Another month signals defeat
Ides of March have again passed
Healing process stuck on 33 1/3
Grip tight the latest die uncast
Arpeggiated patterns of grief
Fresh from the sticker shock
Stake a claim in a lucid dream
Sadly, Happiness is not in stock
Zero to alone in 34 years
A psyche with the brake lines cut
Wish for a way to slow it down
Invent new anchors to stay put
Stop choking on old miseries
Start relearning how to breathe
Jettison the unsolved mysteries
Learn to live or learn to leave.
20110331
20110330
20110330
Dream/Nightmare?:
Dinner party with friends, I announce while she is on the phone that we are breaking up. I go outside and the planets are aligning in the night sky and are all visible with the naked eye (they were huge and beautiful). I tell everyone to come out and see and she eventually comes too. We start talking and she starts crying telling me she wants to be a kid again, and I say it's impossible. She suggests we go somewhere private to talk so we do. We are discussing the situation, she mentions that she'll get back together but she wants to keep having sex with other guys.. and all of a sudden c is sitting there. I tell him I think he's much better for her than her current boyfriend and him and I are almost instant friends, to her amazement.
I wake up at 5:30 and now I almost want to call him and tell him I'm actually worried about her. How fucked up is that?
The truth is, even with his holy roller hypocrisy and narcissism he was a much safer match for her than a metalhead drummer with two kids who (from her own mouth) mistreats her. I'm so conflicted though.. most of the time if you'd ask me I want her to take a long walk off a short pier. Deep in my psyche I still care for her well being on some level. I wish I could remove that from the equation, but I guess hating her to the core just isn't something I can do. This clearly stinks, as it will make my healing process more prolonged and painful because of these stupid conflicting emotions. Can't stand her presence until I'm dreaming. When will my dreams reconcile? Never?
Dinner party with friends, I announce while she is on the phone that we are breaking up. I go outside and the planets are aligning in the night sky and are all visible with the naked eye (they were huge and beautiful). I tell everyone to come out and see and she eventually comes too. We start talking and she starts crying telling me she wants to be a kid again, and I say it's impossible. She suggests we go somewhere private to talk so we do. We are discussing the situation, she mentions that she'll get back together but she wants to keep having sex with other guys.. and all of a sudden c is sitting there. I tell him I think he's much better for her than her current boyfriend and him and I are almost instant friends, to her amazement.
I wake up at 5:30 and now I almost want to call him and tell him I'm actually worried about her. How fucked up is that?
The truth is, even with his holy roller hypocrisy and narcissism he was a much safer match for her than a metalhead drummer with two kids who (from her own mouth) mistreats her. I'm so conflicted though.. most of the time if you'd ask me I want her to take a long walk off a short pier. Deep in my psyche I still care for her well being on some level. I wish I could remove that from the equation, but I guess hating her to the core just isn't something I can do. This clearly stinks, as it will make my healing process more prolonged and painful because of these stupid conflicting emotions. Can't stand her presence until I'm dreaming. When will my dreams reconcile? Never?
20110329
20110329
Awkwardness is just part of me
Sharing it is out of the question
Opiate for an opening
My head is a brush fire
I can't make any sense at all
Not thinking straight in the least
Brain is failing rapidly I guess
Fuck it.. In other news
The ex called her own child a
"spoiled little brat" today
I told her to never do it again
What a shitty parent she is
I really had such bad judgement
All the karma bills are here
Husk of deceit and dominion
Good night
Sharing it is out of the question
Opiate for an opening
My head is a brush fire
I can't make any sense at all
Not thinking straight in the least
Brain is failing rapidly I guess
Fuck it.. In other news
The ex called her own child a
"spoiled little brat" today
I told her to never do it again
What a shitty parent she is
I really had such bad judgement
All the karma bills are here
Husk of deceit and dominion
Good night
20110328
20110328
Windy cold and wet morning
Oh and it's a Monday
In spite of all this I will try
Unmapped territory!
This whole "positive" thing
Checked my horoscope today
Because I'm a woman, you see
Indecisive about travel it said
The first laugh of the morning
It's too pretty for a Monday
Cold and crisp with few clouds
The sun had been at my back
Crawling up from his horizon
Now I turn to return, and see it
Gilded in bright, welcoming gold
These cold mornings are the best
Not that I'm a morning person
Let's not give that impression
When there's no heat to sap you
No give and take, only giving
And the cold feels.. comfortable
I remember how much I missed it
That simple feeling of comfort
Even the random songs are happy
Strange how that happens
Or maybe they were happy
All along
Oh and it's a Monday
In spite of all this I will try
Unmapped territory!
This whole "positive" thing
Checked my horoscope today
Because I'm a woman, you see
Indecisive about travel it said
The first laugh of the morning
It's too pretty for a Monday
Cold and crisp with few clouds
The sun had been at my back
Crawling up from his horizon
Now I turn to return, and see it
Gilded in bright, welcoming gold
These cold mornings are the best
Not that I'm a morning person
Let's not give that impression
When there's no heat to sap you
No give and take, only giving
And the cold feels.. comfortable
I remember how much I missed it
That simple feeling of comfort
Even the random songs are happy
Strange how that happens
Or maybe they were happy
All along
20110327
20110327
Define yourself
In ten words or less
Is it limiting or liberating
Can it even be completed
Let's make it even easier
How about three words or less
How about a single word
If you were to pick one word
To adequately describe yourself
As accurately as possible
What would that one word be?
Yes, you can indeed find one
One that stretches the gamut
One to represent your whole life
Don't answer by convention
What you think you should say
Dig deep and uncover that word
Hold it in your mind for a bit
Focus intently on your definition
Tumble it towards perfection
Now tell the truth,
Are you proud of what you are?
In ten words or less
Is it limiting or liberating
Can it even be completed
Let's make it even easier
How about three words or less
How about a single word
If you were to pick one word
To adequately describe yourself
As accurately as possible
What would that one word be?
Yes, you can indeed find one
One that stretches the gamut
One to represent your whole life
Don't answer by convention
What you think you should say
Dig deep and uncover that word
Hold it in your mind for a bit
Focus intently on your definition
Tumble it towards perfection
Now tell the truth,
Are you proud of what you are?
20110326
20110326
Close your eyes for white noise
Drain the spectrum entirely
Those pesky colors washed away
Blurry sea of forced abstinence
An apex of unborn creativity
Accelerate rebirth into society
Dream of friends you don't have
Friends who can send her away
Pretty friends from a bygone era
You're only young once you know
Pain is the only constant here
The only thing that makes sense
Pain follows your formulas well
Derived from the math upstairs
The rest is is shrouded in fog
Imperfect soup of emotions
The senses enjoy betraying me
Dust settles on every surface
Ticking clock and droning fan
And our dog smells of old people
She tells me this jokingly
My brain colors in the gaps
Indirect insults hit their mark
Petrie dish of unwashed emotion
Mixed according to her specs
She still has such power over me
Why do I continue to live
Under her roof of oppression
Why do I continue to live at all
Dire whimsy at a moment's notice
Bet my whole life on stability
She left because she was bored
Still subject to her doldrums
Might work her magic elsewhere
But I'm doomed to be her victim
Every relationship ends like this
Every friendship ends like this
Every one leads to codependence
The evidence is overwhelming
Three choices: be a punching bag
Be the boxer, or refuse to play
There's always the other choice
Here I am mewling like a child
Still crying at the oddest times
No one's around to see it though
No one gives a fuck where I go
So I might as well just go
Sirens rush to help another
Foolish enough to cry for help
You won't make that mistake
Will you
Drain the spectrum entirely
Those pesky colors washed away
Blurry sea of forced abstinence
An apex of unborn creativity
Accelerate rebirth into society
Dream of friends you don't have
Friends who can send her away
Pretty friends from a bygone era
You're only young once you know
Pain is the only constant here
The only thing that makes sense
Pain follows your formulas well
Derived from the math upstairs
The rest is is shrouded in fog
Imperfect soup of emotions
The senses enjoy betraying me
Dust settles on every surface
Ticking clock and droning fan
And our dog smells of old people
She tells me this jokingly
My brain colors in the gaps
Indirect insults hit their mark
Petrie dish of unwashed emotion
Mixed according to her specs
She still has such power over me
Why do I continue to live
Under her roof of oppression
Why do I continue to live at all
Dire whimsy at a moment's notice
Bet my whole life on stability
She left because she was bored
Still subject to her doldrums
Might work her magic elsewhere
But I'm doomed to be her victim
Every relationship ends like this
Every friendship ends like this
Every one leads to codependence
The evidence is overwhelming
Three choices: be a punching bag
Be the boxer, or refuse to play
There's always the other choice
Here I am mewling like a child
Still crying at the oddest times
No one's around to see it though
No one gives a fuck where I go
So I might as well just go
Sirens rush to help another
Foolish enough to cry for help
You won't make that mistake
Will you
20110325
20110325
Guessing failure succeeded again
Hardtop veneer remains intact
No great surprise, no mystery
Acts of charity couldn't crack it
Occasionally tears bleed through
Send it away, laugh it off
A hand-me-down intimacy shield
Eventually light kills the moth
Please unplug this pinball heart
Growing weary of the feeling
This bumper car has a flat again
Growing dizzy from the reeling
Then consider the tortured mind
An unapologetic vice grip
No capacity for letting go
Couldn't even make the trip.
Hardtop veneer remains intact
No great surprise, no mystery
Acts of charity couldn't crack it
Occasionally tears bleed through
Send it away, laugh it off
A hand-me-down intimacy shield
Eventually light kills the moth
Please unplug this pinball heart
Growing weary of the feeling
This bumper car has a flat again
Growing dizzy from the reeling
Then consider the tortured mind
An unapologetic vice grip
No capacity for letting go
Couldn't even make the trip.
20110324
20110324-4
I write too much today I think
Words pour like so much wine
Or is it blood, hemorrhaging
I keep blotting it out
She keeps rubbing it in
Happily married to herself
The stain meets in the middle
Unwashed, unkempt, unclean
Keep throwing your mind at it
The gulf only widens more
Treat it like a minor scrape
You're going to get well
My whole body is the scab
Peel and peel and peel
Help me, please.
Words pour like so much wine
Or is it blood, hemorrhaging
I keep blotting it out
She keeps rubbing it in
Happily married to herself
The stain meets in the middle
Unwashed, unkempt, unclean
Keep throwing your mind at it
The gulf only widens more
Treat it like a minor scrape
You're going to get well
My whole body is the scab
Peel and peel and peel
Help me, please.
20110324-3
Take all you can get, you're told
You earned a do-over at life
Many people just disappear
Gradually fade from view
Like that last, hopeful glimpse
Over your shoulder
As you leave the best vacation ever
You know damn well you'll not be going back
Not anytime soon, dear traveler
Responsibilities and all that
Get back to your whoring
Tend those tiny withdrawals
And hope the balance sheet make sense
Hope anything makes sense soon
Cause your mind is convinced
Nothing is better than nothing
Drill deeper inside for safety
Why haven't I reached my core
A white dwarf is still a star
But all it does is explode
And all I want to do is explode
Finished and incomplete, thanks
You earned a do-over at life
Many people just disappear
Gradually fade from view
Like that last, hopeful glimpse
Over your shoulder
As you leave the best vacation ever
You know damn well you'll not be going back
Not anytime soon, dear traveler
Responsibilities and all that
Get back to your whoring
Tend those tiny withdrawals
And hope the balance sheet make sense
Hope anything makes sense soon
Cause your mind is convinced
Nothing is better than nothing
Drill deeper inside for safety
Why haven't I reached my core
A white dwarf is still a star
But all it does is explode
And all I want to do is explode
Finished and incomplete, thanks
20110324-2
Nightmare: I remember someone driving me, a, and some friends to Florida .. We were in the back on some sort of cot so it must have been a van or something. She holds up a scrap of paper with a drawing of a girl and tells me that's why we can't be together. I am furious at her and try to convince her I am not cheating. We somehow take some turn through the city an are in the mountains. I think I'm remembering Colorado. She tells me she has been thinking of me and I wake up.
20110323
20110323
Another bad dream for moi
Was talking things over with c
And it was surreal for sure
Why did he sound British
I am so worried about this guy
If he is a violent person
As she all but admitted to me
My daughter will see it soon
What if he hits a in front of her
What if he abuses his kids
Ugh I need to stop right now
My friend says don't sign it
Because she's moving in with him
Out of wedlock, of course
Which will confuse my kid
I need to be stronger than ever
Can I be stronger than her
Maybe I always was anyway
That's what's bothering her
I am a damn good single parent
And I'll be a good husband again
If I find the right one I guess
So disappointing to have failed
M deserves so much more
I will need to be better
Can I do this without god
I don't know what I believe in
I want there to be a god
But it's not really about me is it.
Was talking things over with c
And it was surreal for sure
Why did he sound British
I am so worried about this guy
If he is a violent person
As she all but admitted to me
My daughter will see it soon
What if he hits a in front of her
What if he abuses his kids
Ugh I need to stop right now
My friend says don't sign it
Because she's moving in with him
Out of wedlock, of course
Which will confuse my kid
I need to be stronger than ever
Can I be stronger than her
Maybe I always was anyway
That's what's bothering her
I am a damn good single parent
And I'll be a good husband again
If I find the right one I guess
So disappointing to have failed
M deserves so much more
I will need to be better
Can I do this without god
I don't know what I believe in
I want there to be a god
But it's not really about me is it.
20110322
20110322-2
Wound to my head they tell me
How did it ever get there
I am not feeling pretty today
Maybe the holes are elsewhere
Goodbye to the gold standard
Wearing more hats than needed
Don your disguise and run for it
A sidewalk injustice each day
Verses from your own bible
QFT, your drowning routine
Repeated for no good reason
The young deceivers worn out
Their receptors misconfigured
You assuredly lost her
Your third place trophy wife
The slowest bullet on the market
Still killing in her absence
Carry it all safely on your back
Nameless malady of body image
A 34 year old inferiority complex
Lose the weight, sure
Easy for you to say, asshole
This weight isn't on my skin
It's all in my head.
How did it ever get there
I am not feeling pretty today
Maybe the holes are elsewhere
Goodbye to the gold standard
Wearing more hats than needed
Don your disguise and run for it
A sidewalk injustice each day
Verses from your own bible
QFT, your drowning routine
Repeated for no good reason
The young deceivers worn out
Their receptors misconfigured
You assuredly lost her
Your third place trophy wife
The slowest bullet on the market
Still killing in her absence
Carry it all safely on your back
Nameless malady of body image
A 34 year old inferiority complex
Lose the weight, sure
Easy for you to say, asshole
This weight isn't on my skin
It's all in my head.
20110322
Behind closed doors they live
Venturing out into civilization
Just like the dog in the morning
Instinct pulls them outside
Cry out boisterously for freedom
Yearning to pull back the veil
Join the rank and file
Is humanity really that appealing
Some days it is.
Venturing out into civilization
Just like the dog in the morning
Instinct pulls them outside
Cry out boisterously for freedom
Yearning to pull back the veil
Join the rank and file
Is humanity really that appealing
Some days it is.
20110321
20110321
Another fine day, no running
But thats okay, I'll start Tue
Spring fills me with promise
Renewed optimism for life
The future without her
Live for it, figure me out
Warmth of secrets foretold
Gifted to others on their trip
A sojourn of afterthought
Who am I? We shall see.
But thats okay, I'll start Tue
Spring fills me with promise
Renewed optimism for life
The future without her
Live for it, figure me out
Warmth of secrets foretold
Gifted to others on their trip
A sojourn of afterthought
Who am I? We shall see.
20110320
20110320
M has had a pink blanket "blankie" since she was a baby. She loves it more than anything, but it is tattered and torn to shreds. I dreamed I found a store which sold them and I bought her a new one. When I talked to the sales rep I was practically in tears. A good dream the morning after I get her back. Not a coincidence!
20110319
20110319
I finally missed a day with my diary. This is a good thing. I went to the required parenting class which lasted all morning, then went to pick up kidlet, who's been with mom for spring break. ex never called her the entire week. We spent the rest of the day playing and having fun. I moved her room back to the original pink room and she absolutely loved it. It was just a great day.
There was a hottie named Nadia in parenting class.. My age, two kids.. she was impressed I'm doing this all by myself. But I think I had the saddest story of the four in the class. I told it with candor and blunt honesty, as it's all i know.
Good news: I'm beginning to emerge from my self-imposed female exile.
Bad news: I'm beginning to emerge from my self-imposed female exile.
There was a hottie named Nadia in parenting class.. My age, two kids.. she was impressed I'm doing this all by myself. But I think I had the saddest story of the four in the class. I told it with candor and blunt honesty, as it's all i know.
Good news: I'm beginning to emerge from my self-imposed female exile.
Bad news: I'm beginning to emerge from my self-imposed female exile.
20110318
20110318
Thus ends my socialization
I reluctantly concede defeat
Making a dent in this hurts
I must emulate Bird
Retreat to my safe place
And begin a real construction
Or possibly a deconstruction
Tear yourself apart over again
All for a greater goal
Surrounded by hoary underlings
None of it ever mattered
Live up in your head
Just like Elliott perfected
Let the idiots swarm past
Upstream in a current of fools
Your nirvana exists upstairs
Nowhere else but upstairs
Keep the control rods jammed in
Find ways to slow the brain
You overthought at every turn
So take a hit and push down
No one ever really knew you
No one would ever want to
And I plan to keep it that way
I reluctantly concede defeat
Making a dent in this hurts
I must emulate Bird
Retreat to my safe place
And begin a real construction
Or possibly a deconstruction
Tear yourself apart over again
All for a greater goal
Surrounded by hoary underlings
None of it ever mattered
Live up in your head
Just like Elliott perfected
Let the idiots swarm past
Upstream in a current of fools
Your nirvana exists upstairs
Nowhere else but upstairs
Keep the control rods jammed in
Find ways to slow the brain
You overthought at every turn
So take a hit and push down
No one ever really knew you
No one would ever want to
And I plan to keep it that way
20110317
20110317-2
Today frames my mood well
It's amazing outside
I'm surrounded by beauty
Young women each on their way
Singularity of form and purpose
Belies a determination of youth
They all politely ignore me
I've never felt this trapped
Powerless with my shirt off
I drink nothing but water
Indulge in practically nothing
Exercise like a madman possessed
And still I cannot make a dent
What is the secret anyway
Perhaps it's merely akin to love
These tumors strapped to me
Encased in so many anchors
Perhaps like love, it just.. is
And there's no right answer
You will still be you afterwards
No matter the amount lost
Burn every calorie you want
No matter the sacrificial cost
The mirror refuses to lie for you
Run until you injure yourself
Lift until your body gives out
It makes little difference
When you look down, you'll know
Days only roll forward you know
Ready to settle yet?
It's amazing outside
I'm surrounded by beauty
Young women each on their way
Singularity of form and purpose
Belies a determination of youth
They all politely ignore me
I've never felt this trapped
Powerless with my shirt off
I drink nothing but water
Indulge in practically nothing
Exercise like a madman possessed
And still I cannot make a dent
What is the secret anyway
Perhaps it's merely akin to love
These tumors strapped to me
Encased in so many anchors
Perhaps like love, it just.. is
And there's no right answer
You will still be you afterwards
No matter the amount lost
Burn every calorie you want
No matter the sacrificial cost
The mirror refuses to lie for you
Run until you injure yourself
Lift until your body gives out
It makes little difference
When you look down, you'll know
Days only roll forward you know
Ready to settle yet?
20110317
Far too pretty this morning
The earth mocks my mood
A rich birdland symphony
Conducted amongst the trees
Nature unaware of our tragedy
The chaos unfolding right now
People cannot fathom it
Surely this can't happen here
But it can, and it will
Soon we'll crawl on our bellies
Jagged lines of defiance
Soon we'll vote with hot lead
Misunderstood freedom
Fear runs rampant across her
A once great country belittled
Brought to her knees, sadly
Two hundred years to rise
A few short weeks to fall
Our money turned meaningless
Worthless spanning the world
Superpower evicted
And will due course and fairness
We deserve every bit of it
But that doesn't set me at ease
I was foolish enough to breed
So now I worry for both of us
Our yellow star blankets me
Warmth from the heavens
But as usual, it's not enough
The earth mocks my mood
A rich birdland symphony
Conducted amongst the trees
Nature unaware of our tragedy
The chaos unfolding right now
People cannot fathom it
Surely this can't happen here
But it can, and it will
Soon we'll crawl on our bellies
Jagged lines of defiance
Soon we'll vote with hot lead
Misunderstood freedom
Fear runs rampant across her
A once great country belittled
Brought to her knees, sadly
Two hundred years to rise
A few short weeks to fall
Our money turned meaningless
Worthless spanning the world
Superpower evicted
And will due course and fairness
We deserve every bit of it
But that doesn't set me at ease
I was foolish enough to breed
So now I worry for both of us
Our yellow star blankets me
Warmth from the heavens
But as usual, it's not enough
20110316
20110316
Pinch it till it bursts
Stretch it till it hurts
Spark it till it fades
Build it till it caves
Fill it till it spills
Drain it till it kills
Fake it till it cares
Wear it till it tears
Bleed it till it burns
Leave it till it learns
Stretch it till it hurts
Spark it till it fades
Build it till it caves
Fill it till it spills
Drain it till it kills
Fake it till it cares
Wear it till it tears
Bleed it till it burns
Leave it till it learns
20110315
20110315
Perhaps a feast day will serve
Make a clean break then
The idea has sone poetic merit
Am I truly finished though
It's bone cold this morning
The evil empire is coming
A two day stint of suffering
I'll grin and bear it, as intended
And hope for the best, unaware
Walking up my empty, little hill
I've yet to really awaken
Can't remember any dreams
That's probably a good thing
Seriously slept in too, oops
Kidlet's with mom all week
Why can I never enjoy these
My daughter's absence pains me
Somewhere out there, sadly
My spouse does not feel this way
She never knew how to miss her
Pathetic bitch
Make a clean break then
The idea has sone poetic merit
Am I truly finished though
It's bone cold this morning
The evil empire is coming
A two day stint of suffering
I'll grin and bear it, as intended
And hope for the best, unaware
Walking up my empty, little hill
I've yet to really awaken
Can't remember any dreams
That's probably a good thing
Seriously slept in too, oops
Kidlet's with mom all week
Why can I never enjoy these
My daughter's absence pains me
Somewhere out there, sadly
My spouse does not feel this way
She never knew how to miss her
Pathetic bitch
20110314
20110314
I brought a little girl into this
This sad, collapsing republic
My job is not my job anymore
I now live to protect her
But how can I keep her safe
While this country crumbles
The end of the world comes
Yet we will be here afterwards
So many worked so hard
To make us stronger, but
We are weaker than ever before
None of us are prepared for it
The end of our very way of life
Are you ready for a struggle
It will happen soon you know
Can you even power this device
After the union collapses
Never really cared for money
But you will need it soon
And if you don't
She will
---
Sensors gone dead
Writing songs for others
Last words served as lyrics
Others' lives fueled the verses
You're not that creative, chief
This sad, collapsing republic
My job is not my job anymore
I now live to protect her
But how can I keep her safe
While this country crumbles
The end of the world comes
Yet we will be here afterwards
So many worked so hard
To make us stronger, but
We are weaker than ever before
None of us are prepared for it
The end of our very way of life
Are you ready for a struggle
It will happen soon you know
Can you even power this device
After the union collapses
Never really cared for money
But you will need it soon
And if you don't
She will
---
Sensors gone dead
Writing songs for others
Last words served as lyrics
Others' lives fueled the verses
You're not that creative, chief
20110313
20110313-2
Been wasting all those wishes
On the whole 11:11 cliche
Realized it was more of her bs
Plus all the clocks were fast
What will come true now
Now that falsehood is elsewhere
Becoming who I once was
Your sketches need harmony
Pretend your solo act is enough
You know otherwise deep inside
A second voice is needed
Even if it is simply your own
On the whole 11:11 cliche
Realized it was more of her bs
Plus all the clocks were fast
What will come true now
Now that falsehood is elsewhere
Becoming who I once was
Your sketches need harmony
Pretend your solo act is enough
You know otherwise deep inside
A second voice is needed
Even if it is simply your own
20110313
Steady yourself for hypocrisy
Prepare for a game of pretend
Today is running in slow motion
Spring forward into poverty
Poverty of the closed mouth
Perverseness of the open spirit
Demon cleaner for dummies
And here I am, the dummy
Prepare for a game of pretend
Today is running in slow motion
Spring forward into poverty
Poverty of the closed mouth
Perverseness of the open spirit
Demon cleaner for dummies
And here I am, the dummy
20110312
20110312-2
so i've had two fortune cookie fortunes sitting on the top of my microwave for months.. maybe years. longer than the breakup at least. they read:
The one you love is closer than you think.
and
You will get what your heart desires.
perhaps i keep them as a gentle reminder that what i'm doing has merit and might eventually result in happiness. i see them every day, but today as i was warming up some food post-run (6 miles yesterday and 4 miles today), i started giving them some thought. maybe the one i love is me. and maybe what i desire is solitude. who knows.
my coworker throws the fortunes away without reading them, which makes me laugh every time we eat chinese.. although it's been years.
The one you love is closer than you think.
and
You will get what your heart desires.
perhaps i keep them as a gentle reminder that what i'm doing has merit and might eventually result in happiness. i see them every day, but today as i was warming up some food post-run (6 miles yesterday and 4 miles today), i started giving them some thought. maybe the one i love is me. and maybe what i desire is solitude. who knows.
my coworker throws the fortunes away without reading them, which makes me laugh every time we eat chinese.. although it's been years.
20110312
Nightmare: we're at my parents house.. she had moved out but was down there for some reason.
Tells me she'd heard I had found someone and she wanted me back. Leans in to kiss me, says "make me laugh again" and I tell her "I can't".
I want a drug to overcome this
But it's not on the market
I need a panacea for grief
Crown me with agony
Tells me she'd heard I had found someone and she wanted me back. Leans in to kiss me, says "make me laugh again" and I tell her "I can't".
I want a drug to overcome this
But it's not on the market
I need a panacea for grief
Crown me with agony
20110311
20110311-2
The taxes are filed. Took a hit on them to do MFS but it needed to be done. I am out from under her stupidity finally, and it feels good. She is gonna get it worse than me most likely, she has never understood the concept of taxes, or money in general. She totally fucked us last year by entering the wrong information on her W-4 and to fix it I took out an early withdrawal from a retirement.. which I had to pay penalties on this year.
Such a load off my back.. have today off, waiting for it to warm up a bit and then I'm going running. In the sun :)
Such a load off my back.. have today off, waiting for it to warm up a bit and then I'm going running. In the sun :)
20110311
She tried really hard to ruin me
Brings my child to me, late
Wearing his black metal hoodie
Going to metal shows with him
Because of him, all for him
Years and years I tried
To get her to share herself
To go and see something I liked
But by then she had settled in
Tells me she's wearing earplugs
To the show, and I realize
She's compromising herself
Playing pretend all over again
For a man's affection
And I laugh at her
She is completely diffused
Did she wear it for my benefit?
To get under my skin?
I told her it was amazing
What she'd change about herself
In the early stages
Of a relationship
Told her he was an improvement
Over the bible beater
She was fucking before him
Every word a precision barb
Aimed straight at her heart
A heart she doesn't even have
But it's sad to see her like this
And still she's yet to suffer
Am I over her? Some days, yes
Still I'm waiting for something
I waited patiently for years
For something, anything from her
Now I wait for karma's sting
Brings my child to me, late
Wearing his black metal hoodie
Going to metal shows with him
Because of him, all for him
Years and years I tried
To get her to share herself
To go and see something I liked
But by then she had settled in
Tells me she's wearing earplugs
To the show, and I realize
She's compromising herself
Playing pretend all over again
For a man's affection
And I laugh at her
She is completely diffused
Did she wear it for my benefit?
To get under my skin?
I told her it was amazing
What she'd change about herself
In the early stages
Of a relationship
Told her he was an improvement
Over the bible beater
She was fucking before him
Every word a precision barb
Aimed straight at her heart
A heart she doesn't even have
But it's sad to see her like this
And still she's yet to suffer
Am I over her? Some days, yes
Still I'm waiting for something
I waited patiently for years
For something, anything from her
Now I wait for karma's sting
20110310
20110310-2
Spring has sprung, finally
Leaving the ash of winter behind
Desolation continues to bloom
But a few sprigs of hope gather
Makes for a truly lovely scene
Honest till the end, aren't we
Incapable of incapacitation
Perhaps that's where we'll stop
Let the dust settle, as it were
My workplace is deserted today
Spring break this week
Don't really have any plans
What else is new?
I wanted her to suffer so bad
Then I realized she can't
She doesn't have it in her
Memories returned to sender
She asks for her school things
I say she'll have them today
And she tells me the following
"I don't have the space, but ok"
It's these exhaustive games
That I really don't miss at all
Don't miss it in the fucking least
It's just another way I know
I've moved on, in my heart
Good riddance
Leaving the ash of winter behind
Desolation continues to bloom
But a few sprigs of hope gather
Makes for a truly lovely scene
Honest till the end, aren't we
Incapable of incapacitation
Perhaps that's where we'll stop
Let the dust settle, as it were
My workplace is deserted today
Spring break this week
Don't really have any plans
What else is new?
I wanted her to suffer so bad
Then I realized she can't
She doesn't have it in her
Memories returned to sender
She asks for her school things
I say she'll have them today
And she tells me the following
"I don't have the space, but ok"
It's these exhaustive games
That I really don't miss at all
Don't miss it in the fucking least
It's just another way I know
I've moved on, in my heart
Good riddance
20110310
Tried some recording last night
Used the neti pot beforehand
To clear out my sinuses of course
Never enough may be too tough
But that's okay, that's alright
I felt like taking a break
Suddenly I forgot her voice
And now there's nothing left
To destroy us
It's strangely liberating
But it puts me in a conundrum
Without misery as a fuel source
What will I subsist on
Some call it a muse
Maybe I'll tell other stories
I do have a few left upstairs ;)
Used the neti pot beforehand
To clear out my sinuses of course
Never enough may be too tough
But that's okay, that's alright
I felt like taking a break
Suddenly I forgot her voice
And now there's nothing left
To destroy us
It's strangely liberating
But it puts me in a conundrum
Without misery as a fuel source
What will I subsist on
Some call it a muse
Maybe I'll tell other stories
I do have a few left upstairs ;)
20110309
20110309
And just like that
I am over her completely
It was like a switch was pulled
A great cosmic wheel turned
Left me a changed man
I am devoted to my body now
And more worthwhile pursuits
Pining after her was a disservice
I watched The Expendables
At feath's recommendation
And maybe it was a chick flick
Whatever it was, it worked
I may be miserable tomorrow
But right now I am over her
Standing in the light drizzle
Waiting for my dog to go
6:30 on this shitty morning
Just another Ash Wednesday
But my mood remains unbroken
Maybe I gave her up for Lent
Finished a song last night
Perhaps the last song about her
I've written more than enough
She got her precious attention
And now, just like the song
It's time for moving on
:)
Maybe it's finally time for a tat
I am over her completely
It was like a switch was pulled
A great cosmic wheel turned
Left me a changed man
I am devoted to my body now
And more worthwhile pursuits
Pining after her was a disservice
I watched The Expendables
At feath's recommendation
And maybe it was a chick flick
Whatever it was, it worked
I may be miserable tomorrow
But right now I am over her
Standing in the light drizzle
Waiting for my dog to go
6:30 on this shitty morning
Just another Ash Wednesday
But my mood remains unbroken
Maybe I gave her up for Lent
Finished a song last night
Perhaps the last song about her
I've written more than enough
She got her precious attention
And now, just like the song
It's time for moving on
:)
Maybe it's finally time for a tat
20110308
20110308
The devil plays her gambit
Content to malnourish
Set us up for the big score
And we'll never see it coming
Winds blow harsh and true
Signaling a change for the worse
Lies blanket even more lies
And we bought every one
Rumbles underneath the crust
Signaling the time to evacuate
But we're frozen in place
Glued to the floor
Change was never our thing
Maybe that's why you acted
While your acting was superb
I wonder if you understand
There are consequences still
Some yet to be realized even
You've yet to suffer adequately
Gifted it all to me somehow
Do not pass Go
Do not go straight to happiness
It's completely unfair
What a disservice to reality
To our struggling and pain
But then I remember
Lies blanket even more lies
And it brings me a smile
The first glimmer of recovery
Thanks.
Content to malnourish
Set us up for the big score
And we'll never see it coming
Winds blow harsh and true
Signaling a change for the worse
Lies blanket even more lies
And we bought every one
Rumbles underneath the crust
Signaling the time to evacuate
But we're frozen in place
Glued to the floor
Change was never our thing
Maybe that's why you acted
While your acting was superb
I wonder if you understand
There are consequences still
Some yet to be realized even
You've yet to suffer adequately
Gifted it all to me somehow
Do not pass Go
Do not go straight to happiness
It's completely unfair
What a disservice to reality
To our struggling and pain
But then I remember
Lies blanket even more lies
And it brings me a smile
The first glimmer of recovery
Thanks.
20110307
20110307-3
I hurt a friend today
Gave her a dose of my reality
Overdosing on a bitter pill
My love hurt me today
Gave me a dose of her reality
Selective flash memory written
My child hurts me tomorrow
Give me a bit of her reality
Bite down on the pain indeed
I hurt the world yesterday
Took a dose of my reality
A future promised to failure
This poem sucks but it's true
And honesty has taught me pain
Lying brought the most comfort
But it's just not in me anymore
Gave her a dose of my reality
Overdosing on a bitter pill
My love hurt me today
Gave me a dose of her reality
Selective flash memory written
My child hurts me tomorrow
Give me a bit of her reality
Bite down on the pain indeed
I hurt the world yesterday
Took a dose of my reality
A future promised to failure
This poem sucks but it's true
And honesty has taught me pain
Lying brought the most comfort
But it's just not in me anymore
20110307-2
Recompense the redeemer
Beg for a refund in full
Knowing all sales are final
As advertised in the divorce
Lose the weight for yourself
But feel free to show it off
That was the key you know
You never would have lost her
Never would have lost it all
This is my last great push
To win by losing it
If this one doesn't work out
I am fucking checking out
Never enough is sounding cool
Needs more lyrics, as always
And now to start another week
Hooray.
Beg for a refund in full
Knowing all sales are final
As advertised in the divorce
Lose the weight for yourself
But feel free to show it off
That was the key you know
You never would have lost her
Never would have lost it all
This is my last great push
To win by losing it
If this one doesn't work out
I am fucking checking out
Never enough is sounding cool
Needs more lyrics, as always
And now to start another week
Hooray.
20110307
It's early in the morning
A damned Monday morning
Yet another bad dream
Still in the back of my head
I'm glad I took her to a party
She had a good time
And I spoke with some women
And didn't embarrass myself
Guess I'm on the circuit now
In the back of my head though
I was thinking to myself
She called mommy tonight
While I was in the other room
She'd spent the day with his kids
And was taking them home
Then to watch tv with her bf
And my child had to hear this
Knowing her mom left me
For another man
And left her for other kids
Truth hurts don't it
A damned Monday morning
Yet another bad dream
Still in the back of my head
I'm glad I took her to a party
She had a good time
And I spoke with some women
And didn't embarrass myself
Guess I'm on the circuit now
In the back of my head though
I was thinking to myself
She called mommy tonight
While I was in the other room
She'd spent the day with his kids
And was taking them home
Then to watch tv with her bf
And my child had to hear this
Knowing her mom left me
For another man
And left her for other kids
Truth hurts don't it
20110306
20110306
Another weekend spent apart
What good has it done me
A lot, perhaps, in all honesty
I know I am not ready
I still don't know what I want
Perhaps I want nothing
Growing up in my thirties
It's rather pathetic but oh well
I will figure out who I want
And I will find her
Or die trying
No more fear
What good has it done me
A lot, perhaps, in all honesty
I know I am not ready
I still don't know what I want
Perhaps I want nothing
Growing up in my thirties
It's rather pathetic but oh well
I will figure out who I want
And I will find her
Or die trying
No more fear
20110305
20110305
Nightmare:
We are at a party making out and then all of a sudden she stops. She goes over to the couch and starts watching our movies with another man. Confused, I go try to clean myself and I'm dirty no matter what I do. She comes in and tells me she's leaving in a month. I try to talk her out of it but it's no use. I go to work the next day and sit alone in some sort of cafeteria while all my coworkers and their spouses are well away from me. I think about all the times I relied on her to pick up or look after our child so I could do something work related, and now she would be free to be completely undependable. And then I wake up and it's 4:45 and I want off this miserable fucking planet again.
I miss her so much.
I can never forget how much she hurt me but she is all I've ever known. We finally reach a stable point in life, both have good jobs, a house, a daughter who is a breeze, and she decides to bail. She was scared of it, scared of the stability because it truly meant a lifelong commitment, and the reality of "lifelong" hit her like a ton of bricks. But now that she's ruined everything, she looks at the situation across a gulf of lonely thirtysomethings and she is forced to try and recapture it, inevitably pulled back towards a relationship. Will she marry this guy? Who knows. But it was so remarkably easy for her, and perhaps that is why I hate her. I look at my life and realize I geared it towards making her happy and am now completely unequipped to go out and fish for another woman. Hell i've never even dated really, and the prospect of starting in my thirties does not sound very appealing.
It is complete truth now that my daughter is the only thing keeping me alive. And I'm scared of her abandoning me. And I'm selfishly wanting to be alone again, as my ex has so easily accomplished! I wish she were a good mom, and we could have split the duties, but if she were maybe none of this would have happened. My daughter forces me into social situations at the worst time of my life, when I want to be safe in my shell. I can't even have the luxury of burying my head in my work, because every morning and every afternoon I am now constrained by the inflexible demands of taking her and picking her up. And then add in extracurricular activities and I very quickly become an anathema to myself, a faceless quiet vehicle for my daughter without a life of his own. Is that my future?
It's been four months and I don't feel like I've made a single shred of identifiable progress towards getting over her. What the fuck is wrong with me. If I still feel this way in December, is that an acceptable time to end it all? How about five years from now? I told her once "I'm not the type of guy who gets over this".
Will casual sex work? Will another relationship? How could I possibly balance an early phase relationship with my kid around, I have no time to discover another girl truly. I am trapped in introspection land, and it will take more than the primal need to get laid to rescue me from myself.
One thing I can do.. get in shape. Focus on nothing else. By demons be driven. Not for her or anyone else, but for myself. Conquer the destructive force which has saddled you to fear and circled you like an albatross your entire adult life. But don't do it for anyone else other than yourself. And then, maybe you won't be scared anymore.
We are at a party making out and then all of a sudden she stops. She goes over to the couch and starts watching our movies with another man. Confused, I go try to clean myself and I'm dirty no matter what I do. She comes in and tells me she's leaving in a month. I try to talk her out of it but it's no use. I go to work the next day and sit alone in some sort of cafeteria while all my coworkers and their spouses are well away from me. I think about all the times I relied on her to pick up or look after our child so I could do something work related, and now she would be free to be completely undependable. And then I wake up and it's 4:45 and I want off this miserable fucking planet again.
I miss her so much.
I can never forget how much she hurt me but she is all I've ever known. We finally reach a stable point in life, both have good jobs, a house, a daughter who is a breeze, and she decides to bail. She was scared of it, scared of the stability because it truly meant a lifelong commitment, and the reality of "lifelong" hit her like a ton of bricks. But now that she's ruined everything, she looks at the situation across a gulf of lonely thirtysomethings and she is forced to try and recapture it, inevitably pulled back towards a relationship. Will she marry this guy? Who knows. But it was so remarkably easy for her, and perhaps that is why I hate her. I look at my life and realize I geared it towards making her happy and am now completely unequipped to go out and fish for another woman. Hell i've never even dated really, and the prospect of starting in my thirties does not sound very appealing.
It is complete truth now that my daughter is the only thing keeping me alive. And I'm scared of her abandoning me. And I'm selfishly wanting to be alone again, as my ex has so easily accomplished! I wish she were a good mom, and we could have split the duties, but if she were maybe none of this would have happened. My daughter forces me into social situations at the worst time of my life, when I want to be safe in my shell. I can't even have the luxury of burying my head in my work, because every morning and every afternoon I am now constrained by the inflexible demands of taking her and picking her up. And then add in extracurricular activities and I very quickly become an anathema to myself, a faceless quiet vehicle for my daughter without a life of his own. Is that my future?
It's been four months and I don't feel like I've made a single shred of identifiable progress towards getting over her. What the fuck is wrong with me. If I still feel this way in December, is that an acceptable time to end it all? How about five years from now? I told her once "I'm not the type of guy who gets over this".
Will casual sex work? Will another relationship? How could I possibly balance an early phase relationship with my kid around, I have no time to discover another girl truly. I am trapped in introspection land, and it will take more than the primal need to get laid to rescue me from myself.
One thing I can do.. get in shape. Focus on nothing else. By demons be driven. Not for her or anyone else, but for myself. Conquer the destructive force which has saddled you to fear and circled you like an albatross your entire adult life. But don't do it for anyone else other than yourself. And then, maybe you won't be scared anymore.
20110304
20110304-2
A tempestuous Friday morning
Raindrops begin an initial assault
I keep pace, strange pains inside
It's just inevitability you feel
Let knowledge wash over it
Push any doubts down
Maybe today will be different
It is a Friday after all
Full of cliches and platitudes
Everyone sticks to the script
Fulfilling their office quote quota
Maybe your life is improving
And you've yet to realize it
Maybe
Raindrops begin an initial assault
I keep pace, strange pains inside
It's just inevitability you feel
Let knowledge wash over it
Push any doubts down
Maybe today will be different
It is a Friday after all
Full of cliches and platitudes
Everyone sticks to the script
Fulfilling their office quote quota
Maybe your life is improving
And you've yet to realize it
Maybe
20110304
Is it hope that keeps me afloat
Have I been reduced to instinct
Escape the cycle and find out
Trample a circle, break a spell
Should have gone to Mardi Gras
Except I don't drink anymore
Oh and I can't stand people
Why am I defined by my divorce
Have I simply let her win again
The poor, old introvert got hurt
And regressed to the deep end
Forgetting he can't swim anymore
Whatever it is keeping me afloat
It's not hope
Have I been reduced to instinct
Escape the cycle and find out
Trample a circle, break a spell
Should have gone to Mardi Gras
Except I don't drink anymore
Oh and I can't stand people
Why am I defined by my divorce
Have I simply let her win again
The poor, old introvert got hurt
And regressed to the deep end
Forgetting he can't swim anymore
Whatever it is keeping me afloat
It's not hope
20110303
20110303-2
Separated from socialites
The quiet man at the park
Surrounded by smalltalk
He knows little of survival
Divorced from his mouthpiece
He is a caged animal
Polo shirts and khakis abound
Yuppie hell on earth, truly
Phoned in from a new carrier
The newest yet the oldest
No plan but infinite minutes
The sun sets and it empties out
Left alone with a few around
Who cares, vacancy upstairs
Probably attracted to me
But I'm without a middleman
No alcohol no drugs no friends
Nothing left at all
Buy loss and sell entitlement
And there my daughter is
Alone like me
Just like me
Poor thing
The quiet man at the park
Surrounded by smalltalk
He knows little of survival
Divorced from his mouthpiece
He is a caged animal
Polo shirts and khakis abound
Yuppie hell on earth, truly
Phoned in from a new carrier
The newest yet the oldest
No plan but infinite minutes
The sun sets and it empties out
Left alone with a few around
Who cares, vacancy upstairs
Probably attracted to me
But I'm without a middleman
No alcohol no drugs no friends
Nothing left at all
Buy loss and sell entitlement
And there my daughter is
Alone like me
Just like me
Poor thing
20110303
Perpetual sadness machine
Enslaved in a fortress of fear
Picking through your own bones
Sustenance from a diet of tears
The psyche thinks itself eternal
Immune to death's cold touch
The machine still keeps running
Because it's become your crutch
Enslaved in a fortress of fear
Picking through your own bones
Sustenance from a diet of tears
The psyche thinks itself eternal
Immune to death's cold touch
The machine still keeps running
Because it's become your crutch
20110302
20110302-3
An evidentiary hearing aid
Support net of onlookers
Laugh at her suffering
Drink it all in, each moment
She'll never grasp what it means
But she needs some hurt
She can no longer turn to me
I'm long gone
Changing of the guard
Left both of us scarred
Echoed in your silent face
Memories of our first place
Happiness lived only in reverse
My latest self-imposed curse
Each day is its own ricochet
As time continues to sway
Inward towards the blockade
Bet she thought she had it made
Only you could cover the wager
Cos nothing will ever phase her
Are you better off yet
Enough to make another bet
Not yet.
Support net of onlookers
Laugh at her suffering
Drink it all in, each moment
She'll never grasp what it means
But she needs some hurt
She can no longer turn to me
I'm long gone
Changing of the guard
Left both of us scarred
Echoed in your silent face
Memories of our first place
Happiness lived only in reverse
My latest self-imposed curse
Each day is its own ricochet
As time continues to sway
Inward towards the blockade
Bet she thought she had it made
Only you could cover the wager
Cos nothing will ever phase her
Are you better off yet
Enough to make another bet
Not yet.
20110302-2
Sunrise again bashes me awake
Stare through yellow starlight
A daily blurry vision quest
The cracked blacktop warms up
Plants yawn through green maws
Rayleigh scatters the blue sky
My eyesight is starting to go
But I haven't told a soul
Where I'm going I won't need it
This world is so much prettier
With eyes closed anyway
All colors fade with time
All hues bleed into the past
Chord progressions of life
Inevitably transition to a coda
A wall of sound cut short
That mystical space between
As the artist completes his work
And the audience begins to clap
The blissful void of acceptance
A vacuum of hope and esteem
That's where I live my life now
See you later
If I see you at all
Stare through yellow starlight
A daily blurry vision quest
The cracked blacktop warms up
Plants yawn through green maws
Rayleigh scatters the blue sky
My eyesight is starting to go
But I haven't told a soul
Where I'm going I won't need it
This world is so much prettier
With eyes closed anyway
All colors fade with time
All hues bleed into the past
Chord progressions of life
Inevitably transition to a coda
A wall of sound cut short
That mystical space between
As the artist completes his work
And the audience begins to clap
The blissful void of acceptance
A vacuum of hope and esteem
That's where I live my life now
See you later
If I see you at all
20110302
Another middle of the night
He awakens in terror, yet again
A shared solitude for both of us
Shattered by broken promises
No solace in the usual suspects
He crawls the house on two feet
There is a happiness in sadness
He tells himself, unconvincingly
Another transformation begun
Which form will he settle on
Which form will she settle on
Another misconception finished
She fools herself, unquestionably
There is a sadness in happiness
A blank page, an empty score
She crawls into bed, teary eyed
No peace for the warring mind
Scarred by indignant fallacies
A shared fate for both of us
She falls back asleep, yet again
Another middle of the night
He awakens in terror, yet again
A shared solitude for both of us
Shattered by broken promises
No solace in the usual suspects
He crawls the house on two feet
There is a happiness in sadness
He tells himself, unconvincingly
Another transformation begun
Which form will he settle on
Which form will she settle on
Another misconception finished
She fools herself, unquestionably
There is a sadness in happiness
A blank page, an empty score
She crawls into bed, teary eyed
No peace for the warring mind
Scarred by indignant fallacies
A shared fate for both of us
She falls back asleep, yet again
Another middle of the night
20110301
20110301-2
Women are my obsession
Understandable, but they aren't
I'm still scared of them really
Because of one simple thing
The power of rejection
They all have this power
And I've felt the worst of it
But I haven't learned my lesson
Far from it...
Surely one day I'll run out
Of undeserved pedestals
Yet I keep building more
My upbringing didn't help
Understandable, but they aren't
I'm still scared of them really
Because of one simple thing
The power of rejection
They all have this power
And I've felt the worst of it
But I haven't learned my lesson
Far from it...
Surely one day I'll run out
Of undeserved pedestals
Yet I keep building more
My upbringing didn't help
20110301
More unwanted communication
Less I can stand, honestly
Our daughter is here with me
Someone else's is there with her
Keep things brief and closed off
Tears dried up in dead pools
Emotions scraped off the plate
Send your soul back overcooked
Time to crash
.:..
Nightmare:
We're at the river. Me, m, my brother and my mom go out into the water and m knocks my brother into my mom. Both go floating down the river.
Less I can stand, honestly
Our daughter is here with me
Someone else's is there with her
Keep things brief and closed off
Tears dried up in dead pools
Emotions scraped off the plate
Send your soul back overcooked
Time to crash
.:..
Nightmare:
We're at the river. Me, m, my brother and my mom go out into the water and m knocks my brother into my mom. Both go floating down the river.
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