20140527

Couldn't summon the nerves today, even though it was there for the taking.  Maybe tomorrow.

Almost done with another song I can't sing.  Trying and failing to keep my calories low.

Held my old dog in bed tonight before going to sleep and told him thanks for being there through it all.  If there's a heaven after all, I hope I see him again there.

20140524

Think I saw a girl from match at target, think she had a ring, think I'm creepy, think I just need to get laid.

20140523

es-see you in heaven

20140520

I need a girlfriend.  I'm miserable.

20140516

Living life as a fatalist is debilitating.  I'm sitting there watching a movie with my kid and the pervading thought is how the dog on her lap will be gone before we know it.  Then the thoughts inevitably move towards my parents, then me.  I try I fight the realization of futility of being, the pull of humanity, but this is a powerful vortex of my own creation.  And I can never move past it, constant as a beating drum.  The drums will stop though.  Soon enough.

Ran four miles, and the 'moment of clarity' thought was "if the search for meaning is a biological imperative, why did we as humans adapt towards it.  Evolution appears to be an orchestrated adaptation towards environment.  Why then do we search for meaning?"

20140514

my child just went right the heck off tonight. crying, sadness, etc.

she tells me she hardly knows her mom. i don't know if therapy would make it better or worse.

i sure don't know what to tell her, but i tried my best to set things at ease. perhaps it will pass with the summer breeze.

20140505

i've rediscovered bjork. post is just a fantastic album from start to finish.

another chance at newk's, another fail. JUMP IN. mayhap one day.

this is worth a watch. might better your life.

20140503

April ended and May began. The fifth month. For two weeks I've had two separate crews of laborers working on gutting and remodeling my bathroom. They finally left last night, but I am not at all satisfied with the plumbing work. On their initial attempts, the shower was leaking behind the tile and required multiple soldering nonsense to try and fix the situation, to the point that I'm now scared to even turn it on, lest it start leaking. The p-trap in the sink is leaking as well. My contractor, who also happens to be my sister's husband, may or may not come over today to assist me in building out the shower door, at which point I'll run the shower and test the solder joints, but my confidence level is very low. I must say though, the tile guys were awesome, and the bathroom looks aesthetically pleasing, if only it were usable.

I didn't really save any money either. I guess I've learned my lesson insomuch as doing business with family. I love the guy but the people he hires are questionable, and the financial situation behind the entire enterprise seems a trifle shady.

Blogging really didn't occur to me at all during this process, as I've been almost at post-divorce levels of stress and worry throughout. I had nightmares all night and woke up to let the dog out and that was it. No going back to bed. So i started cleaning up the assorted nails and chips of tile from my carport and backyard in preparation for pulling my car back underneath, clearing away boxes and such from my bedroom, and sweeping the tile. What made me sit down here at 8AM to blog was the fact that I stepped on the scale, fully expecting to have gained weight, and there it was. I hit my goal. Momentous doesn't cover this moment. I moved the scale around to different areas to make sure it wasn't fucking with me, but all readings pointed to the same conclusion. I walked down the hallway, grabbed my dog along the way, sat on the couch with him in my arms and cried, my first one in a while.

And now here I sit, recapping only a small portion of the craziness of a family bathroom remodel and a subsequent stress induced weight loss goal monument.

Every cloud has a silver lining.