20151228

woke up to water streaming into my bathroom. my dog is blind. his diapers arrived. i hate existence.

EXTREME suicidal thoughts the last few days. world still on blast. have unread messages. like chuck schuldiner said.. empty words.

here's the menu for the day, who knows, maybe this mood is the sugar leaving the body.

this won't be a permanent addition to the blog, but let's see if it lasts a week or so ..

breakfast: steel cut oats, coffee
lunch: chicken, squash, salad, coffee
dinner: ribeye, asparagus, sweet potato, coffee

lifting: supersets of benchpress and lat pulldown, followed by chins and curls

20151227

had what is essentially the first positive experience in church in many years.

the homily was about kids. that we as a society have become convinced that kids are a burden, instead of a gift. said something like 90% of babies with down syndrome are aborted in europe.

not sure how i feel about that one. sounds pretty horrible though.

also said people should stop snickering at families who have more than two kids. he's right about that, and i am guilty of doing this in the past, to a few of the moms with a bunch.

prayed for my kiddo to have a good week, for my parents continued health, and to conquer my fears. pretty much the same prayer every time.

---

started my de-carbification yesterday. tossed out all the candy, went to the grocery store last night and picked up a laundry list of meats, veggies, and stuff. here's today:

breakfast: four egg omelet
lifting: two supersets, 50 squats+rows 135x10x5, 40x10x5, 15 dips+cable seated rows 5x3, 120x10x3
dinner: chicken casserole (chicken, cream of chicken, broth, jasmine rice, melty cheese)

planning on some evening lifting if i get the urge. 50 squats is probably gonna put me on the bench for some upper body sets

---

got a roomba.. big success so far.

20151224

Holy shit, went for a run and my depression seemed to worsen.  The entire way back I was ruminating on the following pessismist's tautology:

if your parents convince you the only way to true happiness is through the lord Jesus Christ, if you get nothing out of religion, they have nurtured you towards never knowing true happiness.

Now isn't that a pleasant thought.  Going to clean my fat self after that pointless bit of exertion and prepare to again waste an hour of my life reaching for a faith that eludes me.

20151221

20151217

curious how so many hate us around the globe even after all the supposed outreach and charity.

to te rest of the world, we are the 1%.

20151208

tears. on the inside. they don't want to come out tonight. probably for the best.

20151204

new life is welcomed into this world, and older life is ushered out.

my former sister-in-law gave birth, so kiddo has another cousin.

and scott weiland checked out.

life is cyclical, happy and sad at the same time. i'm ready for some happy though. maybe next year.

20151203

today's jam (to try and set my mind at ease)

20151201

so m convinced me to set up the tree last night. christmas has been bittersweet for me for the last few years, as things came off the rails during this season. decorating the tree with bing or louis or andy stirs those emotions again. maybe I'll start some new traditions this year, buy a new ornament or something.