Year draws to a close again
But those lines on your face
Careworn and persistent
They're going nowhere
And neither are you
Attained through sacrifice
Earned through suffering
The knife has yet to dull
In your back, out of reach
And you must leave it there
So you will never forget
Can't afford to make mistakes
Comfort is a luxury of youth
But your former soul mate
Ever the teacher
Taught you something
Far more valuable
Trust is a luxury as well
One you can never reclaim
20101231
20101230
20101230
Thawing out this morning
Belief systems crushed
My girls are both still asleep
But at different addresses
Is this divine tragedy
Separating mother from child
I never wanted this
But she does, doesn't she
Pulled in a million directions
I will always choose wisely
Curse the logic
I'll never ascend from myself
Never improve from what I am
Another statistic
Another cliche
Another love?
Not likely.
Belief systems crushed
My girls are both still asleep
But at different addresses
Is this divine tragedy
Separating mother from child
I never wanted this
But she does, doesn't she
Pulled in a million directions
I will always choose wisely
Curse the logic
I'll never ascend from myself
Never improve from what I am
Another statistic
Another cliche
Another love?
Not likely.
20101229
20101229
Finally figured it all out
Pieced together another truth
From evidence and quotations
Such a lofty epiphany
A great weight has been lifted
Knowledge is blinding clarity
She is living Eat, Pray, Love
In her head, in her mind
The similarities are striking
But so disappointing, so sad
When did her sanity slip away
What will she do when
Life doesn't work like literature
What will she do when
Life doesn't resolve like a novel
Swimming in her fishbowl
No one's going to pull her out
Not this time
Pieced together another truth
From evidence and quotations
Such a lofty epiphany
A great weight has been lifted
Knowledge is blinding clarity
She is living Eat, Pray, Love
In her head, in her mind
The similarities are striking
But so disappointing, so sad
When did her sanity slip away
What will she do when
Life doesn't work like literature
What will she do when
Life doesn't resolve like a novel
Swimming in her fishbowl
No one's going to pull her out
Not this time
20101228
20101228
Had a dream I was compromised
Woke up and found it true
My identity had been stolen
Robbed by you, my love
Took all that I am
All that I know
Stuffed it in a box
Placed it on the shelf
Carried it out the door
Towards another life
Who am I now without you
No one
Woke up and found it true
My identity had been stolen
Robbed by you, my love
Took all that I am
All that I know
Stuffed it in a box
Placed it on the shelf
Carried it out the door
Towards another life
Who am I now without you
No one
20101227
20101227-2
she's out on the ledge again, patience wearing thin
friends say she'll be alright, till she takes flight
under the vitriol, lies another lost soul
promises mean next to nothing,
friends say she'll be alright, till she takes flight
under the vitriol, lies another lost soul
promises mean next to nothing,
20101227
She seems so very desperate
Wonder if she's striking out
Her invisible needs unfulfilled
New action figures for her
To pose and oppose, how sad
And here I am, the old news
Placed in the trash bin
Manager's special, all used up
Good until 12/04/10
Outscoring her brings no comfort
A pyrrhic victory indeed
Might as well shrivel up
Sink or swim? Why even bother
Wonder if she's striking out
Her invisible needs unfulfilled
New action figures for her
To pose and oppose, how sad
And here I am, the old news
Placed in the trash bin
Manager's special, all used up
Good until 12/04/10
Outscoring her brings no comfort
A pyrrhic victory indeed
Might as well shrivel up
Sink or swim? Why even bother
20101226
20101226
The days bleed together
Free time wanes yet again
The circle closes in on itself
And again I'll sit alone
Pondering the past, sadly
Wondering how we got here
Will the years varnish away
All the anger and sadness
Will our love be sanded down
For display purposes only
The heretic moved on
Why can't you
Abused and used up and yet
You are eternally hopeful
And eternally bitter
Go write a greeting card
Free time wanes yet again
The circle closes in on itself
And again I'll sit alone
Pondering the past, sadly
Wondering how we got here
Will the years varnish away
All the anger and sadness
Will our love be sanded down
For display purposes only
The heretic moved on
Why can't you
Abused and used up and yet
You are eternally hopeful
And eternally bitter
Go write a greeting card
20101225
20101225
His birthday has come and gone
Princess seems happy enough
The wife leaves yet again
Takes her clouds with her
Her departure brings the snow
A white Christmas for us
But not for her
Hers is a hard road
And she'll walk it alone
I again place my faith in Him
To see us through this darkness
I see so much sorrow
So much evil
In this sad, sad world
Is there nothing of value
What is the purpose
Of so much suffering
Is there a light at the end
Of my tunnel
Of hers?
Princess seems happy enough
The wife leaves yet again
Takes her clouds with her
Her departure brings the snow
A white Christmas for us
But not for her
Hers is a hard road
And she'll walk it alone
I again place my faith in Him
To see us through this darkness
I see so much sorrow
So much evil
In this sad, sad world
Is there nothing of value
What is the purpose
Of so much suffering
Is there a light at the end
Of my tunnel
Of hers?
20101224
20101224-3
She sleeps here one last time
Rehashing tired arguments
Pretending she's someone else
But I have to admit
All those years
I was the one playing pretend
Pretending she was decent
Evil I found and I embraced it
Covered for it, enabled it
Year after year
Did I sell my soul for this?
In my desperate virginal haze
Did I ask for a woman
No matter the cost
Whatever's on the couch tonight
It's not the woman I loved
She'll never get it back
Poor stupid girl
Rehashing tired arguments
Pretending she's someone else
But I have to admit
All those years
I was the one playing pretend
Pretending she was decent
Evil I found and I embraced it
Covered for it, enabled it
Year after year
Did I sell my soul for this?
In my desperate virginal haze
Did I ask for a woman
No matter the cost
Whatever's on the couch tonight
It's not the woman I loved
She'll never get it back
Poor stupid girl
20101224
Unopened mail waits
Clocks tick expectantly
Uncared for home erodes
Just let it go, and I might
The anchor broken in two
Set adrift on a starless night
I still sleep on my side
Cause she told me to
I have a new journey ahead
Find myself, define myself
What do I want
A reed in the wind no longer
Awareness of self, and hope
Tomorrow brings Christmas
Season of joy and beginnings
Take a page from her book
And ask yourself triumphantly
What's in it for me
Clocks tick expectantly
Uncared for home erodes
Just let it go, and I might
The anchor broken in two
Set adrift on a starless night
I still sleep on my side
Cause she told me to
I have a new journey ahead
Find myself, define myself
What do I want
A reed in the wind no longer
Awareness of self, and hope
Tomorrow brings Christmas
Season of joy and beginnings
Take a page from her book
And ask yourself triumphantly
What's in it for me
20101224-2
Everything comes back around
Her sweetness removes all doubt
Letters to Peter Pan
With instructions of course
She is your salvation
Love her with all your heart
But let her spread her wings
And take that majestic flight
Every day a new adventure
Don't lose sight of yourself
It's us two against the world
Never look back!
Her sweetness removes all doubt
Letters to Peter Pan
With instructions of course
She is your salvation
Love her with all your heart
But let her spread her wings
And take that majestic flight
Every day a new adventure
Don't lose sight of yourself
It's us two against the world
Never look back!
20101224-diary
soooo
today i woke up and ran. although it was quite cold, so not my normal distance. yesterday's run was really awesome... the trails behind parents house and the whole neighborhood. very good way to clear my mind.
anyway, afterwards, cleaned up and drove down to pick up m.. fell asleep on the couch while she was watching peter pan (with jeremy irons). woke up about 1pm and took her home, where we proceeded to watch temple of doom again.
we then went to mass. m and i sat next to brother/nephew, who had also arrived right before it started. i could not deal with seeing cousins and their happy little fucking families. and m was tired. i gave $10 for some reason. maybe to give back. it just felt right at the time.
i am truly blessed to have made it this far through this ordeal, and i do thank god for that. but seeing my cousins happily married made me feel so small and embarassed to have FAILED at it, and maddie was tired, that we ducked out essentially right after they processed back at the end.
we drove home and i called a, who was already "camped out" at the house with shitty dog the hair machine. her intention was to pick m up and take her to d's. but m was tired and didn't feel good and basically told her mom no when we got there. i laughed afterwards, cause a just said fuck it and left. i made m some noodles and then we read a berenstain bears book and she crashed out in my bed.
she prepared two cupcakes and milk for santa, each cupcake had a strawberry icing heart on top. pretty damn cute, if i do say so myself. i hope beyond hope that she has a good christmas morning with as little drama as possible. we're going out to bro's and then to sis's i believe.
and sunday, her aunt is going to come pick her up and take her their christmas. i hear a now...
bleh.
today i woke up and ran. although it was quite cold, so not my normal distance. yesterday's run was really awesome... the trails behind parents house and the whole neighborhood. very good way to clear my mind.
anyway, afterwards, cleaned up and drove down to pick up m.. fell asleep on the couch while she was watching peter pan (with jeremy irons). woke up about 1pm and took her home, where we proceeded to watch temple of doom again.
we then went to mass. m and i sat next to brother/nephew, who had also arrived right before it started. i could not deal with seeing cousins and their happy little fucking families. and m was tired. i gave $10 for some reason. maybe to give back. it just felt right at the time.
i am truly blessed to have made it this far through this ordeal, and i do thank god for that. but seeing my cousins happily married made me feel so small and embarassed to have FAILED at it, and maddie was tired, that we ducked out essentially right after they processed back at the end.
we drove home and i called a, who was already "camped out" at the house with shitty dog the hair machine. her intention was to pick m up and take her to d's. but m was tired and didn't feel good and basically told her mom no when we got there. i laughed afterwards, cause a just said fuck it and left. i made m some noodles and then we read a berenstain bears book and she crashed out in my bed.
she prepared two cupcakes and milk for santa, each cupcake had a strawberry icing heart on top. pretty damn cute, if i do say so myself. i hope beyond hope that she has a good christmas morning with as little drama as possible. we're going out to bro's and then to sis's i believe.
and sunday, her aunt is going to come pick her up and take her their christmas. i hear a now...
bleh.
20101223
20101223
Fall in and out of love
With your circular reasoning
Take the swiftest current
Another victim of the whirlpool
High on the tides
Stuck on a course
You lost sight of me
But I'm still watching
From calmer waters
I'd throw you a rope
But you'd just drag me down
Some days I'd prefer that
To what I have ahead of me
With your circular reasoning
Take the swiftest current
Another victim of the whirlpool
High on the tides
Stuck on a course
You lost sight of me
But I'm still watching
From calmer waters
I'd throw you a rope
But you'd just drag me down
Some days I'd prefer that
To what I have ahead of me
20101222
20101222-3
She swims in the shallow end
Anyone can touch the bottom
Every morning I still dive in
Facefirst into the sadness
She bartered us away
Traded for new social circles
A gamble with no odds
Everybody loses this one
Was our situation so dire
That she'd throw us away
So easily, so easily
A matter of weeks, of days
I have to ask
I have to wonder
Did she ever love me
Did she ever love us
Anyone can touch the bottom
Every morning I still dive in
Facefirst into the sadness
She bartered us away
Traded for new social circles
A gamble with no odds
Everybody loses this one
Was our situation so dire
That she'd throw us away
So easily, so easily
A matter of weeks, of days
I have to ask
I have to wonder
Did she ever love me
Did she ever love us
20101222-2
Center of attention as usual
Grit my teeth a final time
Bought a landfill miles away
Disappointment sets in again
How many trips will it take
To push you out of my head
Chew your nails down
Calm your restless legs
Embrace your escape plan
Push it down until it explodes
Right in your face
By then I'll be gone
And it'll be too late
Grit my teeth a final time
Bought a landfill miles away
Disappointment sets in again
How many trips will it take
To push you out of my head
Chew your nails down
Calm your restless legs
Embrace your escape plan
Push it down until it explodes
Right in your face
By then I'll be gone
And it'll be too late
20101222
Prospects are green today
Her little game of pretend
She chases after others
I have to let it go
Defeat is staring at me
Across a field of comments
Truth of the matter is
She slipped through your fingers
Once you've moved past it
That's when her regret
Will finally surface
That's when her eyes will open
To what she has done
By then
My eyes will be closed
Her little game of pretend
She chases after others
I have to let it go
Defeat is staring at me
Across a field of comments
Truth of the matter is
She slipped through your fingers
Once you've moved past it
That's when her regret
Will finally surface
That's when her eyes will open
To what she has done
By then
My eyes will be closed
20101221
20101221-2
If you're ever changing
You're never satisfied
If you're never satisfied
You're never comfortable
If you're never comfortable
You're never happy
You're never satisfied
If you're never satisfied
You're never comfortable
If you're never comfortable
You're never happy
20101221
Closure begins today
Meetings and paperwork
Sign away your commitment
Surrender your faith
Today she is sure of herself
She always was
And as usual
I am simply along for the ride
Years from now
Will her eyes open
Her freedom is short sighted
And ill gotten
Can't bear her suffering
Letting her go is so hard
But as usual
I am simply along for the ride
Meetings and paperwork
Sign away your commitment
Surrender your faith
Today she is sure of herself
She always was
And as usual
I am simply along for the ride
Years from now
Will her eyes open
Her freedom is short sighted
And ill gotten
Can't bear her suffering
Letting her go is so hard
But as usual
I am simply along for the ride
20101221-diary
let's see. this morning. woke up. m woke up coughing and spitting into the toilet. she had a nosebleed last night while a went to trivia.
she felt better after some cantaloupe. we watched phineas and ferb. i did some of the divorce paperwork.
we went to get me a haircut, and then we stopped by the grocery store on the way back and picked up a few things, and some cake mix to make cupcakes (gingerbread and strawberry icing? yeah.)
when we got back, she watched berenstain bears, and then we cleaned her room finally.
i moved some clothes into a's old closet in the bedroom, and we watched indy and the last crusade.
i am numb. i think we're going to mass at 5pm on friday (xmas eve).
a texted me to ask if i want to go to dinner with her at d's afterwards.
negative, ghostrider.
she felt better after some cantaloupe. we watched phineas and ferb. i did some of the divorce paperwork.
we went to get me a haircut, and then we stopped by the grocery store on the way back and picked up a few things, and some cake mix to make cupcakes (gingerbread and strawberry icing? yeah.)
when we got back, she watched berenstain bears, and then we cleaned her room finally.
i moved some clothes into a's old closet in the bedroom, and we watched indy and the last crusade.
i am numb. i think we're going to mass at 5pm on friday (xmas eve).
a texted me to ask if i want to go to dinner with her at d's afterwards.
negative, ghostrider.
20101220
20101220-2
The stars dance tonight
Movements well rehearsed
Today I was born into this
Today I made my start
I beg for kindness
I beg for strength
It is a day of beginnings
A morning made for change
Somewhere past the fog
Of sadness and doubt
A hand reaches for yours
You should take it
And move on
Movements well rehearsed
Today I was born into this
Today I made my start
I beg for kindness
I beg for strength
It is a day of beginnings
A morning made for change
Somewhere past the fog
Of sadness and doubt
A hand reaches for yours
You should take it
And move on
20101220
Candles burn at both ends
Wishes have come true
Backwards and uphill
Fate coughs up the parole
Requested by passing feelings
Relief is now a false hope
Doctored sins of the maiden
Bequeath a final gift to you
Clarity of the human condition
And the innate destitution
Better to let it rot
Or let it go
Either way
Whatever
Wishes have come true
Backwards and uphill
Fate coughs up the parole
Requested by passing feelings
Relief is now a false hope
Doctored sins of the maiden
Bequeath a final gift to you
Clarity of the human condition
And the innate destitution
Better to let it rot
Or let it go
Either way
Whatever
20101219
20101219
Welcome to the Mausoleum
Watch your step, sweetie
Having trouble walking about
The wings were a gift you see
They soon settled into marble
Burdensome and unyielding
Weights gilded to my frame
From others good intentions
Stumbling through the rubble
All part of the attraction
A childhood home of ashes and tears
Wish I could deliver you
From this dust and rejection
All in due time
From this cold empty space
All in due time
Watch your step, sweetie
Having trouble walking about
The wings were a gift you see
They soon settled into marble
Burdensome and unyielding
Weights gilded to my frame
From others good intentions
Stumbling through the rubble
All part of the attraction
A childhood home of ashes and tears
Wish I could deliver you
From this dust and rejection
All in due time
From this cold empty space
All in due time
20101218
20101218-2
The saints are chipped and cracked
Surveying the scene with lidless eyes
Rosaries and memories half remembered
Forced back to the starting line
In the palm of the carver
A deathbed scene played out in advance
Devotions abandoned for aspirations
Exasperated and exacerbated
Gasp for a final breath
Just to prove you're still alive
Surveying the scene with lidless eyes
Rosaries and memories half remembered
Forced back to the starting line
In the palm of the carver
A deathbed scene played out in advance
Devotions abandoned for aspirations
Exasperated and exacerbated
Gasp for a final breath
Just to prove you're still alive
20101218
Today she abandons us
Yet another greener pasture
Such a destructive cycle
Never seeing the big picture
We spend the weekend away
Father and daughter
At my true home
Where even nightmares comfort
Soon we return to broken
Bitter and meaningless
Starting over together
Father and daughter
Happy signed a lease elsewhere
I'll have to settle for distracted
Rejection resurrection
Goodbye, my love
Sincerely
Father and daughter
Yet another greener pasture
Such a destructive cycle
Never seeing the big picture
We spend the weekend away
Father and daughter
At my true home
Where even nightmares comfort
Soon we return to broken
Bitter and meaningless
Starting over together
Father and daughter
Happy signed a lease elsewhere
I'll have to settle for distracted
Rejection resurrection
Goodbye, my love
Sincerely
Father and daughter
20101217
20101217-2
One day only
My life the clearance sale
Off she goes
She knows what she's doing
But what she's doing
Is undoing
A knot we tied together
Tangled though it was
It was ours
Good luck untying it
My life the clearance sale
Off she goes
She knows what she's doing
But what she's doing
Is undoing
A knot we tied together
Tangled though it was
It was ours
Good luck untying it
20101217
Got you some flowers today
Don't make a fuss though
Didn't take too much effort
Wish I could see your face
When you finally notice
If you knew what I'd done
To get them, you'd be crushed
Or maybe only I'd be
Happenstance brought them
You see, my love
This wasn't my plot after all
Course I only see the roots
But I hope you like them.
Don't make a fuss though
Didn't take too much effort
Wish I could see your face
When you finally notice
If you knew what I'd done
To get them, you'd be crushed
Or maybe only I'd be
Happenstance brought them
You see, my love
This wasn't my plot after all
Course I only see the roots
But I hope you like them.
20101216
20101216
Words come slowly today
Frozen by stolid defiance
The anger wells up like
Jagged stones under the sands
Everywhere I walk I feel them
Cutting away at my will
Tearing at my good intentions
Funny, they never hurt before
She turned on a dime
And never looked back
Out paths uncrossed.. forever?
She always was the pursuer
Frozen by stolid defiance
The anger wells up like
Jagged stones under the sands
Everywhere I walk I feel them
Cutting away at my will
Tearing at my good intentions
Funny, they never hurt before
She turned on a dime
And never looked back
Out paths uncrossed.. forever?
She always was the pursuer
20101215
20101215
A trivial situation
Count your friends blessed
But they don't know you
Like I do
Your mind, your soul
I swam in your deepest depths
Or so I was convinced
Were you a pitiless dream
Idyllic and wistful
hopeful yet distraught
One part lover
One part friend
If I could
I'd do it all over again
Count your friends blessed
But they don't know you
Like I do
Your mind, your soul
I swam in your deepest depths
Or so I was convinced
Were you a pitiless dream
Idyllic and wistful
hopeful yet distraught
One part lover
One part friend
If I could
I'd do it all over again
20101214
20101214
She leaves for work
A morning kiss and hug
Say farewell to photo albums
Scrapbooks with blank pages
Inside jokes and anecdotes
The 5x7s gather dust
Those happy faces
They'll keep their smiles
Bide their time
And blow a kiss to the wind
A morning kiss and hug
Say farewell to photo albums
Scrapbooks with blank pages
Inside jokes and anecdotes
The 5x7s gather dust
Those happy faces
They'll keep their smiles
Bide their time
And blow a kiss to the wind
20101213
20101213
The wound closes
Sutured by regret
Time on my hands evicted
For a guitar and a prayer
Tis the season
For a lapse of reason
I'm left holding what's right
Everything else slipped through my fingers
Sutured by regret
Time on my hands evicted
For a guitar and a prayer
Tis the season
For a lapse of reason
I'm left holding what's right
Everything else slipped through my fingers
20101212
20101212
Can the river change course
We were caught upstream
A torrent of emotion
Rippling on and outward
Left to our own devices
Will we collide again
Wish our child could wish you back
Only time can fix things now
We were caught upstream
A torrent of emotion
Rippling on and outward
Left to our own devices
Will we collide again
Wish our child could wish you back
Only time can fix things now
20101211
20101211
One week left, she says
Words pour from the tap
Holding her tight
Her reticent eyes
A bittersweet reminder
Of her iron resolve
We will always wear our rings
Even if only on the inside
She's made up our minds
But our hearts never let go
Words pour from the tap
Holding her tight
Her reticent eyes
A bittersweet reminder
Of her iron resolve
We will always wear our rings
Even if only on the inside
She's made up our minds
But our hearts never let go
20101210
20101210
Strung the bad dreams into a necklace
A hailstorm of distilled memories
Buried his ring down deep
The endless march might one day uncover
The winds changed and stole her affection
A bewildered man waits in vain
The memories she'd forgotten
The love she'd forsaken
The home cracked like a shell
It's a seller's market they say
A hailstorm of distilled memories
Buried his ring down deep
The endless march might one day uncover
The winds changed and stole her affection
A bewildered man waits in vain
The memories she'd forgotten
The love she'd forsaken
The home cracked like a shell
It's a seller's market they say
20101207
20101207
The reckoning has come to pass
But are we truly free
A bond broken, a fight is lost
Does she even know why
She moves out soon
Rejection stabs at me
Little knives of despair
Collision course with solitude
She'll pack her things
And she'll be off
My child and I abandoned
Is that really my fate
Will I ever get over her?
We had it all
She threw it away
She threw US away
Who would want this
Recycled family
Who would want this
Brokedown man
Is this what *I* wanted
No one asked
only now do I understand
The reality of love
It is positive and negative
All rolled into one
This pain I feel is love
This hurt she won't feel is love
Does she regret any of this
I still want to fix her
I want to make her whole
But her walls are back up
I'm powerless
The only woman I've ever loved
Rejected me
What is left for me here
Brake lights in the distance
But are we truly free
A bond broken, a fight is lost
Does she even know why
She moves out soon
Rejection stabs at me
Little knives of despair
Collision course with solitude
She'll pack her things
And she'll be off
My child and I abandoned
Is that really my fate
Will I ever get over her?
We had it all
She threw it away
She threw US away
Who would want this
Recycled family
Who would want this
Brokedown man
Is this what *I* wanted
No one asked
only now do I understand
The reality of love
It is positive and negative
All rolled into one
This pain I feel is love
This hurt she won't feel is love
Does she regret any of this
I still want to fix her
I want to make her whole
But her walls are back up
I'm powerless
The only woman I've ever loved
Rejected me
What is left for me here
Brake lights in the distance
20101202
20101202-2
Revelations! How terrible
And yet so much is lifted
Knowledge I asked for in youth
I was given knowledge
Truth I asked for this time
And truth i have received
What a horrible Christmas gift
But an unopened present
Of lies and deceit
Never served either of us
Forgiveness is over
We are over
It is the worst feeling ever
And yet
It is a relief
To know I'm not crazy
To know it doesn't end here
This pain too will pass
This pain too will pass
And yet so much is lifted
Knowledge I asked for in youth
I was given knowledge
Truth I asked for this time
And truth i have received
What a horrible Christmas gift
But an unopened present
Of lies and deceit
Never served either of us
Forgiveness is over
We are over
It is the worst feeling ever
And yet
It is a relief
To know I'm not crazy
To know it doesn't end here
This pain too will pass
This pain too will pass
20101202
Does she know I'm watching
Does she even care
Does she know I'm hurting
Does she know I'm scared
Whatever happens now
She brought upon herself
For she is clearly wicked
And I am clearly deaf
She screamed her evil daily
But why, I'll never know
It's too much pain to deal with
And now it's time to go.
Does she even care
Does she know I'm hurting
Does she know I'm scared
Whatever happens now
She brought upon herself
For she is clearly wicked
And I am clearly deaf
She screamed her evil daily
But why, I'll never know
It's too much pain to deal with
And now it's time to go.
20101201
20101201
They say you'll go in your sleep
How wrong is that
You go when you wake up
A little more each day
Patterns of repetition collapsing
Falling down into more patterns
Belief structures and systems
In place for our own good
But our own good is out of place
We know it in our hearts
Our hearts will never know
If the choices were there for us
Or there against us
How wrong is that
You go when you wake up
A little more each day
Patterns of repetition collapsing
Falling down into more patterns
Belief structures and systems
In place for our own good
But our own good is out of place
We know it in our hearts
Our hearts will never know
If the choices were there for us
Or there against us
20101129
20101129
Today she flirts anew
Chapters rehearsed in private
You prayed for the truth
Were you ready or not
This ride lets out soon
Unless it jumps the tracks
God help me
For what I may do next
Will define me
Or damn me
Chapters rehearsed in private
You prayed for the truth
Were you ready or not
This ride lets out soon
Unless it jumps the tracks
God help me
For what I may do next
Will define me
Or damn me
20101128
20101128
Going old awaiting orders from above
Slumped over a wreck of truths
You get what you pay for, they say
When will our debts be settled
Pretty faces bred for transgression
Playing a game since birth
Numb from the betrayals
Let me go
Xmas trees as corpses on the tops of cars
Having children is the most wasteful pollution on the planet
Slumped over a wreck of truths
You get what you pay for, they say
When will our debts be settled
Pretty faces bred for transgression
Playing a game since birth
Numb from the betrayals
Let me go
Xmas trees as corpses on the tops of cars
Having children is the most wasteful pollution on the planet
20101124
20101124-3
Today the winds have changed
Comfort is their discomfort
Paved emotions ready for trampling
A cycle of reluctance
outthink the silence?
I think not.
Comfort is their discomfort
Paved emotions ready for trampling
A cycle of reluctance
outthink the silence?
I think not.
20101124-2
You'll never understand
A profound genius
That's what they say
And they were right
Those progressions you chose
Pull me in every time
But why did you go and do
What you felt you needed to
For what you've taught me
Is to admire from afar
But keep my distance
To know you through and through
Is to say goodbye
Who of us is ready for that
Only you
A profound genius
That's what they say
And they were right
Those progressions you chose
Pull me in every time
But why did you go and do
What you felt you needed to
For what you've taught me
Is to admire from afar
But keep my distance
To know you through and through
Is to say goodbye
Who of us is ready for that
Only you
20101124
Standard issue asshole
Winning on your imaginary scoreboard
Who needs nice when you're always right
Sweet nothings from a kindred spirit
Ignored for another quip and retort
Live your life on unreturned insults
Your volume knob broken since birth
An open invitation to your party
Quote scripture like you wrote it
Plague the gym like you own it
Pulled one over on the world
Another standard issue asshole
Winning on your imaginary scoreboard
Who needs nice when you're always right
Sweet nothings from a kindred spirit
Ignored for another quip and retort
Live your life on unreturned insults
Your volume knob broken since birth
An open invitation to your party
Quote scripture like you wrote it
Plague the gym like you own it
Pulled one over on the world
Another standard issue asshole
20101122
20101122
I am so tired of it all
There are no horizons left to see
Only the wind will remember my name
Tried and failed, a fat kid after all
I never let them win
I never let them in
And ah the question they'll ask
Who is to blame
Mostly her and mostly me
And mostly this world I no longer wish to see
I am worth less than nothing
Given to thoughts greater than deserved
Only my child keeps me alive
And every day she dies a little
Every day she turns into her
Another woman who will abuse me
Free me, for I cannot free myself
She is only biding her time
And so am I
A bundle of promises and potential
I'll never live up to it
And you know what
No one cares :(
There are no horizons left to see
Only the wind will remember my name
Tried and failed, a fat kid after all
I never let them win
I never let them in
And ah the question they'll ask
Who is to blame
Mostly her and mostly me
And mostly this world I no longer wish to see
I am worth less than nothing
Given to thoughts greater than deserved
Only my child keeps me alive
And every day she dies a little
Every day she turns into her
Another woman who will abuse me
Free me, for I cannot free myself
She is only biding her time
And so am I
A bundle of promises and potential
I'll never live up to it
And you know what
No one cares :(
20101116
20101116
you were there at the beginning of it all
watching and waiting and hoping for the best
weighing and measuring
you were there for the first cautious steps
walking alongside and hoping for the best
counseling and mending
you were there for the ceremony
insisting on togetherness and hoping for the best
caressing and enticing
you were there for the full circle
demanding nothing, providing everything and hoping for the best
perfecting and coping
you were there for the end
knowing the worst and hoping for the best
accepting and reconciling
goodbye old friend
it's time to step away from the mirror
watching and waiting and hoping for the best
weighing and measuring
you were there for the first cautious steps
walking alongside and hoping for the best
counseling and mending
you were there for the ceremony
insisting on togetherness and hoping for the best
caressing and enticing
you were there for the full circle
demanding nothing, providing everything and hoping for the best
perfecting and coping
you were there for the end
knowing the worst and hoping for the best
accepting and reconciling
goodbye old friend
it's time to step away from the mirror
20101113
20101113
cornered, the prey works on instinct
but the moment of truth never arrives
a pauper and pawn for the amusement of friends
with benefits going to the charity of their choosing
a game of sorts, for fools and thinkers
but a heart is at stake
each message sent and received with loving care
and careless love receives no message unsent
such an incredulous notion, this respect and trust
in a doubt-ridden fen of contrary evidence
a game of sport, for actors and actresses
but a heart is at stake
again we circle around the precipice
locked in stares that never meet
eye to eye in perpetual asides
wielding secrets like weapons
a game to court, for calls and messages
but a heart is at stake
but the moment of truth never arrives
a pauper and pawn for the amusement of friends
with benefits going to the charity of their choosing
a game of sorts, for fools and thinkers
but a heart is at stake
each message sent and received with loving care
and careless love receives no message unsent
such an incredulous notion, this respect and trust
in a doubt-ridden fen of contrary evidence
a game of sport, for actors and actresses
but a heart is at stake
again we circle around the precipice
locked in stares that never meet
eye to eye in perpetual asides
wielding secrets like weapons
a game to court, for calls and messages
but a heart is at stake
20101101
20101101
20101101
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness." Micah 7:8-9
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness." Micah 7:8-9
20101001
20101001
She wouldn't really hug me this morning. It was so painful. I just turned around and went back to bed.
Today is m's birthday party. To have to deal with this on what should be an amazingly happy occasion for my daughter is killing me inside. I don't know how I'm going to do this tonight. I will soldier on, somehow. Again I place my trust and hope in God to see me through these dark times.
God, help me to know the right things to say and do. Help her to see the error of her ways, help her to rededicate herself to us, help her to fall in love with me again. This is such an emotional rollercoaster. And I still want her to stay, no matter how many facts I have to face. I still love her. I still want her next to me and near me.
She is very tired she says. Just the thing a girl's game night will fix, right?
I wonder if she's just flat out losing it.
I have rehearsed our conversation a million times in my head. But what will I do when I ask her that first question:
1) Do you want to be married to me?
and she answers "no". I want that answer to be "yes" so bad I can't even stand it. Am I just delusional? Whatever happened with c happened, she can't deny it. If she does say "yes", I need to be STRONG. I need to lay down some ground rules for our future.
but if she answers "no"..
2) Do you want an active role in your daughter's life?
and she answers ...
What do I do then?
HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!!
Today is m's birthday party. To have to deal with this on what should be an amazingly happy occasion for my daughter is killing me inside. I don't know how I'm going to do this tonight. I will soldier on, somehow. Again I place my trust and hope in God to see me through these dark times.
God, help me to know the right things to say and do. Help her to see the error of her ways, help her to rededicate herself to us, help her to fall in love with me again. This is such an emotional rollercoaster. And I still want her to stay, no matter how many facts I have to face. I still love her. I still want her next to me and near me.
She is very tired she says. Just the thing a girl's game night will fix, right?
I wonder if she's just flat out losing it.
I have rehearsed our conversation a million times in my head. But what will I do when I ask her that first question:
1) Do you want to be married to me?
and she answers "no". I want that answer to be "yes" so bad I can't even stand it. Am I just delusional? Whatever happened with c happened, she can't deny it. If she does say "yes", I need to be STRONG. I need to lay down some ground rules for our future.
but if she answers "no"..
2) Do you want an active role in your daughter's life?
and she answers ...
What do I do then?
HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!!
20100930
20100930
Well, I honestly don't know how it got to this point, but I am in real danger of losing a. Things have been brewing under the surface for a few weeks, after a said she would leave if things did not improve with her and m. I agreed to go see the counselor on the premise that we would work to strengthen the relationship between them.
Well, I happened to see a phone bill and noticed that a was texting a lot and talking a lot with c. And I just kinda lost it. I took Tuesday off to go down and talk things over with my parents, and cry a bit, because I have not been able to confide in anyone really, outside the random friends I have online.
The next morning, I mistakenly confronted a about c at 6AM, as she was trying to get ready for work. I had not slept well (in fact, I have not slept well all week, and my stomach is completely wrecked), and it just bubbled over into this. It woke m up, and it ended up pretty much ruining a's day at work. To make matters worse, I sent her the following email that morning
---
From: p
Date: Wed, Sep 29, 2010 at 7:39 AM
Subject: My love
To: a
a,
I want you to know some things.
When I put your hands in mine and put the ring on your finger, I committed my life to making you happy. Simple as that. I have supported you through so many changes and transitions over the years, that I believe I can share some insights that you should think on.
You have tried many things over the years, rollerblading, softball, scrapping, fitness, smoking, etc. We have traveled. You've been through career changes. We've been in 6-7 different residences in 9 years. You wanted four kids when we got married, we ended up with one amazing, beautiful, gifted child.
Through it all, my other role has been to provide stability, and I think I have accomplished that goal.
I still want to make you happy.. your smile is my salvation. Do you think another place, another relationship, or solitude will make you happy?
You have told me that all these things have not made you happy, not even m, and that you believe you have a problem.. and if you leave, it will not be because of me, or even because of your issues with m, but because of you. Well, I have fought this reasoning, in spite of myself. Now I am forced to believe you.
This morning, when I spoke to you about these things, I think it was obvious that it had bubbled over and I was trying to get all this off my chest, and you were absolutely right, it was bad timing. I handle stress differently than you.. you carry your stress outward, lack of sleep, etc. Mine heads inward, and tears me up from within.
You have your counselor, and a support net of family and friends, including c apparently. I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone until yesterday, when I broke and spent a few hours talking with my parents.
I do *not* want you to go, but if it is your decision to walk out and leave us for greener pastures, then do what you will and cast your lot. Because of the way I handle stress, I cannot handle "I might leave". But think long and hard about it, because this is a decision unlike your transitory moves. I don't know if I will survive losing you, but I know I can't lose you twice.
I love you and remain devoted to us. Now and forever.
-p
---
This apparently had the opposite effect from what I was intending. She ended up bawling at work, and I didn't see her until almost m bedtime. She came home and wrote me a little note saying she had been and gone, and would be taking an Ambien to sleep. I found out later that she went over to her friend's house.
I guess I wanted to call her bluff, and really make her choose, hoping that she would see how much she has vested in this relationship, and choose m and me over herself. She has been increasingly selfish over the past few weeks as far as her time. I am essentially already doing everything for m, and a is going to the gym and tanning and going all these other places rather than spending time with her daughter/me. But none of that matters. I don't want to lose her. Typing it makes me realize that I am still very much in love with her, either that or it's been so long that I'm simply dependant on her, I don't know.
Yesterday afternoon she gave me the "Yes I love you, I just don't know if I'm in love with you anymore" line. So as I'm typing this, the first result from Google is http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/qt/notinlove.htm wherein it says this is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. She assured me that she was just friends with c, but I feel like she's either not telling me the whole truth or, like the article says, is going through a midlife crisis.
Yesterday, as we waited for a to come home, I pulled m over to me on the couch, and cried in her arms. I have never done this and I think it scared her a little. She asked me if adults cried, and I replied yes when they are very sad. I don't have any idea how I'm going to handle m by myself, I know I have family but it's different, day-to-day it really will just be me and her against the world.
I guess I need to steel myself for the future, whatever comes to pass. Money will be a definite issue. Mom and dad say I can just walk away from this house, although I'm not sure how viable that really is. I will need to get serious about looking after money going forward, as I want to keep m in private school at all costs, and I want to make sure we're both eating right.
Things to cut from the budget:
Gym membership (I should have cut this months ago when a switched)
Netflix membership
Showtime and/or Cable entirely
I'm sure there are other things I'll find as I start digging more into the finances, but those three are easily $100+/mo right off the top.
The time is now 6:33AM, and I have been up for a half hour. I have been woozy for a couple of days because of the stress of all this, and I have eaten practically nothing. I managed to somehow gnaw my way through a piece of toast this morning, but if this continues I'm going to get an ulcer or something.
I hate that this has come to a head literally days before her first big birthday party. She turns six, and we're having her entire class over at _. It's an expensive party for sure, but we felt like she needed a good one. I just hope it's not a send off for her mommy. My God I don't know how we got here.. I woke up so much last night that I ended up just saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers to get back to sleep. I don't know what I want God to do in this situation for me, but I want Him to know... that I know he's there, more acutely than ever, and maybe more than a happy ending, I just want the strength to endure the hardships that lie ahead.
I cannot afford to have my job situation suffer because of this. I cannot allow my body to go any further up the scale because of this.
I talked to her dad on the phone for about 45 minutes yesterday. I wanted to talk to them because I am a member of their family as well, and I felt they needed to know well in advance of any bombshells.
a got someone to cover her first class this morning, since the Ambien is still making her really shaky. I'm supposed to wake her up by about 7. f is sitting her whining, ready to go out, so I should probably put on some clothes and take care of him.
Who's going to take care of me?
Well, I happened to see a phone bill and noticed that a was texting a lot and talking a lot with c. And I just kinda lost it. I took Tuesday off to go down and talk things over with my parents, and cry a bit, because I have not been able to confide in anyone really, outside the random friends I have online.
The next morning, I mistakenly confronted a about c at 6AM, as she was trying to get ready for work. I had not slept well (in fact, I have not slept well all week, and my stomach is completely wrecked), and it just bubbled over into this. It woke m up, and it ended up pretty much ruining a's day at work. To make matters worse, I sent her the following email that morning
---
From: p
Date: Wed, Sep 29, 2010 at 7:39 AM
Subject: My love
To: a
a,
I want you to know some things.
When I put your hands in mine and put the ring on your finger, I committed my life to making you happy. Simple as that. I have supported you through so many changes and transitions over the years, that I believe I can share some insights that you should think on.
You have tried many things over the years, rollerblading, softball, scrapping, fitness, smoking, etc. We have traveled. You've been through career changes. We've been in 6-7 different residences in 9 years. You wanted four kids when we got married, we ended up with one amazing, beautiful, gifted child.
Through it all, my other role has been to provide stability, and I think I have accomplished that goal.
I still want to make you happy.. your smile is my salvation. Do you think another place, another relationship, or solitude will make you happy?
You have told me that all these things have not made you happy, not even m, and that you believe you have a problem.. and if you leave, it will not be because of me, or even because of your issues with m, but because of you. Well, I have fought this reasoning, in spite of myself. Now I am forced to believe you.
This morning, when I spoke to you about these things, I think it was obvious that it had bubbled over and I was trying to get all this off my chest, and you were absolutely right, it was bad timing. I handle stress differently than you.. you carry your stress outward, lack of sleep, etc. Mine heads inward, and tears me up from within.
You have your counselor, and a support net of family and friends, including c apparently. I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone until yesterday, when I broke and spent a few hours talking with my parents.
I do *not* want you to go, but if it is your decision to walk out and leave us for greener pastures, then do what you will and cast your lot. Because of the way I handle stress, I cannot handle "I might leave". But think long and hard about it, because this is a decision unlike your transitory moves. I don't know if I will survive losing you, but I know I can't lose you twice.
I love you and remain devoted to us. Now and forever.
-p
---
This apparently had the opposite effect from what I was intending. She ended up bawling at work, and I didn't see her until almost m bedtime. She came home and wrote me a little note saying she had been and gone, and would be taking an Ambien to sleep. I found out later that she went over to her friend's house.
I guess I wanted to call her bluff, and really make her choose, hoping that she would see how much she has vested in this relationship, and choose m and me over herself. She has been increasingly selfish over the past few weeks as far as her time. I am essentially already doing everything for m, and a is going to the gym and tanning and going all these other places rather than spending time with her daughter/me. But none of that matters. I don't want to lose her. Typing it makes me realize that I am still very much in love with her, either that or it's been so long that I'm simply dependant on her, I don't know.
Yesterday afternoon she gave me the "Yes I love you, I just don't know if I'm in love with you anymore" line. So as I'm typing this, the first result from Google is http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/qt/notinlove.htm wherein it says this is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. She assured me that she was just friends with c, but I feel like she's either not telling me the whole truth or, like the article says, is going through a midlife crisis.
Yesterday, as we waited for a to come home, I pulled m over to me on the couch, and cried in her arms. I have never done this and I think it scared her a little. She asked me if adults cried, and I replied yes when they are very sad. I don't have any idea how I'm going to handle m by myself, I know I have family but it's different, day-to-day it really will just be me and her against the world.
I guess I need to steel myself for the future, whatever comes to pass. Money will be a definite issue. Mom and dad say I can just walk away from this house, although I'm not sure how viable that really is. I will need to get serious about looking after money going forward, as I want to keep m in private school at all costs, and I want to make sure we're both eating right.
Things to cut from the budget:
Gym membership (I should have cut this months ago when a switched)
Netflix membership
Showtime and/or Cable entirely
I'm sure there are other things I'll find as I start digging more into the finances, but those three are easily $100+/mo right off the top.
The time is now 6:33AM, and I have been up for a half hour. I have been woozy for a couple of days because of the stress of all this, and I have eaten practically nothing. I managed to somehow gnaw my way through a piece of toast this morning, but if this continues I'm going to get an ulcer or something.
I hate that this has come to a head literally days before her first big birthday party. She turns six, and we're having her entire class over at _. It's an expensive party for sure, but we felt like she needed a good one. I just hope it's not a send off for her mommy. My God I don't know how we got here.. I woke up so much last night that I ended up just saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers to get back to sleep. I don't know what I want God to do in this situation for me, but I want Him to know... that I know he's there, more acutely than ever, and maybe more than a happy ending, I just want the strength to endure the hardships that lie ahead.
I cannot afford to have my job situation suffer because of this. I cannot allow my body to go any further up the scale because of this.
I talked to her dad on the phone for about 45 minutes yesterday. I wanted to talk to them because I am a member of their family as well, and I felt they needed to know well in advance of any bombshells.
a got someone to cover her first class this morning, since the Ambien is still making her really shaky. I'm supposed to wake her up by about 7. f is sitting her whining, ready to go out, so I should probably put on some clothes and take care of him.
Who's going to take care of me?
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