so i started thinking about my body/mind situation last night, and discovered a few curiosities. the more weight i lose, the more self confidence i have (yes, i heard you say "duh").. problem is, for me, with self confidence, comes egotism and arrogance. i wonder thusly if my mind has been fighting my body to try and maintain some semblance of "nice" in my personality, by feeding my face instead of my ego. and now i'm wondering again if my quest for a healthy body is going to end up a failure because i will still dislike the person in the mirror at the end of it, for different reasons.
i'm not going to stop doing what i'm doing mind you, but this is one of those rare days when i'm afforded the clarity of conscience required to properly analyze my progress sans preconceived notions about their altruistic motivations. in other words, i can stop bullshitting myself about my intentions for a second and focus on the real WHY behind what i'm doing. i wish i could say in all honesty that what i'm attempting has nothing to do with my ex, but that is a lie, and i know it. does it mean i'll fail? no. it's not like i'm trying to pull excalibur from the stone here. i'm simply trying to conquer my own body, and in that i must always remember that exercise is a math equation, not an emotional journey. the separation of ego from my fitness goals is essential.
now i'm wondering whether separation of ego is essential for my other goals as well.
the embodiment of nature, loss, and truth. drudkh, a black metal band by trade, but i don't think anyone would consider this black metal when first hearing it.
