happy same old same old.
vision blurs, visions blur.
20111231
20111231
jesus i hate the holidays.
...
twenty minutes later the irony and/or pun of that statement hits me.
...
twenty minutes later the irony and/or pun of that statement hits me.
20111230
20111230
otherwise known as why can't i fucking sleep. i rarely have insomnia but i do at the moment.
20111229
20111229-2
This morning we played kinect and then watched the Cathy Rigby stage production of "Peter Pan". I think we're hitting the botanic garden afterwards if I can get us out the door :)
20111228
20111228
she comes home today. nervous energy has pretty much cleaned the house for me. i still need to get my gutters cleaned out though. and there are still leaves everywhere. i hate leaves.
i'm level 41 in skyrim though, so i may try to finish out the main storyline today.
decisions decisions.
i'm level 41 in skyrim though, so i may try to finish out the main storyline today.
decisions decisions.
20111222
20111222-2
and we fought on the sendoff.
"you should have thought about all your demands when you were a dick to me all year."
"don't worry, i have an adderall i'm taking two hours into the drive."
she basically fought with me before they left. just.. not the way to leave on a weeklong trip.
"you should have thought about all your demands when you were a dick to me all year."
"don't worry, i have an adderall i'm taking two hours into the drive."
she basically fought with me before they left. just.. not the way to leave on a weeklong trip.
20111222
she leaves this morning at 6am. 14 hours in the car with her mom.
let's recap yesterday. since it's 1:30am and i can't seem to sleep.
woke up, played some games, watched a movie, went to chick fil'a and she played in the play area.
came home, went to the park and played for an hour or so.
back at the house, more games, some tv, and then a fashion show. she took a bath and then we watched "rudolph the red nosed reindeer", and i almost broke down in tears multiple times as it hit me. this was my christmas night with my child. she doesn't want to spent christmas with her mom's family. she doesn't want to be in the back of a car with a "mean mommy". i'm helpless and i still can't fathom why my ex is even bothering with all of this. i almost wish the boyfriend was going down there with her... at least there'd be someone else in the vehicle.
i'd rather spring for a plane ticket for my kid (and my kid alone) rather than this torture.
did i mention that my kid was told NOT to talk about me at all at their parents house? yeah.
i never had to spend a christmas without my parents growing up. this is killing me.
let's recap yesterday. since it's 1:30am and i can't seem to sleep.
woke up, played some games, watched a movie, went to chick fil'a and she played in the play area.
came home, went to the park and played for an hour or so.
back at the house, more games, some tv, and then a fashion show. she took a bath and then we watched "rudolph the red nosed reindeer", and i almost broke down in tears multiple times as it hit me. this was my christmas night with my child. she doesn't want to spent christmas with her mom's family. she doesn't want to be in the back of a car with a "mean mommy". i'm helpless and i still can't fathom why my ex is even bothering with all of this. i almost wish the boyfriend was going down there with her... at least there'd be someone else in the vehicle.
i'd rather spring for a plane ticket for my kid (and my kid alone) rather than this torture.
did i mention that my kid was told NOT to talk about me at all at their parents house? yeah.
i never had to spend a christmas without my parents growing up. this is killing me.
20111221
20111221
one year older.. one year wiser? not sure yet. i have a new melody struggling to lift the coffin lid on my head and ramble out into the world. it's called "thursday morning".
20111219
20111219
whelp. now she wants to pre-dose the kid with dramamine (i couldn't think of a more aptly named drug for my ex.. she probably has stock in the company) for the 14 hr car ride down to her parents house. trying to decide if i want to fight that fight. ugh.
hooked on skyrim.
last day of work for 2011. fuck this year.
breakfast? nope.
lunch? logan's steakhouse.
got a text from bitchface saying "the gift you bought for m says 'from daddy', i thought that was supposed to be a santa gift?" my response? "nope, it's from me." "ok." they want to host christmas with my daughter 14 hours away from me, won't buy her the top gift, and are somehow miffed when I put "from daddy" on it instead of "from santa". yeah, they're shitlisted.
hooked on skyrim.
last day of work for 2011. fuck this year.
breakfast? nope.
lunch? logan's steakhouse.
got a text from bitchface saying "the gift you bought for m says 'from daddy', i thought that was supposed to be a santa gift?" my response? "nope, it's from me." "ok." they want to host christmas with my daughter 14 hours away from me, won't buy her the top gift, and are somehow miffed when I put "from daddy" on it instead of "from santa". yeah, they're shitlisted.
20111216
20111216
today is the last day of school for kiddo. she has a half day (and a party) and i hope she has a great time.
i'm currently sitting at work on a cold and wet day, but i'm only moderately complaining, as i must always remember the pain of the summertime when it cools off.
so i sent my ex a bunch of messages over gmail chat. i basically told her what all happened and then reiterated that i haven't had a drink all year (i haven't) and refuted her insinuation that i'm constantly dropping our kid off with others when i have her with the following:
me: just so you know, i am dealing with a still undiagnosed illness. i was playing tag with m about three weeks ago in the house and experienced extreme, nausea-inducing dizziness. she had to get the phone and call for help as i could not get off the floor. i was driven to the ER but they could not really determine what's up. they put me on fluids and it eventually subsided, although i still felt it for days, and am still feeling cranial pressure and back/neck issues on and off. one of my wisdom teeth was broken and so i had them all removed as a precaution, in case i had an abscess causing everything, but that did not solve the problem. i am going to another specialist while she's out of town, but i didn't want to scare her.
i haven't had a drink all year, i bought everyone's tickets for zoo brew and ended up not going.
Sent at 9:08 AM on Friday
me: and as far as me dropping her off at other people's homes when i have her or whatever you were insinuating before, she is craving normalcy and a positive female influence in her life and i have no other options but to put her in my sister's or mom's (or her aunt's) care so she gets played with.
Sent at 9:09 AM on Friday
me: i have no new phone, no new girl, no new life. all i have is me and i've devoted this year to getting in shape and goddamnit if my body isn't revolting.
ex: To address these in order:
me: so there you have it.
ex: I hope you can find out what's wrong over the break. I know it's scary not to know. I thought you knew it was Lyme?
me: that wouldn't cause acute vertigo
i had a ct scan but i need an mri, it could be a bulging disc but i'm tired of speculating honestly
Sent at 9:12 AM on Friday
ex: lost the chat, sorry.
Maybe consider letting her have friends OVER to play-- I'm making friends out here that have kids so hopefully in the spring she'll have some friends to play with out here. But she and I have had a good time these last couple of times playing Bananagrams and stuff.
me: i dont feel comfortable having other little girls over without a female parent in the house
ex: cp called to mention the bump on her bottom; please take her to the doctor to have that looked at, or else I can. It could get worse. I know she doesn't want to go, but it's like the whole dentist thing-- she can't dictate that.
I am sure cc and/or kr do not mind.
me: she's going to the dentist on my birthday morning
so she'll see one before the trip
ex: Good.
me: because she's been complaining about it, i think honestly a lot of it is her anxiety about me getting my teeth out
ex: Did you get me a copy of her insurance card, or can you, just for me to have?
me: yeah, i made a copy
ex: Doesn't matter-- letting the doc look at it is better than letting it get bad. She may need to see the school counselor again, if only to help her anxiety about YOU-- she's always worried about you, and that can manifest itself in numerous ways.
Sent at 9:19 AM on Friday
me: apparently everyone needs counseling, heh
meeting time, i'll see you at one
ex: Pretty much. Everyone is fucked up in their own way.
Ok.
i then read my horoscope:
Emotions, prejudices, or unresolved issues from the past come up in your interactions with others now, and you may not be very objective. This is a good time to speak up and clear the air of any grievances you have been holding on to for some time. Personal subjects are the topic of discussion now. Reminiscing, remembering, daydreaming about and reflecting on the past is likely.
weird, eh? i guess i feel better. although i probably just jumped into some sort of bear trap unknowing.
no breakfast.
hot dog and something else
balogna
sweet potato
i'm currently sitting at work on a cold and wet day, but i'm only moderately complaining, as i must always remember the pain of the summertime when it cools off.
so i sent my ex a bunch of messages over gmail chat. i basically told her what all happened and then reiterated that i haven't had a drink all year (i haven't) and refuted her insinuation that i'm constantly dropping our kid off with others when i have her with the following:
me: just so you know, i am dealing with a still undiagnosed illness. i was playing tag with m about three weeks ago in the house and experienced extreme, nausea-inducing dizziness. she had to get the phone and call for help as i could not get off the floor. i was driven to the ER but they could not really determine what's up. they put me on fluids and it eventually subsided, although i still felt it for days, and am still feeling cranial pressure and back/neck issues on and off. one of my wisdom teeth was broken and so i had them all removed as a precaution, in case i had an abscess causing everything, but that did not solve the problem. i am going to another specialist while she's out of town, but i didn't want to scare her.
i haven't had a drink all year, i bought everyone's tickets for zoo brew and ended up not going.
Sent at 9:08 AM on Friday
me: and as far as me dropping her off at other people's homes when i have her or whatever you were insinuating before, she is craving normalcy and a positive female influence in her life and i have no other options but to put her in my sister's or mom's (or her aunt's) care so she gets played with.
Sent at 9:09 AM on Friday
me: i have no new phone, no new girl, no new life. all i have is me and i've devoted this year to getting in shape and goddamnit if my body isn't revolting.
ex: To address these in order:
me: so there you have it.
ex: I hope you can find out what's wrong over the break. I know it's scary not to know. I thought you knew it was Lyme?
me: that wouldn't cause acute vertigo
i had a ct scan but i need an mri, it could be a bulging disc but i'm tired of speculating honestly
Sent at 9:12 AM on Friday
ex: lost the chat, sorry.
Maybe consider letting her have friends OVER to play-- I'm making friends out here that have kids so hopefully in the spring she'll have some friends to play with out here. But she and I have had a good time these last couple of times playing Bananagrams and stuff.
me: i dont feel comfortable having other little girls over without a female parent in the house
ex: cp called to mention the bump on her bottom; please take her to the doctor to have that looked at, or else I can. It could get worse. I know she doesn't want to go, but it's like the whole dentist thing-- she can't dictate that.
I am sure cc and/or kr do not mind.
me: she's going to the dentist on my birthday morning
so she'll see one before the trip
ex: Good.
me: because she's been complaining about it, i think honestly a lot of it is her anxiety about me getting my teeth out
ex: Did you get me a copy of her insurance card, or can you, just for me to have?
me: yeah, i made a copy
ex: Doesn't matter-- letting the doc look at it is better than letting it get bad. She may need to see the school counselor again, if only to help her anxiety about YOU-- she's always worried about you, and that can manifest itself in numerous ways.
Sent at 9:19 AM on Friday
me: apparently everyone needs counseling, heh
meeting time, i'll see you at one
ex: Pretty much. Everyone is fucked up in their own way.
Ok.
i then read my horoscope:
Emotions, prejudices, or unresolved issues from the past come up in your interactions with others now, and you may not be very objective. This is a good time to speak up and clear the air of any grievances you have been holding on to for some time. Personal subjects are the topic of discussion now. Reminiscing, remembering, daydreaming about and reflecting on the past is likely.
weird, eh? i guess i feel better. although i probably just jumped into some sort of bear trap unknowing.
no breakfast.
hot dog and something else
balogna
sweet potato
20111215
20111215
tired of being shy. kills me every time. the friendly pretty girl this morning. the wilted wallflower begging to be repotted. at least it gets plenty of water.
20111213
20111213
blissfully unaware of any dreaming this morning.
breakfast? cherry poptart.
feeling better, let's go sit in a chair for 8 hours.
breakfast? cherry poptart.
feeling better, let's go sit in a chair for 8 hours.
20111212
20111212
same old nightmare. pleading with my ex.
this time i kicked everyone out of my house to kill myself, but my brother and my ex wouldn't leave.
is it possible that i will never be able to let her go?
at this point i'm killing myself anyway, through stress. it's going to be much slower and more painful unfortunately.
this time i kicked everyone out of my house to kill myself, but my brother and my ex wouldn't leave.
is it possible that i will never be able to let her go?
at this point i'm killing myself anyway, through stress. it's going to be much slower and more painful unfortunately.
20111211
20111211
was up from midnight to 4am working on some bullshit, and i had to revert all my changes. yeah.
bacon
hot dog and saurkraut
wendy's half cobb and chili
another good song almost in the books.
teeth are fucking killing me tonight.
we attempted to go to a christmas light show at the shell. it kinda sucked. as in most everyone left promptly after it started. oh well, at least it was free.
bacon
hot dog and saurkraut
wendy's half cobb and chili
another good song almost in the books.
teeth are fucking killing me tonight.
we attempted to go to a christmas light show at the shell. it kinda sucked. as in most everyone left promptly after it started. oh well, at least it was free.
20111210
20111210
wrote a song yesterday and one today. strange.
my neck was KILLING me last night after doing some stretches. i definitely have an issue with my spine. that makes more sense than any other explanation. going to get an MRI scheduled on monday.. if i can. i probably need to .. you know.. get a doctor first. bleh.
kiddo is going to a dance recital and then to see "annie" with her aunt.. on the ex's side... who is very nice. i am going to see about going down to visit my friends, and then i have some maintenance to do around midnight for work.
breakfast: bacon and leftover baby cereal
lunch: chicken breast and random shit
ran 2 mi in the cold today. i'm not going out without a fight.
my neck was KILLING me last night after doing some stretches. i definitely have an issue with my spine. that makes more sense than any other explanation. going to get an MRI scheduled on monday.. if i can. i probably need to .. you know.. get a doctor first. bleh.
kiddo is going to a dance recital and then to see "annie" with her aunt.. on the ex's side... who is very nice. i am going to see about going down to visit my friends, and then i have some maintenance to do around midnight for work.
breakfast: bacon and leftover baby cereal
lunch: chicken breast and random shit
ran 2 mi in the cold today. i'm not going out without a fight.
20111207
20111207
so the surgery is done it's 6:30 pm i'm home alone (parents took kiddo with them, as she has tomorrow off school) and everything feels relatively good. i'm kinda curious whether when i awaken from whatever nap/sleep i end up taking whether my face will be swollen, but no real swelling as of yet. i had some pain earlier this afternoon while my folks were still around and just took an advil. i'm saving the hydrocodone for my vacation. lol.
20111206
20111206-2
Signed a petition for "Americans Elect" from a girl named Mary today. Supposedly a third party electoral thing. I don't usually sign these.. but it was a girl named Mary. I guess that's all it takes.
20111204
20111203
20111203
finally back at home. i'm still a little woozy at times, but i'm trying to stay as hydrated as possible.
20111202
20111202-2
well it's the morning and i'm still here. that's the good news. taking today off work again to rest and recuperate. have a dentist appt scheduled for tuesday. hope i make it. kiddo is going off with the ex tonight so i won't see her until late saturday evening. my whole world has been turned upside down on this thing, and i feel like just sitting here for awhile, until i can get my bearings. bleh.
20111202
well, i almost checked out for good last night. after lifting weights earlier in the day, i went back to work, picked up my kid, came home, had dinner, and was about to read to her and put her to bed, when.. she had a little energy left and wanted to play tag. we were just running around the house and all of a sudden i was hopelessly dizzy. i laughed at first but then i realized this was serious. my entire world moved inexorably to the left. i went down somewhat hard to the floor, but managed to get into a seated position. the intense dizziness would persist for the next 4-5 hours. my daughter freaked out but i somehow kept my composure enough to get her to get my phone, as my dizziness was showing no signs of letting up. i called my mom and barely remember the conversation.
miraculously, my brother was less than a mile away at a hardware store, and was at my door in less than five minutes. my sister came over a little later and shuffled kiddo off to her house for the night, and my brother took me to the emergency room.
i'm sure the hospital people thought i was drunk, shuffling into there in my work shoes and crappy jacket telling them i was suffering from dizziness. i got back there and as the nurse started to take my blood pressure i immediately vomited, as the nausea finally took its toll. i was mostly incoherent in the hospital, but i remember an EKG, a cat scan, peeing in a cup, and a nurse who turned my arm into a mess doing bloodwork.
the doc finally came in and mostly talked to my mom, as i was a sweaty babbling eyes-closed fool. they put me on a saline IV and pumped a liter of water into me and i seemed to recover a little composure. his diagnosis was vertigo brought on by dehydration.
well it's been 24 hours and i can tell you i've never drank more liquid in my entire life. i'm still not 100% and am worried that it's my inner ear, or possibly this broken wisdom tooth (!) that i've neglected for more than a year. i'm going to call the dentist in the morning.
i guess what i'm saying is that this was a wake up call, and i want to live. seeing the face of my daughter as i was going through this was more motivation that i ever could have hoped for. i hope this never happens again.
my family has been amazing during this, as usual. my sister got m to school and my mom picked her up and brought my dog down here to my parents house, where i've apparently set up camp. i have an important mtg tomorrow at work that i may have to call into (or ask for a reschedule). the vertigo is still coming and going but not nearly as intense as it was. it's more like, i'll get up and all of a sudden i'll be listing to the left like i'm on a boat. the fact that it's still around 24 hours later coupled with the acute onset has me scared as hell.
i'm going to question everything now of course.. stress, diet, exercise, etc. this is seemingly my healthiest year physical wise (and my worst year emotional wise).. it's really no surprise which side is winning. i'm about damn ready for this year to be over though i'll tell you that.
i need to have some friends in my life. being isolated has given me no solace. /sigh
here's the workout of doom, as i'll call it.. don't try this at home?
•Barbell Squat:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•205 lb x 3 reps (+90 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Barbell Deadlift:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Barbell Bench Press:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
miraculously, my brother was less than a mile away at a hardware store, and was at my door in less than five minutes. my sister came over a little later and shuffled kiddo off to her house for the night, and my brother took me to the emergency room.
i'm sure the hospital people thought i was drunk, shuffling into there in my work shoes and crappy jacket telling them i was suffering from dizziness. i got back there and as the nurse started to take my blood pressure i immediately vomited, as the nausea finally took its toll. i was mostly incoherent in the hospital, but i remember an EKG, a cat scan, peeing in a cup, and a nurse who turned my arm into a mess doing bloodwork.
the doc finally came in and mostly talked to my mom, as i was a sweaty babbling eyes-closed fool. they put me on a saline IV and pumped a liter of water into me and i seemed to recover a little composure. his diagnosis was vertigo brought on by dehydration.
well it's been 24 hours and i can tell you i've never drank more liquid in my entire life. i'm still not 100% and am worried that it's my inner ear, or possibly this broken wisdom tooth (!) that i've neglected for more than a year. i'm going to call the dentist in the morning.
i guess what i'm saying is that this was a wake up call, and i want to live. seeing the face of my daughter as i was going through this was more motivation that i ever could have hoped for. i hope this never happens again.
my family has been amazing during this, as usual. my sister got m to school and my mom picked her up and brought my dog down here to my parents house, where i've apparently set up camp. i have an important mtg tomorrow at work that i may have to call into (or ask for a reschedule). the vertigo is still coming and going but not nearly as intense as it was. it's more like, i'll get up and all of a sudden i'll be listing to the left like i'm on a boat. the fact that it's still around 24 hours later coupled with the acute onset has me scared as hell.
i'm going to question everything now of course.. stress, diet, exercise, etc. this is seemingly my healthiest year physical wise (and my worst year emotional wise).. it's really no surprise which side is winning. i'm about damn ready for this year to be over though i'll tell you that.
i need to have some friends in my life. being isolated has given me no solace. /sigh
here's the workout of doom, as i'll call it.. don't try this at home?
•Barbell Squat:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•205 lb x 3 reps (+90 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Barbell Deadlift:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Barbell Bench Press:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
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