20110727

today is not about me. it's about my friend. and a good friend she is. happy birthday.

20110726

Another sad creation sullies forth
Flesh melded inharmoniously
Ceremony of clerical errors
Unsubstantiated grief
Crafted mind torn asunder
Every interaction poisonous
Fatal flaws surface at will
Just to die from exposure
A mindless afterthought
And it's getting worse

20110725

burning up on reentry
yet another launch consequence
fight or flight instinct kicks in
signal an abort to the tower
a death defying maneuver
arcing over the crowd assembled
applause wells up as expected
all except the intended target
crashed right into her after all

20110724

Why is this making me cry at 5:30 in the morning:

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

20110723

for all those curious, i am now officially (even more of) a woman. kiddo spent last night at granny's and i got a 6 mile run in this morning. also had some guys come to fix my attic ladder. when i picked her up, we stopped by michael's (the craft store) on the way home, and bought (1) a face painting kit (2) glow in the dark stars for her room (3) kid paint.

we spent the remainder of the evening painting each other's faces. anyway, i loved michael's, and found so many things i was interested in that we are definitely going back, even if i'm the only guy i ever see in the place.

i am going to meet with a one night this week. i am turning donuts over a few topics in my head that i need to get off my chest with her. i can't believe she put her boyfriend on speakerphone to discuss our child's visitation, but i want to take a different tact with her now. it will probably explode in my face, but we'll see.

20110722

She puts him on the phone
Another sad manipulated drone
Experience is a better teacher
The only way to reach her
She only fights for control now
It's never been about her child
No choice but to soldier on
She'll stop caring before long

20110721

bleh.

20110720

division day.

20110719

a day in the life.

40 minutes on the phone with the ex at 7am. get wonderful kid up out of bed and to camp. she wrote me this incredible note on the ride in.

get to work. made the walk. two hour meeting with microsoft.

went home because power is out at work. had lunch and lifted weights because it's too damn hot to run, and wrote the following letter to my atty:

An issue has come up regarding visitation for my daughter. My ex-wife has moved in with her boyfriend at his home, and informed me that I have no recourse, since the wording of the paramour clause in our papers uses the term "guest". She is claiming he is her roommate, not a guest, even though they share a room/bed. I know that I am legally obligated to provide her with visitation, but is she correct in that I have no recourse? I do not want my daughter exposed to seeing her mother living in a home out of wedlock.

yeah. the best of times and the worst of times.

20110718

This space for rent
Out with the old ecstasy
Yourself through my eyes
Soar upward with singularity
A million million stars traverse
And refrain from falling over
Grown accustomed to comfort
Able to pretend to interact
Shun all the rest
Less than zero
Sold

20110717

lunch: salmon+pickles+mayo on tortilla
dinner: chicken breast, asparagus, homemade banana nut muffins
snacks: chips and rotel

yesterday i fixed up my weight bench area and started doing some bench presses and bent over rows. yesterday night we went over to my brother's and m played with her cousin.
today, i woke up, mowed, weeded, then we went down to mom's house, i ran (+ a trail run back), around four miles..

so i ran wednesday, friday, and sunday.. not bad.

20110716

How many times do you say
How'd I ever wind up this way
How many leagues under the sea
Have you sunk your self esteem
An anchorage from ages past
Gives way to unpleasant tasks
Struggles you never asked for
Time to realize less is more
Caught up in your suicide dreams
Everything is what it seems
Reach out to check the scores
Only to find yourself ignored
Write and sing, flail and pine
Losing the war of body and mind
How can anyone ever win
Mirrors hold the secret within
And they're not telling

20110715

A weight class rejection
Ineligible downfield
The carrier lost connection
As a fate is unsealed
Cry discontent
As a monster hits the mark
Came and went
Broken back in the dark

20110714

thank you for the kind words
part of me, this poetry is shared only for you (and others)
a back seat rendezvous
part of me wants to be part of you
the prophecy sees right through, below
promise me he'll never know
but i knew
i watched it all
unfolding and tearing and crying and swearing alone
please understand the pursuer is sad and mistaken
she's thrown it away for a year and a day with a fool (that's you)
wished it were like it used to be, when we could just sneak away
those promises got in the way, well played
thank you for the kind words
open and honest as long as the pawn's in control (oh no)
you never meant to hurt me
you knew not to wound your prey
wished things were different before i was lifted away
carried away

20110711

i'm taking a few days off from posting. i have no air conditioning... there's a really long story there, but it's not worth telling on here.

i'm back at work after taking a week off and my kiddo is back from her trip with the in-laws. they can all rest easier and drift back into the shadows as i continue to raise her. until the next vacay! christ.

20110708

Appetite for sapping life
Sodomy fools honesty
Inert gas is thinner past
The distance of a chance
Still now, free will allowed
Lesser than a blessed man
To overcome the slower young
And discover he doesn't love her
Laugh it off, for after all
We're better off without her

20110707

like a spade without a stem, a heart turned upside-down on him
always doing as he was told, honorably discharged, too old
to figure out the figure needed, cause and effect the king unseated
a many heir had come to claim, and on her back she would remain
capricious, much like a noble's whim, clamoring to sink or swim
like a spade without a stem, a heart turned upside-down on him

20110706

another run this morning, although it wasn't until 10am, which.. in summer terms, is way, way too late. it was a real burner and i am kinda out of it. i got gas and mexican, and am now back at the house, determined to do not much of anything.

a/c people coming tomorrow.

i remarked that i only have escapes and not experiences. i think it's a fairly valid assessment of my life.

20110705

relaxed and essentially carefree.

ran this morning, read, played xbox, guitar, fixed a broken burner on my range, went to kroger, napped, and grilled chicken i had marinated in tequila lime all day.

vacuumed out the drip pan in the attic and called the warranty people. i'm not letting it bother me today.

kiddo is doing okay on her vacation, although the only way i get to hear a status report is to initiate it myself.

20110704

yeah, happy fourth. whatever. finished up some song lyrics that have been rattling around upstairs, played tales of vesperia a bunch on xbox, started a new book, and ran this afternoon after the rains cooled it off.

no a/c still.. but it's not unbearable.

20110703

today i realized my a/c situation is not fixed. as in there is a puddle on my ceiling, just outside my guest bathroom. i went to lowe's and bought a new filter, a wet vac, and some other crap to try and get it under control. it's not under control. i just ended up turning it off.

i had an invite to a friend's house for a cookout so i went over there and had an okay time. i'm so allergic to cats, it didn't long before my eyes wanted to eject from their sockets. no alcohol for me, only water.. no single women (as if). i can't lose weight cutting everything out of my life, but i'll keep plugging away. i left about 11 and came home.

20110702

Finally got a run in yesterday. Rerecorded one of my old songs and it sounds much better. I have a project on my hands, heh.

My mood was really black for most of this week.. no exercise plus the thought of my child away for a week.. sorry about that, readers.. whoMever you aren't.

Haven't prayed for much of anything but I couldn't help but ask for her safety this week. Old habits die hard. She's probably on the road to the airport as I write this. My ex is moving in with her bf and tells me my consent is not required because he's a roommate. Not sure if I should talk to my atty or not, but I feel sorta helpless there.

20110701

Final tethers cut
Nature's loving slut
Central to the cause
Simply at a loss
Driven by an urge
Pen the greatest dirge
Sacrificial lamb
All of it a scam