20131030

lunch: half chicken, asparagus, sweet potato fries
dinner: protein shake, leftovers

squat. kiddo had a bad day :(

20131029

so the dumb bitch who showed up when i called roto rooter jacked my kid's shower. there's a leak behind the wall now. fml and not because i have to deal with it, but because fuck her and i have to now be social yet again for no net gain. this physically pains me.

lunch: chicken and veggies, post run
dinner: favorite salad
later: protein and bcaa and banana

and hopefully some form of upper body workout

20131028

just under the gun.

lunch: grilled chicken salad at rp tracks
dinner: chicken, peas, etc at the house
later: almonds and cottage cheese and shit.. probably too much Na

had a scary moment wherein i couldn't really make a fist with either hand and had no energy... was running around playing with m in a zombie-like state

had some hot tea and recovered, and decided to go ahead and squat

i guess it's some nerve issues... i'm always having issues with nerves in my neck. i'm not going to stop though. because fuck it.

20131027

lifted so hard yesterday, not feeling it today.

lunch: chicken, cottage cheese, broccoli (sound familiar?)
dinner: motherfucking yarnells and pb because i love failure
also: more broccoli and cheese and cottage cheese (sensing a pattern?)

20131026

lunch: sirloin, broccoli

dinner: protein and bcaa, cottage cheese, jalapeños

kiddo went to bitchface at 12:30.  I blew 500 on wardrobe and groceries,napped and spent the rest of the evening lifting weights and watching/listening to football.  

I get her back tomorrow.  my only goal is 200 by Christmas.  all else and anyone else can fuck off, my determination is sharpened to a point.

20131025

lunch: half chicken, asparagus, rice

dinner: Newk's favorite salad, bleu cheese

also: a little yarnells and pb

ticket resolved, nap time.

20131024-2

this shit again.

lunch: jason's beefeater (no bread), cup of tomato basil soup (1000 cal, 24g carb, 64g protein)
dinner: chicken and veggies, protein shake (1000 cal, 30 carb, 80g protein)

20131024

Ok.

Woke up 210, discouraged and angry and took it out a bit verbally on my child, who had neglected to complete her homework, after telling me it was done.

Part of it is my fault of course, but we hastily fixed it.

My goal is 200 by Christmas.  It's a simple enough goal.  10 lbs in two months.  With my current activity level, there's really no reason why I shouldn't be able to do this, barring injury.

I will be recording meals and changing my diet.  I can't be accepting frozen yogurt and peanut butter donations from my mother, who means well enough.

Broccoli, grilled chicken, cottage cheese.

And a return to lifting from running.  But serious, sweat enduring lifting.. no more taking a set, then getting on the pc for ten minutes... That's pissing in the wind.

God I hope she has a good day today.  We were both better by the time I dropped her off, and we were fine last night.. My whole world revolves around this stupid number.  

I will do this, damnit.

20131016

i've done a lot of running lately. and a lot of thinking.

i'm out of the pit i was in a few days ago: having my kiddo around heals me i guess.

i'm incredibly tired this morning.. on the tromp towards my office, i started to visualize what my commute would look like without human constructs.. no streets, no buildings, no distractions.

our trees, who were once our overseers, are now our captives. plots of concrete and asphalt surround them and choke off any and all attempts to provide for their young or create offspring.

i guess i feel like my job, my intrusion into the natural order, is detrimental at worst and pointless at best. i feel an urge to leave the city entirely.

and yet here i sit.. impotent, an urban locked in syndrome sufferer.

20131012

still here. ran my headache off miraculously and took the dog on a walk. came back, made some stuff in the crockpot.

the rain hit, did my usual, watched some crap on xbox, went to target and bought frames. finished my vinyl project, i guess.. although i bought two extra frames so i may put two more albums in there. also bought two more albums on amazon.

probably skipping dinner. kiddo's back tomorrow..

house is a wreck.

life is a wreck.

what else is new

20131011

came home to run. can't. had chicken. depression is unsettling.

must refocus.

---

crying? seriously?

20131005

at least i wasn't totally useless today. still needs a name. assuming i ever let anyone listen to it.

20131003

bitchface remarried. why is this bothering me? three years of solitude? when am i going to find hope? depression and parenthood have crushed me.

am i going to let her win?

am i ever going to get laid again for chrissakes?

i can't talk to even the simplest woman in person.

this isn't a woe is me post, this is me honestly curious if i have a breaking point.

this place is a wreck. i have all kinds of broken things in this house, but me worst of all. i'm going to end up ruining my daughter with this.

is this the life i deserve? perhaps so.

three years is a long time in your thirties. and still i can't wake up from this nightmare.