this is the one part of my life i've managed to be somewhat positive about. i've devoted all my energy towards it because logic dictates that i can succeed here, as long as i put in enough willpower and effort. but like everything in life, i am being proven otherwise. this is the one aspect of my life i feel like *i* can control. i can't predict what my useless ex is going to do. i can't deal with the randomness of relationships right now. i can barely maintain order in the swirling vortex of day-to-day parenthood. and so that makes this failure all the worse. just this *one* thing in life, i want to fix. and i'm failing. and what's really sad is in the grand scheme of things, with my frame, all i really need to lose is 10-20 lbs. but i can't. in the most ignorant, charlatan terms available, i have a demon inside me, always hungry, always consuming and never rewarding, placing me into a transcendental state of acquiescent compliance. i try to eat protein and run. i try to keep healthy food in the house. healthy snacks. i walk to work. take the stairs. i haven't had alcohol in six months. i keep no soft drinks in the house. i drink water only. none of it matters. i could eat a sole diet of rice cakes and my body would find a way to turn it into lethargy.
I MUST CONQUER MYSELF.
or die trying.
I MUST CONQUER MYSELF.
or die trying.
20110817
20110816
20110816
we both had bad dreams last night. she asked me the following question at 7am:
"daddy did you move me to the horde last night?"
"..."
"daddy?"
"..."
"did you move me to mrs hoard's class?" (mrs hoard is the *other* 1st grade teacher)
"oh. no, sweetie, you just had a bad dream."
i'm so tired of work. but i have nothing other than work.
i am a ghost. invisible to most.
ran at lunch, around 4mi, left quad is sore now, i think i've overdone it in the last week. hamstrings are overtaking my quads, i really need to go ahead and pull the trigger on a bike. trek soho is what i'm looking at. internal gear hub ftw.
picked her up, she'd had a good day and got a tcby card, so we went there. she had hamburger, cauliflower and pasta for dinner. and yogurt later. we played some tag, played trash (card game), made party hats, watched a man vs wild ep, and she read "penny" to me.
"daddy, just so you know, i never want to go to a desert. i'll never be up for that. now, ireland, i could do." "..."
managed to get her outside to run with me for awhile as well. it feels nicer outside. three showers today.
but here's the truth. fair warning.
she's been asleep for awhile. the dog is guarding her. no one is guarding me. tool is playing. the dryer is running. the dryer is always running. i wish i looked good without my shirt on. i wish i wasn't a ghost. but i am.. invisible to most.
somewhere across town, my ex wife is sucking the marrow out of another man's life. and i hate her for it. when running does nothing for my mood there is an obvious problem. or is there?
i have naught other than this dark room and this lcd at 9pm. i have an outdated home, a hamper full of clothes, neighbors i don't know, friends i ignore, routines i obey, and mores i abhor and yet practice. i'm reading "the art of war" again. i don't know why i bother. breathing is war. greasing my cog for the interminable machine is war. life is war. i'm so tired of fighting. i want to lay my head back in the stream of time and float, drift past the current into the future, open my eyes and find them closed. at peace. a heart broken beats to its masters discontent. the owner feels and hears and knows that every beat is a discordant despondent reminder that there can be no peace until it has stopped. quietude is the only true peace, which is perhaps why so many societies resort to war. no one knows how to just shut the fuck up and we can't stand others and we'd just as soon kill everyone around us but war gives us a righteous out, a pedestal of collective guilt relief empowering us to create silence and peace for others and attain accolades in the process. having your cake and eating it too. that was big with the ex.
my eyes burn with the fractious forethoughts i cannot contain or stem. yes, i know where we're headed. inevitable and unavoidable as water making its own path against all protestation and engineering.
and afterwards, in reality, it'll have been just another blithering idiot flushed down the toilet.
hell, even if i got what i want, some runner girl jumps in my bed, i would be right back to square one. obsequious and fawning and altogether an embarrassment. what a failure.
remember, i want "ten years gone" played. and fuck everyone who doesn't want to listen.
"then, as it was, then again it will be. though the course may change sometimes, rivers always reach the sea."
"daddy did you move me to the horde last night?"
"..."
"daddy?"
"..."
"did you move me to mrs hoard's class?" (mrs hoard is the *other* 1st grade teacher)
"oh. no, sweetie, you just had a bad dream."
i'm so tired of work. but i have nothing other than work.
i am a ghost. invisible to most.
ran at lunch, around 4mi, left quad is sore now, i think i've overdone it in the last week. hamstrings are overtaking my quads, i really need to go ahead and pull the trigger on a bike. trek soho is what i'm looking at. internal gear hub ftw.
picked her up, she'd had a good day and got a tcby card, so we went there. she had hamburger, cauliflower and pasta for dinner. and yogurt later. we played some tag, played trash (card game), made party hats, watched a man vs wild ep, and she read "penny" to me.
"daddy, just so you know, i never want to go to a desert. i'll never be up for that. now, ireland, i could do." "..."
managed to get her outside to run with me for awhile as well. it feels nicer outside. three showers today.
but here's the truth. fair warning.
she's been asleep for awhile. the dog is guarding her. no one is guarding me. tool is playing. the dryer is running. the dryer is always running. i wish i looked good without my shirt on. i wish i wasn't a ghost. but i am.. invisible to most.
somewhere across town, my ex wife is sucking the marrow out of another man's life. and i hate her for it. when running does nothing for my mood there is an obvious problem. or is there?
i have naught other than this dark room and this lcd at 9pm. i have an outdated home, a hamper full of clothes, neighbors i don't know, friends i ignore, routines i obey, and mores i abhor and yet practice. i'm reading "the art of war" again. i don't know why i bother. breathing is war. greasing my cog for the interminable machine is war. life is war. i'm so tired of fighting. i want to lay my head back in the stream of time and float, drift past the current into the future, open my eyes and find them closed. at peace. a heart broken beats to its masters discontent. the owner feels and hears and knows that every beat is a discordant despondent reminder that there can be no peace until it has stopped. quietude is the only true peace, which is perhaps why so many societies resort to war. no one knows how to just shut the fuck up and we can't stand others and we'd just as soon kill everyone around us but war gives us a righteous out, a pedestal of collective guilt relief empowering us to create silence and peace for others and attain accolades in the process. having your cake and eating it too. that was big with the ex.
my eyes burn with the fractious forethoughts i cannot contain or stem. yes, i know where we're headed. inevitable and unavoidable as water making its own path against all protestation and engineering.
and afterwards, in reality, it'll have been just another blithering idiot flushed down the toilet.
hell, even if i got what i want, some runner girl jumps in my bed, i would be right back to square one. obsequious and fawning and altogether an embarrassment. what a failure.
remember, i want "ten years gone" played. and fuck everyone who doesn't want to listen.
"then, as it was, then again it will be. though the course may change sometimes, rivers always reach the sea."
20110813
20110813
5 mile run, 5 hours in the car, and a good lunner (whatever the brunch equivalent of lunch +
dinner is) with a friend.
kiddo was returned to me after 6pm with three stapled pieces of paper with different forms of dance written in crayon. among them was one entitled "fuck". i called the ex who informed me that her boyfriend had told her "funk". fine, honest mistake. so my kid wants to teach me some dance steps. i do it of course (i am, after all, a square dancing jedi master.. not really) but i asked why mommy didn't dance with her and she said she was very busy and that she's not a play person but a work person. she apparently spent today looking for new rental homes for her and her new boyfriend, while m was left to her own devices. i asked her why her mommy was going out partying with her friends tonight if she was a work person, and i told her to demand that her mommy play with her. m kinda teared up and i kinda felt like i made a mistake, but i needed to make her understand. she told me she wanted to dance because she wouldn't think about mommy not playing with her.. and i almost cried. i guess i should just resolve myself to the fact that my kid will stick up for her shitty mom at all times. but i'm going to fight for the truth. and lose. as usual.
dinner is) with a friend.
kiddo was returned to me after 6pm with three stapled pieces of paper with different forms of dance written in crayon. among them was one entitled "fuck". i called the ex who informed me that her boyfriend had told her "funk". fine, honest mistake. so my kid wants to teach me some dance steps. i do it of course (i am, after all, a square dancing jedi master.. not really) but i asked why mommy didn't dance with her and she said she was very busy and that she's not a play person but a work person. she apparently spent today looking for new rental homes for her and her new boyfriend, while m was left to her own devices. i asked her why her mommy was going out partying with her friends tonight if she was a work person, and i told her to demand that her mommy play with her. m kinda teared up and i kinda felt like i made a mistake, but i needed to make her understand. she told me she wanted to dance because she wouldn't think about mommy not playing with her.. and i almost cried. i guess i should just resolve myself to the fact that my kid will stick up for her shitty mom at all times. but i'm going to fight for the truth. and lose. as usual.
20110812
20110812
Send a note when you get a chance
Courtesy of happenstance
Fritter the consequences away
Care of yesterday
A psyche swarmed with careless means
Thanks to mediocrity
Imagine a victim who's stolen your eyes
Addressed to compromise
Some birds die with wings held wide
Most you never find
Double down on collective inequity
Collect your candidacy
Filter out all the positive matches
Whoever that is
Courtesy of happenstance
Fritter the consequences away
Care of yesterday
A psyche swarmed with careless means
Thanks to mediocrity
Imagine a victim who's stolen your eyes
Addressed to compromise
Some birds die with wings held wide
Most you never find
Double down on collective inequity
Collect your candidacy
Filter out all the positive matches
Whoever that is
20110810
20110810
she's off to school, first grade, day one. got some pictures this morning. she's in a decent mood i think, scared and excited at the same time. i can definitely relate to that particular emotional amalgam. so i have another great guitar progression that needs vocals, and i need a theme.
20110809
20110809
absence makes the heart grow fond. staying away from people. was a question before, but i can't answer you anymore. skip to the scene where we meet, and wrote a song. i did everything right, for somebody that does everything wrong.
yeah, it feels just like that.
yeah, it feels just like that.
20110808
20110807
one of the best ever written.
kiddo is registered for school. so many awkward moments and forced conversations. when will i again be comfortable in my skin?
kiddo is registered for school. so many awkward moments and forced conversations. when will i again be comfortable in my skin?
20110806
20110806
'cause every remembrance of you has been buried below
... every memory that i unhappily know
and yet my ex continues to text and call me.
i had some weird pains in my head while going to sleep. i hope it's serious.
... every memory that i unhappily know
and yet my ex continues to text and call me.
i had some weird pains in my head while going to sleep. i hope it's serious.
20110804
20110804
something came from nothing today, while i was saying "no".
listening to the beatles instead of elliott for once today. wishing it wasn't so damned hot.
listening to the beatles instead of elliott for once today. wishing it wasn't so damned hot.
20110803
20110803
"sucker punch" is coming together well, just needs a refrain to come to me. it'll come to me. it's about being so afraid of the future that you neglect today, and forget to live. it's upbeat.
wondering if my songwriting has become just another escape. is anything about me real? or am i just the sum total of my current pastimes?
it was way too hot to run this morning. it's going to be the hottest day of the year. sitting in my house doing bench press sets at 5:30 am. i've pushed everyone away. my child is gone all week, as her camp is done. so here i sit, quiet and patient, but afraid and hidden away.
"you seem to think i'm random, but i'm only psuedo-random. you would be exactly this way, were you seeded at the very same time and place."
wondering if my songwriting has become just another escape. is anything about me real? or am i just the sum total of my current pastimes?
it was way too hot to run this morning. it's going to be the hottest day of the year. sitting in my house doing bench press sets at 5:30 am. i've pushed everyone away. my child is gone all week, as her camp is done. so here i sit, quiet and patient, but afraid and hidden away.
"you seem to think i'm random, but i'm only psuedo-random. you would be exactly this way, were you seeded at the very same time and place."
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