so i go from suicidal daydreams of calling my ex over the holidays to tell her to take good care of my kid, to lifting weights and feeling better. i may seriously need meds. or someone to talk to. now i just have to find someone i won't run away from...
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 3 reps (+90 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
20111130
20111130
ugh. fought with m to get her up and ready. she didn't touch her breakfast, didn't want to wear her tights even though it was freezing, her shoelace broke, asked me to watch tv even though i said no more tv in the mornings. it was just tense and terrible, and it's left me depressed.
you won't see me anymore
left unnoticed
the prey assumes it's safe
walking from face to face
silent stares for a forest of eyes
uncomprehending as they pass on by
a million million short stories
drafted with a broken cast of characters
a former footnote, edited out
still around, somewhere between the lines
i feel like i'm getting close now. even the blue skies are grey.
you won't see me anymore
left unnoticed
the prey assumes it's safe
walking from face to face
silent stares for a forest of eyes
uncomprehending as they pass on by
a million million short stories
drafted with a broken cast of characters
a former footnote, edited out
still around, somewhere between the lines
i feel like i'm getting close now. even the blue skies are grey.
20111129
20111129
breakfast was skipped again.
today is the ex's birthday. fuck her.
yeah yeah i'll have kiddo give her a call after work.
lunch was provided by vendors. a philly chicken salad from lenny's. 3/4 meetings complete. go me. reading through "starting strength" on a work-provided tablet.
dinner was salmon+mayo+pickles+tomatoes and then some greek yogurt + protein powder for dessert. i really didn't need the protein but oh well.
today is the ex's birthday. fuck her.
yeah yeah i'll have kiddo give her a call after work.
lunch was provided by vendors. a philly chicken salad from lenny's. 3/4 meetings complete. go me. reading through "starting strength" on a work-provided tablet.
dinner was salmon+mayo+pickles+tomatoes and then some greek yogurt + protein powder for dessert. i really didn't need the protein but oh well.
20111128
20111128
no brekkie
leftover soup, half a banana and ab
a large sweet potato for dinner, and some random jerky
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Shrug:
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
Standing Barbell Calf Raise:
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
leftover soup, half a banana and ab
a large sweet potato for dinner, and some random jerky
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Shrug:
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
Standing Barbell Calf Raise:
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
20111127
20111127
woke up around 10:30.
two eggs.
grocery shopping.
protein with greek yogurt.
making soup she probably won't eat.
bored.
a wonderful series of texts between me and the ex, and i feel like turd now. how can she still ruin my day so effortlessly. she still has power over me. totally undateable. she has pestered me about returning a voicemail her dad left me last week, and by pester i mean, she told m to tell me to call him, she texted me three times and emailed once.
today's text message transcript (for posterity):
ex: please call my dad.
me: you are annoying. this is my week off, i answer the phone for two people: my boss and my family, and he ain't either. i'll call him from work this week. you found someone else to nag the fuck out of with your control freak bullshit, remember
ex: you are the control freak, asshole. he called you on TUESDAY, for fucks sake. you cannot continue to ignore my family because you don't like me. they are still m's grandparents and aunts and they would like to be in touch. just because she lives with you does not give you the right to shut people out when you feel pissy. get over yourself.
me: he didn't call to talk to her, he called to talk to me. you have nothing to do with it (as usual)
ex: i know that. the point is, it would be nice for you to return calls in a timely fashion, particularly about the holidays and about her!!
me: the point is, you are trying to control something you have zero to do with (as usual)
ex: my dad has asked ME twice why you haven't called back, so I do have something to do with it. It has been made my concern because you won't do something as fucking simple as calling him back.
me: neither of them responded to my x-mas list, but both your sisters did
me: and you fired off your mouth with some accusatory nonsense when i was trying to be nice
ex: maybe they've been waiting to see what everyone else is doing so there is no doubling of gifts. maybe that's what he wants to talk to you about. i have no clue. point is, it's about m. maybe you don't answer me but at least answer them. being nice? since when?
me: i gave them a list of x-mas items in november. they're hosting x-mas morning, my family isn't going to buy anything until they've gotten whatever they're getting. but really, all of this is completely immaterial to me. whats on my mind is how much my daughter is dreading spending 12 hrs in a car with you.
me: and how much i'm going to miss her during the holidays
ex: what has she said? you didn't tell any of us that you were buying for her AFTER our christmas. so how are we supposed to know that?
me: what are we going to tell her, dumbass, "Santa showed up the weekend before Christmas with your gifts, sweetie"
ex: right, because she still spends at least one night away from you on the weekends you do have her. go get drunk and spend time with your friends. take a break.
me: i haven't had a drink of anything in a year.
ex: how about gifts from her family? santa can leave shit at your house while she's gone but not everything is santa.
me: this whole thing is your stupid need to avoid being upstaged, god it's so fucking tiresome.
ex: why do you go to zoo brew then? doesn't matter. point is have some time to yourself. i don't care about being upstaged. i don't even know what the fuck that means. y'all do your celebration, we'll do ours. i just want to make sure she doesn't receive doubles of her gifts! she doesn't need two dolls, two whatevers.
me: my family will most likely be getting her things not on that list so don't worry about duplicate toys
ex: ok, whatever.
ex: by the way, i expect to hear from her on my bday. i dont expect you to take her to get me a card but I would like her to call me.
me: don't even presume to talk to me about where she and I go or stay on our time. I'll do you the same courtesy, because neither of us care to know.
-- that was apparently the end of the conversation, as i didn't get a response --
put my kid in her bed tonight and she says "i know why you and mommy got a divorce. you both wanted to take care of me equally and you fought and mommy decided to leave." what do you say to that, exactly?
two eggs.
grocery shopping.
protein with greek yogurt.
making soup she probably won't eat.
bored.
a wonderful series of texts between me and the ex, and i feel like turd now. how can she still ruin my day so effortlessly. she still has power over me. totally undateable. she has pestered me about returning a voicemail her dad left me last week, and by pester i mean, she told m to tell me to call him, she texted me three times and emailed once.
today's text message transcript (for posterity):
ex: please call my dad.
me: you are annoying. this is my week off, i answer the phone for two people: my boss and my family, and he ain't either. i'll call him from work this week. you found someone else to nag the fuck out of with your control freak bullshit, remember
ex: you are the control freak, asshole. he called you on TUESDAY, for fucks sake. you cannot continue to ignore my family because you don't like me. they are still m's grandparents and aunts and they would like to be in touch. just because she lives with you does not give you the right to shut people out when you feel pissy. get over yourself.
me: he didn't call to talk to her, he called to talk to me. you have nothing to do with it (as usual)
ex: i know that. the point is, it would be nice for you to return calls in a timely fashion, particularly about the holidays and about her!!
me: the point is, you are trying to control something you have zero to do with (as usual)
ex: my dad has asked ME twice why you haven't called back, so I do have something to do with it. It has been made my concern because you won't do something as fucking simple as calling him back.
me: neither of them responded to my x-mas list, but both your sisters did
me: and you fired off your mouth with some accusatory nonsense when i was trying to be nice
ex: maybe they've been waiting to see what everyone else is doing so there is no doubling of gifts. maybe that's what he wants to talk to you about. i have no clue. point is, it's about m. maybe you don't answer me but at least answer them. being nice? since when?
me: i gave them a list of x-mas items in november. they're hosting x-mas morning, my family isn't going to buy anything until they've gotten whatever they're getting. but really, all of this is completely immaterial to me. whats on my mind is how much my daughter is dreading spending 12 hrs in a car with you.
me: and how much i'm going to miss her during the holidays
ex: what has she said? you didn't tell any of us that you were buying for her AFTER our christmas. so how are we supposed to know that?
me: what are we going to tell her, dumbass, "Santa showed up the weekend before Christmas with your gifts, sweetie"
ex: right, because she still spends at least one night away from you on the weekends you do have her. go get drunk and spend time with your friends. take a break.
me: i haven't had a drink of anything in a year.
ex: how about gifts from her family? santa can leave shit at your house while she's gone but not everything is santa.
me: this whole thing is your stupid need to avoid being upstaged, god it's so fucking tiresome.
ex: why do you go to zoo brew then? doesn't matter. point is have some time to yourself. i don't care about being upstaged. i don't even know what the fuck that means. y'all do your celebration, we'll do ours. i just want to make sure she doesn't receive doubles of her gifts! she doesn't need two dolls, two whatevers.
me: my family will most likely be getting her things not on that list so don't worry about duplicate toys
ex: ok, whatever.
ex: by the way, i expect to hear from her on my bday. i dont expect you to take her to get me a card but I would like her to call me.
me: don't even presume to talk to me about where she and I go or stay on our time. I'll do you the same courtesy, because neither of us care to know.
-- that was apparently the end of the conversation, as i didn't get a response --
put my kid in her bed tonight and she says "i know why you and mommy got a divorce. you both wanted to take care of me equally and you fought and mommy decided to leave." what do you say to that, exactly?
20111126
20111126
she had a nightmare last night. dreamt she went on a school trip to a museum and found a working time machine and went back to before she was born. i actually recorded her explaining it to me again over lunch. poor thing.
it was supposed to be a rest day. instead, i did a little lifting. we had indian food (she loves that place) and saw the muppet movie. came home and we played kinect and danced and generally had a good day. i was somewhat in a daze. sang to her a little tonight at bedtime... i think it was sort of an homage to the last track of the white album... anyway she enjoyed it. yertle the turtle was the book. she asked if i'd ever shook dr seuss's hand.
more beatles tonight. last night i listened to the entire white album while wikipedia'ing each song for the backstory. incredibly interesting stuff. i think i'm more addicted than ever to their music because of the songwriting process and personalities. who would've known there's a song written about eric clapton's chocolate addiction?
Standing Military Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
75 lb x 10 reps (+35 pts)
85 lb x 10 reps (+39 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
i guess it's abbey road tonight.
jesus god i'm alone.
it was supposed to be a rest day. instead, i did a little lifting. we had indian food (she loves that place) and saw the muppet movie. came home and we played kinect and danced and generally had a good day. i was somewhat in a daze. sang to her a little tonight at bedtime... i think it was sort of an homage to the last track of the white album... anyway she enjoyed it. yertle the turtle was the book. she asked if i'd ever shook dr seuss's hand.
more beatles tonight. last night i listened to the entire white album while wikipedia'ing each song for the backstory. incredibly interesting stuff. i think i'm more addicted than ever to their music because of the songwriting process and personalities. who would've known there's a song written about eric clapton's chocolate addiction?
Standing Military Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
75 lb x 10 reps (+35 pts)
85 lb x 10 reps (+39 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
i guess it's abbey road tonight.
jesus god i'm alone.
20111125
20111125
nothing like starting the day off with a good solid cry.
"i'll see you in my dreams." - pappaw to m tonight
tempted to write a song about that phrase.
still dealing with ex drama. every time i reply to a text or an email i get like this deluge.
morbid song is complete. at least that's one interpretation.
breakfast? eggs
then some protein
then i ran
then i had salmon croquettes
then some more protein
still havent called the ex-FiL back. every time my ex bugs me about it i put their family in the penalty box for two days. passive aggressive? yep. therapudic? incredibly.
"i'll see you in my dreams." - pappaw to m tonight
tempted to write a song about that phrase.
still dealing with ex drama. every time i reply to a text or an email i get like this deluge.
morbid song is complete. at least that's one interpretation.
breakfast? eggs
then some protein
then i ran
then i had salmon croquettes
then some more protein
still havent called the ex-FiL back. every time my ex bugs me about it i put their family in the penalty box for two days. passive aggressive? yep. therapudic? incredibly.
20111124
20111124
three miles this morning, feeling good. sooo.... this is probably too cheesy for facebook, let's do it here.
what am i thankful for this year?
i'm thankful for my daughter. we are still a family, even if it's just the two of us (and the dog).
i'm thankful i have a cush job with flexible hours, allowing me to be an effective single parent.
i'm thankful for my health, and the ability to do the things i've done.
i'm thankful i have kind and loving parents, who are totally supportive through anything.
i'm thankful i have a roof over my head and food to eat and "stuff". although i'm not so big on "stuff" lately. seems like i've just started a cardboard box collection, thanks to amazon.
it's not been a good year for my family. divorces, evictions, deaths, etc. but i'm thankful that 2011 is almost over. because you can always start fresh. always.
what am i thankful for this year?
i'm thankful for my daughter. we are still a family, even if it's just the two of us (and the dog).
i'm thankful i have a cush job with flexible hours, allowing me to be an effective single parent.
i'm thankful for my health, and the ability to do the things i've done.
i'm thankful i have kind and loving parents, who are totally supportive through anything.
i'm thankful i have a roof over my head and food to eat and "stuff". although i'm not so big on "stuff" lately. seems like i've just started a cardboard box collection, thanks to amazon.
it's not been a good year for my family. divorces, evictions, deaths, etc. but i'm thankful that 2011 is almost over. because you can always start fresh. always.
20111123
20111123
ran a 10k yesterday. today i'm going to my sister's to work on her broken computers.
watched "tangled" last night with kiddo.. i really do like that movie. they actually made rapunzel cool.
had some egg casserole this morning.
protein shake for "lunch". kiddo is with my sister tonight. i'm weightlifting. i guess. crazy family drama sure does help in hardening the shell. speaking of which.. good god i could go for some magic shell. i love that shit.
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Standing Military Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
watched "tangled" last night with kiddo.. i really do like that movie. they actually made rapunzel cool.
had some egg casserole this morning.
protein shake for "lunch". kiddo is with my sister tonight. i'm weightlifting. i guess. crazy family drama sure does help in hardening the shell. speaking of which.. good god i could go for some magic shell. i love that shit.
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Standing Military Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
20111121
20111121
of all the amazingly shit luck happenstance coincidences, my kid is not feeling well at all this morning. that would be the morning of my week off work, when i was supposed to devote myself to running and lifting. yes i know what you're saying, priorities, priorities.. but my kid wasn't sick before my ex picked her up. she's sure as fuck sick now. which begs the question, wtf happened to do this to her??
eggs and shit
ice cream and pb (at least it was low carb)
hamburgers
i'm stressed and full of energy but my back is giving me pause. motherfucker!@#!@#!@#!@#\
i refuse to give up without a fight.
eggs and shit
ice cream and pb (at least it was low carb)
hamburgers
i'm stressed and full of energy but my back is giving me pause. motherfucker!@#!@#!@#!@#\
i refuse to give up without a fight.
20111120
20111120
i'm sleeping a lot, never a good sign. up at 8:30. had a banana and some pb. my back is unhappy with me. more crazyass dreams. song sounds interesting.
so kiddo didn't sleep well and threw up all night i'm told by my ex, who delivered her on time for my oldest brother's 25th anniversary of his ordination. she was a trooper during the service, although she laid down in the pew until the end. got a hug from one of the ex's cousins going out. yet another odd social circumstance. we get home and my kid pukes again. she is now in bed relaxing.
banana for breakfast
leftover spicy bison stew
i've decided i'm not going to eat anything else today. i need to curb my eating since i'm not running. tomorrow morning the goal is to get her to school and then hit the roads hard, and lift at night. assuming my body cooperates.
so kiddo didn't sleep well and threw up all night i'm told by my ex, who delivered her on time for my oldest brother's 25th anniversary of his ordination. she was a trooper during the service, although she laid down in the pew until the end. got a hug from one of the ex's cousins going out. yet another odd social circumstance. we get home and my kid pukes again. she is now in bed relaxing.
banana for breakfast
leftover spicy bison stew
i've decided i'm not going to eat anything else today. i need to curb my eating since i'm not running. tomorrow morning the goal is to get her to school and then hit the roads hard, and lift at night. assuming my body cooperates.
20111119
20111119
4:30 in the morning. the dog woke me up, and i can't go back to sleep. but he sure as fuck can.. i know because there he is asleep on the couch. i want to go give him a bath or something just to keep his ass awake too. little bastard.
6:30 in the morning. woke up again with a completely dry mouth and vague memories of a crazy dream involving an old friend getting married and all i wanted to do was run down barefoot to the ocean. i didn't have any dress clothes and a million little things happened along the way until i awoke feeling drugged. i feel confident anyone seeing me walk the dog would have called the police. still feeling very very woozy so i'm going back to bed.
11:30 in the morning. ended up talking the dog on a long walk because my back went out while playing video games on the couch. the intent was to run this morning and lift this afternoon. not sure if i'll do either now. the house is a wreck, the yard is a wreck, my life is a wreck. ssdd.
latest quote from my ruined mind: "live and die by the code of i"
5:30 in the evening. have a new chord progression i'm kicking around. just need a subject.
10:55 subject acquired, writing commencing.
protein shake
random shit
bison stew
6:30 in the morning. woke up again with a completely dry mouth and vague memories of a crazy dream involving an old friend getting married and all i wanted to do was run down barefoot to the ocean. i didn't have any dress clothes and a million little things happened along the way until i awoke feeling drugged. i feel confident anyone seeing me walk the dog would have called the police. still feeling very very woozy so i'm going back to bed.
11:30 in the morning. ended up talking the dog on a long walk because my back went out while playing video games on the couch. the intent was to run this morning and lift this afternoon. not sure if i'll do either now. the house is a wreck, the yard is a wreck, my life is a wreck. ssdd.
latest quote from my ruined mind: "live and die by the code of i"
5:30 in the evening. have a new chord progression i'm kicking around. just need a subject.
10:55 subject acquired, writing commencing.
protein shake
random shit
bison stew
20111118
20111118
insane calf cramp to wake me up at 6. dog was whining so i zombied out into the neighborhood for a bit. yay fridays. it's 6:30 and kiddo just woke up, i hear her wandering down the hallway. am i running or lifting this weekend. i need some motivation (read: sex).
breakfast has been skipped. two meetings this morning, afternoon at work and then i won't see this place again for an entire week.
sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers (again)
banana and peanut butter mid-workout
homemade cobb salad
talking to that cunt tonight was the best motivation ever.. i got PRs on the squat and the deadlift! maybe i should call her up right before each workout. or not!
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
good music = motivation! some great gains tonight
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Triceps Pushdown:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
Push-Up:
10 reps (+15 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
breakfast has been skipped. two meetings this morning, afternoon at work and then i won't see this place again for an entire week.
sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers (again)
banana and peanut butter mid-workout
homemade cobb salad
talking to that cunt tonight was the best motivation ever.. i got PRs on the squat and the deadlift! maybe i should call her up right before each workout. or not!
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
good music = motivation! some great gains tonight
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Triceps Pushdown:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
Push-Up:
10 reps (+15 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
20111117
20111117
considered sending her a text this morning, then thought better of it.
there are no more anniversaries for us.
it wasn't going to say happy anniversary or anything, i'm not that delusional.. something like, "have a great day, from somebody you used to know". it's sad. we'll never even be friends. in other news, i can't seem to reconnect to society. this morning feels like failure.
got onto kiddo this morning because she didn't eat her breakfast and instead watched tv. tv has been banned in the mornings (because.. she doesn't eat her breakfast ;) "daddy you're not getting a goodbye kiss" but that's okay. the life of a father.
egg muffins
hamburger and salad
sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers
alright, back at home for lunch, all christmas stuff has been divvied up. i basically gave her all the shit i dislike. anything with glitter, anything that makes noise. i probably shouldn't give her anything but it's kinda like taking that stuff to the trash anyway. literally.
way too much food today.
plus bitchface decided to call tonight and ruin it further. i have no energy now. fuck!
fell asleep at like 8:30 after reading to kiddo, too stressed to do otherwise. happy anniversary, world. go fuck yourself.
there are no more anniversaries for us.
it wasn't going to say happy anniversary or anything, i'm not that delusional.. something like, "have a great day, from somebody you used to know". it's sad. we'll never even be friends. in other news, i can't seem to reconnect to society. this morning feels like failure.
got onto kiddo this morning because she didn't eat her breakfast and instead watched tv. tv has been banned in the mornings (because.. she doesn't eat her breakfast ;) "daddy you're not getting a goodbye kiss" but that's okay. the life of a father.
egg muffins
hamburger and salad
sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers
alright, back at home for lunch, all christmas stuff has been divvied up. i basically gave her all the shit i dislike. anything with glitter, anything that makes noise. i probably shouldn't give her anything but it's kinda like taking that stuff to the trash anyway. literally.
way too much food today.
plus bitchface decided to call tonight and ruin it further. i have no energy now. fuck!
fell asleep at like 8:30 after reading to kiddo, too stressed to do otherwise. happy anniversary, world. go fuck yourself.
20111116
20111116
somewhat more stable this morning.
tomorrow would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. not sure how i'll "celebrate" that occasion.
m saw me looking at myself in the mirror this morning, and before we left for school she sat me on the couch and told me "it doesn't matter how big or small you are, all you have to do was show someone what's in here" (and she pointed to her heart). she almost teared up. i told her everything was going to be okay, but the truth is that my heart is broken, and i don't want to show that to anyone.
maybe i'm not more stable this morning.
skipped breakfast, unless you count chewing gum.
lunch was a grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese.
dinner was some nasty hamburger and a protein shake.
rest day.
tomorrow would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. not sure how i'll "celebrate" that occasion.
m saw me looking at myself in the mirror this morning, and before we left for school she sat me on the couch and told me "it doesn't matter how big or small you are, all you have to do was show someone what's in here" (and she pointed to her heart). she almost teared up. i told her everything was going to be okay, but the truth is that my heart is broken, and i don't want to show that to anyone.
maybe i'm not more stable this morning.
skipped breakfast, unless you count chewing gum.
lunch was a grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese.
dinner was some nasty hamburger and a protein shake.
rest day.
20111115
20111115
restraint. it is the word that stifles what i am, every single day.
i show restraint online, in that i am still connected to my ex's family. i want to rant and rave as i have seen others do.. although it wouldn't do any good really.... it'd just be flippant, redactive therapy for me.
i show restraint with my family, in that i continue to portray myself as a catholic when i have lost my faith a long time ago. would coming clean ruin my parents? possibly. no earthly accomplishment counts for anything compared to being a sycophant to the church, something i seem unable to do consistently even with the trauma of divorce. i think certain people need religion, but today, this morning, i am not one of them.
i could lie and say i'm showing restraint by not dating, but that would also be a lie. it's fear. i'm going to lift for about six months, check back with my mind on my body image, and go from there. if i make it. i am still having nightmares and suicidal thoughts constantly. the other day it was me hanging from a belt tied around my squat rack. i have filled my day with distractions and addictions but occasionally that fog of ephemeral materialistic bullshit clears and i have a short-lived epiphany of being, a realization of the loneliness that tears me apart. a rejection of self and others.
the rain is bringing the cold, and i am ready for it to seep into my bones and hopefully rob me of the ability to overthink my human condition.
oh and the whole food thing. i suppose you could consider my current diet restraint. who knows if it'll pan out or pain out.
lift day.
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Stiff Leg Barbell Good Morning:
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
Push-Up:
25 reps (+37 pts)
15 reps (+22 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
Lying Barbell Triceps Extension ("Skullcrusher"):
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+7 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Reverse Barbell Curl:
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
skipped breakfast
homemade salad
two hot dogs and saurkraut
protein shake
i show restraint online, in that i am still connected to my ex's family. i want to rant and rave as i have seen others do.. although it wouldn't do any good really.... it'd just be flippant, redactive therapy for me.
i show restraint with my family, in that i continue to portray myself as a catholic when i have lost my faith a long time ago. would coming clean ruin my parents? possibly. no earthly accomplishment counts for anything compared to being a sycophant to the church, something i seem unable to do consistently even with the trauma of divorce. i think certain people need religion, but today, this morning, i am not one of them.
i could lie and say i'm showing restraint by not dating, but that would also be a lie. it's fear. i'm going to lift for about six months, check back with my mind on my body image, and go from there. if i make it. i am still having nightmares and suicidal thoughts constantly. the other day it was me hanging from a belt tied around my squat rack. i have filled my day with distractions and addictions but occasionally that fog of ephemeral materialistic bullshit clears and i have a short-lived epiphany of being, a realization of the loneliness that tears me apart. a rejection of self and others.
the rain is bringing the cold, and i am ready for it to seep into my bones and hopefully rob me of the ability to overthink my human condition.
oh and the whole food thing. i suppose you could consider my current diet restraint. who knows if it'll pan out or pain out.
lift day.
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Stiff Leg Barbell Good Morning:
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
Push-Up:
25 reps (+37 pts)
15 reps (+22 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
Lying Barbell Triceps Extension ("Skullcrusher"):
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+7 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Reverse Barbell Curl:
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
skipped breakfast
homemade salad
two hot dogs and saurkraut
protein shake
20111114
20111114
FML
egg muffins
chicken breast/salad bar at jason's deli
sweet potato
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 20 reps (+89 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 10 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 10 reps (+62 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
so freaking windy this weekend. i got to watch a tree fall actually at my parents house.
nothing can prepare you for the randomness of divorce. she moves out the week before xmas, and i get a text today, 11 months later, asking me to bring all the xmas stuff down from the attic and allow her to go through it.
my response: lol
egg muffins
chicken breast/salad bar at jason's deli
sweet potato
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 20 reps (+89 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 10 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 10 reps (+62 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
so freaking windy this weekend. i got to watch a tree fall actually at my parents house.
nothing can prepare you for the randomness of divorce. she moves out the week before xmas, and i get a text today, 11 months later, asking me to bring all the xmas stuff down from the attic and allow her to go through it.
my response: lol
20111113
20111113
windy this morning, going to attempt a run before breakfast. i should really cancel my phone service.
decent run i guess.. logged on fitocracy. finished my grocery shopping before the christians invaded this morning.
egg muffin
turkey/cheese/bacon
protein shake
meat, veggies, etc
the ex told me to buy the gift and ship it down there. i am not surprised in the least. ;)
decent run i guess.. logged on fitocracy. finished my grocery shopping before the christians invaded this morning.
egg muffin
turkey/cheese/bacon
protein shake
meat, veggies, etc
the ex told me to buy the gift and ship it down there. i am not surprised in the least. ;)
20111112
20111112
lift day.
egg muffins
hamburger salad
spicy beef stew
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Shrug:
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
Pendlay Row:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Standing Overhead Barbell Triceps Extension:
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
Standing Military Press:
45 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
egg muffins
hamburger salad
spicy beef stew
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Shrug:
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
Pendlay Row:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Standing Overhead Barbell Triceps Extension:
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
Standing Military Press:
45 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
20111111
20111111
run day.
two egg muffins
various meats and cheeses, banana, pb, protein powder
tuna salad and sweet potato
kiddo won a "high school musical" chapter book from a drawing at the library at school today. we get in the car and she asks me to turn the radio off.. so she can read. when we get home, she throws on some other clothes and sits quietly on the couch, reading her book. it's times like this when i am ... is honored the right word? ... to be her dad.
two egg muffins
various meats and cheeses, banana, pb, protein powder
tuna salad and sweet potato
kiddo won a "high school musical" chapter book from a drawing at the library at school today. we get in the car and she asks me to turn the radio off.. so she can read. when we get home, she throws on some other clothes and sits quietly on the couch, reading her book. it's times like this when i am ... is honored the right word? ... to be her dad.
20111110
20111110
balogna, hot dog, cheese
protein shake with banana post-workout
club salad at jason's deli
beautiful full moon tonight.
lift day.
had to deal with more bitchface drama today. i send a christmas list to the former inlaws and sister-in-laws and ex replies with:
Why don't we go in on the doll together? Would it be acceptable to you to allow it to be opened at my family's, or are you going to make sure the most awesome gifts come from you/your family?
seriously. i think she's legally retarded. my reply, which i copied to her whole family:
I don't care who buys her what. Christmas is not an arms race. I was giving you and your family a chance to get some things first, because I *want* her to open the gift(s) she wants the most on Christmas morning... and the doll is at the top of that list. If it means I buy the doll and ship it to you guys, fine, just let me know. I am not interested in going in on the doll with you.
retarded.
protein shake with banana post-workout
club salad at jason's deli
beautiful full moon tonight.
lift day.
had to deal with more bitchface drama today. i send a christmas list to the former inlaws and sister-in-laws and ex replies with:
Why don't we go in on the doll together? Would it be acceptable to you to allow it to be opened at my family's, or are you going to make sure the most awesome gifts come from you/your family?
seriously. i think she's legally retarded. my reply, which i copied to her whole family:
I don't care who buys her what. Christmas is not an arms race. I was giving you and your family a chance to get some things first, because I *want* her to open the gift(s) she wants the most on Christmas morning... and the doll is at the top of that list. If it means I buy the doll and ship it to you guys, fine, just let me know. I am not interested in going in on the doll with you.
retarded.
20111109
20111109
monotony shouts idle threats across the bow of a ship buried at the bottom of the sea.
somewhere down below, a wish (or a promise) is scrawled and bottled away. safe. for now.
protein powder and coconut milk for breakfast
chicken salad with feta
a little bit of fish which was gross and then an amazing baked sweet potato
stomach is trying to revolt on me.
"When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house"
- passive-aggressive gold medalist
somewhere down below, a wish (or a promise) is scrawled and bottled away. safe. for now.
protein powder and coconut milk for breakfast
chicken salad with feta
a little bit of fish which was gross and then an amazing baked sweet potato
stomach is trying to revolt on me.
"When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house"
- passive-aggressive gold medalist
20111108
20111108
every day the counter resets. must remember this.
breakfast: two hard boiled eggs
roast beef rollups, banana, ab
muscle milk + coconut milk
steak
breakfast: two hard boiled eggs
roast beef rollups, banana, ab
muscle milk + coconut milk
steak
20111107
20111107-3
need to start logging my meals again..
one piece of balogna, one piece of cheese, one piece of bacon
homemade cobb salad (two eggs, bacon, feta cheese and salad mix)
pb
baked sweet potato.. finally done right. only took two hours
kiddo might have RLS. fantastic.
or i could stop freaking out and realize its growing pains coupled with dance class.
one piece of balogna, one piece of cheese, one piece of bacon
homemade cobb salad (two eggs, bacon, feta cheese and salad mix)
pb
baked sweet potato.. finally done right. only took two hours
kiddo might have RLS. fantastic.
or i could stop freaking out and realize its growing pains coupled with dance class.
20111107
time folds inward toward itself
beckoning for tacit compliance
important dates draw near again
now turned meaningless forever
still they shall be silently observed
feigned reverence and custom aside
with the usual dignity and grandeur
past a sieve of unwavering resolve
each nightmare merely a reminder
of the inevitability of choice
and the consequences therein
beckoning for tacit compliance
important dates draw near again
now turned meaningless forever
still they shall be silently observed
feigned reverence and custom aside
with the usual dignity and grandeur
past a sieve of unwavering resolve
each nightmare merely a reminder
of the inevitability of choice
and the consequences therein
20111106
20111105-2
some new PRs this morning!
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
lifting great this morning! all calf soreness from running yesterday is history.
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
haha.. wasn't paying attention and racked 25s instead of 10s, and managed to bench 185. i blame pantera.
Pull-Up:
5 reps (+40 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
70 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
Reverse Cable Curl:
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
lifting great this morning! all calf soreness from running yesterday is history.
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
haha.. wasn't paying attention and racked 25s instead of 10s, and managed to bench 185. i blame pantera.
Pull-Up:
5 reps (+40 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
70 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
Reverse Cable Curl:
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
20111105
i won't take up any more of your time.
The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you're a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.
- Henry Rollins
The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you're a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.
- Henry Rollins
20111104
20111104
live your fairy tale
on somebody else's unhappy ending
fill the void with new memories
stamp out the old ones at will
accuse deny and capitulate
the cornerstone of your acceptance
post new pictures, toss the others
whatever makes you feel better
on somebody else's unhappy ending
fill the void with new memories
stamp out the old ones at will
accuse deny and capitulate
the cornerstone of your acceptance
post new pictures, toss the others
whatever makes you feel better
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