Category: Writing and Poetry
so it's been awhile since i checked in here. i have been working hard on getting in shape, and for those that care, my plan is very basic and consists of writing down everything i eat, biking, running, and portion control. i'm normally pretty private about this but i'm doing well enough to be proud of myself so far.
anyway, for writing down my meals i use this little osx app called voodoopad, which is a nice (free) little local wiki application, and since i'm already writing junk down for each day i've started writing other stuff in there (songs, poems, etc). i figure i'd share a few recent poems i'd written, nothing earth shattering of course, but i'm trying to get back into writing in general, and this is a bit of a small step in that direction. these three are a bit of "the good, the bad and the ugly" and it shouldn't be hard to tell which one is which. enjoy.
on motivation
an understanding from long ago
of what we'll be and who we'll know
a chance to rise against, instead
to pierce the needle with the thread
ascend my will, within myself
to spend my sum, leave nothing left
a canvas stretched past the world you see
to paint oneself with word and deed.
for knowledge beyond what most men reach
you need only listen to the autumn trees teach
of life and death, and of cutting your teeth
lessons shared daily through the petal of a leaf
stolid nobility, grace and ease
hardships weathered while tethered from seed
to truly overcome the roots you come from
life's seasons must never be the reason you succumb.
on preoccupation
caress a constant stream of inabilities
seethe on lackluster fonts of suffering
take heart in such dull effigies
seen on countless dilettantes
a morose countenance recaptured
emotional wall torn down
focused again on the terms of demise
once more defining death as life
a vain excavation of the mind
answers left waning for self-seeking questions
a struggle shared with a legion of corpses
understanding grasped to the depths
scurry the same worn out passages
a wastrel considering the hows and whys
inevitability of the unceremonious departure
a shallow whisper unto yourself: goodbye
on suspicion
confidence dissolves into mirrors behind doors
just out of sight, just out of reach
the shadows know what i cannot
perhaps it's for the best
credence unsolves the crimes uncommitted
intentions outweigh observations
blameless by association, derided by insinuation
an unkempt collage of guilt and blame
common sense evolves into hyperawareness
an ouroboros of secrets into secrets
is it just to keep me guessing
or just to keep you amused
mere suspense resolves to recompense
a restitution of your trust and mine
almost again we arrive unencumbered
until the next stab at dissonance
Currently listening :
Between Two Worlds
By I
Release date: By 14 November, 2006
20061202
20061002
20061002
20061002
breakfast: none
lunch: two chik-fil-a sandwiches, polynesian sauce, water at tiger den
dinner: philly cheesesteak (6"), some banana birthday cake, lots of water
today my daughter turned two years old! unreal.
rode 30 miles after work, great workout, it had to have hit 90 degrees today though, which sucks for october. memaw and pepaw bought dinner for us for maddie's birthday. she had a good day with mom and dad today, so that's good.
doesn't seem to have any sort of fever anymore.
just read two books to her and she's playing in her room. probably about to come in here and start a ruckus though, ashly is reading 200 pages of her fantasy book tonight.
breakfast: none
lunch: two chik-fil-a sandwiches, polynesian sauce, water at tiger den
dinner: philly cheesesteak (6"), some banana birthday cake, lots of water
today my daughter turned two years old! unreal.
rode 30 miles after work, great workout, it had to have hit 90 degrees today though, which sucks for october. memaw and pepaw bought dinner for us for maddie's birthday. she had a good day with mom and dad today, so that's good.
doesn't seem to have any sort of fever anymore.
just read two books to her and she's playing in her room. probably about to come in here and start a ruckus though, ashly is reading 200 pages of her fantasy book tonight.
20060815
20060815
breakfast: none
lunch: leftover green beans, mashed new potatoes and a turkey sandwich with water to drink
dinner: meat spaghetti with ciabatta bread, water to drink
what a long day! since my bike was left at work from yesterday (20060814), we drove maddie to school together. got to work and finished updating the iAM source code for our Attribute/BasicAttribute changes. had a horrible meeting with the scates people where walter mentioned fupload and now of course i'm all fucked again because colette wants to meet about the project next week.
ate lunch at my desk because i was a bit pissy at walter.
afternoon consisted of even more code updates to the nexus project and such. rode home, had dinner with ash and the kidlet and then went on my first bike ride since Saturday's 35 miler (20060812) and it was great. temps finally back below 90, went out past evergreen in midtown and then back home. it's late now, bout to head to bed.
lunch: leftover green beans, mashed new potatoes and a turkey sandwich with water to drink
dinner: meat spaghetti with ciabatta bread, water to drink
what a long day! since my bike was left at work from yesterday (20060814), we drove maddie to school together. got to work and finished updating the iAM source code for our Attribute/BasicAttribute changes. had a horrible meeting with the scates people where walter mentioned fupload and now of course i'm all fucked again because colette wants to meet about the project next week.
ate lunch at my desk because i was a bit pissy at walter.
afternoon consisted of even more code updates to the nexus project and such. rode home, had dinner with ash and the kidlet and then went on my first bike ride since Saturday's 35 miler (20060812) and it was great. temps finally back below 90, went out past evergreen in midtown and then back home. it's late now, bout to head to bed.
20060814
20060814
breakfast: none
lunch: rp tracks, bbq tofu sandwich with cole slaw and (unfortunately) french fries, water to drink
dinner: sesame chicken, sushi, water
dessert: two peanut butter cups, maybe some cereal (haven't decided yet)
did a bunch of coding today at work and took ashly to the eye doctor to have her eyes dilated. walked around shelby farms with maddie for a bit but it was like 102 degrees so we ended up driving around more of the time. watching treasure hunters now on nbc, ashly is in love with this show (and i like it too). it's just like the movie national treasure, which i'm sure we'll be watching soon. gotta go help put away maddie's books, heh.
lunch: rp tracks, bbq tofu sandwich with cole slaw and (unfortunately) french fries, water to drink
dinner: sesame chicken, sushi, water
dessert: two peanut butter cups, maybe some cereal (haven't decided yet)
did a bunch of coding today at work and took ashly to the eye doctor to have her eyes dilated. walked around shelby farms with maddie for a bit but it was like 102 degrees so we ended up driving around more of the time. watching treasure hunters now on nbc, ashly is in love with this show (and i like it too). it's just like the movie national treasure, which i'm sure we'll be watching soon. gotta go help put away maddie's books, heh.
20060813
20060813
breakfast: cereal
lunch: macallister's chicken caesar salad (it was okay i guess)
dinner:
reading through larry brown's book "father and son". went on a family bike ride this morning. everyone slept late, and this afternoon they took a huge nap. it's 5pm now and the baby still isn't up, ashly is talking to sarah on the phone. went twice today, i dunno what's gotten into me. gonna go read some more of this book, it's insane but it's pretty good.
lunch: macallister's chicken caesar salad (it was okay i guess)
dinner:
reading through larry brown's book "father and son". went on a family bike ride this morning. everyone slept late, and this afternoon they took a huge nap. it's 5pm now and the baby still isn't up, ashly is talking to sarah on the phone. went twice today, i dunno what's gotten into me. gonna go read some more of this book, it's insane but it's pretty good.
20060812
20060812
breakfast: none really, gatorade and stuff
lunch: lenny's club and half of a chicken philly
dinner: some chicken nuggets and a salad shell
what can i say about today. i rode 35 miles on a bike. with mac. it was so much fun. i think i got a bit dehydrated, felt kinda bad, but i still managed to mow the front yard go on a walk and such. oh and we had some lovin' last night! ;)
did the MS150 training ride, started at bikes plus in germantown and rode to piperton. i really, truly believe that i've finally found the way to get my weight under control. as long as my eating doesn't short circuit it. felt kinda dehydrated afterwards, i'm gonna need to work on that, but what an incedible ride!@#
http://memphishightailers.clubexpress.com
Rock-N-Roll MS150 Training Ride
When:
Saturday, Aug 12, 2006, 7:00 AM to 1:30 PM
Where:
Bikes Plus--Germantown
9445 Poplar Avenue
Germantown, TN
Ride along with Team Hightailer in this training ride for the Rock-n-Roll MS150. The ride is being sponsored by the Mid South Chapter of the Multiple Sclerosis Society. Mileage options include routes of approximately 35 and 60 miles. The cost is $10 for this fully supported ride, but this will be reduced to $5 if you bring an unregistered rider who registers for the MS150. Registration will begin at 7:00 a.m. at Bikes Plus, 9445 Poplar Avenue, Germantown, TN. Bike Plus telephone 901.755.7233. The ride will roll out at 7:30.
lunch: lenny's club and half of a chicken philly
dinner: some chicken nuggets and a salad shell
what can i say about today. i rode 35 miles on a bike. with mac. it was so much fun. i think i got a bit dehydrated, felt kinda bad, but i still managed to mow the front yard go on a walk and such. oh and we had some lovin' last night! ;)
did the MS150 training ride, started at bikes plus in germantown and rode to piperton. i really, truly believe that i've finally found the way to get my weight under control. as long as my eating doesn't short circuit it. felt kinda dehydrated afterwards, i'm gonna need to work on that, but what an incedible ride!@#
http://memphishightailers.clubexpress.com
Rock-N-Roll MS150 Training Ride
When:
Saturday, Aug 12, 2006, 7:00 AM to 1:30 PM
Where:
Bikes Plus--Germantown
9445 Poplar Avenue
Germantown, TN
Ride along with Team Hightailer in this training ride for the Rock-n-Roll MS150. The ride is being sponsored by the Mid South Chapter of the Multiple Sclerosis Society. Mileage options include routes of approximately 35 and 60 miles. The cost is $10 for this fully supported ride, but this will be reduced to $5 if you bring an unregistered rider who registers for the MS150. Registration will begin at 7:00 a.m. at Bikes Plus, 9445 Poplar Avenue, Germantown, TN. Bike Plus telephone 901.755.7233. The ride will roll out at 7:30.
20060811
20060811
breakfast: none
lunch: tiger den, pork fried rice with broccoli and mixed veggies, water to drink
dinner: chicken burrito at costa vida, shared a coke
no one in memphis has the slick mtb tires i want (bontrager hank). mac got the last set! i guess i'm still gonna ride tomorrow morning, but i'm kinda harumph on it. hope everything is okay; if i die, at least i'll die doing something i truly love.
lunch: tiger den, pork fried rice with broccoli and mixed veggies, water to drink
dinner: chicken burrito at costa vida, shared a coke
no one in memphis has the slick mtb tires i want (bontrager hank). mac got the last set! i guess i'm still gonna ride tomorrow morning, but i'm kinda harumph on it. hope everything is okay; if i die, at least i'll die doing something i truly love.
20060810
20060810
breakfast: none
lunch: mac & cheese + hotdog
dinner: shepherd's pie
dessert: rice chex + pb + wayuls
lunch: mac & cheese + hotdog
dinner: shepherd's pie
dessert: rice chex + pb + wayuls
20060809
20060809
breakfast: none
lunch: payne's bbq, sliced pork sandwich with cole slaw and beans, and a couple of ribs from a shared half slab
dinner: leftover rice + sesame chicken sauce, chicken nuggets
payne's is walter's favorite bbq joint. it's on lamar right north of southern, which is in the hood. the food was okay i suppose. went to peddler afterwards, found some nice slick tires for my bike which i really want. went over to vince and kristen's this afternoon with maddie to give them their fixed pc and help transfer stuff from old to new. ashly acted like she wanted sex and then proceeded to not move at all as i tried to kiss her. eventually i said fuckit and went to sleep. i wish she'd come on to me occasionally, i dunno what her deal is, maybe she'll figure herself out one of these days. she had a choice to work for desoto county alternate schools as a long term sub instead of going back to school today. even though she'd work for mr. baird, she decided going back to school was a better deal. i'm inclined to agree. i just hope she can find something that makes money for the fall, it's going to be really tough otherwise.
lunch: payne's bbq, sliced pork sandwich with cole slaw and beans, and a couple of ribs from a shared half slab
dinner: leftover rice + sesame chicken sauce, chicken nuggets
payne's is walter's favorite bbq joint. it's on lamar right north of southern, which is in the hood. the food was okay i suppose. went to peddler afterwards, found some nice slick tires for my bike which i really want. went over to vince and kristen's this afternoon with maddie to give them their fixed pc and help transfer stuff from old to new. ashly acted like she wanted sex and then proceeded to not move at all as i tried to kiss her. eventually i said fuckit and went to sleep. i wish she'd come on to me occasionally, i dunno what her deal is, maybe she'll figure herself out one of these days. she had a choice to work for desoto county alternate schools as a long term sub instead of going back to school today. even though she'd work for mr. baird, she decided going back to school was a better deal. i'm inclined to agree. i just hope she can find something that makes money for the fall, it's going to be really tough otherwise.
20060808
20060808
breakfast: none
lunch: costa vida, the new place across from our house, had a shredded chicken salad (it was good!), had a little coke
dinner: ashly cooked chicken nuggets and mixed vegetables
dessert: cereal (honey nut cheerios and rice chex with a little peanut butter, shared it with maddie)
the shower was stopped up this morning, presumably from the baby taking a dump in the tub last night. i got upset at everyone generally in the morning and went off since i basically had to take a quick shower because shit ended up coming up out of the shower drain (fun!). had a bad day at work, kinda went off on walter and everyone else who had the misfortune to talk to me. rode home for lunch, it was a little better, we made up and had a really good lunch at the new mexican place across poplar from our house (we walked with the baby).
afternoon was a little better. rode home and had dinner, then went on a long ride. talked to carl on the cell for about half of the way back; he is screwed up in the head a bit. he apparently thought i wanted a bike riding partner, i really just wanted to see him and see the new parish he's at on jackson. i dunno, sometimes it seems like my family are all generally crazy. called vince to tell him his pc was fixed and ready to go, i'll probably take it over to him tomorrow. maddie puked tonight as we tried to put her in her crib, it's a total defense mechanism... we tried to be calm but honestly how calm can you be cleaning up vomit on the child's rug? heh.
ashly is in bed writing in her diary and the mummy is on tv, i just took some benedryl and putting some neosporin on these damned spots on my legs. i hope i heal up soon, this is getting a bit ridiculous.
lunch: costa vida, the new place across from our house, had a shredded chicken salad (it was good!), had a little coke
dinner: ashly cooked chicken nuggets and mixed vegetables
dessert: cereal (honey nut cheerios and rice chex with a little peanut butter, shared it with maddie)
the shower was stopped up this morning, presumably from the baby taking a dump in the tub last night. i got upset at everyone generally in the morning and went off since i basically had to take a quick shower because shit ended up coming up out of the shower drain (fun!). had a bad day at work, kinda went off on walter and everyone else who had the misfortune to talk to me. rode home for lunch, it was a little better, we made up and had a really good lunch at the new mexican place across poplar from our house (we walked with the baby).
afternoon was a little better. rode home and had dinner, then went on a long ride. talked to carl on the cell for about half of the way back; he is screwed up in the head a bit. he apparently thought i wanted a bike riding partner, i really just wanted to see him and see the new parish he's at on jackson. i dunno, sometimes it seems like my family are all generally crazy. called vince to tell him his pc was fixed and ready to go, i'll probably take it over to him tomorrow. maddie puked tonight as we tried to put her in her crib, it's a total defense mechanism... we tried to be calm but honestly how calm can you be cleaning up vomit on the child's rug? heh.
ashly is in bed writing in her diary and the mummy is on tv, i just took some benedryl and putting some neosporin on these damned spots on my legs. i hope i heal up soon, this is getting a bit ridiculous.
20060807
20060807
breakfast: none
lunch: pb&j, half of a peanut satay nasty box meal
dinner: a-tan (sesame chicken)
she mailed him on myspace on saturday as i rode. after all that shit on friday, she fucking mailed him again. she doesn't take me seriously. i tried to make her understand how important this is to me. only time will tell.
lunch: pb&j, half of a peanut satay nasty box meal
dinner: a-tan (sesame chicken)
she mailed him on myspace on saturday as i rode. after all that shit on friday, she fucking mailed him again. she doesn't take me seriously. i tried to make her understand how important this is to me. only time will tell.
20060806
20060806
breakfast: bowl of cereal (shared with maddie)
lunch: turkey+cheese sandwich
dinner: crab-stuffed shrimp + twice baked potatoes at the pier
pepaw's 76th birthday dinner at the pier. fixed my first flat (back tire). went riding with wife and baby tonight, it was nice (but hot).
lunch: turkey+cheese sandwich
dinner: crab-stuffed shrimp + twice baked potatoes at the pier
pepaw's 76th birthday dinner at the pier. fixed my first flat (back tire). went riding with wife and baby tonight, it was nice (but hot).
20060805
20060805
breakfast: pb&j
lunch: leftovers (coop deville grilled chicken salad and some of the pasta leftovers as well)
dinner: olive garden with mom & dad, had beef brisket with mushrooms and cheese tortelloni (yum)
biked almost 30 miles today i think. went with walter and m.e. out to mud island and back. it was so much fun, very exerting but fun.
had a flat tire on poplar 100 feet from the house (thank god, how lucky am i?) then we went to go see talladega nights. funny movie,
insane at times and over the top, heh... got a replacement tube at the peddler and then went on to dinner in southaven at the
olive garden. the wait was terrible, but the food was scrumptuous :) baby went down at like 9:30 and i just finished moving her to the crib. ashly is already in bed. i'm itching terribly, i have this shit on my leg that refuses to heal and other little offspring spots now. took some benedryl, i'm assuming i'll crash when it hits me.
lunch: leftovers (coop deville grilled chicken salad and some of the pasta leftovers as well)
dinner: olive garden with mom & dad, had beef brisket with mushrooms and cheese tortelloni (yum)
biked almost 30 miles today i think. went with walter and m.e. out to mud island and back. it was so much fun, very exerting but fun.
had a flat tire on poplar 100 feet from the house (thank god, how lucky am i?) then we went to go see talladega nights. funny movie,
insane at times and over the top, heh... got a replacement tube at the peddler and then went on to dinner in southaven at the
olive garden. the wait was terrible, but the food was scrumptuous :) baby went down at like 9:30 and i just finished moving her to the crib. ashly is already in bed. i'm itching terribly, i have this shit on my leg that refuses to heal and other little offspring spots now. took some benedryl, i'm assuming i'll crash when it hits me.
20060804
20060804
breakfast: none
lunch: chicken taco salad @ el porton (courtesy of walter), too many tortilla chips, unsweet tea
dinner: coop de'ville grilled chicken salad and some lemon pepper chicken wings, diet coke
drinks: stoli blueberi and captain & coke
work was painful today. jeff is going on his black ops vacation next week (we think he's interviewing for a position elsewhere), and ed is still prodding me on a daily basis for an update for ferpa, when it's not my project at all. we had our registry meeting and are making some good process, all in all an extremely busy day. i managed to get out of taking and picking up the baby somehow in the ruckus. when i got home, we immediately headed out and drove down to oxford. walked around the square for a bit as we waited for our coop (maddie really enjoyed the fountain behind the visitor's center, or as she called it, the (water)"fall"), then headed out to the grove to eat. i got some mosquito bites on my already-battered legs and dave called her cell right as we were beginning our meal. oh and most importantly, maddie ate something (i think it may have been bird shit) and immediately starting puking up everything she'd eaten in the last three hours. we wiped her off and gave her some water, but at that point i was so pissed about the dave call, her puking, and the itching of my legs that i was ready to leave. i kinda let ashly have it on the way back for not finishing this shit, and she said "i'll take care of it", but she admitted to me that they'd talked last week. we came back to olive branch and dropped the baby off with mom & dad. they seemed to be doing well, although maddie was kinda whiny and probably tired from her ordeal.
drove back to memphis, getting gas, liquor, and coke along the way. got to the place, checked on email from meta (none), watched the closer, got drunk, and proceeded to actually have sex. it's now two in the morning and i'm still up. in all honesty though, liquor always does this kinda shit to me. looking for my water, as soon as i find it i'm heading to bed. there is the possibility of some long bike rides tomorrow and we're going to see "talladega nights" the new will ferrell movie. then on to olive garden in southaven to dine with parents and retrieve the munchkin.
adios me.
lunch: chicken taco salad @ el porton (courtesy of walter), too many tortilla chips, unsweet tea
dinner: coop de'ville grilled chicken salad and some lemon pepper chicken wings, diet coke
drinks: stoli blueberi and captain & coke
work was painful today. jeff is going on his black ops vacation next week (we think he's interviewing for a position elsewhere), and ed is still prodding me on a daily basis for an update for ferpa, when it's not my project at all. we had our registry meeting and are making some good process, all in all an extremely busy day. i managed to get out of taking and picking up the baby somehow in the ruckus. when i got home, we immediately headed out and drove down to oxford. walked around the square for a bit as we waited for our coop (maddie really enjoyed the fountain behind the visitor's center, or as she called it, the (water)"fall"), then headed out to the grove to eat. i got some mosquito bites on my already-battered legs and dave called her cell right as we were beginning our meal. oh and most importantly, maddie ate something (i think it may have been bird shit) and immediately starting puking up everything she'd eaten in the last three hours. we wiped her off and gave her some water, but at that point i was so pissed about the dave call, her puking, and the itching of my legs that i was ready to leave. i kinda let ashly have it on the way back for not finishing this shit, and she said "i'll take care of it", but she admitted to me that they'd talked last week. we came back to olive branch and dropped the baby off with mom & dad. they seemed to be doing well, although maddie was kinda whiny and probably tired from her ordeal.
drove back to memphis, getting gas, liquor, and coke along the way. got to the place, checked on email from meta (none), watched the closer, got drunk, and proceeded to actually have sex. it's now two in the morning and i'm still up. in all honesty though, liquor always does this kinda shit to me. looking for my water, as soon as i find it i'm heading to bed. there is the possibility of some long bike rides tomorrow and we're going to see "talladega nights" the new will ferrell movie. then on to olive garden in southaven to dine with parents and retrieve the munchkin.
adios me.
20060803
20060803
breakfast: none
lunch: gyro + pasta salad @ rp tracks (groan)
dinner: pasta + chicken + mushroom specialty (per ashly's request :)
dessert: honey nut cheerios
almost went to the doc this morning, till i found out that baptist minor med is not in my network... i have this shit on my leg that may or may not be a spider bite, but it looks to be getting better now so fuckit. i rode my butt off last night and felt great, kind of a fever for a little bit after lunch today but i think i'll be okay. if not, fuckit. ashly went to a play with her old southaven high school work buddy, april (http://www.iammyownwife.com). whhaaaaatever, heh. anyway, maddie flynn and me went on a walk down to mac's house, it was really hot outside but nice to get out there regardless. it's now a little after 9 and she's (reluctantly) asleep in her crib. enjoying my honey nut cheerios (godly) and awaiting my wife's return. sex tonight? doubtful as always :(
lunch: gyro + pasta salad @ rp tracks (groan)
dinner: pasta + chicken + mushroom specialty (per ashly's request :)
dessert: honey nut cheerios
almost went to the doc this morning, till i found out that baptist minor med is not in my network... i have this shit on my leg that may or may not be a spider bite, but it looks to be getting better now so fuckit. i rode my butt off last night and felt great, kind of a fever for a little bit after lunch today but i think i'll be okay. if not, fuckit. ashly went to a play with her old southaven high school work buddy, april (http://www.iammyownwife.com). whhaaaaatever, heh. anyway, maddie flynn and me went on a walk down to mac's house, it was really hot outside but nice to get out there regardless. it's now a little after 9 and she's (reluctantly) asleep in her crib. enjoying my honey nut cheerios (godly) and awaiting my wife's return. sex tonight? doubtful as always :(
20060802
20060802
breakfast: none
lunch: veggie burrito + salad @ rp tracks
dinner: beef brisket + marinated mushrooms + mashed new potatoes (yum!)
dessert: honey nut cheerios (jesus these things are awesome)
went on a long ride tonight! all the way to carl's parish on jackson, although he wasn't there. met dennis, the seminarian, seemed nice enough. kind of a nasty neighborhood, though, that sucked. it's like super nice until a half block south of jackson and then its ghetto. my leg is very very nasty looking, i'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning for sure. clayton told me he thought it might be a spider bite and of course i've been freaking out all day, heh. ashly seems okay today, she's over on the chair and a half reading her book. maddie had a good day at school, i took her in this morning and just held her in the bathroom for what seemed like an hour to try and calm her down. oh well, back to south park.
lunch: veggie burrito + salad @ rp tracks
dinner: beef brisket + marinated mushrooms + mashed new potatoes (yum!)
dessert: honey nut cheerios (jesus these things are awesome)
went on a long ride tonight! all the way to carl's parish on jackson, although he wasn't there. met dennis, the seminarian, seemed nice enough. kind of a nasty neighborhood, though, that sucked. it's like super nice until a half block south of jackson and then its ghetto. my leg is very very nasty looking, i'm going to the doctor tomorrow morning for sure. clayton told me he thought it might be a spider bite and of course i've been freaking out all day, heh. ashly seems okay today, she's over on the chair and a half reading her book. maddie had a good day at school, i took her in this morning and just held her in the bathroom for what seemed like an hour to try and calm her down. oh well, back to south park.
20060801
20060801
breakfast: none
lunch: came home, had a turkey sandwich, as well as a bowl of rice chex + blueberries
dinner: had a burger at the poplar-highland national night out against crime thing down the street, then a hot dog
dessert: ice cream sandwich
today i was a windows admin. i was forced to work against my will with michelle belton (michael bolton) for longer than was physically or emotionally comfortable. in the end, i figured out a way to fix the group permissions and push them out to the coursegroups in a script. hooray. then i played quake3 and lost twice to mac. sound was buggy the whole time so i feel a little vindicated. it was 10-8 in the second match too, so i'm getting a bit better possibly. maddie stayed home with ash today and they went on a walk in the morning. she seems like she's back on her schedule, which is good, although she's taken to almost puking when we try to put her down at night. i'm really pleased that she's going down in her crib though again. we still do need to pick up a mattress but maybe we can put that off a few weeks (shrug). i dunno if we're gonna be short this month, but it's definitely going to be close. i really enjoyed coming up with some songs yesterday, wrote a little instrumental thing and something for ashly, hope she likes it when i'm done. it's tough not having wow at night but i'm trying to reach out and get back into music/writing. i never even listened to music for the past six months, i was so totally consumed with wow. what a horrible addiction. and i still feel like i'm one credit card number away from slipping back into it. i haven't ridden my bike (not counting work trips) in three days and it sucks so bad.
lunch: came home, had a turkey sandwich, as well as a bowl of rice chex + blueberries
dinner: had a burger at the poplar-highland national night out against crime thing down the street, then a hot dog
dessert: ice cream sandwich
today i was a windows admin. i was forced to work against my will with michelle belton (michael bolton) for longer than was physically or emotionally comfortable. in the end, i figured out a way to fix the group permissions and push them out to the coursegroups in a script. hooray. then i played quake3 and lost twice to mac. sound was buggy the whole time so i feel a little vindicated. it was 10-8 in the second match too, so i'm getting a bit better possibly. maddie stayed home with ash today and they went on a walk in the morning. she seems like she's back on her schedule, which is good, although she's taken to almost puking when we try to put her down at night. i'm really pleased that she's going down in her crib though again. we still do need to pick up a mattress but maybe we can put that off a few weeks (shrug). i dunno if we're gonna be short this month, but it's definitely going to be close. i really enjoyed coming up with some songs yesterday, wrote a little instrumental thing and something for ashly, hope she likes it when i'm done. it's tough not having wow at night but i'm trying to reach out and get back into music/writing. i never even listened to music for the past six months, i was so totally consumed with wow. what a horrible addiction. and i still feel like i'm one credit card number away from slipping back into it. i haven't ridden my bike (not counting work trips) in three days and it sucks so bad.
20060714
20060714
no breakfast
lunch: leftovers (chicken couscous and linguini w/turkey)
dinner: crawfish poboy and fries at bayou bar & grill
(marc broussard show)
it was at least a 100 degrees inside, broussard even did "it's hot in herre" poking fun at it. had a great time. he did
that stevie wonder song "you haven't done nooooothing", i think i may have been the only person in the building besides him
who knew the words, but it was cool ;) a was sweating like crazy too, its now after midnight and i'm screwed up because
i got a nap in at like 7pm. having a single piece of bread with nutella and peanut butter (yummy!).
our postoffice server is jacked up, had a bit of a tizzy with a this afternoon because i made the mistake of telling her
i would be leaving by 4pm. ed kept coming in checking on the service, and i eventually didn't leave till after 5, and even
then only after she called while i was talking to ed. we kinda smoothed things over, but she pretty much went off on me.
then she admitted she was on her period, i felt a little better but it was still a bit tenuous driving m down to mom's.
dad gave her a hug, i was surprised at that.
drinking m's milk right now, organic whole stuff a got at wild oats, good lord is it tasty, hehe. dog's out on the
couch, a is on the dell doing god knows what on myspace, and i'm waiting for the tiredness to kick back in.
playing the stevie wonder song now, wondering what a will do ;)
lunch: leftovers (chicken couscous and linguini w/turkey)
dinner: crawfish poboy and fries at bayou bar & grill
(marc broussard show)
it was at least a 100 degrees inside, broussard even did "it's hot in herre" poking fun at it. had a great time. he did
that stevie wonder song "you haven't done nooooothing", i think i may have been the only person in the building besides him
who knew the words, but it was cool ;) a was sweating like crazy too, its now after midnight and i'm screwed up because
i got a nap in at like 7pm. having a single piece of bread with nutella and peanut butter (yummy!).
our postoffice server is jacked up, had a bit of a tizzy with a this afternoon because i made the mistake of telling her
i would be leaving by 4pm. ed kept coming in checking on the service, and i eventually didn't leave till after 5, and even
then only after she called while i was talking to ed. we kinda smoothed things over, but she pretty much went off on me.
then she admitted she was on her period, i felt a little better but it was still a bit tenuous driving m down to mom's.
dad gave her a hug, i was surprised at that.
drinking m's milk right now, organic whole stuff a got at wild oats, good lord is it tasty, hehe. dog's out on the
couch, a is on the dell doing god knows what on myspace, and i'm waiting for the tiredness to kick back in.
playing the stevie wonder song now, wondering what a will do ;)
20060708
20060708
20060708 - diary
here it is 1pm in the afternoon. we woke up, went riding, went out to look for matresses for m and had arby's for lunch.
she's mentioned having other kids to me today, which to me means she's looking at least a little towards our future. while i
was getting the baby inside, she checked her cell for messages and apparently didn't have any, so that's a good thing. also
a good thing that she decided to turn the phone off and take a nap. the baby is sleeping too, but im just up, a bit bored,
ircing... she's still a bit strange towards me, and isn't as open as i'd like. i even get a little jittery and nervous talking
around her, like we're still dating and i'm still trying to impress or feel her out. i guess that's just my nerves trying
to compensate for the past few months. getting a big glass of water, back in a sec.
we had a great time yesterday at pirates, and really enjoyed kiss kiss bang bang as well.. i think im gonna paste some reviews
on myspace while they sleep. life is better i suppose these days. until the next cell phone call.
here it is 1pm in the afternoon. we woke up, went riding, went out to look for matresses for m and had arby's for lunch.
she's mentioned having other kids to me today, which to me means she's looking at least a little towards our future. while i
was getting the baby inside, she checked her cell for messages and apparently didn't have any, so that's a good thing. also
a good thing that she decided to turn the phone off and take a nap. the baby is sleeping too, but im just up, a bit bored,
ircing... she's still a bit strange towards me, and isn't as open as i'd like. i even get a little jittery and nervous talking
around her, like we're still dating and i'm still trying to impress or feel her out. i guess that's just my nerves trying
to compensate for the past few months. getting a big glass of water, back in a sec.
we had a great time yesterday at pirates, and really enjoyed kiss kiss bang bang as well.. i think im gonna paste some reviews
on myspace while they sleep. life is better i suppose these days. until the next cell phone call.
20060707
20060707-2
20060707-diary
so it's been a month since i decided to reclaim my life, but i'm still torn right now. i'm not sure if it's because i am
constantly wondering what's going on in ashly's head, or if it's the fact that i'm still attracted to her after all these years
and am unsure she wants me, or the simple dejection i feel when i attempt to communicate something to her and get a dismissive
"you're strange" look with no feedback. actually, that's bullshit, i know exactly why i'm like this. i have these reflections
to keep me company these days:
---
a wrote:
So the thing I got at VS is only a bra, but should i get something a little more naughty? I hate to spend lots of time picking out something I'll only wear for a few minutes, and which might get "damaged" anyway. ;) But maybe it will make a repeat performance when I'm up north?
...
well, for one you think it 'might' get damaged. HA- sweetheart, that thing will be torn off your body w/in a matter of seconds, so i'll reimburse you for what you spent, and while you're at it, i'd go out and get the matching bottoms so i can destroy them as well. (and you think you're revved up?)
that's my wife. of almost five years. just "talking shit"...
---
a wrote:
I think I know why you said "nothing happened" the way you did, but we both know that it wasn't "nothing".
I know I'm taking a risk on my marriage by staying close to you. I don't want you to feel bad about that, and I don't want to feel bad about that. I wish--- well, it doesn't matter. The important thing is, we got to spend time together, which was wonderful but not nearly enough. I miss you already and hope to see you again.
That said, if I seem down or in a sad/bad mood but can't talk about it at the time, be patient. There are probably reasons why, and I will tell you in my own time. Just know that you are not the cause of my unhappiness-- not anywhere near it.
how am i supposed to deal with these emotions? this is the kind of stuff that drives people insane. after going through
this immense pile of bullshit that my wife has been lobbing towards this guy behind my back, i have come to question my own
ability to keep quiet. what kills me is that if i actually were to "grow a pair" as she puts it and call her on all this,
she might say i've been spying and want a separation because of it. i hope our marriage is worth more than that.
truth be told, i WAS oblivious during this period before the reunion, and that's my fault, but i wasn't having an emotional(/real?)
affair with anyone. she doesn't take me seriously here. i give her hints here and there to let her know i have some inkling
what went on, but she acts so carefree that i now
-- oh hold on a second --
On 5/25/06, a wrote:
Can I say "love ya" without it being too big a deal?
I know how hard it is to deal with work when there are much more important things at hand. I hope you get out at a decent time.
more kisses:)
i've thought about it myself. funny you brought it up. i have absolutely no problem w/ it b/c 'love' is such a loaded word w/ so many different meanings, and i feel that the bond we've formed over the past month or so definitely merits the both of us to speak our feelings.
From: Ashly Hood Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: david zone
Date: May 31, 2006 9:05 AM
Subject: Re: getting together
I LOVE YOU!!!! You are so sweet, I could just kiss you (which I will, in 22 days!). . .
so every time i tell ashly that i love her, and i get a response, is there anything authentic there? or is it simply
a "loaded" word used to offset my feelings, keep me at bay and continue this facade. i want so badly for it to be real,
want her smiles to resonate with the same purpose and affection which i took for granted for years. are they real?
---
On 5/23/06, david zone wrote:
i'll give you a call if and when i can escape for some sort of lunch. That's great to hear you're coming up this way. we are definitely getting together when you do cum <-- oops, i think i spelled that wrong? (naughty me) Ashly Hood < maddiesmama25@gmail.com > wrote:
I am having a heat flash right now...
I don't mind the talk. Been a long time since I've heard it and honey, I can go all night, too.
From: Ashly Hood
To: david zone
Date: May 29, 2006 5:44 PM
Subject: Long weekend>;)
Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Delete this message | Show original | Message text garbled?
So I'm glad you had a good weekend, I know you needed to blow off a little steam and have some fun.... I missed talking to you though, for sure!
Now, I guess you need a massage to get rid of all those tight muscles from dancing, huh? And a few well-placed kisses to start out the massage. Maybe a little music, some more slow kisses... just tell me where you need them the most and I'll be happy to "help you out".
Hope that gets you started. I'll talk to you soon, have a great night and a great week. mmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh-
baby girl
xxxxx
I had the best dream last night. . . and if you're half as good a kisser in real life as you were in that dream, I don't know if I can wait three more weeks to see you!
thank you for the email. Unfortunately, i didn't get it until this morning, so......... (now specific parts of my body are crying for attention), but i'll live....for now??
Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be able to take care of everything when we see each other. Only 23 days 'til I get to FL! Can you wait that long? ;)
yeah this guy is a real class act. more "talking shit", dismiss it out of hand, right? i can't do that any more. i would love to be
more intimate, maybe my body is the obstacle there, but who knows... is my wife simply tired of me? if i could write the words or
fix my body to solve that situation, i would. i could write thousands of songs about it, cry my eyes out pleading with her, tattoo
it on my body, run up the cc balances on everything she's ever wanted; fact is, what's happened here is not tantamount to me
obsessively playing a video game. i have come to realize that i alone cannot mend this in my head. looking at her myspace page at
some other man's picture, no mention of me on the whole thing other than the single word "Married." she has really hurt me, but you
know what? i WILL NOT leave her. not because of obligation, not because of madeline (although she's reason enough!), but
-- one more sec --
Ashly Hood < maddiesmama25@gmail.com > wrote:
Anyway, about talking-- you aren't making it difficult. My life is already difficult and pretty much a mess. Patrick and I have been having problems for a loooooong time. I don't know why he hasn't left me; I'm not going to win any "World's Best Wife" awards, that's for sure. It's like I mentioned awhile back-- we got together so quickly, we thought we had all these things in common but we just. . . don't. I guess he thinks I'm going to leave him for you (or because of you, or because of nothing, I don't know!) and that's why he gets upset.
I get upset because our relationship is incredibly important to me, moreso than ever. i'm not asking for the world's best wife,
i'm asking for the same thing i've been asking for since our first night together in oxford. i'm asking for ashly.
why haven't i left her? because love never leaves. because i guess i've always been a bit of an escape artist, and i
oversimplify, and in my world the good guy wins in the end. here i am, working a normal job, trying to be a good dad (and
succeeding leaps and bounds above other men), and dealing with her lashing out at the baby, the dog, and myself, balancing
money issues poorly, but i've always thought our relationship, since it involved me, would just end up "working out" (as arrogant as
that sounds). goddamnit i want it to work out, but all this bullshit needs to come out into the open. the guy still calls every
day, and why not, when he's received this kind of attention for months. of course i accept some blame there, i have neglected her
to a point, but have i persued anyone like this? did i have dates or make plans or "talk shit" or carry on any of that garbage
behind anyone's back? no. she rarely wants to make love and goes and buys victoria's secret for this guy and then
pawns it off like it's for me when i ask. is she so naive to think that i wouldn't ask? that i wouldn't know? i live in
my own world sometimes, but i am one of the more observant people around and when my wife mysteriously rediscovers her libido
i notice.
Ashly Hood wrote:
Remember that scrapbook thing in Boston that I told you about? Well I've been given the go-ahead to go, so now all I need to do is get registered. It's in August. I'll have to go to the classes a little bit, but maybe you could drive up that weekend and I can ditch a few of the classes to "hang out"? It's still three months away but I wanted to let you know that I'm planning on coming.
I'll talk to you later on today, call me if you get a chance. muah!
BG
so do i still have this on my mind? of course. even the facade of jay and jayce's wedding trip was a ruse. she marks his
birthday in her calendar on par with our daughter's birthday and puts nothing for me. yes, that's simple childish jealousy, true,
but this is the woman i stood on the altar with and declared my love for, and got the same back from her.. then decides to
use someone else's wedding as an opportunity to "hook up" or "hang out" outside of ours, enticing the guy to come
down to florida for his birthday because it's the same weekend as the wedding and she'll be there (as she puts it) "alone.".
am i overreacting?
she wants to risk her marriage by talking to this guy, well i guess it's time for me to risk it by bringing all this
out into the open. i want her, but only if the truth and the trust that we built our relationship on is still there. only if
when i tell her "i love you", i get something truthful, tangible and wonderful back. for my own sanity's sake, i need to present
this to her. i'm not trying to make her feel like a bad person, but i wonder if she realizes how i truly feel. hurt.
hurt so bad that i haven't felt in years, hurt like the stones tossed at me when i was in elementary school. hurt like the
insults and pain tossed at me in high school. is this my rebirth? i've been living in this shell of insecurity for so long,
and just when i thought i'd conquered it, put it to rest by finding the love of my life, it is tested once again. by sheer will
i must again take the reigns of my life back under control, even though in my heart of hearts i again fear the REJECTION i
have been so mortally wounded by for decades. i cry tonight. i cry for all the anguish and pain and suffering that i have
gone through to reach this point. and it is with insufferable resolve that i must again choose, not between eating, or playing
the saxophone, or going to church, or playing video games. tonight, or very soon, i must choose whether or not to risk
the love and lifelong companionship of another soul, the one person dearest to my heart and the one which i fear losing above all
else, even my parents.
i saw my grandparents taken away from me so early on, and i stood in the pews during the whole passion at easter simply because
i'd heard every time someone does that a soul goes to heaven. i repeated this for years, wanting nothing else than to have
been some sort of martyr for those i loved. i have dreaded my parents being taken from me, and that is something i cannot control.
now i have two lives here with me that i value and cherish more than any other, and their love, presence, and understanding is also
something i cannot control, but i can choose. i can choose to bring light upon these issues and seek the truth. its so
cliche, it may indeed set me free, but as i cry and type, i cannot help thinking that ashly may only read it and want
to be free of me. dear god i love her so much. but i have to be honest with myself, and she must be honest with herself. if
she's happier rid of me, then she should be rid of me. if some other person can do with ease what i would strive with all my
might and wisdom to accomplish, it only reinforces my doubt. i don't want an apology, i don't want promises, i just want ashly.
if she's with me, i must bring these facts to bear, and she must admit to the wrongdoing and stop the "guy friend" facade.
you can't have it both ways. and i won't stand for a situation where the person who's trespassed on our marriage is allowed
to continue loitering. it's untenable.
i can only hope that both of us can talk on the same footing. i know what i want... it's time for her to decide what she wants.
even if it's not me. i want her to decide on her own what to do, because if i let her read this, who knows what'll happen. :/
-p
so it's been a month since i decided to reclaim my life, but i'm still torn right now. i'm not sure if it's because i am
constantly wondering what's going on in ashly's head, or if it's the fact that i'm still attracted to her after all these years
and am unsure she wants me, or the simple dejection i feel when i attempt to communicate something to her and get a dismissive
"you're strange" look with no feedback. actually, that's bullshit, i know exactly why i'm like this. i have these reflections
to keep me company these days:
---
a
So the thing I got at VS is only a bra, but should i get something a little more naughty? I hate to spend lots of time picking out something I'll only wear for a few minutes, and which might get "damaged" anyway. ;) But maybe it will make a repeat performance when I'm up north?
...
well, for one you think it 'might' get damaged. HA- sweetheart, that thing will be torn off your body w/in a matter of seconds, so i'll reimburse you for what you spent, and while you're at it, i'd go out and get the matching bottoms so i can destroy them as well. (and you think you're revved up?)
that's my wife. of almost five years. just "talking shit"...
---
a
I think I know why you said "nothing happened" the way you did, but we both know that it wasn't "nothing".
I know I'm taking a risk on my marriage by staying close to you. I don't want you to feel bad about that, and I don't want to feel bad about that. I wish--- well, it doesn't matter. The important thing is, we got to spend time together, which was wonderful but not nearly enough. I miss you already and hope to see you again.
That said, if I seem down or in a sad/bad mood but can't talk about it at the time, be patient. There are probably reasons why, and I will tell you in my own time. Just know that you are not the cause of my unhappiness-- not anywhere near it.
how am i supposed to deal with these emotions? this is the kind of stuff that drives people insane. after going through
this immense pile of bullshit that my wife has been lobbing towards this guy behind my back, i have come to question my own
ability to keep quiet. what kills me is that if i actually were to "grow a pair" as she puts it and call her on all this,
she might say i've been spying and want a separation because of it. i hope our marriage is worth more than that.
truth be told, i WAS oblivious during this period before the reunion, and that's my fault, but i wasn't having an emotional(/real?)
affair with anyone. she doesn't take me seriously here. i give her hints here and there to let her know i have some inkling
what went on, but she acts so carefree that i now
-- oh hold on a second --
On 5/25/06, a
Can I say "love ya" without it being too big a deal?
I know how hard it is to deal with work when there are much more important things at hand. I hope you get out at a decent time.
more kisses:)
i've thought about it myself. funny you brought it up. i have absolutely no problem w/ it b/c 'love' is such a loaded word w/ so many different meanings, and i feel that the bond we've formed over the past month or so definitely merits the both of us to speak our feelings.
From: Ashly Hood
To: david zone
Date: May 31, 2006 9:05 AM
Subject: Re: getting together
I LOVE YOU!!!! You are so sweet, I could just kiss you (which I will, in 22 days!). . .
so every time i tell ashly that i love her, and i get a response, is there anything authentic there? or is it simply
a "loaded" word used to offset my feelings, keep me at bay and continue this facade. i want so badly for it to be real,
want her smiles to resonate with the same purpose and affection which i took for granted for years. are they real?
---
On 5/23/06, david zone
i'll give you a call if and when i can escape for some sort of lunch. That's great to hear you're coming up this way. we are definitely getting together when you do cum <-- oops, i think i spelled that wrong? (naughty me) Ashly Hood < maddiesmama25@gmail.com > wrote:
I am having a heat flash right now...
I don't mind the talk. Been a long time since I've heard it and honey, I can go all night, too.
From: Ashly Hood
To: david zone
Date: May 29, 2006 5:44 PM
Subject: Long weekend>;)
Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Delete this message | Show original | Message text garbled?
So I'm glad you had a good weekend, I know you needed to blow off a little steam and have some fun.... I missed talking to you though, for sure!
Now, I guess you need a massage to get rid of all those tight muscles from dancing, huh? And a few well-placed kisses to start out the massage. Maybe a little music, some more slow kisses... just tell me where you need them the most and I'll be happy to "help you out".
Hope that gets you started. I'll talk to you soon, have a great night and a great week. mmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh-
baby girl
xxxxx
I had the best dream last night. . . and if you're half as good a kisser in real life as you were in that dream, I don't know if I can wait three more weeks to see you!
thank you for the email. Unfortunately, i didn't get it until this morning, so......... (now specific parts of my body are crying for attention), but i'll live....for now??
Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be able to take care of everything when we see each other. Only 23 days 'til I get to FL! Can you wait that long? ;)
yeah this guy is a real class act. more "talking shit", dismiss it out of hand, right? i can't do that any more. i would love to be
more intimate, maybe my body is the obstacle there, but who knows... is my wife simply tired of me? if i could write the words or
fix my body to solve that situation, i would. i could write thousands of songs about it, cry my eyes out pleading with her, tattoo
it on my body, run up the cc balances on everything she's ever wanted; fact is, what's happened here is not tantamount to me
obsessively playing a video game. i have come to realize that i alone cannot mend this in my head. looking at her myspace page at
some other man's picture, no mention of me on the whole thing other than the single word "Married." she has really hurt me, but you
know what? i WILL NOT leave her. not because of obligation, not because of madeline (although she's reason enough!), but
-- one more sec --
Ashly Hood < maddiesmama25@gmail.com > wrote:
Anyway, about talking-- you aren't making it difficult. My life is already difficult and pretty much a mess. Patrick and I have been having problems for a loooooong time. I don't know why he hasn't left me; I'm not going to win any "World's Best Wife" awards, that's for sure. It's like I mentioned awhile back-- we got together so quickly, we thought we had all these things in common but we just. . . don't. I guess he thinks I'm going to leave him for you (or because of you, or because of nothing, I don't know!) and that's why he gets upset.
I get upset because our relationship is incredibly important to me, moreso than ever. i'm not asking for the world's best wife,
i'm asking for the same thing i've been asking for since our first night together in oxford. i'm asking for ashly.
why haven't i left her? because love never leaves. because i guess i've always been a bit of an escape artist, and i
oversimplify, and in my world the good guy wins in the end. here i am, working a normal job, trying to be a good dad (and
succeeding leaps and bounds above other men), and dealing with her lashing out at the baby, the dog, and myself, balancing
money issues poorly, but i've always thought our relationship, since it involved me, would just end up "working out" (as arrogant as
that sounds). goddamnit i want it to work out, but all this bullshit needs to come out into the open. the guy still calls every
day, and why not, when he's received this kind of attention for months. of course i accept some blame there, i have neglected her
to a point, but have i persued anyone like this? did i have dates or make plans or "talk shit" or carry on any of that garbage
behind anyone's back? no. she rarely wants to make love and goes and buys victoria's secret for this guy and then
pawns it off like it's for me when i ask. is she so naive to think that i wouldn't ask? that i wouldn't know? i live in
my own world sometimes, but i am one of the more observant people around and when my wife mysteriously rediscovers her libido
i notice.
Ashly Hood
Remember that scrapbook thing in Boston that I told you about? Well I've been given the go-ahead to go, so now all I need to do is get registered. It's in August. I'll have to go to the classes a little bit, but maybe you could drive up that weekend and I can ditch a few of the classes to "hang out"? It's still three months away but I wanted to let you know that I'm planning on coming.
I'll talk to you later on today, call me if you get a chance. muah!
BG
so do i still have this on my mind? of course. even the facade of jay and jayce's wedding trip was a ruse. she marks his
birthday in her calendar on par with our daughter's birthday and puts nothing for me. yes, that's simple childish jealousy, true,
but this is the woman i stood on the altar with and declared my love for, and got the same back from her.. then decides to
use someone else's wedding as an opportunity to "hook up" or "hang out" outside of ours, enticing the guy to come
down to florida for his birthday because it's the same weekend as the wedding and she'll be there (as she puts it) "alone.".
am i overreacting?
she wants to risk her marriage by talking to this guy, well i guess it's time for me to risk it by bringing all this
out into the open. i want her, but only if the truth and the trust that we built our relationship on is still there. only if
when i tell her "i love you", i get something truthful, tangible and wonderful back. for my own sanity's sake, i need to present
this to her. i'm not trying to make her feel like a bad person, but i wonder if she realizes how i truly feel. hurt.
hurt so bad that i haven't felt in years, hurt like the stones tossed at me when i was in elementary school. hurt like the
insults and pain tossed at me in high school. is this my rebirth? i've been living in this shell of insecurity for so long,
and just when i thought i'd conquered it, put it to rest by finding the love of my life, it is tested once again. by sheer will
i must again take the reigns of my life back under control, even though in my heart of hearts i again fear the REJECTION i
have been so mortally wounded by for decades. i cry tonight. i cry for all the anguish and pain and suffering that i have
gone through to reach this point. and it is with insufferable resolve that i must again choose, not between eating, or playing
the saxophone, or going to church, or playing video games. tonight, or very soon, i must choose whether or not to risk
the love and lifelong companionship of another soul, the one person dearest to my heart and the one which i fear losing above all
else, even my parents.
i saw my grandparents taken away from me so early on, and i stood in the pews during the whole passion at easter simply because
i'd heard every time someone does that a soul goes to heaven. i repeated this for years, wanting nothing else than to have
been some sort of martyr for those i loved. i have dreaded my parents being taken from me, and that is something i cannot control.
now i have two lives here with me that i value and cherish more than any other, and their love, presence, and understanding is also
something i cannot control, but i can choose. i can choose to bring light upon these issues and seek the truth. its so
cliche, it may indeed set me free, but as i cry and type, i cannot help thinking that ashly may only read it and want
to be free of me. dear god i love her so much. but i have to be honest with myself, and she must be honest with herself. if
she's happier rid of me, then she should be rid of me. if some other person can do with ease what i would strive with all my
might and wisdom to accomplish, it only reinforces my doubt. i don't want an apology, i don't want promises, i just want ashly.
if she's with me, i must bring these facts to bear, and she must admit to the wrongdoing and stop the "guy friend" facade.
you can't have it both ways. and i won't stand for a situation where the person who's trespassed on our marriage is allowed
to continue loitering. it's untenable.
i can only hope that both of us can talk on the same footing. i know what i want... it's time for her to decide what she wants.
even if it's not me. i want her to decide on her own what to do, because if i let her read this, who knows what'll happen. :/
-p
20060618
20060618
I'm a bit depressed about a and m leaving for florida. i had my big awakening over a week ago (thanks to seeing some incriminating emails between her and d). i've since sworn off wow, tried to reclaim my life and save our marriage, and fix our issues... i've probably been smothering the shit out of a, as my ocdometer trained its focus from wow onto this new challenge, but i can't help it. m's life and well being depend on us, both of us, and i don't want to let my selfishness (or her selfishness) impede on that. what i won't (and can't) allow is her getting a free ride to cheat on me and expect me to be so naive as to have no idea what's been going on. that she's made a connection with this guy is partly my fault for being distant, but that does not give her the right to do this behind my back.
i am a good person, damnit... i have been a fairly good father, and not all that bad of a husband, although i know recently i have been neglecting a and taking her for granted. i think we've had a really good week, i'm inclined to agree with her on that, but this trip she's taking will decide a lot of things once and for all, and the thought of that is churning my stomach. i have been saying "i'm sorry" too much around her, as if our relationship's problems are my fault. this is not my fight against obesity, addiction or ocd, although that's part of it for sure. this is *our* fight at saving our marriage and giving m a better life than we had, and sometimes it feels as if i'm the only one fighting it.
a has "you're beautiful" set as the ringtone for dave, and as i read those lyrics and what they might imply, i had more of the same feelings of helplessness. she says she gets frustrated with the baby when she can't communicate what's wrong. well here i am, seemingly helpless to stop this trainwreck of inadequacy and frustration from reaching its destination. what am i supposed to do?
my only hope is that this diary will at least set my mind at ease a bit, and allow me to focus on fitness while she is gone to florida with m.
i love her. i share my feelings with her all the time, but sometimes i don't get back much of anything, which makes me wonder if she's as invested as i am in saving this.
i am a good person, damnit... i have been a fairly good father, and not all that bad of a husband, although i know recently i have been neglecting a and taking her for granted. i think we've had a really good week, i'm inclined to agree with her on that, but this trip she's taking will decide a lot of things once and for all, and the thought of that is churning my stomach. i have been saying "i'm sorry" too much around her, as if our relationship's problems are my fault. this is not my fight against obesity, addiction or ocd, although that's part of it for sure. this is *our* fight at saving our marriage and giving m a better life than we had, and sometimes it feels as if i'm the only one fighting it.
a has "you're beautiful" set as the ringtone for dave, and as i read those lyrics and what they might imply, i had more of the same feelings of helplessness. she says she gets frustrated with the baby when she can't communicate what's wrong. well here i am, seemingly helpless to stop this trainwreck of inadequacy and frustration from reaching its destination. what am i supposed to do?
my only hope is that this diary will at least set my mind at ease a bit, and allow me to focus on fitness while she is gone to florida with m.
i love her. i share my feelings with her all the time, but sometimes i don't get back much of anything, which makes me wonder if she's as invested as i am in saving this.
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