20110930-2

my friend on irc made the following for me this morning. it was appreciated and apropos.



amazing piece of ass in the county register's office. my day is subtly improving.

day 20 (run day):

a little banana and almond butter, one egg muffin
hot dog, can of chicken, two egg muffins
apple
tuna salad with a little bacon, no egg muffins :)

20110930

terrible nightmare. started off in some store with the ex. she left while we were shopping for something, and i fell asleep in the store. woke up (in the dream) and couldn't find her, called and she was off driving away from me. my coworker stopped me in the store and said our job was shutting down, so we went to my old employer to look for a job, and during some presentation my shoes phone wallet keys were all stolen. i was made fun of by an old coworker. woke up and it was 6am. first bad dream i've had in months, to be honest. this stress/drama affects me so deeply.

since i had my first nightmare in months, i was inspired to write my first poem in months while walking the dog. it sucks.

neglect of devices left unused
never broken but slightly abused
rusted coil which keeps me mortal
constant search for the final portal
pause to watch our star again rise
every day some more light dies
bad dreams brought upon myself
a cold morning with nothing left
acceptance as an unwanted gift
spare me the trouble
close the rift

20110929

day 19:

egg muffin (or two? can't remember)
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese
hot dog
cobb salad at chili's

i have replied to my ex's family. the bridge is probably burned. fuck. i don't really regret standing up for myself, but i do regret the entire situation. what a mess she created.

20110928

day 18 (run day):
two hard boiled eggs
one hamburger patty
two egg muffins

ran a bunch. got a fucking wonderful email from my former mother-in-law. apparently she didn't like being called "vacation planners" instead of grandparents. i am drafting a reply at the moment. and trying not to be too venomous.

20110927

day 17:

hot dog
grilled chicken salad
hamburger and sweet potato

vendor mtgs with EMC and IBM. no run. grumbly.

we've spent every night at the park... that's been nice.

20110926

damn trip is coming up. damnit.

also her party. god i hope kids show up. god i hope my ex doesn't ruin it.

day 16:
no breakfast, no lunch really, came home after work and had
hot dog, can of chicken, blt wrap
eggs (scrambled with tomatoes) and sausage

it's good that the peanut butter is depleted. i can conceivably lose weight with nothing around to snack on. i need a celice around my face.

fitocracy is working out. hah. pun.

20110925

indian food. disney on ice. football game. etc.

day 15:
eggs and bacon
indian food (palak paneer, chili chicken and curried chicken)
hot dogs, chicken
apple

20110924

day 14:

egg muffins
hamburgers
shish kabobs at friend's house
apple with pb

watched ufc tonight. i feel so awkward by myself. honestly i just forgot what it felt like to not be on a team. i want that feeling back, but i'm still not ready.

20110923

and just like that, i have plans tonight. and i initiated them myself no less.
going to eat with some friends and then going to see "enter the haggis" tonight, celtic rock, free show at the shell.

day 13:
skipped breakfast
tuna salad
new york strip and veggies side street

wow. the waitress at the restaurant had the nicest tits i've seen in years. and she smelled so fucking good. i may have to go back just to be waited on by her again. pathetic.

suicide dreams on the ride home.

want to write a song about acceptance, turning the corner, etc. or a song about fall. or both. but instead, my eyes will blur and i'll collapse in bed.

20110922-2

so i'm sitting here listening to "high speed dirt" by megadeth, reading "7 ways to beat depression after divorce" on the web, and wondering again why weight loss, why LIFE, is such a struggle for me.

i cannot imagine a woman on the world who fits the puzzle. god help the world if i do get into shape finally.

---

holy fuck the depression is just washing over me in waves. i just got home. was sitting in my car with no music playing and, as it has been for the past year, the phrase "i'm done" comes from my mouth. "i need to be done". i need to be done.

---

could not bring myself to run today. dressed out, walked outside, turned on gps, and just turned around and back to the house. ate lunch and instead took the dog on a walk. and then i called in sick for the afternoon... which consisted of sage and a nap. thank goodness i had the wherewithal to set the alarm. picked up kiddo, brought her home and said no to ice cream for this week, worked on the bicycle with her and now she's preparing to watch some tv (after she cleaned her room).

20110922

day 12:

egg muffins
salmon/mayo, hotdog, pb
steak, more pb..

20110921

day 11:

egg muffins
chicken, sausage, tomato on lettuce
curried catfish, blt wrap
dark chocolate

20110920

day 10:

egg muffin, boiled egg (3)
blt wrap
lemon pepper marinated chicken on the oven
dark chocolate

20110919

day 9:

boiled egg, egg muffin
grilled chicken salad
hot dogs and sauerkraut
dark chocolate

fuckin around with fitocracy. it's nerdy.

dc universe online and star trek online are both going free-to-play soon. i will probably try both.

20110918-2

day 8:

hard boiled egg, tomato wrap
pork chop, sweet potato, kale
beef jerky
dark chocolate
egg muffin

20110918

fun fact: my ex used to steal sunday papers from neighbors' homes when we'd go on a walk in the morning.

additional fact: i cried last night in bed. first time in awhile.. i'm still not over her. wtf.

20110917

day 7:

(skipped breakfast, yeah yeah i know.. i was busy in the yard. finally got a new gas can, mowed my yard, started cleanup on the felled tree in the back, got some limbs off the roof and cleaned half my gutters.)
hot dog (no bun) at the airshow (which was a success)
beef jerky
omelete cooked by mom with bell peppers onions etc. yum.
almonds

i fought the temptation to go get some more peanut butter and some dark chocolate tonight on the way home. i was proud of myself. i know i'll probably just get them tomorrow, but still.. one night of snack resistance is a good start.

time to curl up with sage and nod off to oblivion. good times.

20110916

day 5:

two eggs and sausage
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese
chili

20110915

day 4:

egg muffins (all gone! need to make sommore)
sausage tomato lettuce wraps
pineapple chicken
beef jerky

20110915-3

day 3:

egg muffins
grilled chicken philly salad at lenny's
egg & sausage burrito
blt wrap

20110914-2

this morning's irc convo made me feel approximately 5% better:

08:04 < spamalope> supposedly scarlett johansson - http://whatever.com/whatever
08:04 < spamalope> nsfw
08:04 < spamalope> i dont know who she is but ive heard her name before heh
08:41 < spliggity> lots of movies almost none of them any good
08:42 < spliggity> i kinda liked lost in translation i guess
08:42 < spliggity> weird as hell
08:56 < spliggity> now playing: Queen - A Day At The Races - You Take My Breath Away [188kbps|4:40]
08:56 < spliggity> closed my eyes and randomly picked something in my tunes
08:56 < spliggity> its actually a good song
09:01 < rico^> I liked ghost world too
09:02 < rico^> vicky christina barcelona is a must watch
09:02 < rico^> if only for the lesbo scenes between her and penelope cruz
09:03 < rico^> but yeah she needs to pick better movies
09:13 < spliggity> i cant really watch movies with that dude in them
09:13 < spliggity> i keep expecting him to punch a hole in some dude's head
09:14 < rico^> he's great
09:14 < rico^> I really like that guy
09:14 < funkshun> the punisher guy?
09:15 < spliggity> javier bardem
09:15 < funkshun> ohh
09:15 < spliggity> the no country guy
09:15 < spliggity> hes also in "eat pray love"
09:15 < rico^> ugh
09:15 < rico^> I'd rather eat glass
09:16 < spliggity> also known as "the book that if you see your spouse reading it, precedes divorce"
09:16 < funkshun> mmkay
09:17 < rico^> that's the book that teaches middle to upper class white women that it's ok to fuck off to india for 3 years and fuck someone other than your husband and let all your responsibilities lapse
09:17 < rico^> we should form to ban it like in fahrenheit 451
09:17 < spliggity> bingo
09:17 < spliggity> i see it a lot on the dating sites
09:18 < spliggity> it encourages women to go "walk the earth", which only really works if you have gobs of money
09:18 < spliggity> heh
09:18 < rico^> and people back home to sort out all the shit you left running

20110914

holy shit am i in a black mood this morning. it took some herculean effort to get kiddo to school, and now i'm at work and trying to force myself out of the pit with music. closed my eyes and scrolled down my tunes and clicked something randomly. the winner:

now playing: Queen - A Day At The Races - You Take My Breath Away [188kbps|4:40]

this album came out the month and year i was born. for all its majesty, does it matter? is the goal to change another's life? what good does that do, when they keep moving towards their inevitable end. our only contribution is to trip them along the way. and they almost always get back up.

i'm so tired of this ugly world. my ex has a new picture up of her and her new beau. he gets uglier with every picture, and so does she. maybe she was right to leave me, i hate myself, how could someone else ever love that? to be honest, i don't feel like starting all that shit over again, not even for a second, and yet loneliness pulls inexorably at me. i want to rip out the longing and step on it. this is all so goddamn pointless. escapes haven't helped. i have more and more each day. video games, music, work, etc. does anyone think travel would help? it has nothing to do with where i'm at physically. i could be at the top of everest, but what's the point when i'm a husk, a shadow, a ghost?

20110913

full moon this morning, clear skies, relatively hot. mid 90s even. fuck that noise. two miles, but it was tough. all kinds of strange requests. got angry at m tonight and was generally a dickhead for no good reason, other than she told me she's just like her mommy and her kid is going to be just like her. that shouldn't have upset me, but it did. my bed is broke. i quasi-fixed it, but i really need to get a new bed. the ikea malm minimalist bed looks good, i'll probably go with that when i get back.

day 2:
egg muffins
blt lettuce wraps (f'n yum)
beef jerky
mixed veggies and spinach souffle

20110912

the primal blueprint challenge.

day 1:
egg muffins
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese dressing (no croutons)
hot dogs and saurkraut
dark chocolate, peanut butter and almonds

no run today, as i ran on saturday (4.5 mi) and sunday (3.3 mi). the garmin is so nice. tonight, i did 3x15 benchpress @ 120 lbs. i'd do more weight but.. i don't have any more weights. i have the bar loaded with a bunch of little weights, and the weight set is from the 80s. fuckit. eventually i'll get a good squat cage.

20110911-2

my kid named this creation today. it was, hands down, the best kitchen experiment we've ever completed together. this tastes AMAZING.

Bananablamasplit Smoothies:
1x Banana
2x Yoplait Orange Creme Yogurt Cups
1/2 Cup Milk
8-10 Ice Cubes

blend ingredients in blender and enjoy :)

20110911

i was walking into work that day, in Oxford, and I'd heard something on the radio. needless to say, we didn't get a lot of work done that day. the entire office essentially just huddled around our monitors and watched news footage. this was two months prior to my wedding date, and the icy manipulator and i were still working together at the time. i remember us being in the loop much better than anyone else around because we had access to irc where a lot of the earliest reports were coming in. this was well before twitter and all that nonsense. i felt violated at the time. i also remember hearing there was cheering from some muslims in our student union. anyway, it was a sad day. and today is too.

20110909-2

life is better. lunch helped. coworker helped, even though he doesn't know it. looking for a sword for the house. and some new shirts. you know, the usual.

20110909

this 9/11 song on the radio completely destroyed me. i was a little girl talking to her dad in heaven. total waterworks. of course, i'm thinking of the song in different terms. life goes on. for one more day.

20110907

feels nice to take a break from elliott for a spell.

so i started thinking about my body/mind situation last night, and discovered a few curiosities. the more weight i lose, the more self confidence i have (yes, i heard you say "duh").. problem is, for me, with self confidence, comes egotism and arrogance. i wonder thusly if my mind has been fighting my body to try and maintain some semblance of "nice" in my personality, by feeding my face instead of my ego. and now i'm wondering again if my quest for a healthy body is going to end up a failure because i will still dislike the person in the mirror at the end of it, for different reasons.

i'm not going to stop doing what i'm doing mind you, but this is one of those rare days when i'm afforded the clarity of conscience required to properly analyze my progress sans preconceived notions about their altruistic motivations. in other words, i can stop bullshitting myself about my intentions for a second and focus on the real WHY behind what i'm doing. i wish i could say in all honesty that what i'm attempting has nothing to do with my ex, but that is a lie, and i know it. does it mean i'll fail? no. it's not like i'm trying to pull excalibur from the stone here. i'm simply trying to conquer my own body, and in that i must always remember that exercise is a math equation, not an emotional journey. the separation of ego from my fitness goals is essential.

now i'm wondering whether separation of ego is essential for my other goals as well.

the embodiment of nature, loss, and truth. drudkh, a black metal band by trade, but i don't think anyone would consider this black metal when first hearing it.

20110905

so i'm watching the parade from dragoncon and i realize that i need to center in on what kind of person i am. am i a geek? surely. do i identify with these people? in many ways, yes. why am i not out there with them? fear, isolationism i guess. being a dad has consumed who i am, sadly. i see women out there and realize it's a much bigger world out there than this room, this house, or this town. plenty of people happy with themselves. who am i to judge any one of them? anyway, i dunno.. it's the middle of the night and i'm up for a sec and just watched it on a whim.

20110904

"dry clean only" is apparently not a suggestion. just tossed a XL sweater which is now small enough for my kid to wear. but it's okay, i despise v necks. why do i own them? i'm not sure.

finally left my sad valentine song for a new one, and it's coming together. conceptually it's good and even fun to play. simple but fun.

i ran yesterday, three miles. it had been a full week since i'd run, because i was nervous about my heel. i've been having some achilles tendon issues when touching my toes. it's strange because i have no problem normally. oh and good, sunday morning and i'm getting pages from work. till next time, readers.

20110902

complete social retardation. two nice looking ladies with no rings. i have no idea how to start this again. never enough. at least my kid had a good time.