restraint. it is the word that stifles what i am, every single day.
i show restraint online, in that i am still connected to my ex's family. i want to rant and rave as i have seen others do.. although it wouldn't do any good really.... it'd just be flippant, redactive therapy for me.
i show restraint with my family, in that i continue to portray myself as a catholic when i have lost my faith a long time ago. would coming clean ruin my parents? possibly. no earthly accomplishment counts for anything compared to being a sycophant to the church, something i seem unable to do consistently even with the trauma of divorce. i think certain people need religion, but today, this morning, i am not one of them.
i could lie and say i'm showing restraint by not dating, but that would also be a lie. it's fear. i'm going to lift for about six months, check back with my mind on my body image, and go from there. if i make it. i am still having nightmares and suicidal thoughts constantly. the other day it was me hanging from a belt tied around my squat rack. i have filled my day with distractions and addictions but occasionally that fog of ephemeral materialistic bullshit clears and i have a short-lived epiphany of being, a realization of the loneliness that tears me apart. a rejection of self and others.
the rain is bringing the cold, and i am ready for it to seep into my bones and hopefully rob me of the ability to overthink my human condition.
oh and the whole food thing. i suppose you could consider my current diet restraint. who knows if it'll pan out or pain out.
lift day.
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Stiff Leg Barbell Good Morning:
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
Push-Up:
25 reps (+37 pts)
15 reps (+22 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
Lying Barbell Triceps Extension ("Skullcrusher"):
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+7 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Reverse Barbell Curl:
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
skipped breakfast
homemade salad
two hot dogs and saurkraut
protein shake
