happy same old same old.
vision blurs, visions blur.
20111231
20111231
jesus i hate the holidays.
...
twenty minutes later the irony and/or pun of that statement hits me.
...
twenty minutes later the irony and/or pun of that statement hits me.
20111230
20111230
otherwise known as why can't i fucking sleep. i rarely have insomnia but i do at the moment.
20111229
20111229-2
This morning we played kinect and then watched the Cathy Rigby stage production of "Peter Pan". I think we're hitting the botanic garden afterwards if I can get us out the door :)
20111228
20111228
she comes home today. nervous energy has pretty much cleaned the house for me. i still need to get my gutters cleaned out though. and there are still leaves everywhere. i hate leaves.
i'm level 41 in skyrim though, so i may try to finish out the main storyline today.
decisions decisions.
i'm level 41 in skyrim though, so i may try to finish out the main storyline today.
decisions decisions.
20111222
20111222-2
and we fought on the sendoff.
"you should have thought about all your demands when you were a dick to me all year."
"don't worry, i have an adderall i'm taking two hours into the drive."
she basically fought with me before they left. just.. not the way to leave on a weeklong trip.
"you should have thought about all your demands when you were a dick to me all year."
"don't worry, i have an adderall i'm taking two hours into the drive."
she basically fought with me before they left. just.. not the way to leave on a weeklong trip.
20111222
she leaves this morning at 6am. 14 hours in the car with her mom.
let's recap yesterday. since it's 1:30am and i can't seem to sleep.
woke up, played some games, watched a movie, went to chick fil'a and she played in the play area.
came home, went to the park and played for an hour or so.
back at the house, more games, some tv, and then a fashion show. she took a bath and then we watched "rudolph the red nosed reindeer", and i almost broke down in tears multiple times as it hit me. this was my christmas night with my child. she doesn't want to spent christmas with her mom's family. she doesn't want to be in the back of a car with a "mean mommy". i'm helpless and i still can't fathom why my ex is even bothering with all of this. i almost wish the boyfriend was going down there with her... at least there'd be someone else in the vehicle.
i'd rather spring for a plane ticket for my kid (and my kid alone) rather than this torture.
did i mention that my kid was told NOT to talk about me at all at their parents house? yeah.
i never had to spend a christmas without my parents growing up. this is killing me.
let's recap yesterday. since it's 1:30am and i can't seem to sleep.
woke up, played some games, watched a movie, went to chick fil'a and she played in the play area.
came home, went to the park and played for an hour or so.
back at the house, more games, some tv, and then a fashion show. she took a bath and then we watched "rudolph the red nosed reindeer", and i almost broke down in tears multiple times as it hit me. this was my christmas night with my child. she doesn't want to spent christmas with her mom's family. she doesn't want to be in the back of a car with a "mean mommy". i'm helpless and i still can't fathom why my ex is even bothering with all of this. i almost wish the boyfriend was going down there with her... at least there'd be someone else in the vehicle.
i'd rather spring for a plane ticket for my kid (and my kid alone) rather than this torture.
did i mention that my kid was told NOT to talk about me at all at their parents house? yeah.
i never had to spend a christmas without my parents growing up. this is killing me.
20111221
20111221
one year older.. one year wiser? not sure yet. i have a new melody struggling to lift the coffin lid on my head and ramble out into the world. it's called "thursday morning".
20111219
20111219
whelp. now she wants to pre-dose the kid with dramamine (i couldn't think of a more aptly named drug for my ex.. she probably has stock in the company) for the 14 hr car ride down to her parents house. trying to decide if i want to fight that fight. ugh.
hooked on skyrim.
last day of work for 2011. fuck this year.
breakfast? nope.
lunch? logan's steakhouse.
got a text from bitchface saying "the gift you bought for m says 'from daddy', i thought that was supposed to be a santa gift?" my response? "nope, it's from me." "ok." they want to host christmas with my daughter 14 hours away from me, won't buy her the top gift, and are somehow miffed when I put "from daddy" on it instead of "from santa". yeah, they're shitlisted.
hooked on skyrim.
last day of work for 2011. fuck this year.
breakfast? nope.
lunch? logan's steakhouse.
got a text from bitchface saying "the gift you bought for m says 'from daddy', i thought that was supposed to be a santa gift?" my response? "nope, it's from me." "ok." they want to host christmas with my daughter 14 hours away from me, won't buy her the top gift, and are somehow miffed when I put "from daddy" on it instead of "from santa". yeah, they're shitlisted.
20111216
20111216
today is the last day of school for kiddo. she has a half day (and a party) and i hope she has a great time.
i'm currently sitting at work on a cold and wet day, but i'm only moderately complaining, as i must always remember the pain of the summertime when it cools off.
so i sent my ex a bunch of messages over gmail chat. i basically told her what all happened and then reiterated that i haven't had a drink all year (i haven't) and refuted her insinuation that i'm constantly dropping our kid off with others when i have her with the following:
me: just so you know, i am dealing with a still undiagnosed illness. i was playing tag with m about three weeks ago in the house and experienced extreme, nausea-inducing dizziness. she had to get the phone and call for help as i could not get off the floor. i was driven to the ER but they could not really determine what's up. they put me on fluids and it eventually subsided, although i still felt it for days, and am still feeling cranial pressure and back/neck issues on and off. one of my wisdom teeth was broken and so i had them all removed as a precaution, in case i had an abscess causing everything, but that did not solve the problem. i am going to another specialist while she's out of town, but i didn't want to scare her.
i haven't had a drink all year, i bought everyone's tickets for zoo brew and ended up not going.
Sent at 9:08 AM on Friday
me: and as far as me dropping her off at other people's homes when i have her or whatever you were insinuating before, she is craving normalcy and a positive female influence in her life and i have no other options but to put her in my sister's or mom's (or her aunt's) care so she gets played with.
Sent at 9:09 AM on Friday
me: i have no new phone, no new girl, no new life. all i have is me and i've devoted this year to getting in shape and goddamnit if my body isn't revolting.
ex: To address these in order:
me: so there you have it.
ex: I hope you can find out what's wrong over the break. I know it's scary not to know. I thought you knew it was Lyme?
me: that wouldn't cause acute vertigo
i had a ct scan but i need an mri, it could be a bulging disc but i'm tired of speculating honestly
Sent at 9:12 AM on Friday
ex: lost the chat, sorry.
Maybe consider letting her have friends OVER to play-- I'm making friends out here that have kids so hopefully in the spring she'll have some friends to play with out here. But she and I have had a good time these last couple of times playing Bananagrams and stuff.
me: i dont feel comfortable having other little girls over without a female parent in the house
ex: cp called to mention the bump on her bottom; please take her to the doctor to have that looked at, or else I can. It could get worse. I know she doesn't want to go, but it's like the whole dentist thing-- she can't dictate that.
I am sure cc and/or kr do not mind.
me: she's going to the dentist on my birthday morning
so she'll see one before the trip
ex: Good.
me: because she's been complaining about it, i think honestly a lot of it is her anxiety about me getting my teeth out
ex: Did you get me a copy of her insurance card, or can you, just for me to have?
me: yeah, i made a copy
ex: Doesn't matter-- letting the doc look at it is better than letting it get bad. She may need to see the school counselor again, if only to help her anxiety about YOU-- she's always worried about you, and that can manifest itself in numerous ways.
Sent at 9:19 AM on Friday
me: apparently everyone needs counseling, heh
meeting time, i'll see you at one
ex: Pretty much. Everyone is fucked up in their own way.
Ok.
i then read my horoscope:
Emotions, prejudices, or unresolved issues from the past come up in your interactions with others now, and you may not be very objective. This is a good time to speak up and clear the air of any grievances you have been holding on to for some time. Personal subjects are the topic of discussion now. Reminiscing, remembering, daydreaming about and reflecting on the past is likely.
weird, eh? i guess i feel better. although i probably just jumped into some sort of bear trap unknowing.
no breakfast.
hot dog and something else
balogna
sweet potato
i'm currently sitting at work on a cold and wet day, but i'm only moderately complaining, as i must always remember the pain of the summertime when it cools off.
so i sent my ex a bunch of messages over gmail chat. i basically told her what all happened and then reiterated that i haven't had a drink all year (i haven't) and refuted her insinuation that i'm constantly dropping our kid off with others when i have her with the following:
me: just so you know, i am dealing with a still undiagnosed illness. i was playing tag with m about three weeks ago in the house and experienced extreme, nausea-inducing dizziness. she had to get the phone and call for help as i could not get off the floor. i was driven to the ER but they could not really determine what's up. they put me on fluids and it eventually subsided, although i still felt it for days, and am still feeling cranial pressure and back/neck issues on and off. one of my wisdom teeth was broken and so i had them all removed as a precaution, in case i had an abscess causing everything, but that did not solve the problem. i am going to another specialist while she's out of town, but i didn't want to scare her.
i haven't had a drink all year, i bought everyone's tickets for zoo brew and ended up not going.
Sent at 9:08 AM on Friday
me: and as far as me dropping her off at other people's homes when i have her or whatever you were insinuating before, she is craving normalcy and a positive female influence in her life and i have no other options but to put her in my sister's or mom's (or her aunt's) care so she gets played with.
Sent at 9:09 AM on Friday
me: i have no new phone, no new girl, no new life. all i have is me and i've devoted this year to getting in shape and goddamnit if my body isn't revolting.
ex: To address these in order:
me: so there you have it.
ex: I hope you can find out what's wrong over the break. I know it's scary not to know. I thought you knew it was Lyme?
me: that wouldn't cause acute vertigo
i had a ct scan but i need an mri, it could be a bulging disc but i'm tired of speculating honestly
Sent at 9:12 AM on Friday
ex: lost the chat, sorry.
Maybe consider letting her have friends OVER to play-- I'm making friends out here that have kids so hopefully in the spring she'll have some friends to play with out here. But she and I have had a good time these last couple of times playing Bananagrams and stuff.
me: i dont feel comfortable having other little girls over without a female parent in the house
ex: cp called to mention the bump on her bottom; please take her to the doctor to have that looked at, or else I can. It could get worse. I know she doesn't want to go, but it's like the whole dentist thing-- she can't dictate that.
I am sure cc and/or kr do not mind.
me: she's going to the dentist on my birthday morning
so she'll see one before the trip
ex: Good.
me: because she's been complaining about it, i think honestly a lot of it is her anxiety about me getting my teeth out
ex: Did you get me a copy of her insurance card, or can you, just for me to have?
me: yeah, i made a copy
ex: Doesn't matter-- letting the doc look at it is better than letting it get bad. She may need to see the school counselor again, if only to help her anxiety about YOU-- she's always worried about you, and that can manifest itself in numerous ways.
Sent at 9:19 AM on Friday
me: apparently everyone needs counseling, heh
meeting time, i'll see you at one
ex: Pretty much. Everyone is fucked up in their own way.
Ok.
i then read my horoscope:
Emotions, prejudices, or unresolved issues from the past come up in your interactions with others now, and you may not be very objective. This is a good time to speak up and clear the air of any grievances you have been holding on to for some time. Personal subjects are the topic of discussion now. Reminiscing, remembering, daydreaming about and reflecting on the past is likely.
weird, eh? i guess i feel better. although i probably just jumped into some sort of bear trap unknowing.
no breakfast.
hot dog and something else
balogna
sweet potato
20111215
20111215
tired of being shy. kills me every time. the friendly pretty girl this morning. the wilted wallflower begging to be repotted. at least it gets plenty of water.
20111213
20111213
blissfully unaware of any dreaming this morning.
breakfast? cherry poptart.
feeling better, let's go sit in a chair for 8 hours.
breakfast? cherry poptart.
feeling better, let's go sit in a chair for 8 hours.
20111212
20111212
same old nightmare. pleading with my ex.
this time i kicked everyone out of my house to kill myself, but my brother and my ex wouldn't leave.
is it possible that i will never be able to let her go?
at this point i'm killing myself anyway, through stress. it's going to be much slower and more painful unfortunately.
this time i kicked everyone out of my house to kill myself, but my brother and my ex wouldn't leave.
is it possible that i will never be able to let her go?
at this point i'm killing myself anyway, through stress. it's going to be much slower and more painful unfortunately.
20111211
20111211
was up from midnight to 4am working on some bullshit, and i had to revert all my changes. yeah.
bacon
hot dog and saurkraut
wendy's half cobb and chili
another good song almost in the books.
teeth are fucking killing me tonight.
we attempted to go to a christmas light show at the shell. it kinda sucked. as in most everyone left promptly after it started. oh well, at least it was free.
bacon
hot dog and saurkraut
wendy's half cobb and chili
another good song almost in the books.
teeth are fucking killing me tonight.
we attempted to go to a christmas light show at the shell. it kinda sucked. as in most everyone left promptly after it started. oh well, at least it was free.
20111210
20111210
wrote a song yesterday and one today. strange.
my neck was KILLING me last night after doing some stretches. i definitely have an issue with my spine. that makes more sense than any other explanation. going to get an MRI scheduled on monday.. if i can. i probably need to .. you know.. get a doctor first. bleh.
kiddo is going to a dance recital and then to see "annie" with her aunt.. on the ex's side... who is very nice. i am going to see about going down to visit my friends, and then i have some maintenance to do around midnight for work.
breakfast: bacon and leftover baby cereal
lunch: chicken breast and random shit
ran 2 mi in the cold today. i'm not going out without a fight.
my neck was KILLING me last night after doing some stretches. i definitely have an issue with my spine. that makes more sense than any other explanation. going to get an MRI scheduled on monday.. if i can. i probably need to .. you know.. get a doctor first. bleh.
kiddo is going to a dance recital and then to see "annie" with her aunt.. on the ex's side... who is very nice. i am going to see about going down to visit my friends, and then i have some maintenance to do around midnight for work.
breakfast: bacon and leftover baby cereal
lunch: chicken breast and random shit
ran 2 mi in the cold today. i'm not going out without a fight.
20111207
20111207
so the surgery is done it's 6:30 pm i'm home alone (parents took kiddo with them, as she has tomorrow off school) and everything feels relatively good. i'm kinda curious whether when i awaken from whatever nap/sleep i end up taking whether my face will be swollen, but no real swelling as of yet. i had some pain earlier this afternoon while my folks were still around and just took an advil. i'm saving the hydrocodone for my vacation. lol.
20111206
20111206-2
Signed a petition for "Americans Elect" from a girl named Mary today. Supposedly a third party electoral thing. I don't usually sign these.. but it was a girl named Mary. I guess that's all it takes.
20111204
20111203
20111203
finally back at home. i'm still a little woozy at times, but i'm trying to stay as hydrated as possible.
20111202
20111202-2
well it's the morning and i'm still here. that's the good news. taking today off work again to rest and recuperate. have a dentist appt scheduled for tuesday. hope i make it. kiddo is going off with the ex tonight so i won't see her until late saturday evening. my whole world has been turned upside down on this thing, and i feel like just sitting here for awhile, until i can get my bearings. bleh.
20111202
well, i almost checked out for good last night. after lifting weights earlier in the day, i went back to work, picked up my kid, came home, had dinner, and was about to read to her and put her to bed, when.. she had a little energy left and wanted to play tag. we were just running around the house and all of a sudden i was hopelessly dizzy. i laughed at first but then i realized this was serious. my entire world moved inexorably to the left. i went down somewhat hard to the floor, but managed to get into a seated position. the intense dizziness would persist for the next 4-5 hours. my daughter freaked out but i somehow kept my composure enough to get her to get my phone, as my dizziness was showing no signs of letting up. i called my mom and barely remember the conversation.
miraculously, my brother was less than a mile away at a hardware store, and was at my door in less than five minutes. my sister came over a little later and shuffled kiddo off to her house for the night, and my brother took me to the emergency room.
i'm sure the hospital people thought i was drunk, shuffling into there in my work shoes and crappy jacket telling them i was suffering from dizziness. i got back there and as the nurse started to take my blood pressure i immediately vomited, as the nausea finally took its toll. i was mostly incoherent in the hospital, but i remember an EKG, a cat scan, peeing in a cup, and a nurse who turned my arm into a mess doing bloodwork.
the doc finally came in and mostly talked to my mom, as i was a sweaty babbling eyes-closed fool. they put me on a saline IV and pumped a liter of water into me and i seemed to recover a little composure. his diagnosis was vertigo brought on by dehydration.
well it's been 24 hours and i can tell you i've never drank more liquid in my entire life. i'm still not 100% and am worried that it's my inner ear, or possibly this broken wisdom tooth (!) that i've neglected for more than a year. i'm going to call the dentist in the morning.
i guess what i'm saying is that this was a wake up call, and i want to live. seeing the face of my daughter as i was going through this was more motivation that i ever could have hoped for. i hope this never happens again.
my family has been amazing during this, as usual. my sister got m to school and my mom picked her up and brought my dog down here to my parents house, where i've apparently set up camp. i have an important mtg tomorrow at work that i may have to call into (or ask for a reschedule). the vertigo is still coming and going but not nearly as intense as it was. it's more like, i'll get up and all of a sudden i'll be listing to the left like i'm on a boat. the fact that it's still around 24 hours later coupled with the acute onset has me scared as hell.
i'm going to question everything now of course.. stress, diet, exercise, etc. this is seemingly my healthiest year physical wise (and my worst year emotional wise).. it's really no surprise which side is winning. i'm about damn ready for this year to be over though i'll tell you that.
i need to have some friends in my life. being isolated has given me no solace. /sigh
here's the workout of doom, as i'll call it.. don't try this at home?
•Barbell Squat:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•205 lb x 3 reps (+90 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Barbell Deadlift:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Barbell Bench Press:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
miraculously, my brother was less than a mile away at a hardware store, and was at my door in less than five minutes. my sister came over a little later and shuffled kiddo off to her house for the night, and my brother took me to the emergency room.
i'm sure the hospital people thought i was drunk, shuffling into there in my work shoes and crappy jacket telling them i was suffering from dizziness. i got back there and as the nurse started to take my blood pressure i immediately vomited, as the nausea finally took its toll. i was mostly incoherent in the hospital, but i remember an EKG, a cat scan, peeing in a cup, and a nurse who turned my arm into a mess doing bloodwork.
the doc finally came in and mostly talked to my mom, as i was a sweaty babbling eyes-closed fool. they put me on a saline IV and pumped a liter of water into me and i seemed to recover a little composure. his diagnosis was vertigo brought on by dehydration.
well it's been 24 hours and i can tell you i've never drank more liquid in my entire life. i'm still not 100% and am worried that it's my inner ear, or possibly this broken wisdom tooth (!) that i've neglected for more than a year. i'm going to call the dentist in the morning.
i guess what i'm saying is that this was a wake up call, and i want to live. seeing the face of my daughter as i was going through this was more motivation that i ever could have hoped for. i hope this never happens again.
my family has been amazing during this, as usual. my sister got m to school and my mom picked her up and brought my dog down here to my parents house, where i've apparently set up camp. i have an important mtg tomorrow at work that i may have to call into (or ask for a reschedule). the vertigo is still coming and going but not nearly as intense as it was. it's more like, i'll get up and all of a sudden i'll be listing to the left like i'm on a boat. the fact that it's still around 24 hours later coupled with the acute onset has me scared as hell.
i'm going to question everything now of course.. stress, diet, exercise, etc. this is seemingly my healthiest year physical wise (and my worst year emotional wise).. it's really no surprise which side is winning. i'm about damn ready for this year to be over though i'll tell you that.
i need to have some friends in my life. being isolated has given me no solace. /sigh
here's the workout of doom, as i'll call it.. don't try this at home?
•Barbell Squat:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•205 lb x 3 reps (+90 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Barbell Deadlift:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Barbell Bench Press:
•135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
•Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
•90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
20111130
20111130-2
so i go from suicidal daydreams of calling my ex over the holidays to tell her to take good care of my kid, to lifting weights and feeling better. i may seriously need meds. or someone to talk to. now i just have to find someone i won't run away from...
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 3 reps (+90 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 3 reps (+90 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
20111130
ugh. fought with m to get her up and ready. she didn't touch her breakfast, didn't want to wear her tights even though it was freezing, her shoelace broke, asked me to watch tv even though i said no more tv in the mornings. it was just tense and terrible, and it's left me depressed.
you won't see me anymore
left unnoticed
the prey assumes it's safe
walking from face to face
silent stares for a forest of eyes
uncomprehending as they pass on by
a million million short stories
drafted with a broken cast of characters
a former footnote, edited out
still around, somewhere between the lines
i feel like i'm getting close now. even the blue skies are grey.
you won't see me anymore
left unnoticed
the prey assumes it's safe
walking from face to face
silent stares for a forest of eyes
uncomprehending as they pass on by
a million million short stories
drafted with a broken cast of characters
a former footnote, edited out
still around, somewhere between the lines
i feel like i'm getting close now. even the blue skies are grey.
20111129
20111129
breakfast was skipped again.
today is the ex's birthday. fuck her.
yeah yeah i'll have kiddo give her a call after work.
lunch was provided by vendors. a philly chicken salad from lenny's. 3/4 meetings complete. go me. reading through "starting strength" on a work-provided tablet.
dinner was salmon+mayo+pickles+tomatoes and then some greek yogurt + protein powder for dessert. i really didn't need the protein but oh well.
today is the ex's birthday. fuck her.
yeah yeah i'll have kiddo give her a call after work.
lunch was provided by vendors. a philly chicken salad from lenny's. 3/4 meetings complete. go me. reading through "starting strength" on a work-provided tablet.
dinner was salmon+mayo+pickles+tomatoes and then some greek yogurt + protein powder for dessert. i really didn't need the protein but oh well.
20111128
20111128
no brekkie
leftover soup, half a banana and ab
a large sweet potato for dinner, and some random jerky
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Shrug:
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
Standing Barbell Calf Raise:
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
leftover soup, half a banana and ab
a large sweet potato for dinner, and some random jerky
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Shrug:
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
Standing Barbell Calf Raise:
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
95 lb x 10 reps (+12 pts)
20111127
20111127
woke up around 10:30.
two eggs.
grocery shopping.
protein with greek yogurt.
making soup she probably won't eat.
bored.
a wonderful series of texts between me and the ex, and i feel like turd now. how can she still ruin my day so effortlessly. she still has power over me. totally undateable. she has pestered me about returning a voicemail her dad left me last week, and by pester i mean, she told m to tell me to call him, she texted me three times and emailed once.
today's text message transcript (for posterity):
ex: please call my dad.
me: you are annoying. this is my week off, i answer the phone for two people: my boss and my family, and he ain't either. i'll call him from work this week. you found someone else to nag the fuck out of with your control freak bullshit, remember
ex: you are the control freak, asshole. he called you on TUESDAY, for fucks sake. you cannot continue to ignore my family because you don't like me. they are still m's grandparents and aunts and they would like to be in touch. just because she lives with you does not give you the right to shut people out when you feel pissy. get over yourself.
me: he didn't call to talk to her, he called to talk to me. you have nothing to do with it (as usual)
ex: i know that. the point is, it would be nice for you to return calls in a timely fashion, particularly about the holidays and about her!!
me: the point is, you are trying to control something you have zero to do with (as usual)
ex: my dad has asked ME twice why you haven't called back, so I do have something to do with it. It has been made my concern because you won't do something as fucking simple as calling him back.
me: neither of them responded to my x-mas list, but both your sisters did
me: and you fired off your mouth with some accusatory nonsense when i was trying to be nice
ex: maybe they've been waiting to see what everyone else is doing so there is no doubling of gifts. maybe that's what he wants to talk to you about. i have no clue. point is, it's about m. maybe you don't answer me but at least answer them. being nice? since when?
me: i gave them a list of x-mas items in november. they're hosting x-mas morning, my family isn't going to buy anything until they've gotten whatever they're getting. but really, all of this is completely immaterial to me. whats on my mind is how much my daughter is dreading spending 12 hrs in a car with you.
me: and how much i'm going to miss her during the holidays
ex: what has she said? you didn't tell any of us that you were buying for her AFTER our christmas. so how are we supposed to know that?
me: what are we going to tell her, dumbass, "Santa showed up the weekend before Christmas with your gifts, sweetie"
ex: right, because she still spends at least one night away from you on the weekends you do have her. go get drunk and spend time with your friends. take a break.
me: i haven't had a drink of anything in a year.
ex: how about gifts from her family? santa can leave shit at your house while she's gone but not everything is santa.
me: this whole thing is your stupid need to avoid being upstaged, god it's so fucking tiresome.
ex: why do you go to zoo brew then? doesn't matter. point is have some time to yourself. i don't care about being upstaged. i don't even know what the fuck that means. y'all do your celebration, we'll do ours. i just want to make sure she doesn't receive doubles of her gifts! she doesn't need two dolls, two whatevers.
me: my family will most likely be getting her things not on that list so don't worry about duplicate toys
ex: ok, whatever.
ex: by the way, i expect to hear from her on my bday. i dont expect you to take her to get me a card but I would like her to call me.
me: don't even presume to talk to me about where she and I go or stay on our time. I'll do you the same courtesy, because neither of us care to know.
-- that was apparently the end of the conversation, as i didn't get a response --
put my kid in her bed tonight and she says "i know why you and mommy got a divorce. you both wanted to take care of me equally and you fought and mommy decided to leave." what do you say to that, exactly?
two eggs.
grocery shopping.
protein with greek yogurt.
making soup she probably won't eat.
bored.
a wonderful series of texts between me and the ex, and i feel like turd now. how can she still ruin my day so effortlessly. she still has power over me. totally undateable. she has pestered me about returning a voicemail her dad left me last week, and by pester i mean, she told m to tell me to call him, she texted me three times and emailed once.
today's text message transcript (for posterity):
ex: please call my dad.
me: you are annoying. this is my week off, i answer the phone for two people: my boss and my family, and he ain't either. i'll call him from work this week. you found someone else to nag the fuck out of with your control freak bullshit, remember
ex: you are the control freak, asshole. he called you on TUESDAY, for fucks sake. you cannot continue to ignore my family because you don't like me. they are still m's grandparents and aunts and they would like to be in touch. just because she lives with you does not give you the right to shut people out when you feel pissy. get over yourself.
me: he didn't call to talk to her, he called to talk to me. you have nothing to do with it (as usual)
ex: i know that. the point is, it would be nice for you to return calls in a timely fashion, particularly about the holidays and about her!!
me: the point is, you are trying to control something you have zero to do with (as usual)
ex: my dad has asked ME twice why you haven't called back, so I do have something to do with it. It has been made my concern because you won't do something as fucking simple as calling him back.
me: neither of them responded to my x-mas list, but both your sisters did
me: and you fired off your mouth with some accusatory nonsense when i was trying to be nice
ex: maybe they've been waiting to see what everyone else is doing so there is no doubling of gifts. maybe that's what he wants to talk to you about. i have no clue. point is, it's about m. maybe you don't answer me but at least answer them. being nice? since when?
me: i gave them a list of x-mas items in november. they're hosting x-mas morning, my family isn't going to buy anything until they've gotten whatever they're getting. but really, all of this is completely immaterial to me. whats on my mind is how much my daughter is dreading spending 12 hrs in a car with you.
me: and how much i'm going to miss her during the holidays
ex: what has she said? you didn't tell any of us that you were buying for her AFTER our christmas. so how are we supposed to know that?
me: what are we going to tell her, dumbass, "Santa showed up the weekend before Christmas with your gifts, sweetie"
ex: right, because she still spends at least one night away from you on the weekends you do have her. go get drunk and spend time with your friends. take a break.
me: i haven't had a drink of anything in a year.
ex: how about gifts from her family? santa can leave shit at your house while she's gone but not everything is santa.
me: this whole thing is your stupid need to avoid being upstaged, god it's so fucking tiresome.
ex: why do you go to zoo brew then? doesn't matter. point is have some time to yourself. i don't care about being upstaged. i don't even know what the fuck that means. y'all do your celebration, we'll do ours. i just want to make sure she doesn't receive doubles of her gifts! she doesn't need two dolls, two whatevers.
me: my family will most likely be getting her things not on that list so don't worry about duplicate toys
ex: ok, whatever.
ex: by the way, i expect to hear from her on my bday. i dont expect you to take her to get me a card but I would like her to call me.
me: don't even presume to talk to me about where she and I go or stay on our time. I'll do you the same courtesy, because neither of us care to know.
-- that was apparently the end of the conversation, as i didn't get a response --
put my kid in her bed tonight and she says "i know why you and mommy got a divorce. you both wanted to take care of me equally and you fought and mommy decided to leave." what do you say to that, exactly?
20111126
20111126
she had a nightmare last night. dreamt she went on a school trip to a museum and found a working time machine and went back to before she was born. i actually recorded her explaining it to me again over lunch. poor thing.
it was supposed to be a rest day. instead, i did a little lifting. we had indian food (she loves that place) and saw the muppet movie. came home and we played kinect and danced and generally had a good day. i was somewhat in a daze. sang to her a little tonight at bedtime... i think it was sort of an homage to the last track of the white album... anyway she enjoyed it. yertle the turtle was the book. she asked if i'd ever shook dr seuss's hand.
more beatles tonight. last night i listened to the entire white album while wikipedia'ing each song for the backstory. incredibly interesting stuff. i think i'm more addicted than ever to their music because of the songwriting process and personalities. who would've known there's a song written about eric clapton's chocolate addiction?
Standing Military Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
75 lb x 10 reps (+35 pts)
85 lb x 10 reps (+39 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
i guess it's abbey road tonight.
jesus god i'm alone.
it was supposed to be a rest day. instead, i did a little lifting. we had indian food (she loves that place) and saw the muppet movie. came home and we played kinect and danced and generally had a good day. i was somewhat in a daze. sang to her a little tonight at bedtime... i think it was sort of an homage to the last track of the white album... anyway she enjoyed it. yertle the turtle was the book. she asked if i'd ever shook dr seuss's hand.
more beatles tonight. last night i listened to the entire white album while wikipedia'ing each song for the backstory. incredibly interesting stuff. i think i'm more addicted than ever to their music because of the songwriting process and personalities. who would've known there's a song written about eric clapton's chocolate addiction?
Standing Military Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
75 lb x 10 reps (+35 pts)
85 lb x 10 reps (+39 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+5 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
i guess it's abbey road tonight.
jesus god i'm alone.
20111125
20111125
nothing like starting the day off with a good solid cry.
"i'll see you in my dreams." - pappaw to m tonight
tempted to write a song about that phrase.
still dealing with ex drama. every time i reply to a text or an email i get like this deluge.
morbid song is complete. at least that's one interpretation.
breakfast? eggs
then some protein
then i ran
then i had salmon croquettes
then some more protein
still havent called the ex-FiL back. every time my ex bugs me about it i put their family in the penalty box for two days. passive aggressive? yep. therapudic? incredibly.
"i'll see you in my dreams." - pappaw to m tonight
tempted to write a song about that phrase.
still dealing with ex drama. every time i reply to a text or an email i get like this deluge.
morbid song is complete. at least that's one interpretation.
breakfast? eggs
then some protein
then i ran
then i had salmon croquettes
then some more protein
still havent called the ex-FiL back. every time my ex bugs me about it i put their family in the penalty box for two days. passive aggressive? yep. therapudic? incredibly.
20111124
20111124
three miles this morning, feeling good. sooo.... this is probably too cheesy for facebook, let's do it here.
what am i thankful for this year?
i'm thankful for my daughter. we are still a family, even if it's just the two of us (and the dog).
i'm thankful i have a cush job with flexible hours, allowing me to be an effective single parent.
i'm thankful for my health, and the ability to do the things i've done.
i'm thankful i have kind and loving parents, who are totally supportive through anything.
i'm thankful i have a roof over my head and food to eat and "stuff". although i'm not so big on "stuff" lately. seems like i've just started a cardboard box collection, thanks to amazon.
it's not been a good year for my family. divorces, evictions, deaths, etc. but i'm thankful that 2011 is almost over. because you can always start fresh. always.
what am i thankful for this year?
i'm thankful for my daughter. we are still a family, even if it's just the two of us (and the dog).
i'm thankful i have a cush job with flexible hours, allowing me to be an effective single parent.
i'm thankful for my health, and the ability to do the things i've done.
i'm thankful i have kind and loving parents, who are totally supportive through anything.
i'm thankful i have a roof over my head and food to eat and "stuff". although i'm not so big on "stuff" lately. seems like i've just started a cardboard box collection, thanks to amazon.
it's not been a good year for my family. divorces, evictions, deaths, etc. but i'm thankful that 2011 is almost over. because you can always start fresh. always.
20111123
20111123
ran a 10k yesterday. today i'm going to my sister's to work on her broken computers.
watched "tangled" last night with kiddo.. i really do like that movie. they actually made rapunzel cool.
had some egg casserole this morning.
protein shake for "lunch". kiddo is with my sister tonight. i'm weightlifting. i guess. crazy family drama sure does help in hardening the shell. speaking of which.. good god i could go for some magic shell. i love that shit.
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Standing Military Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
watched "tangled" last night with kiddo.. i really do like that movie. they actually made rapunzel cool.
had some egg casserole this morning.
protein shake for "lunch". kiddo is with my sister tonight. i'm weightlifting. i guess. crazy family drama sure does help in hardening the shell. speaking of which.. good god i could go for some magic shell. i love that shit.
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Standing Military Press:
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+30 pts)
Triceps Pushdown - Rope Attachment:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
20111121
20111121
of all the amazingly shit luck happenstance coincidences, my kid is not feeling well at all this morning. that would be the morning of my week off work, when i was supposed to devote myself to running and lifting. yes i know what you're saying, priorities, priorities.. but my kid wasn't sick before my ex picked her up. she's sure as fuck sick now. which begs the question, wtf happened to do this to her??
eggs and shit
ice cream and pb (at least it was low carb)
hamburgers
i'm stressed and full of energy but my back is giving me pause. motherfucker!@#!@#!@#!@#\
i refuse to give up without a fight.
eggs and shit
ice cream and pb (at least it was low carb)
hamburgers
i'm stressed and full of energy but my back is giving me pause. motherfucker!@#!@#!@#!@#\
i refuse to give up without a fight.
20111120
20111120
i'm sleeping a lot, never a good sign. up at 8:30. had a banana and some pb. my back is unhappy with me. more crazyass dreams. song sounds interesting.
so kiddo didn't sleep well and threw up all night i'm told by my ex, who delivered her on time for my oldest brother's 25th anniversary of his ordination. she was a trooper during the service, although she laid down in the pew until the end. got a hug from one of the ex's cousins going out. yet another odd social circumstance. we get home and my kid pukes again. she is now in bed relaxing.
banana for breakfast
leftover spicy bison stew
i've decided i'm not going to eat anything else today. i need to curb my eating since i'm not running. tomorrow morning the goal is to get her to school and then hit the roads hard, and lift at night. assuming my body cooperates.
so kiddo didn't sleep well and threw up all night i'm told by my ex, who delivered her on time for my oldest brother's 25th anniversary of his ordination. she was a trooper during the service, although she laid down in the pew until the end. got a hug from one of the ex's cousins going out. yet another odd social circumstance. we get home and my kid pukes again. she is now in bed relaxing.
banana for breakfast
leftover spicy bison stew
i've decided i'm not going to eat anything else today. i need to curb my eating since i'm not running. tomorrow morning the goal is to get her to school and then hit the roads hard, and lift at night. assuming my body cooperates.
20111119
20111119
4:30 in the morning. the dog woke me up, and i can't go back to sleep. but he sure as fuck can.. i know because there he is asleep on the couch. i want to go give him a bath or something just to keep his ass awake too. little bastard.
6:30 in the morning. woke up again with a completely dry mouth and vague memories of a crazy dream involving an old friend getting married and all i wanted to do was run down barefoot to the ocean. i didn't have any dress clothes and a million little things happened along the way until i awoke feeling drugged. i feel confident anyone seeing me walk the dog would have called the police. still feeling very very woozy so i'm going back to bed.
11:30 in the morning. ended up talking the dog on a long walk because my back went out while playing video games on the couch. the intent was to run this morning and lift this afternoon. not sure if i'll do either now. the house is a wreck, the yard is a wreck, my life is a wreck. ssdd.
latest quote from my ruined mind: "live and die by the code of i"
5:30 in the evening. have a new chord progression i'm kicking around. just need a subject.
10:55 subject acquired, writing commencing.
protein shake
random shit
bison stew
6:30 in the morning. woke up again with a completely dry mouth and vague memories of a crazy dream involving an old friend getting married and all i wanted to do was run down barefoot to the ocean. i didn't have any dress clothes and a million little things happened along the way until i awoke feeling drugged. i feel confident anyone seeing me walk the dog would have called the police. still feeling very very woozy so i'm going back to bed.
11:30 in the morning. ended up talking the dog on a long walk because my back went out while playing video games on the couch. the intent was to run this morning and lift this afternoon. not sure if i'll do either now. the house is a wreck, the yard is a wreck, my life is a wreck. ssdd.
latest quote from my ruined mind: "live and die by the code of i"
5:30 in the evening. have a new chord progression i'm kicking around. just need a subject.
10:55 subject acquired, writing commencing.
protein shake
random shit
bison stew
20111118
20111118
insane calf cramp to wake me up at 6. dog was whining so i zombied out into the neighborhood for a bit. yay fridays. it's 6:30 and kiddo just woke up, i hear her wandering down the hallway. am i running or lifting this weekend. i need some motivation (read: sex).
breakfast has been skipped. two meetings this morning, afternoon at work and then i won't see this place again for an entire week.
sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers (again)
banana and peanut butter mid-workout
homemade cobb salad
talking to that cunt tonight was the best motivation ever.. i got PRs on the squat and the deadlift! maybe i should call her up right before each workout. or not!
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
good music = motivation! some great gains tonight
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Triceps Pushdown:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
Push-Up:
10 reps (+15 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
breakfast has been skipped. two meetings this morning, afternoon at work and then i won't see this place again for an entire week.
sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers (again)
banana and peanut butter mid-workout
homemade cobb salad
talking to that cunt tonight was the best motivation ever.. i got PRs on the squat and the deadlift! maybe i should call her up right before each workout. or not!
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+72 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
good music = motivation! some great gains tonight
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
205 lb x 5 reps (+95 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Triceps Pushdown:
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
Push-Up:
10 reps (+15 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
20111117
20111117
considered sending her a text this morning, then thought better of it.
there are no more anniversaries for us.
it wasn't going to say happy anniversary or anything, i'm not that delusional.. something like, "have a great day, from somebody you used to know". it's sad. we'll never even be friends. in other news, i can't seem to reconnect to society. this morning feels like failure.
got onto kiddo this morning because she didn't eat her breakfast and instead watched tv. tv has been banned in the mornings (because.. she doesn't eat her breakfast ;) "daddy you're not getting a goodbye kiss" but that's okay. the life of a father.
egg muffins
hamburger and salad
sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers
alright, back at home for lunch, all christmas stuff has been divvied up. i basically gave her all the shit i dislike. anything with glitter, anything that makes noise. i probably shouldn't give her anything but it's kinda like taking that stuff to the trash anyway. literally.
way too much food today.
plus bitchface decided to call tonight and ruin it further. i have no energy now. fuck!
fell asleep at like 8:30 after reading to kiddo, too stressed to do otherwise. happy anniversary, world. go fuck yourself.
there are no more anniversaries for us.
it wasn't going to say happy anniversary or anything, i'm not that delusional.. something like, "have a great day, from somebody you used to know". it's sad. we'll never even be friends. in other news, i can't seem to reconnect to society. this morning feels like failure.
got onto kiddo this morning because she didn't eat her breakfast and instead watched tv. tv has been banned in the mornings (because.. she doesn't eat her breakfast ;) "daddy you're not getting a goodbye kiss" but that's okay. the life of a father.
egg muffins
hamburger and salad
sirloin, sweet potato, veggie skewers
alright, back at home for lunch, all christmas stuff has been divvied up. i basically gave her all the shit i dislike. anything with glitter, anything that makes noise. i probably shouldn't give her anything but it's kinda like taking that stuff to the trash anyway. literally.
way too much food today.
plus bitchface decided to call tonight and ruin it further. i have no energy now. fuck!
fell asleep at like 8:30 after reading to kiddo, too stressed to do otherwise. happy anniversary, world. go fuck yourself.
20111116
20111116
somewhat more stable this morning.
tomorrow would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. not sure how i'll "celebrate" that occasion.
m saw me looking at myself in the mirror this morning, and before we left for school she sat me on the couch and told me "it doesn't matter how big or small you are, all you have to do was show someone what's in here" (and she pointed to her heart). she almost teared up. i told her everything was going to be okay, but the truth is that my heart is broken, and i don't want to show that to anyone.
maybe i'm not more stable this morning.
skipped breakfast, unless you count chewing gum.
lunch was a grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese.
dinner was some nasty hamburger and a protein shake.
rest day.
tomorrow would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. not sure how i'll "celebrate" that occasion.
m saw me looking at myself in the mirror this morning, and before we left for school she sat me on the couch and told me "it doesn't matter how big or small you are, all you have to do was show someone what's in here" (and she pointed to her heart). she almost teared up. i told her everything was going to be okay, but the truth is that my heart is broken, and i don't want to show that to anyone.
maybe i'm not more stable this morning.
skipped breakfast, unless you count chewing gum.
lunch was a grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese.
dinner was some nasty hamburger and a protein shake.
rest day.
20111115
20111115
restraint. it is the word that stifles what i am, every single day.
i show restraint online, in that i am still connected to my ex's family. i want to rant and rave as i have seen others do.. although it wouldn't do any good really.... it'd just be flippant, redactive therapy for me.
i show restraint with my family, in that i continue to portray myself as a catholic when i have lost my faith a long time ago. would coming clean ruin my parents? possibly. no earthly accomplishment counts for anything compared to being a sycophant to the church, something i seem unable to do consistently even with the trauma of divorce. i think certain people need religion, but today, this morning, i am not one of them.
i could lie and say i'm showing restraint by not dating, but that would also be a lie. it's fear. i'm going to lift for about six months, check back with my mind on my body image, and go from there. if i make it. i am still having nightmares and suicidal thoughts constantly. the other day it was me hanging from a belt tied around my squat rack. i have filled my day with distractions and addictions but occasionally that fog of ephemeral materialistic bullshit clears and i have a short-lived epiphany of being, a realization of the loneliness that tears me apart. a rejection of self and others.
the rain is bringing the cold, and i am ready for it to seep into my bones and hopefully rob me of the ability to overthink my human condition.
oh and the whole food thing. i suppose you could consider my current diet restraint. who knows if it'll pan out or pain out.
lift day.
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Stiff Leg Barbell Good Morning:
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
Push-Up:
25 reps (+37 pts)
15 reps (+22 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
Lying Barbell Triceps Extension ("Skullcrusher"):
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+7 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Reverse Barbell Curl:
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
skipped breakfast
homemade salad
two hot dogs and saurkraut
protein shake
i show restraint online, in that i am still connected to my ex's family. i want to rant and rave as i have seen others do.. although it wouldn't do any good really.... it'd just be flippant, redactive therapy for me.
i show restraint with my family, in that i continue to portray myself as a catholic when i have lost my faith a long time ago. would coming clean ruin my parents? possibly. no earthly accomplishment counts for anything compared to being a sycophant to the church, something i seem unable to do consistently even with the trauma of divorce. i think certain people need religion, but today, this morning, i am not one of them.
i could lie and say i'm showing restraint by not dating, but that would also be a lie. it's fear. i'm going to lift for about six months, check back with my mind on my body image, and go from there. if i make it. i am still having nightmares and suicidal thoughts constantly. the other day it was me hanging from a belt tied around my squat rack. i have filled my day with distractions and addictions but occasionally that fog of ephemeral materialistic bullshit clears and i have a short-lived epiphany of being, a realization of the loneliness that tears me apart. a rejection of self and others.
the rain is bringing the cold, and i am ready for it to seep into my bones and hopefully rob me of the ability to overthink my human condition.
oh and the whole food thing. i suppose you could consider my current diet restraint. who knows if it'll pan out or pain out.
lift day.
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+63 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+86 pts)
Stiff Leg Barbell Good Morning:
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+17 pts)
Push-Up:
25 reps (+37 pts)
15 reps (+22 pts)
10 reps (+15 pts)
Lying Barbell Triceps Extension ("Skullcrusher"):
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+7 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Reverse Barbell Curl:
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
40 lb x 10 reps (+8 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
skipped breakfast
homemade salad
two hot dogs and saurkraut
protein shake
20111114
20111114
FML
egg muffins
chicken breast/salad bar at jason's deli
sweet potato
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 20 reps (+89 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 10 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 10 reps (+62 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
so freaking windy this weekend. i got to watch a tree fall actually at my parents house.
nothing can prepare you for the randomness of divorce. she moves out the week before xmas, and i get a text today, 11 months later, asking me to bring all the xmas stuff down from the attic and allow her to go through it.
my response: lol
egg muffins
chicken breast/salad bar at jason's deli
sweet potato
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 20 reps (+89 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 10 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 10 reps (+62 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
so freaking windy this weekend. i got to watch a tree fall actually at my parents house.
nothing can prepare you for the randomness of divorce. she moves out the week before xmas, and i get a text today, 11 months later, asking me to bring all the xmas stuff down from the attic and allow her to go through it.
my response: lol
20111113
20111113
windy this morning, going to attempt a run before breakfast. i should really cancel my phone service.
decent run i guess.. logged on fitocracy. finished my grocery shopping before the christians invaded this morning.
egg muffin
turkey/cheese/bacon
protein shake
meat, veggies, etc
the ex told me to buy the gift and ship it down there. i am not surprised in the least. ;)
decent run i guess.. logged on fitocracy. finished my grocery shopping before the christians invaded this morning.
egg muffin
turkey/cheese/bacon
protein shake
meat, veggies, etc
the ex told me to buy the gift and ship it down there. i am not surprised in the least. ;)
20111112
20111112
lift day.
egg muffins
hamburger salad
spicy beef stew
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Shrug:
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
Pendlay Row:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Standing Overhead Barbell Triceps Extension:
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
Standing Military Press:
45 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
egg muffins
hamburger salad
spicy beef stew
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Shrug:
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
135 lb x 10 reps (+27 pts)
Pendlay Row:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
Seated Cable Row:
90 lb x 10 reps (+25 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
110 lb x 10 reps (+31 pts)
Standing Overhead Barbell Triceps Extension:
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
45 lb x 10 reps (+6 pts)
Standing Military Press:
45 lb x 10 reps (+20 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
65 lb x 5 reps (+26 pts)
20111111
20111111
run day.
two egg muffins
various meats and cheeses, banana, pb, protein powder
tuna salad and sweet potato
kiddo won a "high school musical" chapter book from a drawing at the library at school today. we get in the car and she asks me to turn the radio off.. so she can read. when we get home, she throws on some other clothes and sits quietly on the couch, reading her book. it's times like this when i am ... is honored the right word? ... to be her dad.
two egg muffins
various meats and cheeses, banana, pb, protein powder
tuna salad and sweet potato
kiddo won a "high school musical" chapter book from a drawing at the library at school today. we get in the car and she asks me to turn the radio off.. so she can read. when we get home, she throws on some other clothes and sits quietly on the couch, reading her book. it's times like this when i am ... is honored the right word? ... to be her dad.
20111110
20111110
balogna, hot dog, cheese
protein shake with banana post-workout
club salad at jason's deli
beautiful full moon tonight.
lift day.
had to deal with more bitchface drama today. i send a christmas list to the former inlaws and sister-in-laws and ex replies with:
Why don't we go in on the doll together? Would it be acceptable to you to allow it to be opened at my family's, or are you going to make sure the most awesome gifts come from you/your family?
seriously. i think she's legally retarded. my reply, which i copied to her whole family:
I don't care who buys her what. Christmas is not an arms race. I was giving you and your family a chance to get some things first, because I *want* her to open the gift(s) she wants the most on Christmas morning... and the doll is at the top of that list. If it means I buy the doll and ship it to you guys, fine, just let me know. I am not interested in going in on the doll with you.
retarded.
protein shake with banana post-workout
club salad at jason's deli
beautiful full moon tonight.
lift day.
had to deal with more bitchface drama today. i send a christmas list to the former inlaws and sister-in-laws and ex replies with:
Why don't we go in on the doll together? Would it be acceptable to you to allow it to be opened at my family's, or are you going to make sure the most awesome gifts come from you/your family?
seriously. i think she's legally retarded. my reply, which i copied to her whole family:
I don't care who buys her what. Christmas is not an arms race. I was giving you and your family a chance to get some things first, because I *want* her to open the gift(s) she wants the most on Christmas morning... and the doll is at the top of that list. If it means I buy the doll and ship it to you guys, fine, just let me know. I am not interested in going in on the doll with you.
retarded.
20111109
20111109
monotony shouts idle threats across the bow of a ship buried at the bottom of the sea.
somewhere down below, a wish (or a promise) is scrawled and bottled away. safe. for now.
protein powder and coconut milk for breakfast
chicken salad with feta
a little bit of fish which was gross and then an amazing baked sweet potato
stomach is trying to revolt on me.
"When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house"
- passive-aggressive gold medalist
somewhere down below, a wish (or a promise) is scrawled and bottled away. safe. for now.
protein powder and coconut milk for breakfast
chicken salad with feta
a little bit of fish which was gross and then an amazing baked sweet potato
stomach is trying to revolt on me.
"When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house"
- passive-aggressive gold medalist
20111108
20111108
every day the counter resets. must remember this.
breakfast: two hard boiled eggs
roast beef rollups, banana, ab
muscle milk + coconut milk
steak
breakfast: two hard boiled eggs
roast beef rollups, banana, ab
muscle milk + coconut milk
steak
20111107
20111107-3
need to start logging my meals again..
one piece of balogna, one piece of cheese, one piece of bacon
homemade cobb salad (two eggs, bacon, feta cheese and salad mix)
pb
baked sweet potato.. finally done right. only took two hours
kiddo might have RLS. fantastic.
or i could stop freaking out and realize its growing pains coupled with dance class.
one piece of balogna, one piece of cheese, one piece of bacon
homemade cobb salad (two eggs, bacon, feta cheese and salad mix)
pb
baked sweet potato.. finally done right. only took two hours
kiddo might have RLS. fantastic.
or i could stop freaking out and realize its growing pains coupled with dance class.
20111107
time folds inward toward itself
beckoning for tacit compliance
important dates draw near again
now turned meaningless forever
still they shall be silently observed
feigned reverence and custom aside
with the usual dignity and grandeur
past a sieve of unwavering resolve
each nightmare merely a reminder
of the inevitability of choice
and the consequences therein
beckoning for tacit compliance
important dates draw near again
now turned meaningless forever
still they shall be silently observed
feigned reverence and custom aside
with the usual dignity and grandeur
past a sieve of unwavering resolve
each nightmare merely a reminder
of the inevitability of choice
and the consequences therein
20111106
20111105-2
some new PRs this morning!
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
lifting great this morning! all calf soreness from running yesterday is history.
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
haha.. wasn't paying attention and racked 25s instead of 10s, and managed to bench 185. i blame pantera.
Pull-Up:
5 reps (+40 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
70 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
Reverse Cable Curl:
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
Barbell Deadlift:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
lifting great this morning! all calf soreness from running yesterday is history.
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
185 lb x 5 reps (+64 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
haha.. wasn't paying attention and racked 25s instead of 10s, and managed to bench 185. i blame pantera.
Pull-Up:
5 reps (+40 pts)
Wide-Grip Lat Pulldown:
70 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+24 pts)
Reverse Cable Curl:
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
20111105
i won't take up any more of your time.
The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you're a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.
- Henry Rollins
The Iron never lies to you. You can walk outside and listen to all kinds of talk, get told that you're a god or a total bastard. The Iron will always kick you the real deal. The Iron is the great reference point, the all-knowing perspective giver. Always there like a beacon in the pitch black. I have found the Iron to be my greatest friend. It never freaks out on me, never runs. Friends may come and go. But two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.
- Henry Rollins
20111104
20111104
live your fairy tale
on somebody else's unhappy ending
fill the void with new memories
stamp out the old ones at will
accuse deny and capitulate
the cornerstone of your acceptance
post new pictures, toss the others
whatever makes you feel better
on somebody else's unhappy ending
fill the void with new memories
stamp out the old ones at will
accuse deny and capitulate
the cornerstone of your acceptance
post new pictures, toss the others
whatever makes you feel better
20111028
20111028
first real routine on the power cage. ignore the fitocracy points... didn't feel like editing them out. hope i can walk tomorrow!
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Deadlift:
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Push-Up:
20 reps (+30 pts)
Reverse Cable Curl:
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
Pull-Up:
5 reps (+40 pts)
Lat Pulldown:
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
meals today:
banana and pb, almonds
three hard boiled eggs, baby carrots, apple
broiled cod, peas, some rice
Barbell Squat:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Bench Press:
135 lb x 5 reps (+47 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Barbell Deadlift:
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
155 lb x 5 reps (+54 pts)
Push-Up:
20 reps (+30 pts)
Reverse Cable Curl:
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
50 lb x 10 reps (+10 pts)
Pull-Up:
5 reps (+40 pts)
Lat Pulldown:
70 lb x 10 reps (+14 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
90 lb x 10 reps (+18 pts)
meals today:
banana and pb, almonds
three hard boiled eggs, baby carrots, apple
broiled cod, peas, some rice
20111024
20111024
so in an effort to bring back my lost creative spark, i'm again writing a little poetry here and there. this was from my walk with the dog this morning at 5:30. Not sure why I was up an hour before the alarm but it was dark and foggy and somewhat inspirational.
A fine mist encumbers the fog
Encompassing the winnowy dew
Silence of nature's cacophony
Subduing and swirling through
The wind never asks a question
As it knows it's always the answer
And with those services rendered
Moves on and up, a limitless dancer
There lies our simple encouragement
Set forth in a morning's lesson
To change on our own terms
Only there lies true perfection
i am trying to write a song about acceptance. the irony that it's difficult to write is not entirely lost on me.
A fine mist encumbers the fog
Encompassing the winnowy dew
Silence of nature's cacophony
Subduing and swirling through
The wind never asks a question
As it knows it's always the answer
And with those services rendered
Moves on and up, a limitless dancer
There lies our simple encouragement
Set forth in a morning's lesson
To change on our own terms
Only there lies true perfection
i am trying to write a song about acceptance. the irony that it's difficult to write is not entirely lost on me.
20111023
20111023
finished star of the week poster. wrote star of the week journal entry. took her to see "dolphin tale". went to the park. built a fort in the power cage. took a dog on a walk. gave her a bath. sniffed myself too. let's see, wtf have i eaten today
beef jerky and sour cream
balogna and cheese
apple and pb
two egg muffins
beef jerky and sour cream
balogna and cheese
apple and pb
two egg muffins
20111022
20111022
the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
they push and shove and won't bend to your will.. i'll keep them still
had a grouper salad at the cajun place. it was good. watched my alma mater do well, then came home and they ended up losing. got kiddo back and we went to a cousin's birthday party. also, i met bitchface's boyfriend. anti-climatic.
ran four miles. ate some stuff. rinse and repeat. until i die.
they push and shove and won't bend to your will.. i'll keep them still
had a grouper salad at the cajun place. it was good. watched my alma mater do well, then came home and they ended up losing. got kiddo back and we went to a cousin's birthday party. also, i met bitchface's boyfriend. anti-climatic.
ran four miles. ate some stuff. rinse and repeat. until i die.
20111021
20111021
this is an example of shitty parenting, recorded for posterity:
my ex calls kiddo earlier this week, tells her she's going to the zoo to a special halloween event. tells her a friend of hers from a few years ago will be there. now in reality, ex is friends with this other girl's mother. anyway, kiddo is super excited all week to see her "old friend" again. today rolls around, ex arrives to pick up kiddo, tells her "it'll just be us tonight, your friend can't come", at which point kiddo starts to sniffle and tear up. so why bother telling her earlier in the week? well, it's because my ex sets herself up to fail over and over again, and apparently wants to instill that shitty quality in her daughter.
now back to assembling the squat cage.
my ex calls kiddo earlier this week, tells her she's going to the zoo to a special halloween event. tells her a friend of hers from a few years ago will be there. now in reality, ex is friends with this other girl's mother. anyway, kiddo is super excited all week to see her "old friend" again. today rolls around, ex arrives to pick up kiddo, tells her "it'll just be us tonight, your friend can't come", at which point kiddo starts to sniffle and tear up. so why bother telling her earlier in the week? well, it's because my ex sets herself up to fail over and over again, and apparently wants to instill that shitty quality in her daughter.
now back to assembling the squat cage.
20111020
20111018
20111018
she's not a gold digger. she's a soul digger.
also, i'm a bad person. i just realized. i don't deserve much.
breakfast: sweet potato
also, i'm a bad person. i just realized. i don't deserve much.
breakfast: sweet potato
20111017
20111017
skipped breakfast
hot dog, banana and almond butter
almonds
egg muffins
today was a run day. went frontfoot strike on the first mile and now my calves are singing but i made it three. i would have preferred four but im pretty sure my legs would have exploded. i still need to get some vibrams.
hot dog, banana and almond butter
almonds
egg muffins
today was a run day. went frontfoot strike on the first mile and now my calves are singing but i made it three. i would have preferred four but im pretty sure my legs would have exploded. i still need to get some vibrams.
20111016
20111016-2
lessee
three eggs (hard boiled) and three sausage links
almond butter and dark chocolate
more almond butter
hot dog and mixed veggies
balogna
three eggs (hard boiled) and three sausage links
almond butter and dark chocolate
more almond butter
hot dog and mixed veggies
balogna
20111016
verge of tears. good name for a song. it's been me all morning. ate too much this morning, fucked up my foot courtesy of a shovel yesterday, so i can't run. went to church (why i don't know), but it was overall a positive experience. i think i wanted to give thanks for getting back safely from my trip and for my presentation going well. i am by nature an indecisive person. it sucks, and i know i have to work on it. religion is the worst aspect of this. i listen to metal, and most of the time i consider myself agnostic. but sometimes the pendulum swings this way or that. i wish i had the luxury of a conviction of faith, but it has never happened. will it? who knows. eventually i should just decide.
i stare at the moms at church and wonder if i'd be happy with one of them. i stare at the women at the grocery store. i just look onward, do i see a future or am i sitting on the shore of a sea filled with nameless faces?
i stare at the moms at church and wonder if i'd be happy with one of them. i stare at the women at the grocery store. i just look onward, do i see a future or am i sitting on the shore of a sea filled with nameless faces?
20111014
20111014
so let's see. two nightmares that i can remember, and i slept ate (peanut butter and almonds, at least i don't cheat while i'm sleep eating, as there was a thing of mac & cheese i made for kiddo in there, lol). nightmare 1 involved bitchface being fondled by some guy and i was helpless to stop him. nightmare 2 was a helicopter crashing in the street while i was talking to that same guy on the phone. great way to start my day!
few bites of banana
newk's ultimate salad (fantastic)
did well on my presentation i think. i'm enjoying today, listening to the beatles, waiting impatiently for my workout stuff to arrive. rewarded myself with a fat ass salad, and now i'll begrudgingly return to the nexus of work.
few bites of banana
newk's ultimate salad (fantastic)
did well on my presentation i think. i'm enjoying today, listening to the beatles, waiting impatiently for my workout stuff to arrive. rewarded myself with a fat ass salad, and now i'll begrudgingly return to the nexus of work.
20111013
20111013
egg muffin
the other half of a can of chili (+ hot dog)
a bunch of random shit for dinner (but not too much)
i am scatterbrained today. completely scatterbrained.
the other half of a can of chili (+ hot dog)
a bunch of random shit for dinner (but not too much)
i am scatterbrained today. completely scatterbrained.
20111012
20111012
no breakfast, two burgers (sans buns) for lunch
beef jerky
half a can of chili, sweet potato
i wanted to run but i got caught fixing someone else's fuckups at work and wasn't able to get out.
somehow i got snookered into giving some 10 minute update on my findings at the Friday morning leadership meeting. and they wonder why i don't want to participate. i'm never going on another business trip as long as i'm there.
went to one of my best friends (from high school) recitals. kiddo spent the evening with my sis. it was enjoyable. mostly enjoyable. the "elegiac trio" by arnold bax was especially pretty.
whelp, i did it. i ordered my squat cage.
Valor Athletics BD-7 Power Rack with Lat Pull
beef jerky
half a can of chili, sweet potato
i wanted to run but i got caught fixing someone else's fuckups at work and wasn't able to get out.
somehow i got snookered into giving some 10 minute update on my findings at the Friday morning leadership meeting. and they wonder why i don't want to participate. i'm never going on another business trip as long as i'm there.
went to one of my best friends (from high school) recitals. kiddo spent the evening with my sis. it was enjoyable. mostly enjoyable. the "elegiac trio" by arnold bax was especially pretty.
whelp, i did it. i ordered my squat cage.
Valor Athletics BD-7 Power Rack with Lat Pull
20111011
20111011
fuckin date almost looks like binary code.
one egg muffin
leftover bison stew with chicken
almond butter
spicy chicken, three sausage links, tomatoes and lettuce
deadlift: 135x5, 155x5, 155x5, 155x5
bench: 135x10, 145x10, 155x10 (i can go much higher i think, but not without a spotter)
pushup: 2x10
dumbbell tricep extension: 40x10, 40x10, 40x10
dumbbell seated isolation curl: 40x10, 40x10, 40x10
bicycles: lost count when my stomach started cramping, heh
one egg muffin
leftover bison stew with chicken
almond butter
spicy chicken, three sausage links, tomatoes and lettuce
deadlift: 135x5, 155x5, 155x5, 155x5
bench: 135x10, 145x10, 155x10 (i can go much higher i think, but not without a spotter)
pushup: 2x10
dumbbell tricep extension: 40x10, 40x10, 40x10
dumbbell seated isolation curl: 40x10, 40x10, 40x10
bicycles: lost count when my stomach started cramping, heh
20111010
20111010-2
two egg muffins
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese
banana and almond butter
two bigass beef hotdogs (hebrew national) and saurkruat
i'm going to lift tonight. should be thrilling!
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese
banana and almond butter
two bigass beef hotdogs (hebrew national) and saurkruat
i'm going to lift tonight. should be thrilling!
20111009
20111009
emptied out the wheelbarrow this morning and cleaned out the gutters on the side of the house i'd missed a few weeks ago. took out the trash, fed the dog, and did some bench presses on my new setup. 135 lb feels much different with the olympic weights, perhaps because they're much farther out (perhaps because i wasn't lifting 135 lb on the janky weights from the 80s, heh). time to go grocery shopping with all the other pagans.
day 30(!):
eggs and sausage links
almond butter and dark chocolate
spicy bison stew (yeah! my own recipe)
good run, good lifts, good vent, good nfl games, good books, good grief, good night.
day 30(!):
eggs and sausage links
almond butter and dark chocolate
spicy bison stew (yeah! my own recipe)
good run, good lifts, good vent, good nfl games, good books, good grief, good night.
20111008
20111008
day 29 (run day):
leftover hamburger, beef jerky
amberjack and sweet potato fries, humdingers shrimp at humdingers
hot dog and saurkraut
bought a 300 lb olympic weight set today at dick's sporting goods. also did six miles. on foot.
felt good for once.
leftover hamburger, beef jerky
amberjack and sweet potato fries, humdingers shrimp at humdingers
hot dog and saurkraut
bought a 300 lb olympic weight set today at dick's sporting goods. also did six miles. on foot.
felt good for once.
20111007
20111007
day 28 (rest day):
blt lettuce wraps
beef jerky and sour cream
chicken cobb salad at the zoo (terrible)
hamburgers (no bun) and sweet potato
started the morning with "click click click" from my car. dead battery. mom took me to autozone.
went to the zoo with kiddo, mom, my sister, and my nephew. it was actually pretty fun.
looked into refinancing my home today. jesus. i'm tired. dont know why. didn't work out today.
blt lettuce wraps
beef jerky and sour cream
chicken cobb salad at the zoo (terrible)
hamburgers (no bun) and sweet potato
started the morning with "click click click" from my car. dead battery. mom took me to autozone.
went to the zoo with kiddo, mom, my sister, and my nephew. it was actually pretty fun.
looked into refinancing my home today. jesus. i'm tired. dont know why. didn't work out today.
20111006
20111006
finally, i get to fly out of this place. had a great workout early this morning (see fitocracy), and came back to the room for a quick bite. the plan is to head to the conference then grab some lunch and check out. and make my way back to the rental car place and G T F O. can't wait to see my girl!!!
day 27:
banana and pb
turkey and pesto wraps (minus the wraps, heh.. it was kinda gross)
cashew chicken salad at gordon biersch (so good!)
.. aaaand i missed my connecting flight. us airways kinda sucks. both my departure flight and my arrival flights were delayed because of nonsense. oh well, at least i'm in the only airport on this trip which allows free internet (that's 1/3 for anyone counting). so at the very least i can surf and irc, which, let's face it, fulfills pretty much all my basic needs.
day 27:
banana and pb
turkey and pesto wraps (minus the wraps, heh.. it was kinda gross)
cashew chicken salad at gordon biersch (so good!)
.. aaaand i missed my connecting flight. us airways kinda sucks. both my departure flight and my arrival flights were delayed because of nonsense. oh well, at least i'm in the only airport on this trip which allows free internet (that's 1/3 for anyone counting). so at the very least i can surf and irc, which, let's face it, fulfills pretty much all my basic needs.
20111005
20111005
day 26 (run day):
egg white spinach frittata and hard boiled egg
lots of fish (with capers! :) and two chicken breasts, ratatouille
apple with pb
murgh tikka masala
the goal today is to get a souvenir for kiddo. so i'm going to the museum. i may just go into the gift shop, who knows. ;) then i'm going to try tir na nOg, an irish establishment, for dinner. should be thrilling stuff!
nope. walked past the irish place and it was a bit of a shithole, so i decided on indian. the closest one was 10 blocks away, so i went down the elevator and decided at the last possible second to walk instead of drive. i'm glad i did. the food was really good.. i'm still getting used to eating by myself again. it's always so damned awkward. i had a selection of chutneys and the mango one was especially good. i tried to hold off on the rice as much as possible.
the walk back was without incident, and i'm now watching espn in my room. how boring am i?
i was not 100% on the treadmill today.. my heart rate failed to climb like normal and i felt kinda crappy. i'm going to push it tomorrow morning. i'm not out of this place until 4pm so i need to do something or i'll go nuts.
egg white spinach frittata and hard boiled egg
lots of fish (with capers! :) and two chicken breasts, ratatouille
apple with pb
murgh tikka masala
the goal today is to get a souvenir for kiddo. so i'm going to the museum. i may just go into the gift shop, who knows. ;) then i'm going to try tir na nOg, an irish establishment, for dinner. should be thrilling stuff!
nope. walked past the irish place and it was a bit of a shithole, so i decided on indian. the closest one was 10 blocks away, so i went down the elevator and decided at the last possible second to walk instead of drive. i'm glad i did. the food was really good.. i'm still getting used to eating by myself again. it's always so damned awkward. i had a selection of chutneys and the mango one was especially good. i tried to hold off on the rice as much as possible.
the walk back was without incident, and i'm now watching espn in my room. how boring am i?
i was not 100% on the treadmill today.. my heart rate failed to climb like normal and i felt kinda crappy. i'm going to push it tomorrow morning. i'm not out of this place until 4pm so i need to do something or i'll go nuts.
20111004
20111004
ran a 5k and lifted some heavy stuff.
day 24:
turkey berry salad
apple and pb
la paella at oxford gastropub (2/5)
banana and pb (fuck, calories)
read more of "the art of racing in the rain". dude is an asshole, and is deliberately trying to make me cry! there are so many parallels in the story for me. a man and his dog who has to fight for his daughter after losing his wife. it's me. i'm not sure why i chose to buy it on amazon other than happenstance, but clearly it was serendipitous. would it hold as much emotion for other readers? not sure. for me, it just provided crystal clarity on my condition as a single parent, with all the inherent responsibility. and again it made me hate my ex and her family, with their selfishness, rationalizations and ability to ignore reality. here i am, out of town, and it kills me not to be with my daughter. i can't imagine the life my ex lives, separated from her own child for weeks at a time. seriously, what a cunt. although i laughed earlier when i was switching channels and passed "glee" and wondered if somewhere in shitsville, tennessee, if that guy was being forced to watch that show. poor bastard.
day 24:
turkey berry salad
apple and pb
la paella at oxford gastropub (2/5)
banana and pb (fuck, calories)
read more of "the art of racing in the rain". dude is an asshole, and is deliberately trying to make me cry! there are so many parallels in the story for me. a man and his dog who has to fight for his daughter after losing his wife. it's me. i'm not sure why i chose to buy it on amazon other than happenstance, but clearly it was serendipitous. would it hold as much emotion for other readers? not sure. for me, it just provided crystal clarity on my condition as a single parent, with all the inherent responsibility. and again it made me hate my ex and her family, with their selfishness, rationalizations and ability to ignore reality. here i am, out of town, and it kills me not to be with my daughter. i can't imagine the life my ex lives, separated from her own child for weeks at a time. seriously, what a cunt. although i laughed earlier when i was switching channels and passed "glee" and wondered if somewhere in shitsville, tennessee, if that guy was being forced to watch that show. poor bastard.
20111003
20111003-2
fuck, i'm crying reading The Art of Racing in the Rain. it's a novel told from the perspective of a dog. such a woman. who fucking cries while watching monday night football. oh right, me. fuck it, i'm watching house.
20111003
so here i am, out of town, and out of my element. and here is my list of priorities:
1) workout
2) food
3) sex (lol)
4) actually attending the conference
day 23 (run day):
skipped breakfast
chicken kabob at sitti (it was .. okay i guess)
banana in the parking lot of harris teeter ;)
cobb salad at carolina cafe (it was phenomenal)
apple with pb
1) workout
2) food
3) sex (lol)
4) actually attending the conference
day 23 (run day):
skipped breakfast
chicken kabob at sitti (it was .. okay i guess)
banana in the parking lot of harris teeter ;)
cobb salad at carolina cafe (it was phenomenal)
apple with pb
20111002
20111002-2
day 22:
two egg muffins
beef jerky at airport
hardee's bacon monster burger and side salad
two egg muffins
beef jerky at airport
hardee's bacon monster burger and side salad
20111002
tomorrow i fly out on a business trip. on a very important day. and i am missing my daughter already. and i haven't even left yet. fuck. how can she possibly do this every day? oh right, she doesn't care.
i have started to think of items in my home in terms of BC and AD. Before Cheating, and After Divorce. Even a thing of handsoap is counted. I guess the goal is to rid myself of most of the BC items so I can move forward.
i have started to think of items in my home in terms of BC and AD. Before Cheating, and After Divorce. Even a thing of handsoap is counted. I guess the goal is to rid myself of most of the BC items so I can move forward.
20111001
20111001
made her some homemade blueberry pancakes this morning. party day. ex actually texted me to ask "if the party was still on". translation: she doesn't want to come. course, i'm probably misinterpreting her. right.
day 21:
two eggs and bacon
hot dog
two eggs
day 21:
two eggs and bacon
hot dog
two eggs
20110930
20110930-2
my friend on irc made the following for me this morning. it was appreciated and apropos.
amazing piece of ass in the county register's office. my day is subtly improving.
day 20 (run day):
a little banana and almond butter, one egg muffin
hot dog, can of chicken, two egg muffins
apple
tuna salad with a little bacon, no egg muffins :)
amazing piece of ass in the county register's office. my day is subtly improving.
day 20 (run day):
a little banana and almond butter, one egg muffin
hot dog, can of chicken, two egg muffins
apple
tuna salad with a little bacon, no egg muffins :)
20110930
terrible nightmare. started off in some store with the ex. she left while we were shopping for something, and i fell asleep in the store. woke up (in the dream) and couldn't find her, called and she was off driving away from me. my coworker stopped me in the store and said our job was shutting down, so we went to my old employer to look for a job, and during some presentation my shoes phone wallet keys were all stolen. i was made fun of by an old coworker. woke up and it was 6am. first bad dream i've had in months, to be honest. this stress/drama affects me so deeply.
since i had my first nightmare in months, i was inspired to write my first poem in months while walking the dog. it sucks.
neglect of devices left unused
never broken but slightly abused
rusted coil which keeps me mortal
constant search for the final portal
pause to watch our star again rise
every day some more light dies
bad dreams brought upon myself
a cold morning with nothing left
acceptance as an unwanted gift
spare me the trouble
close the rift
since i had my first nightmare in months, i was inspired to write my first poem in months while walking the dog. it sucks.
neglect of devices left unused
never broken but slightly abused
rusted coil which keeps me mortal
constant search for the final portal
pause to watch our star again rise
every day some more light dies
bad dreams brought upon myself
a cold morning with nothing left
acceptance as an unwanted gift
spare me the trouble
close the rift
20110929
20110929
day 19:
egg muffin (or two? can't remember)
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese
hot dog
cobb salad at chili's
i have replied to my ex's family. the bridge is probably burned. fuck. i don't really regret standing up for myself, but i do regret the entire situation. what a mess she created.
egg muffin (or two? can't remember)
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese
hot dog
cobb salad at chili's
i have replied to my ex's family. the bridge is probably burned. fuck. i don't really regret standing up for myself, but i do regret the entire situation. what a mess she created.
20110928
20110928
day 18 (run day):
two hard boiled eggs
one hamburger patty
two egg muffins
ran a bunch. got a fucking wonderful email from my former mother-in-law. apparently she didn't like being called "vacation planners" instead of grandparents. i am drafting a reply at the moment. and trying not to be too venomous.
two hard boiled eggs
one hamburger patty
two egg muffins
ran a bunch. got a fucking wonderful email from my former mother-in-law. apparently she didn't like being called "vacation planners" instead of grandparents. i am drafting a reply at the moment. and trying not to be too venomous.
20110927
20110927
day 17:
hot dog
grilled chicken salad
hamburger and sweet potato
vendor mtgs with EMC and IBM. no run. grumbly.
we've spent every night at the park... that's been nice.
hot dog
grilled chicken salad
hamburger and sweet potato
vendor mtgs with EMC and IBM. no run. grumbly.
we've spent every night at the park... that's been nice.
20110926
20110926
damn trip is coming up. damnit.
also her party. god i hope kids show up. god i hope my ex doesn't ruin it.
day 16:
no breakfast, no lunch really, came home after work and had
hot dog, can of chicken, blt wrap
eggs (scrambled with tomatoes) and sausage
it's good that the peanut butter is depleted. i can conceivably lose weight with nothing around to snack on. i need a celice around my face.
fitocracy is working out. hah. pun.
also her party. god i hope kids show up. god i hope my ex doesn't ruin it.
day 16:
no breakfast, no lunch really, came home after work and had
hot dog, can of chicken, blt wrap
eggs (scrambled with tomatoes) and sausage
it's good that the peanut butter is depleted. i can conceivably lose weight with nothing around to snack on. i need a celice around my face.
fitocracy is working out. hah. pun.
20110925
20110925
indian food. disney on ice. football game. etc.
day 15:
eggs and bacon
indian food (palak paneer, chili chicken and curried chicken)
hot dogs, chicken
apple
day 15:
eggs and bacon
indian food (palak paneer, chili chicken and curried chicken)
hot dogs, chicken
apple
20110924
20110924
day 14:
egg muffins
hamburgers
shish kabobs at friend's house
apple with pb
watched ufc tonight. i feel so awkward by myself. honestly i just forgot what it felt like to not be on a team. i want that feeling back, but i'm still not ready.
egg muffins
hamburgers
shish kabobs at friend's house
apple with pb
watched ufc tonight. i feel so awkward by myself. honestly i just forgot what it felt like to not be on a team. i want that feeling back, but i'm still not ready.
20110923
20110923
and just like that, i have plans tonight. and i initiated them myself no less.
going to eat with some friends and then going to see "enter the haggis" tonight, celtic rock, free show at the shell.
day 13:
skipped breakfast
tuna salad
new york strip and veggies side street
wow. the waitress at the restaurant had the nicest tits i've seen in years. and she smelled so fucking good. i may have to go back just to be waited on by her again. pathetic.
suicide dreams on the ride home.
want to write a song about acceptance, turning the corner, etc. or a song about fall. or both. but instead, my eyes will blur and i'll collapse in bed.
going to eat with some friends and then going to see "enter the haggis" tonight, celtic rock, free show at the shell.
day 13:
skipped breakfast
tuna salad
new york strip and veggies side street
wow. the waitress at the restaurant had the nicest tits i've seen in years. and she smelled so fucking good. i may have to go back just to be waited on by her again. pathetic.
suicide dreams on the ride home.
want to write a song about acceptance, turning the corner, etc. or a song about fall. or both. but instead, my eyes will blur and i'll collapse in bed.
20110922
20110922-2
so i'm sitting here listening to "high speed dirt" by megadeth, reading "7 ways to beat depression after divorce" on the web, and wondering again why weight loss, why LIFE, is such a struggle for me.
i cannot imagine a woman on the world who fits the puzzle. god help the world if i do get into shape finally.
---
holy fuck the depression is just washing over me in waves. i just got home. was sitting in my car with no music playing and, as it has been for the past year, the phrase "i'm done" comes from my mouth. "i need to be done". i need to be done.
---
could not bring myself to run today. dressed out, walked outside, turned on gps, and just turned around and back to the house. ate lunch and instead took the dog on a walk. and then i called in sick for the afternoon... which consisted of sage and a nap. thank goodness i had the wherewithal to set the alarm. picked up kiddo, brought her home and said no to ice cream for this week, worked on the bicycle with her and now she's preparing to watch some tv (after she cleaned her room).
i cannot imagine a woman on the world who fits the puzzle. god help the world if i do get into shape finally.
---
holy fuck the depression is just washing over me in waves. i just got home. was sitting in my car with no music playing and, as it has been for the past year, the phrase "i'm done" comes from my mouth. "i need to be done". i need to be done.
---
could not bring myself to run today. dressed out, walked outside, turned on gps, and just turned around and back to the house. ate lunch and instead took the dog on a walk. and then i called in sick for the afternoon... which consisted of sage and a nap. thank goodness i had the wherewithal to set the alarm. picked up kiddo, brought her home and said no to ice cream for this week, worked on the bicycle with her and now she's preparing to watch some tv (after she cleaned her room).
20110921
20110921
day 11:
egg muffins
chicken, sausage, tomato on lettuce
curried catfish, blt wrap
dark chocolate
egg muffins
chicken, sausage, tomato on lettuce
curried catfish, blt wrap
dark chocolate
20110920
20110920
day 10:
egg muffin, boiled egg (3)
blt wrap
lemon pepper marinated chicken on the oven
dark chocolate
egg muffin, boiled egg (3)
blt wrap
lemon pepper marinated chicken on the oven
dark chocolate
20110919
20110919
day 9:
boiled egg, egg muffin
grilled chicken salad
hot dogs and sauerkraut
dark chocolate
fuckin around with fitocracy. it's nerdy.
dc universe online and star trek online are both going free-to-play soon. i will probably try both.
boiled egg, egg muffin
grilled chicken salad
hot dogs and sauerkraut
dark chocolate
fuckin around with fitocracy. it's nerdy.
dc universe online and star trek online are both going free-to-play soon. i will probably try both.
20110918
20110918-2
day 8:
hard boiled egg, tomato wrap
pork chop, sweet potato, kale
beef jerky
dark chocolate
egg muffin
hard boiled egg, tomato wrap
pork chop, sweet potato, kale
beef jerky
dark chocolate
egg muffin
20110918
fun fact: my ex used to steal sunday papers from neighbors' homes when we'd go on a walk in the morning.
additional fact: i cried last night in bed. first time in awhile.. i'm still not over her. wtf.
additional fact: i cried last night in bed. first time in awhile.. i'm still not over her. wtf.
20110917
20110917
day 7:
(skipped breakfast, yeah yeah i know.. i was busy in the yard. finally got a new gas can, mowed my yard, started cleanup on the felled tree in the back, got some limbs off the roof and cleaned half my gutters.)
hot dog (no bun) at the airshow (which was a success)
beef jerky
omelete cooked by mom with bell peppers onions etc. yum.
almonds
i fought the temptation to go get some more peanut butter and some dark chocolate tonight on the way home. i was proud of myself. i know i'll probably just get them tomorrow, but still.. one night of snack resistance is a good start.
time to curl up with sage and nod off to oblivion. good times.
(skipped breakfast, yeah yeah i know.. i was busy in the yard. finally got a new gas can, mowed my yard, started cleanup on the felled tree in the back, got some limbs off the roof and cleaned half my gutters.)
hot dog (no bun) at the airshow (which was a success)
beef jerky
omelete cooked by mom with bell peppers onions etc. yum.
almonds
i fought the temptation to go get some more peanut butter and some dark chocolate tonight on the way home. i was proud of myself. i know i'll probably just get them tomorrow, but still.. one night of snack resistance is a good start.
time to curl up with sage and nod off to oblivion. good times.
20110916
20110915
20110915
day 4:
egg muffins (all gone! need to make sommore)
sausage tomato lettuce wraps
pineapple chicken
beef jerky
egg muffins (all gone! need to make sommore)
sausage tomato lettuce wraps
pineapple chicken
beef jerky
20110914
20110915-3
day 3:
egg muffins
grilled chicken philly salad at lenny's
egg & sausage burrito
blt wrap
egg muffins
grilled chicken philly salad at lenny's
egg & sausage burrito
blt wrap
20110914-2
this morning's irc convo made me feel approximately 5% better:
08:04 < spamalope> supposedly scarlett johansson - http://whatever.com/whatever
08:04 < spamalope> nsfw
08:04 < spamalope> i dont know who she is but ive heard her name before heh
08:41 < spliggity> lots of movies almost none of them any good
08:42 < spliggity> i kinda liked lost in translation i guess
08:42 < spliggity> weird as hell
08:56 < spliggity> now playing: Queen - A Day At The Races - You Take My Breath Away [188kbps|4:40]
08:56 < spliggity> closed my eyes and randomly picked something in my tunes
08:56 < spliggity> its actually a good song
09:01 < rico^> I liked ghost world too
09:02 < rico^> vicky christina barcelona is a must watch
09:02 < rico^> if only for the lesbo scenes between her and penelope cruz
09:03 < rico^> but yeah she needs to pick better movies
09:13 < spliggity> i cant really watch movies with that dude in them
09:13 < spliggity> i keep expecting him to punch a hole in some dude's head
09:14 < rico^> he's great
09:14 < rico^> I really like that guy
09:14 < funkshun> the punisher guy?
09:15 < spliggity> javier bardem
09:15 < funkshun> ohh
09:15 < spliggity> the no country guy
09:15 < spliggity> hes also in "eat pray love"
09:15 < rico^> ugh
09:15 < rico^> I'd rather eat glass
09:16 < spliggity> also known as "the book that if you see your spouse reading it, precedes divorce"
09:16 < funkshun> mmkay
09:17 < rico^> that's the book that teaches middle to upper class white women that it's ok to fuck off to india for 3 years and fuck someone other than your husband and let all your responsibilities lapse
09:17 < rico^> we should form to ban it like in fahrenheit 451
09:17 < spliggity> bingo
09:17 < spliggity> i see it a lot on the dating sites
09:18 < spliggity> it encourages women to go "walk the earth", which only really works if you have gobs of money
09:18 < spliggity> heh
09:18 < rico^> and people back home to sort out all the shit you left running
08:04 < spamalope> supposedly scarlett johansson - http://whatever.com/whatever
08:04 < spamalope> nsfw
08:04 < spamalope> i dont know who she is but ive heard her name before heh
08:41 < spliggity> lots of movies almost none of them any good
08:42 < spliggity> i kinda liked lost in translation i guess
08:42 < spliggity> weird as hell
08:56 < spliggity> now playing: Queen - A Day At The Races - You Take My Breath Away [188kbps|4:40]
08:56 < spliggity> closed my eyes and randomly picked something in my tunes
08:56 < spliggity> its actually a good song
09:01 < rico^> I liked ghost world too
09:02 < rico^> vicky christina barcelona is a must watch
09:02 < rico^> if only for the lesbo scenes between her and penelope cruz
09:03 < rico^> but yeah she needs to pick better movies
09:13 < spliggity> i cant really watch movies with that dude in them
09:13 < spliggity> i keep expecting him to punch a hole in some dude's head
09:14 < rico^> he's great
09:14 < rico^> I really like that guy
09:14 < funkshun> the punisher guy?
09:15 < spliggity> javier bardem
09:15 < funkshun> ohh
09:15 < spliggity> the no country guy
09:15 < spliggity> hes also in "eat pray love"
09:15 < rico^> ugh
09:15 < rico^> I'd rather eat glass
09:16 < spliggity> also known as "the book that if you see your spouse reading it, precedes divorce"
09:16 < funkshun> mmkay
09:17 < rico^> that's the book that teaches middle to upper class white women that it's ok to fuck off to india for 3 years and fuck someone other than your husband and let all your responsibilities lapse
09:17 < rico^> we should form to ban it like in fahrenheit 451
09:17 < spliggity> bingo
09:17 < spliggity> i see it a lot on the dating sites
09:18 < spliggity> it encourages women to go "walk the earth", which only really works if you have gobs of money
09:18 < spliggity> heh
09:18 < rico^> and people back home to sort out all the shit you left running
20110914
holy shit am i in a black mood this morning. it took some herculean effort to get kiddo to school, and now i'm at work and trying to force myself out of the pit with music. closed my eyes and scrolled down my tunes and clicked something randomly. the winner:
now playing: Queen - A Day At The Races - You Take My Breath Away [188kbps|4:40]
this album came out the month and year i was born. for all its majesty, does it matter? is the goal to change another's life? what good does that do, when they keep moving towards their inevitable end. our only contribution is to trip them along the way. and they almost always get back up.
i'm so tired of this ugly world. my ex has a new picture up of her and her new beau. he gets uglier with every picture, and so does she. maybe she was right to leave me, i hate myself, how could someone else ever love that? to be honest, i don't feel like starting all that shit over again, not even for a second, and yet loneliness pulls inexorably at me. i want to rip out the longing and step on it. this is all so goddamn pointless. escapes haven't helped. i have more and more each day. video games, music, work, etc. does anyone think travel would help? it has nothing to do with where i'm at physically. i could be at the top of everest, but what's the point when i'm a husk, a shadow, a ghost?
now playing: Queen - A Day At The Races - You Take My Breath Away [188kbps|4:40]
this album came out the month and year i was born. for all its majesty, does it matter? is the goal to change another's life? what good does that do, when they keep moving towards their inevitable end. our only contribution is to trip them along the way. and they almost always get back up.
i'm so tired of this ugly world. my ex has a new picture up of her and her new beau. he gets uglier with every picture, and so does she. maybe she was right to leave me, i hate myself, how could someone else ever love that? to be honest, i don't feel like starting all that shit over again, not even for a second, and yet loneliness pulls inexorably at me. i want to rip out the longing and step on it. this is all so goddamn pointless. escapes haven't helped. i have more and more each day. video games, music, work, etc. does anyone think travel would help? it has nothing to do with where i'm at physically. i could be at the top of everest, but what's the point when i'm a husk, a shadow, a ghost?
20110913
20110913
full moon this morning, clear skies, relatively hot. mid 90s even. fuck that noise. two miles, but it was tough. all kinds of strange requests. got angry at m tonight and was generally a dickhead for no good reason, other than she told me she's just like her mommy and her kid is going to be just like her. that shouldn't have upset me, but it did. my bed is broke. i quasi-fixed it, but i really need to get a new bed. the ikea malm minimalist bed looks good, i'll probably go with that when i get back.
day 2:
egg muffins
blt lettuce wraps (f'n yum)
beef jerky
mixed veggies and spinach souffle
day 2:
egg muffins
blt lettuce wraps (f'n yum)
beef jerky
mixed veggies and spinach souffle
20110912
20110912
the primal blueprint challenge.
day 1:
egg muffins
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese dressing (no croutons)
hot dogs and saurkraut
dark chocolate, peanut butter and almonds
no run today, as i ran on saturday (4.5 mi) and sunday (3.3 mi). the garmin is so nice. tonight, i did 3x15 benchpress @ 120 lbs. i'd do more weight but.. i don't have any more weights. i have the bar loaded with a bunch of little weights, and the weight set is from the 80s. fuckit. eventually i'll get a good squat cage.
day 1:
egg muffins
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese dressing (no croutons)
hot dogs and saurkraut
dark chocolate, peanut butter and almonds
no run today, as i ran on saturday (4.5 mi) and sunday (3.3 mi). the garmin is so nice. tonight, i did 3x15 benchpress @ 120 lbs. i'd do more weight but.. i don't have any more weights. i have the bar loaded with a bunch of little weights, and the weight set is from the 80s. fuckit. eventually i'll get a good squat cage.
20110911
20110911-2
my kid named this creation today. it was, hands down, the best kitchen experiment we've ever completed together. this tastes AMAZING.
Bananablamasplit Smoothies:
1x Banana
2x Yoplait Orange Creme Yogurt Cups
1/2 Cup Milk
8-10 Ice Cubes
blend ingredients in blender and enjoy :)
Bananablamasplit Smoothies:
1x Banana
2x Yoplait Orange Creme Yogurt Cups
1/2 Cup Milk
8-10 Ice Cubes
blend ingredients in blender and enjoy :)
20110911
i was walking into work that day, in Oxford, and I'd heard something on the radio. needless to say, we didn't get a lot of work done that day. the entire office essentially just huddled around our monitors and watched news footage. this was two months prior to my wedding date, and the icy manipulator and i were still working together at the time. i remember us being in the loop much better than anyone else around because we had access to irc where a lot of the earliest reports were coming in. this was well before twitter and all that nonsense. i felt violated at the time. i also remember hearing there was cheering from some muslims in our student union. anyway, it was a sad day. and today is too.
20110909
20110909-2
life is better. lunch helped. coworker helped, even though he doesn't know it. looking for a sword for the house. and some new shirts. you know, the usual.
20110909
this 9/11 song on the radio completely destroyed me. i was a little girl talking to her dad in heaven. total waterworks. of course, i'm thinking of the song in different terms. life goes on. for one more day.
20110907
20110907
feels nice to take a break from elliott for a spell.
so i started thinking about my body/mind situation last night, and discovered a few curiosities. the more weight i lose, the more self confidence i have (yes, i heard you say "duh").. problem is, for me, with self confidence, comes egotism and arrogance. i wonder thusly if my mind has been fighting my body to try and maintain some semblance of "nice" in my personality, by feeding my face instead of my ego. and now i'm wondering again if my quest for a healthy body is going to end up a failure because i will still dislike the person in the mirror at the end of it, for different reasons.
i'm not going to stop doing what i'm doing mind you, but this is one of those rare days when i'm afforded the clarity of conscience required to properly analyze my progress sans preconceived notions about their altruistic motivations. in other words, i can stop bullshitting myself about my intentions for a second and focus on the real WHY behind what i'm doing. i wish i could say in all honesty that what i'm attempting has nothing to do with my ex, but that is a lie, and i know it. does it mean i'll fail? no. it's not like i'm trying to pull excalibur from the stone here. i'm simply trying to conquer my own body, and in that i must always remember that exercise is a math equation, not an emotional journey. the separation of ego from my fitness goals is essential.
now i'm wondering whether separation of ego is essential for my other goals as well.
the embodiment of nature, loss, and truth. drudkh, a black metal band by trade, but i don't think anyone would consider this black metal when first hearing it.
so i started thinking about my body/mind situation last night, and discovered a few curiosities. the more weight i lose, the more self confidence i have (yes, i heard you say "duh").. problem is, for me, with self confidence, comes egotism and arrogance. i wonder thusly if my mind has been fighting my body to try and maintain some semblance of "nice" in my personality, by feeding my face instead of my ego. and now i'm wondering again if my quest for a healthy body is going to end up a failure because i will still dislike the person in the mirror at the end of it, for different reasons.
i'm not going to stop doing what i'm doing mind you, but this is one of those rare days when i'm afforded the clarity of conscience required to properly analyze my progress sans preconceived notions about their altruistic motivations. in other words, i can stop bullshitting myself about my intentions for a second and focus on the real WHY behind what i'm doing. i wish i could say in all honesty that what i'm attempting has nothing to do with my ex, but that is a lie, and i know it. does it mean i'll fail? no. it's not like i'm trying to pull excalibur from the stone here. i'm simply trying to conquer my own body, and in that i must always remember that exercise is a math equation, not an emotional journey. the separation of ego from my fitness goals is essential.
now i'm wondering whether separation of ego is essential for my other goals as well.
the embodiment of nature, loss, and truth. drudkh, a black metal band by trade, but i don't think anyone would consider this black metal when first hearing it.
20110905
20110905
so i'm watching the parade from dragoncon and i realize that i need to center in on what kind of person i am. am i a geek? surely. do i identify with these people? in many ways, yes. why am i not out there with them? fear, isolationism i guess. being a dad has consumed who i am, sadly. i see women out there and realize it's a much bigger world out there than this room, this house, or this town. plenty of people happy with themselves. who am i to judge any one of them? anyway, i dunno.. it's the middle of the night and i'm up for a sec and just watched it on a whim.
20110904
20110904
"dry clean only" is apparently not a suggestion. just tossed a XL sweater which is now small enough for my kid to wear. but it's okay, i despise v necks. why do i own them? i'm not sure.
finally left my sad valentine song for a new one, and it's coming together. conceptually it's good and even fun to play. simple but fun.
i ran yesterday, three miles. it had been a full week since i'd run, because i was nervous about my heel. i've been having some achilles tendon issues when touching my toes. it's strange because i have no problem normally. oh and good, sunday morning and i'm getting pages from work. till next time, readers.
finally left my sad valentine song for a new one, and it's coming together. conceptually it's good and even fun to play. simple but fun.
i ran yesterday, three miles. it had been a full week since i'd run, because i was nervous about my heel. i've been having some achilles tendon issues when touching my toes. it's strange because i have no problem normally. oh and good, sunday morning and i'm getting pages from work. till next time, readers.
20110902
20110902
complete social retardation. two nice looking ladies with no rings. i have no idea how to start this again. never enough. at least my kid had a good time.
20110830
20110828
20110828
whelp, i ended up running and then going to watch ufc with friends. two couples, and me. but it was enjoyable. and i got my mind off the ex drama for a bit. which was good, and necessary. she texted me in the middle of the day with some bullshit but i just ignored it.
20110827
20110827
it's so hard doing the right thing sometimes.
i fought to keep my daughter from being exposed to her mom living out of wedlock. and i won that fight, but at a cost. it cost me a lot of stress and pain.
this morning, as the ex was picking her up, she asked me if it'd be alright for m to go to their church with them while she has her. this is how she operates. she waits until she's about to speed off with my kid in toe to ask me something like that, knowing full well what kind of reaction she'll get.
i said something like "the fact that you're asking that while our daughter is right there is abysmal. we'll talk on the phone. i smiled at m and said have a good weekend and they drove off.
i steamed and debated calling my mom about it but i knew she'd just go through the roof and it'd stress her out too, which is never my intent. instead, i took some time to relax, and i called the ex back. i told her no, in no uncertain terms, she was not allowed to take her to that church, as it had nothing to do with m, she just wanted it to be convenient and parade my kid around like my ex is some sort of good mother in front of her boyfriend's family. also, in the divorce papers, the responsibility for religious upbringing is specifically denoted as mine, so she knows she's got no leg to stand on legally.
her response: "you are such an incredible piece of shit. all you want to do is make life difficult for me right now. go fuck yourself" and hung up.
and now i have a full weekend ahead of me to worry about my child's well being and safety.
and i don't even want to be here anymore. turns out maybe there's nothing wrong with me.. there's just a lot wrong with the world.
i fought to keep my daughter from being exposed to her mom living out of wedlock. and i won that fight, but at a cost. it cost me a lot of stress and pain.
this morning, as the ex was picking her up, she asked me if it'd be alright for m to go to their church with them while she has her. this is how she operates. she waits until she's about to speed off with my kid in toe to ask me something like that, knowing full well what kind of reaction she'll get.
i said something like "the fact that you're asking that while our daughter is right there is abysmal. we'll talk on the phone. i smiled at m and said have a good weekend and they drove off.
i steamed and debated calling my mom about it but i knew she'd just go through the roof and it'd stress her out too, which is never my intent. instead, i took some time to relax, and i called the ex back. i told her no, in no uncertain terms, she was not allowed to take her to that church, as it had nothing to do with m, she just wanted it to be convenient and parade my kid around like my ex is some sort of good mother in front of her boyfriend's family. also, in the divorce papers, the responsibility for religious upbringing is specifically denoted as mine, so she knows she's got no leg to stand on legally.
her response: "you are such an incredible piece of shit. all you want to do is make life difficult for me right now. go fuck yourself" and hung up.
and now i have a full weekend ahead of me to worry about my child's well being and safety.
and i don't even want to be here anymore. turns out maybe there's nothing wrong with me.. there's just a lot wrong with the world.
20110825
20110825
a/c is back on.
i'm stuck in the doldrums of weight loss.
and oh yeah my kid is getting fat too.
that's too much to bear. everything is spiraling out of control.
i'm stuck in the doldrums of weight loss.
and oh yeah my kid is getting fat too.
that's too much to bear. everything is spiraling out of control.
20110823
20110823
a/c company will be here between 3-7. which is awesome, cause i totally don't pick up my kid anywhere in that window of time.
20110822
20110821
20110821
park, target, home, tv. made her fish sticks, mashed potatoes and peas and she said it was the best dinner she's had in years. grrreat.
i ate way too much this weekend. let's see:
balogna sandwich, chocolate bar, chicken nuggets, grape nuts, macaroni and cheese
breakfast burrito, chips and dip, beef jerky, olives, aforementioned fish sticks
i ate way too much this weekend. let's see:
balogna sandwich, chocolate bar, chicken nuggets, grape nuts, macaroni and cheese
breakfast burrito, chips and dip, beef jerky, olives, aforementioned fish sticks
20110820
20110820
woke up and decided saturday morning was yard morning. cut the grass eated the weeds and vacuumed everything up. lazy morning pretty much, mood was good. it rained about lunch. so i take my kid to puttputt. although we didn't play puttputt there. the rain pushed through really quick, but she didn't want to golf, just play arcade games and do the go-kart. we had a blast with the karts, but the arcades were a dud as usual.. bunch of "lose your money" type games. i got zero vibes from any woman in the place, and that sorta soured my mood, even though that's completely silly. doesn't help that i'm horny as fuck.. i feel like i have a little kid's face, and i don't know how to dress, and no one is drawn to that. it sucks.
20110819
20110819
the ex is moving to the next county. so far this is a positive. unfortunately, she throws curves better than a wiffle ball, so the jury's out for now.
20110818
20110818
230 lbs. it is my current barrier. i can't break it. every morning, no matter how many miles i run, i seem to weigh this same amount. it has been EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS, and here i am at 230. my body is fighting me every step of the way. i am so tired of sleepeating. so tired of the mental charades that i cannot master. this is the one part of my life i've managed to be somewhat positive about. i've devoted all my energy towards it because logic dictates that i can succeed here, as long as i put in enough willpower and effort. but like everything in life, i am being proven otherwise. this is the one aspect of my life i feel like *i* can control. i can't predict what my useless ex is going to do. i can't deal with the randomness of relationships right now. i can barely maintain order in the swirling vortex of day-to-day parenthood. and so that makes this failure all the worse. just this *one* thing in life, i want to fix. and i'm failing. and what's really sad is in the grand scheme of things, with my frame, all i really need to lose is 10-20 lbs. but i can't. in the most ignorant, charlatan terms available, i have a demon inside me, always hungry, always consuming and never rewarding, placing me into a transcendental state of acquiescent compliance. i try to eat protein and run. i try to keep healthy food in the house. healthy snacks. i walk to work. take the stairs. i haven't had alcohol in six months. i keep no soft drinks in the house. i drink water only. none of it matters. i could eat a sole diet of rice cakes and my body would find a way to turn it into lethargy.
I MUST CONQUER MYSELF.
or die trying.
I MUST CONQUER MYSELF.
or die trying.
20110817
20110816
20110816
we both had bad dreams last night. she asked me the following question at 7am:
"daddy did you move me to the horde last night?"
"..."
"daddy?"
"..."
"did you move me to mrs hoard's class?" (mrs hoard is the *other* 1st grade teacher)
"oh. no, sweetie, you just had a bad dream."
i'm so tired of work. but i have nothing other than work.
i am a ghost. invisible to most.
ran at lunch, around 4mi, left quad is sore now, i think i've overdone it in the last week. hamstrings are overtaking my quads, i really need to go ahead and pull the trigger on a bike. trek soho is what i'm looking at. internal gear hub ftw.
picked her up, she'd had a good day and got a tcby card, so we went there. she had hamburger, cauliflower and pasta for dinner. and yogurt later. we played some tag, played trash (card game), made party hats, watched a man vs wild ep, and she read "penny" to me.
"daddy, just so you know, i never want to go to a desert. i'll never be up for that. now, ireland, i could do." "..."
managed to get her outside to run with me for awhile as well. it feels nicer outside. three showers today.
but here's the truth. fair warning.
she's been asleep for awhile. the dog is guarding her. no one is guarding me. tool is playing. the dryer is running. the dryer is always running. i wish i looked good without my shirt on. i wish i wasn't a ghost. but i am.. invisible to most.
somewhere across town, my ex wife is sucking the marrow out of another man's life. and i hate her for it. when running does nothing for my mood there is an obvious problem. or is there?
i have naught other than this dark room and this lcd at 9pm. i have an outdated home, a hamper full of clothes, neighbors i don't know, friends i ignore, routines i obey, and mores i abhor and yet practice. i'm reading "the art of war" again. i don't know why i bother. breathing is war. greasing my cog for the interminable machine is war. life is war. i'm so tired of fighting. i want to lay my head back in the stream of time and float, drift past the current into the future, open my eyes and find them closed. at peace. a heart broken beats to its masters discontent. the owner feels and hears and knows that every beat is a discordant despondent reminder that there can be no peace until it has stopped. quietude is the only true peace, which is perhaps why so many societies resort to war. no one knows how to just shut the fuck up and we can't stand others and we'd just as soon kill everyone around us but war gives us a righteous out, a pedestal of collective guilt relief empowering us to create silence and peace for others and attain accolades in the process. having your cake and eating it too. that was big with the ex.
my eyes burn with the fractious forethoughts i cannot contain or stem. yes, i know where we're headed. inevitable and unavoidable as water making its own path against all protestation and engineering.
and afterwards, in reality, it'll have been just another blithering idiot flushed down the toilet.
hell, even if i got what i want, some runner girl jumps in my bed, i would be right back to square one. obsequious and fawning and altogether an embarrassment. what a failure.
remember, i want "ten years gone" played. and fuck everyone who doesn't want to listen.
"then, as it was, then again it will be. though the course may change sometimes, rivers always reach the sea."
"daddy did you move me to the horde last night?"
"..."
"daddy?"
"..."
"did you move me to mrs hoard's class?" (mrs hoard is the *other* 1st grade teacher)
"oh. no, sweetie, you just had a bad dream."
i'm so tired of work. but i have nothing other than work.
i am a ghost. invisible to most.
ran at lunch, around 4mi, left quad is sore now, i think i've overdone it in the last week. hamstrings are overtaking my quads, i really need to go ahead and pull the trigger on a bike. trek soho is what i'm looking at. internal gear hub ftw.
picked her up, she'd had a good day and got a tcby card, so we went there. she had hamburger, cauliflower and pasta for dinner. and yogurt later. we played some tag, played trash (card game), made party hats, watched a man vs wild ep, and she read "penny" to me.
"daddy, just so you know, i never want to go to a desert. i'll never be up for that. now, ireland, i could do." "..."
managed to get her outside to run with me for awhile as well. it feels nicer outside. three showers today.
but here's the truth. fair warning.
she's been asleep for awhile. the dog is guarding her. no one is guarding me. tool is playing. the dryer is running. the dryer is always running. i wish i looked good without my shirt on. i wish i wasn't a ghost. but i am.. invisible to most.
somewhere across town, my ex wife is sucking the marrow out of another man's life. and i hate her for it. when running does nothing for my mood there is an obvious problem. or is there?
i have naught other than this dark room and this lcd at 9pm. i have an outdated home, a hamper full of clothes, neighbors i don't know, friends i ignore, routines i obey, and mores i abhor and yet practice. i'm reading "the art of war" again. i don't know why i bother. breathing is war. greasing my cog for the interminable machine is war. life is war. i'm so tired of fighting. i want to lay my head back in the stream of time and float, drift past the current into the future, open my eyes and find them closed. at peace. a heart broken beats to its masters discontent. the owner feels and hears and knows that every beat is a discordant despondent reminder that there can be no peace until it has stopped. quietude is the only true peace, which is perhaps why so many societies resort to war. no one knows how to just shut the fuck up and we can't stand others and we'd just as soon kill everyone around us but war gives us a righteous out, a pedestal of collective guilt relief empowering us to create silence and peace for others and attain accolades in the process. having your cake and eating it too. that was big with the ex.
my eyes burn with the fractious forethoughts i cannot contain or stem. yes, i know where we're headed. inevitable and unavoidable as water making its own path against all protestation and engineering.
and afterwards, in reality, it'll have been just another blithering idiot flushed down the toilet.
hell, even if i got what i want, some runner girl jumps in my bed, i would be right back to square one. obsequious and fawning and altogether an embarrassment. what a failure.
remember, i want "ten years gone" played. and fuck everyone who doesn't want to listen.
"then, as it was, then again it will be. though the course may change sometimes, rivers always reach the sea."
20110813
20110813
5 mile run, 5 hours in the car, and a good lunner (whatever the brunch equivalent of lunch +
dinner is) with a friend.
kiddo was returned to me after 6pm with three stapled pieces of paper with different forms of dance written in crayon. among them was one entitled "fuck". i called the ex who informed me that her boyfriend had told her "funk". fine, honest mistake. so my kid wants to teach me some dance steps. i do it of course (i am, after all, a square dancing jedi master.. not really) but i asked why mommy didn't dance with her and she said she was very busy and that she's not a play person but a work person. she apparently spent today looking for new rental homes for her and her new boyfriend, while m was left to her own devices. i asked her why her mommy was going out partying with her friends tonight if she was a work person, and i told her to demand that her mommy play with her. m kinda teared up and i kinda felt like i made a mistake, but i needed to make her understand. she told me she wanted to dance because she wouldn't think about mommy not playing with her.. and i almost cried. i guess i should just resolve myself to the fact that my kid will stick up for her shitty mom at all times. but i'm going to fight for the truth. and lose. as usual.
dinner is) with a friend.
kiddo was returned to me after 6pm with three stapled pieces of paper with different forms of dance written in crayon. among them was one entitled "fuck". i called the ex who informed me that her boyfriend had told her "funk". fine, honest mistake. so my kid wants to teach me some dance steps. i do it of course (i am, after all, a square dancing jedi master.. not really) but i asked why mommy didn't dance with her and she said she was very busy and that she's not a play person but a work person. she apparently spent today looking for new rental homes for her and her new boyfriend, while m was left to her own devices. i asked her why her mommy was going out partying with her friends tonight if she was a work person, and i told her to demand that her mommy play with her. m kinda teared up and i kinda felt like i made a mistake, but i needed to make her understand. she told me she wanted to dance because she wouldn't think about mommy not playing with her.. and i almost cried. i guess i should just resolve myself to the fact that my kid will stick up for her shitty mom at all times. but i'm going to fight for the truth. and lose. as usual.
20110812
20110812
Send a note when you get a chance
Courtesy of happenstance
Fritter the consequences away
Care of yesterday
A psyche swarmed with careless means
Thanks to mediocrity
Imagine a victim who's stolen your eyes
Addressed to compromise
Some birds die with wings held wide
Most you never find
Double down on collective inequity
Collect your candidacy
Filter out all the positive matches
Whoever that is
Courtesy of happenstance
Fritter the consequences away
Care of yesterday
A psyche swarmed with careless means
Thanks to mediocrity
Imagine a victim who's stolen your eyes
Addressed to compromise
Some birds die with wings held wide
Most you never find
Double down on collective inequity
Collect your candidacy
Filter out all the positive matches
Whoever that is
20110810
20110810
she's off to school, first grade, day one. got some pictures this morning. she's in a decent mood i think, scared and excited at the same time. i can definitely relate to that particular emotional amalgam. so i have another great guitar progression that needs vocals, and i need a theme.
20110809
20110809
absence makes the heart grow fond. staying away from people. was a question before, but i can't answer you anymore. skip to the scene where we meet, and wrote a song. i did everything right, for somebody that does everything wrong.
yeah, it feels just like that.
yeah, it feels just like that.
20110808
20110807
one of the best ever written.
kiddo is registered for school. so many awkward moments and forced conversations. when will i again be comfortable in my skin?
kiddo is registered for school. so many awkward moments and forced conversations. when will i again be comfortable in my skin?
20110806
20110806
'cause every remembrance of you has been buried below
... every memory that i unhappily know
and yet my ex continues to text and call me.
i had some weird pains in my head while going to sleep. i hope it's serious.
... every memory that i unhappily know
and yet my ex continues to text and call me.
i had some weird pains in my head while going to sleep. i hope it's serious.
20110804
20110804
something came from nothing today, while i was saying "no".
listening to the beatles instead of elliott for once today. wishing it wasn't so damned hot.
listening to the beatles instead of elliott for once today. wishing it wasn't so damned hot.
20110803
20110803
"sucker punch" is coming together well, just needs a refrain to come to me. it'll come to me. it's about being so afraid of the future that you neglect today, and forget to live. it's upbeat.
wondering if my songwriting has become just another escape. is anything about me real? or am i just the sum total of my current pastimes?
it was way too hot to run this morning. it's going to be the hottest day of the year. sitting in my house doing bench press sets at 5:30 am. i've pushed everyone away. my child is gone all week, as her camp is done. so here i sit, quiet and patient, but afraid and hidden away.
"you seem to think i'm random, but i'm only psuedo-random. you would be exactly this way, were you seeded at the very same time and place."
wondering if my songwriting has become just another escape. is anything about me real? or am i just the sum total of my current pastimes?
it was way too hot to run this morning. it's going to be the hottest day of the year. sitting in my house doing bench press sets at 5:30 am. i've pushed everyone away. my child is gone all week, as her camp is done. so here i sit, quiet and patient, but afraid and hidden away.
"you seem to think i'm random, but i'm only psuedo-random. you would be exactly this way, were you seeded at the very same time and place."
20110727
20110726
20110726
Another sad creation sullies forth
Flesh melded inharmoniously
Ceremony of clerical errors
Unsubstantiated grief
Crafted mind torn asunder
Every interaction poisonous
Fatal flaws surface at will
Just to die from exposure
A mindless afterthought
And it's getting worse
Flesh melded inharmoniously
Ceremony of clerical errors
Unsubstantiated grief
Crafted mind torn asunder
Every interaction poisonous
Fatal flaws surface at will
Just to die from exposure
A mindless afterthought
And it's getting worse
20110725
20110725
burning up on reentry
yet another launch consequence
fight or flight instinct kicks in
signal an abort to the tower
a death defying maneuver
arcing over the crowd assembled
applause wells up as expected
all except the intended target
crashed right into her after all
yet another launch consequence
fight or flight instinct kicks in
signal an abort to the tower
a death defying maneuver
arcing over the crowd assembled
applause wells up as expected
all except the intended target
crashed right into her after all
20110724
20110724
Why is this making me cry at 5:30 in the morning:
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.
20110723
20110723
for all those curious, i am now officially (even more of) a woman. kiddo spent last night at granny's and i got a 6 mile run in this morning. also had some guys come to fix my attic ladder. when i picked her up, we stopped by michael's (the craft store) on the way home, and bought (1) a face painting kit (2) glow in the dark stars for her room (3) kid paint.
we spent the remainder of the evening painting each other's faces. anyway, i loved michael's, and found so many things i was interested in that we are definitely going back, even if i'm the only guy i ever see in the place.
i am going to meet with a one night this week. i am turning donuts over a few topics in my head that i need to get off my chest with her. i can't believe she put her boyfriend on speakerphone to discuss our child's visitation, but i want to take a different tact with her now. it will probably explode in my face, but we'll see.
we spent the remainder of the evening painting each other's faces. anyway, i loved michael's, and found so many things i was interested in that we are definitely going back, even if i'm the only guy i ever see in the place.
i am going to meet with a one night this week. i am turning donuts over a few topics in my head that i need to get off my chest with her. i can't believe she put her boyfriend on speakerphone to discuss our child's visitation, but i want to take a different tact with her now. it will probably explode in my face, but we'll see.
20110722
20110722
She puts him on the phone
Another sad manipulated drone
Experience is a better teacher
The only way to reach her
She only fights for control now
It's never been about her child
No choice but to soldier on
She'll stop caring before long
Another sad manipulated drone
Experience is a better teacher
The only way to reach her
She only fights for control now
It's never been about her child
No choice but to soldier on
She'll stop caring before long
20110721
20110720
20110719
20110719
a day in the life.
40 minutes on the phone with the ex at 7am. get wonderful kid up out of bed and to camp. she wrote me this incredible note on the ride in.
get to work. made the walk. two hour meeting with microsoft.
went home because power is out at work. had lunch and lifted weights because it's too damn hot to run, and wrote the following letter to my atty:
An issue has come up regarding visitation for my daughter. My ex-wife has moved in with her boyfriend at his home, and informed me that I have no recourse, since the wording of the paramour clause in our papers uses the term "guest". She is claiming he is her roommate, not a guest, even though they share a room/bed. I know that I am legally obligated to provide her with visitation, but is she correct in that I have no recourse? I do not want my daughter exposed to seeing her mother living in a home out of wedlock.
yeah. the best of times and the worst of times.
40 minutes on the phone with the ex at 7am. get wonderful kid up out of bed and to camp. she wrote me this incredible note on the ride in.
get to work. made the walk. two hour meeting with microsoft.
went home because power is out at work. had lunch and lifted weights because it's too damn hot to run, and wrote the following letter to my atty:
An issue has come up regarding visitation for my daughter. My ex-wife has moved in with her boyfriend at his home, and informed me that I have no recourse, since the wording of the paramour clause in our papers uses the term "guest". She is claiming he is her roommate, not a guest, even though they share a room/bed. I know that I am legally obligated to provide her with visitation, but is she correct in that I have no recourse? I do not want my daughter exposed to seeing her mother living in a home out of wedlock.
yeah. the best of times and the worst of times.
20110718
20110718
This space for rent
Out with the old ecstasy
Yourself through my eyes
Soar upward with singularity
A million million stars traverse
And refrain from falling over
Grown accustomed to comfort
Able to pretend to interact
Shun all the rest
Less than zero
Sold
Out with the old ecstasy
Yourself through my eyes
Soar upward with singularity
A million million stars traverse
And refrain from falling over
Grown accustomed to comfort
Able to pretend to interact
Shun all the rest
Less than zero
Sold
20110717
20110717
lunch: salmon+pickles+mayo on tortilla
dinner: chicken breast, asparagus, homemade banana nut muffins
snacks: chips and rotel
yesterday i fixed up my weight bench area and started doing some bench presses and bent over rows. yesterday night we went over to my brother's and m played with her cousin.
today, i woke up, mowed, weeded, then we went down to mom's house, i ran (+ a trail run back), around four miles..
so i ran wednesday, friday, and sunday.. not bad.
dinner: chicken breast, asparagus, homemade banana nut muffins
snacks: chips and rotel
yesterday i fixed up my weight bench area and started doing some bench presses and bent over rows. yesterday night we went over to my brother's and m played with her cousin.
today, i woke up, mowed, weeded, then we went down to mom's house, i ran (+ a trail run back), around four miles..
so i ran wednesday, friday, and sunday.. not bad.
20110716
20110716
How many times do you say
How'd I ever wind up this way
How many leagues under the sea
Have you sunk your self esteem
An anchorage from ages past
Gives way to unpleasant tasks
Struggles you never asked for
Time to realize less is more
Caught up in your suicide dreams
Everything is what it seems
Reach out to check the scores
Only to find yourself ignored
Write and sing, flail and pine
Losing the war of body and mind
How can anyone ever win
Mirrors hold the secret within
And they're not telling
How'd I ever wind up this way
How many leagues under the sea
Have you sunk your self esteem
An anchorage from ages past
Gives way to unpleasant tasks
Struggles you never asked for
Time to realize less is more
Caught up in your suicide dreams
Everything is what it seems
Reach out to check the scores
Only to find yourself ignored
Write and sing, flail and pine
Losing the war of body and mind
How can anyone ever win
Mirrors hold the secret within
And they're not telling
20110715
20110715
A weight class rejection
Ineligible downfield
The carrier lost connection
As a fate is unsealed
Cry discontent
As a monster hits the mark
Came and went
Broken back in the dark
Ineligible downfield
The carrier lost connection
As a fate is unsealed
Cry discontent
As a monster hits the mark
Came and went
Broken back in the dark
20110714
20110714
thank you for the kind words
part of me, this poetry is shared only for you (and others)
a back seat rendezvous
part of me wants to be part of you
the prophecy sees right through, below
promise me he'll never know
but i knew
i watched it all
unfolding and tearing and crying and swearing alone
please understand the pursuer is sad and mistaken
she's thrown it away for a year and a day with a fool (that's you)
wished it were like it used to be, when we could just sneak away
those promises got in the way, well played
thank you for the kind words
open and honest as long as the pawn's in control (oh no)
you never meant to hurt me
you knew not to wound your prey
wished things were different before i was lifted away
carried away
20110711
20110711
i'm taking a few days off from posting. i have no air conditioning... there's a really long story there, but it's not worth telling on here.
i'm back at work after taking a week off and my kiddo is back from her trip with the in-laws. they can all rest easier and drift back into the shadows as i continue to raise her. until the next vacay! christ.
i'm back at work after taking a week off and my kiddo is back from her trip with the in-laws. they can all rest easier and drift back into the shadows as i continue to raise her. until the next vacay! christ.
20110708
20110708
Appetite for sapping life
Sodomy fools honesty
Inert gas is thinner past
The distance of a chance
Still now, free will allowed
Lesser than a blessed man
To overcome the slower young
And discover he doesn't love her
Laugh it off, for after all
We're better off without her
Sodomy fools honesty
Inert gas is thinner past
The distance of a chance
Still now, free will allowed
Lesser than a blessed man
To overcome the slower young
And discover he doesn't love her
Laugh it off, for after all
We're better off without her
20110707
20110707
like a spade without a stem, a heart turned upside-down on him
always doing as he was told, honorably discharged, too old
to figure out the figure needed, cause and effect the king unseated
a many heir had come to claim, and on her back she would remain
capricious, much like a noble's whim, clamoring to sink or swim
like a spade without a stem, a heart turned upside-down on him
always doing as he was told, honorably discharged, too old
to figure out the figure needed, cause and effect the king unseated
a many heir had come to claim, and on her back she would remain
capricious, much like a noble's whim, clamoring to sink or swim
like a spade without a stem, a heart turned upside-down on him
20110706
20110706
another run this morning, although it wasn't until 10am, which.. in summer terms, is way, way too late. it was a real burner and i am kinda out of it. i got gas and mexican, and am now back at the house, determined to do not much of anything.
a/c people coming tomorrow.
i remarked that i only have escapes and not experiences. i think it's a fairly valid assessment of my life.
a/c people coming tomorrow.
i remarked that i only have escapes and not experiences. i think it's a fairly valid assessment of my life.
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