An ominous morning welcomes me
Bright and bleak, a petulant sky
The heavens seem on fire
Rolling clouds of billowed smoke
My queue to recede
But the rain somehow subsides
And I take my morning walk
Venture out again, inexplicably
With my little furry companion
He's seen it all, knows the score
And he tells me no lies
Dogwood trees bloom in silence
Again fulfilling their quiet hymn
An annual effort stuck on repeat
Now the rain resumes, of course
My queue to recede
So back to the broken home
She's still stuck in my head
But I pried her out of my heart
Somehow it kept beating
Albeit with a few interruptions
Piles of unopened mail
Greet me with sadness
Each with air trapped inside
From some locale I'll never visit
Lists of unfinished projects
Unstarted, designed for two
Stuck in my aging fixer upper
Inevitably I stare inward
Am I an aging project too?
A project on someone else's list
Go ahead and cross it off now
Who can stand the investment
My tiny savior has awakened
Not so tiny anymore
She needs me here, so I take
My queue to recede
20110228
20110228
Nightmare:
Stuck in Florida, no clue where I'm going. I left my car at some high school and ran to some house (apparently mine) I confronted shitty friend #1 trying to take some evidence I had against a. There was a policeman with her, and I managed to convince him that this was my stuff and I didn't have anything. In the end though I helped her cart a huge chest out to her car. I then walked to another school and somehow got a bicycle but I couldn't find my way back to my car. It started snowing (in Florida?) and I got a flat. I called her and woke up.
Stuck in Florida, no clue where I'm going. I left my car at some high school and ran to some house (apparently mine) I confronted shitty friend #1 trying to take some evidence I had against a. There was a policeman with her, and I managed to convince him that this was my stuff and I didn't have anything. In the end though I helped her cart a huge chest out to her car. I then walked to another school and somehow got a bicycle but I couldn't find my way back to my car. It started snowing (in Florida?) and I got a flat. I called her and woke up.
20110227
20110227
She makes life difficult
That's just what she does
Filling in the empty spaces
With a good, strong buzz
Some don't have the capacity
To feel genuine loss
Shot straight through the heart
And she shrugs it off
Wears her dark sunglasses
So no one can reach her soul
Charon would wave her off
She could never pay the toll
That's just what she does
Filling in the empty spaces
With a good, strong buzz
Some don't have the capacity
To feel genuine loss
Shot straight through the heart
And she shrugs it off
Wears her dark sunglasses
So no one can reach her soul
Charon would wave her off
She could never pay the toll
20110226
20110226
Today, m knocked on my back door.. She had run away from a at the park near the house. I took her back, and a had no idea she had run away. She is supposed to go see a movie with shitty friend #1 and #2 and then go to a girl scout thing, but after that I think I'm getting her back tonight.
One weekend a month i wonder.. m is traumatized every time she sees a, just like me.
I wish I could fix m's suffering but, like everything else, I'm powerless. fml.
One weekend a month i wonder.. m is traumatized every time she sees a, just like me.
I wish I could fix m's suffering but, like everything else, I'm powerless. fml.
20110225
20110225
The building was packed
Colored sunlight streaming in
An audience embraced in light
Well dressed and separated
The unmistakable melody begins
A canon in D, clear and bright
There she is, resplendent
Perfection framed in white
Accompanied by a tearful man
Cameras hold their competition
They process past locked faces
Standing and reverent
The focus of everyone present
Including a boy at the altar
Nervous but committed, ready
All the formalities are observed
The ancient ritual is performed
Amongst cold marble and cloth
A setting like an old castle
November even relents for a day
Deference to a few short words
Each repeated as rehearsed
The crux of the occasion
Rings are symbolically exchanged
And there the smiling boy stood
Looking intently at his promise
Happy, for he'd yet to notice
Somewhere behind her eyes
Through her gleaming smile
Around her tears of joy
Past the gleaming white dress
Echoed only in her voice
There lived a collector of sadness
For her vows were but one lie
Amongst a scrapbook of lies
Colored sunlight streaming in
An audience embraced in light
Well dressed and separated
The unmistakable melody begins
A canon in D, clear and bright
There she is, resplendent
Perfection framed in white
Accompanied by a tearful man
Cameras hold their competition
They process past locked faces
Standing and reverent
The focus of everyone present
Including a boy at the altar
Nervous but committed, ready
All the formalities are observed
The ancient ritual is performed
Amongst cold marble and cloth
A setting like an old castle
November even relents for a day
Deference to a few short words
Each repeated as rehearsed
The crux of the occasion
Rings are symbolically exchanged
And there the smiling boy stood
Looking intently at his promise
Happy, for he'd yet to notice
Somewhere behind her eyes
Through her gleaming smile
Around her tears of joy
Past the gleaming white dress
Echoed only in her voice
There lived a collector of sadness
For her vows were but one lie
Amongst a scrapbook of lies
20110224
20110224
It's time to lose it all
Lose the delusions of grandeur
Lose the ridiculous self doubt
Lose the fragile ego
Lose the body image problems
Lose the weight for good
Lose the attitude of failure
Lose the pathetic front
Lose the tortured artist act
Lose the hopeless romantic act
Lose the dreamer facade
Lose the suicidal tendencies
Lose the escape plans
And find happiness
Lose the delusions of grandeur
Lose the ridiculous self doubt
Lose the fragile ego
Lose the body image problems
Lose the weight for good
Lose the attitude of failure
Lose the pathetic front
Lose the tortured artist act
Lose the hopeless romantic act
Lose the dreamer facade
Lose the suicidal tendencies
Lose the escape plans
And find happiness
20110223
20110223-3
Tonight she tells me:
I feel like mommy's already in heaven
Then she gives me dating advice
Then she says she wants a mommy
And also a sister
Because
A sister can't walk away
These are her words
At six
She broke down
Told me she wanted mommy back
We just kinda held each other
Fuck you, a
Fuck you for putting her through this
Fuck you for abandoning us
Fuck you for failing as a mom
Fuck you for giving up
Fuck you for picking right up where you left off with a totally new set of friends and lovers and pretending it's okay
Fuck you for making our daughter cry tears you'll never see, and never understand
Fuck you a.
I feel like mommy's already in heaven
Then she gives me dating advice
Then she says she wants a mommy
And also a sister
Because
A sister can't walk away
These are her words
At six
She broke down
Told me she wanted mommy back
We just kinda held each other
Fuck you, a
Fuck you for putting her through this
Fuck you for abandoning us
Fuck you for failing as a mom
Fuck you for giving up
Fuck you for picking right up where you left off with a totally new set of friends and lovers and pretending it's okay
Fuck you for making our daughter cry tears you'll never see, and never understand
Fuck you a.
20110223-2
It's like a movie you can quote
But can't remember the name
Everyone else laughing at you
Because you forgot to complain
Deposit effort and time
Withdraw a complacent mind
Another foiled escape plan
Still in the palm of her hands
I'll be damned
But can't remember the name
Everyone else laughing at you
Because you forgot to complain
Deposit effort and time
Withdraw a complacent mind
Another foiled escape plan
Still in the palm of her hands
I'll be damned
20110223
In a strange twist of fate
The heroine becomes the enemy
A natural protagonist miscast
She forgot her part completely
Takes to the stage, improvising
Somewhere behind the curtain
He lies in the fetal position
Comic relief in a tragedy
Cast as the fool, never on stage
He just wants this show to end
But he can't bring himself
To cut power to the building
Wait for the end scene first
For dramatic effect, you see
It'll be here before you know it
Though you'll wait a lifetime
The heroine becomes the enemy
A natural protagonist miscast
She forgot her part completely
Takes to the stage, improvising
Somewhere behind the curtain
He lies in the fetal position
Comic relief in a tragedy
Cast as the fool, never on stage
He just wants this show to end
But he can't bring himself
To cut power to the building
Wait for the end scene first
For dramatic effect, you see
It'll be here before you know it
Though you'll wait a lifetime
20110222
20110222-2
Considering making a mix tape of all the music she requested throughout the marriage.
Canon in D
Over and over again
Amazing
Animals
King of anything
Party in the USA
---
Good moms make lousy lovers
But I'd settle for one right now
Canon in D
Over and over again
Amazing
Animals
King of anything
Party in the USA
---
Good moms make lousy lovers
But I'd settle for one right now
20110222
Life in a deep space probe
Hurtling across or falling down
It's all the same to me
Speed has no bearing out here
Trajectory long since forgotten
Make yourself at home
Awaken with the stars
All the wrong stars
No more sunrise and sunset
A permanent fixture of the dark
Cramped and isolated in a shell
Weight finally means nothing
Contact with friends dwindles
Radio picks up less and less
The capsule is your only friend
You were born for this mission
Carry it out, soldier
Hurtling across or falling down
It's all the same to me
Speed has no bearing out here
Trajectory long since forgotten
Make yourself at home
Awaken with the stars
All the wrong stars
No more sunrise and sunset
A permanent fixture of the dark
Cramped and isolated in a shell
Weight finally means nothing
Contact with friends dwindles
Radio picks up less and less
The capsule is your only friend
You were born for this mission
Carry it out, soldier
20110221
20110221-3
Full throttle down a dead end road
In search of a future crime scene
Leaning on yourself like an Escher print
A stoplight with a broken green
In search of a future crime scene
Leaning on yourself like an Escher print
A stoplight with a broken green
20110221-2
Nightmare:
We were at a resort
m was off playing
With little friends
I told a off in front of all her friends
"cheated on me with three
Different guys in three months"
Then went to tell r
Who laughed his ass off
a had stormed off
I found her and we talked
And the discussion seemed frank
At first I hugged her
Then I told her what m said
About how me cooking
Was a lot of work
How she wanted a new mommy
But a started crying
Then flew into a rage, screaming
Blaming my mom of all people
And then I knew in heart
She could never change
Or accept responsibility
We were at a resort
m was off playing
With little friends
I told a off in front of all her friends
"cheated on me with three
Different guys in three months"
Then went to tell r
Who laughed his ass off
a had stormed off
I found her and we talked
And the discussion seemed frank
At first I hugged her
Then I told her what m said
About how me cooking
Was a lot of work
How she wanted a new mommy
But a started crying
Then flew into a rage, screaming
Blaming my mom of all people
And then I knew in heart
She could never change
Or accept responsibility
20110221
I cling to the fear of loss
Spent the afternoon at home
Surrounded by my family
And I loathed the whole thing
I can no longer take for granted
I'm always on guard for loss
It's so very crippling, in truth
What's my revelation this time
I hope it's a positive experience
Bathe in the melody
Of 'Angeles'
Good night, Elliott.
Spent the afternoon at home
Surrounded by my family
And I loathed the whole thing
I can no longer take for granted
I'm always on guard for loss
It's so very crippling, in truth
What's my revelation this time
I hope it's a positive experience
Bathe in the melody
Of 'Angeles'
Good night, Elliott.
20110220
20110220-2
Stop eating, p
You have no self control
Can I succeed?
Only if left to my own devices
I wonder if anyone will ever
Read these notes
You up there, reader
I wish i could tell you all this in person
Instead it must be
Communicated
Like everything else in my life
Impersonal
Indirect
Distant
Detached
sorry about that.
You have no self control
Can I succeed?
Only if left to my own devices
I wonder if anyone will ever
Read these notes
You up there, reader
I wish i could tell you all this in person
Instead it must be
Communicated
Like everything else in my life
Impersonal
Indirect
Distant
Detached
sorry about that.
20110220
A mother's birth comforts
Stationed well out-of-bounds
Look for a way in if you can
Survey for fresh burial mounds
It's a beautiful morning
I wish I could feel beautiful
Rejection has hollowed me out
Stalking my street each day
Like a transplant patient
My shell has hardened again
Ten feet thick
If I do not die from this
I will achieve greatness from it
Stationed well out-of-bounds
Look for a way in if you can
Survey for fresh burial mounds
It's a beautiful morning
I wish I could feel beautiful
Rejection has hollowed me out
Stalking my street each day
Like a transplant patient
My shell has hardened again
Ten feet thick
If I do not die from this
I will achieve greatness from it
20110219
20110219
It's a negativity scene
Mushroom clouds in bloom
Some live the dream
He dreams to live
Pale grey skies surround him
Bright and uncomfortable
Another morning of mourning
False hopes of normalcy
Drives him to action
False notions of intimacy
Test the waters and see
Mockingbirds cry their namesake
A wailing wall of sound
Winter's not quite over yet
Mushroom clouds in bloom
Some live the dream
He dreams to live
Pale grey skies surround him
Bright and uncomfortable
Another morning of mourning
False hopes of normalcy
Drives him to action
False notions of intimacy
Test the waters and see
Mockingbirds cry their namesake
A wailing wall of sound
Winter's not quite over yet
20110218
20110218-2
Today is my stress test
Really I've already been tested
For months if not years
Unseen pain and unseen tears
I'm sure I'll pass
With flying colors
Or fail with flare
Like under the covers
Fuck my poetry
It sucks
No one is ever going to care
Meh
Really I've already been tested
For months if not years
Unseen pain and unseen tears
I'm sure I'll pass
With flying colors
Or fail with flare
Like under the covers
Fuck my poetry
It sucks
No one is ever going to care
Meh
20110218
Kindred spirit
We never made the cut
Except when we did
She asked and I said yes
As always
But words don't come easily
A love was
More than you bargained for
Injured
Occurs to me that
All you were wishing for
Was ignored
We never made the cut
Except when we did
She asked and I said yes
As always
But words don't come easily
A love was
More than you bargained for
Injured
Occurs to me that
All you were wishing for
Was ignored
20110217
20110217
So do I start working on this
My voice needs some training
She's right, as always
If this is ever going to happen
But I don't want anything to
Do I?
Who am I kidding anyway
Seriously
I think I'm done
My voice needs some training
She's right, as always
If this is ever going to happen
But I don't want anything to
Do I?
Who am I kidding anyway
Seriously
I think I'm done
20110216
20110216-2
Cancer sticks and catalogs
Sleeping pills, abandoned dogs
Plan a list, a list of plans
Plans for some unfortunate man
Face and smile and body to match
Pretending that you're still a catch
Fitness plans and one night stands
Supply yourself as in demand
Down below your empty face
I once dug past a lack of faith
A glimpse of sadness so profound
To hear a scream without a sound
An ugly soul was left malformed
Collided with me misinformed
Abridged my memory to our spark
Pleased to know you left a mark
Eyes ringed red, you orbit past
Always came first but couldn't last
Now I'm the guy you see in his car
Tears streaming down like a scar
Sympathy songs blare in his head
Save your pity for her instead
Sleeping pills, abandoned dogs
Plan a list, a list of plans
Plans for some unfortunate man
Face and smile and body to match
Pretending that you're still a catch
Fitness plans and one night stands
Supply yourself as in demand
Down below your empty face
I once dug past a lack of faith
A glimpse of sadness so profound
To hear a scream without a sound
An ugly soul was left malformed
Collided with me misinformed
Abridged my memory to our spark
Pleased to know you left a mark
Eyes ringed red, you orbit past
Always came first but couldn't last
Now I'm the guy you see in his car
Tears streaming down like a scar
Sympathy songs blare in his head
Save your pity for her instead
20110216
The crows cough their greeting
As they have through the eons
Doves answer the call
Others chime in
And before you know it
Spring's melody caresses us all
That's how my life has gone
Her voice, clear and sure
Joined by a chorus of family
A sonorous harmony of love
New friends and old pitch in
And then, to the crowd's delight
A tiny soprano begins anew
A melody descending from heaven
Soon after though
A murder of crows die out
Inevitably, more dissonance
A guy from the audience, talentless
The listeners begin to file out
Shitty friend #1's cacophonous harmony
And finally, after ten years
I realized a was quiet
I sang on for awhile
But the song was long over
The audience had left as well
No applause, just an empty stage
She'd struck up a new tune
With some guy, elsewhere
m looks up at me wondering
But mommy will never sing with us again
I want to write a new number
But I keep writing duets
And no one will join in
They all sound so empty
Toss each work in the trash
And then I realize
m is up there singing
And her song is more beautiful
Then any I've ever heard before
And I'm grateful for the music
Because I can't live without it
So I'll sing it with her
And wait for another to join in
As they have through the eons
Doves answer the call
Others chime in
And before you know it
Spring's melody caresses us all
That's how my life has gone
Her voice, clear and sure
Joined by a chorus of family
A sonorous harmony of love
New friends and old pitch in
And then, to the crowd's delight
A tiny soprano begins anew
A melody descending from heaven
Soon after though
A murder of crows die out
Inevitably, more dissonance
A guy from the audience, talentless
The listeners begin to file out
Shitty friend #1's cacophonous harmony
And finally, after ten years
I realized a was quiet
I sang on for awhile
But the song was long over
The audience had left as well
No applause, just an empty stage
She'd struck up a new tune
With some guy, elsewhere
m looks up at me wondering
But mommy will never sing with us again
I want to write a new number
But I keep writing duets
And no one will join in
They all sound so empty
Toss each work in the trash
And then I realize
m is up there singing
And her song is more beautiful
Then any I've ever heard before
And I'm grateful for the music
Because I can't live without it
So I'll sing it with her
And wait for another to join in
20110215
20110215
Find your pleasure elsewhere
They ripped your smile apart
Careful to drown your cares
Finish they even think to start
My head should be examined
Turned on me with blasphemy
My heart was left abandoned
Vultures feel free, pick it clean
Glory/Story
Back seat driving me insane
Eyes circled red like orbiting
They ripped your smile apart
Careful to drown your cares
Finish they even think to start
My head should be examined
Turned on me with blasphemy
My heart was left abandoned
Vultures feel free, pick it clean
Glory/Story
Back seat driving me insane
Eyes circled red like orbiting
20110214
20110214-2
I want to proclaim my innocence
Cry freedom from the hilltops
But no words will bring solace
No sentiment will bring her back
I don't mean her as in a
I mean her as in who i married
The girl I fell in love with
The girl I was ready to die with
That poor girl met her fate
Long ago now, many years ago
Perhaps at my hands
In absentia
I need to find my hatred for her
This other emotion
This abomination of love and lust
And regret and longing
Is doing me right the fuck in
But I'm still innocent
And I'm still in search of her
Whoever she is
The panacea
A girl who sings in her car
A girl who dreams from afar
That quiet girl
Who has yet to meet her fate
As her fate is me
Or maybe I'm dreaming again
And I should just wake up
To the reality of solitude
And the grinding halt of a clock
In my idealistic soul, dying
What a tragedy
Another jaded enemy combatant
Another satisfied customer
Force fed the fairy tales
Until I believed every word
Maybe there's only one
Happy ending
The one at the end of the world
Cry freedom from the hilltops
But no words will bring solace
No sentiment will bring her back
I don't mean her as in a
I mean her as in who i married
The girl I fell in love with
The girl I was ready to die with
That poor girl met her fate
Long ago now, many years ago
Perhaps at my hands
In absentia
I need to find my hatred for her
This other emotion
This abomination of love and lust
And regret and longing
Is doing me right the fuck in
But I'm still innocent
And I'm still in search of her
Whoever she is
The panacea
A girl who sings in her car
A girl who dreams from afar
That quiet girl
Who has yet to meet her fate
As her fate is me
Or maybe I'm dreaming again
And I should just wake up
To the reality of solitude
And the grinding halt of a clock
In my idealistic soul, dying
What a tragedy
Another jaded enemy combatant
Another satisfied customer
Force fed the fairy tales
Until I believed every word
Maybe there's only one
Happy ending
The one at the end of the world
20110214
Valentine's Day..
I always hated the concept
I remember our first one tho
Bought her sapphire earrings
FIL joked I was setting the bar too high
And maybe I was
You should think about that
About how your gifts changed
You fell out of love too p
Was it because of her cheating
Maybe so
Or because of her attitude
She is a shitty person p
She sucked the life out of you
And when it came time for m
She had nothing prepared
No parenting plan available
She mistreated her
Misunderstood her
And still does, even after all this
DONT LONG FOR HER P
Pity her
Don't give her the satisfaction
MOVE ON
or else.
You can lose enough weight to fit into all your shirts again
Or die
And fit into only one.
I always hated the concept
I remember our first one tho
Bought her sapphire earrings
FIL joked I was setting the bar too high
And maybe I was
You should think about that
About how your gifts changed
You fell out of love too p
Was it because of her cheating
Maybe so
Or because of her attitude
She is a shitty person p
She sucked the life out of you
And when it came time for m
She had nothing prepared
No parenting plan available
She mistreated her
Misunderstood her
And still does, even after all this
DONT LONG FOR HER P
Pity her
Don't give her the satisfaction
MOVE ON
or else.
You can lose enough weight to fit into all your shirts again
Or die
And fit into only one.
20110213
20110213-3
So we're going to the park
She mentioned internet boyfriend's kids
They are 9 and 4
She said something about
The little girl being in charge
And I told her to call me
If that ever happened...
She said she didn't want to go to roller derby and went anyway
And apparently a spent the whole time socializing ..
More good news.....
I'll be the guy in his car
Tears on his cheek like a scar
Cause we're all gonna bite it
So clamp down, why fight it
Axis of the world turned over
Left the honest ones ducking for cover
Smile the gift and frown the curse
Truth isn't even found in thus verse
For I know little more than most
And little less than the heavenly host
I've seen the effects of free will
As another benevolent heart is still
Either let her see the error of her ways
Or please dear whoever let me turn the page
She mentioned internet boyfriend's kids
They are 9 and 4
She said something about
The little girl being in charge
And I told her to call me
If that ever happened...
She said she didn't want to go to roller derby and went anyway
And apparently a spent the whole time socializing ..
More good news.....
I'll be the guy in his car
Tears on his cheek like a scar
Cause we're all gonna bite it
So clamp down, why fight it
Axis of the world turned over
Left the honest ones ducking for cover
Smile the gift and frown the curse
Truth isn't even found in thus verse
For I know little more than most
And little less than the heavenly host
I've seen the effects of free will
As another benevolent heart is still
Either let her see the error of her ways
Or please dear whoever let me turn the page
20110213-2
Saw her again today
And she looked so damn good
But it wasn't ever so for me
Squeeze out the emotion
Wick away the feeling
Absorb most of the impact
Stress wells and beads up on me
Wring out the misaimed love
Again means never again
Waste more hard-earned tears
Now pour in the rest of yourself
You bitter old fool
Happiness was never for you
Grow old in defeat
Tell your pathetic story
For an audience of zero
And she looked so damn good
But it wasn't ever so for me
Squeeze out the emotion
Wick away the feeling
Absorb most of the impact
Stress wells and beads up on me
Wring out the misaimed love
Again means never again
Waste more hard-earned tears
Now pour in the rest of yourself
You bitter old fool
Happiness was never for you
Grow old in defeat
Tell your pathetic story
For an audience of zero
20111213
Feign your independence
Proclaim failed innocence
Strum the newest chords
Compose the oldest melodies
Baselines and bass lines
This unending pain in my chest
Try to pay no mind, seriously
It's my wife breaking my heart
May be a bit longer to linger
The dissonance is a warm blanket
Don't let it take me under
Proclaim failed innocence
Strum the newest chords
Compose the oldest melodies
Baselines and bass lines
This unending pain in my chest
Try to pay no mind, seriously
It's my wife breaking my heart
May be a bit longer to linger
The dissonance is a warm blanket
Don't let it take me under
20110212
20110212
Body image a constant obsession
Flesh precedes the mind
Stress manifests to suffering
Running with her, so far behind
Doesn't know we're competing
Probably doesn't even care
Ten years gone and lies surface
Caused with nary a blank stare
Are there real emotions in her
Feelings her punchline to a joke
I'm sure it's amusing to someone
Not to me, not to me, this yolk
Lynched with a thread of truth
Her affection migrates around
Raised to her imaginary pedestal
Just in time to sink back down
Flesh precedes the mind
Stress manifests to suffering
Running with her, so far behind
Doesn't know we're competing
Probably doesn't even care
Ten years gone and lies surface
Caused with nary a blank stare
Are there real emotions in her
Feelings her punchline to a joke
I'm sure it's amusing to someone
Not to me, not to me, this yolk
Lynched with a thread of truth
Her affection migrates around
Raised to her imaginary pedestal
Just in time to sink back down
20110211
20110211-3
Bend the note, break the string
I'll know what's wrong with me
Descending in a chromatic destiny
Crescendo of cosmic impertinence
Is this feeling my new okay?
Is this my new reality?
Reversal of misfortune
Pressured into compliance
Write the lyrics to a revolt
Get your prescription filled
Push and turn, open and burn
Daily share of self abuse
Does the body bad
There's no alternative now
Lose the weight, and your mind
You are scared of wherever
Eyes cast downward like bad dice
I'll know what's wrong with me
Descending in a chromatic destiny
Crescendo of cosmic impertinence
Is this feeling my new okay?
Is this my new reality?
Reversal of misfortune
Pressured into compliance
Write the lyrics to a revolt
Get your prescription filled
Push and turn, open and burn
Daily share of self abuse
Does the body bad
There's no alternative now
Lose the weight, and your mind
You are scared of wherever
Eyes cast downward like bad dice
20110211-2
There is no correct answer
The test is a trick question
You failed at the altar
And died at the doctor's office
But life is looking up
As long as you don't look down
The test is a trick question
You failed at the altar
And died at the doctor's office
But life is looking up
As long as you don't look down
20110211
My hands are numb
Weird feelings in my head
Chest is tight and dull pains
Short of breath
Irritable bowels
Can I make it to 9:45?
Only God knows
Weird feelings in my head
Chest is tight and dull pains
Short of breath
Irritable bowels
Can I make it to 9:45?
Only God knows
20110210
20110210-2
So here I sit again, gents
I don't know if I'll last the night
My heart is broken, literally
Is this my emotional downfall?
Manifesting itself physically?
I'm probably overreacting
All I know is tomorrow
I am getting her to school
Going to the doctor
Confessing my medical sins
And hopefully
My penance will be acceptable
I don't know if I'll last the night
My heart is broken, literally
Is this my emotional downfall?
Manifesting itself physically?
I'm probably overreacting
All I know is tomorrow
I am getting her to school
Going to the doctor
Confessing my medical sins
And hopefully
My penance will be acceptable
20110210
I live another day apparently
Another game of chance
Jittery heart beats unsure
Will it stop? I hope not.
If undone, if I don't last the night
I love m and that's all.
Another game of chance
Jittery heart beats unsure
Will it stop? I hope not.
If undone, if I don't last the night
I love m and that's all.
20110209
20110209
The next part of my life
Is to take nothing for granted
Love every second of it
Because as it turns out
Life is our most precious resource
I still feel very unsettled
After my attack
And I don't know if it was
A panic attack
Or something worse
But it felt like I was truly
Knocking on heaven's door
And at this point
I'm not sure if I was getting in
I'm sorry for ever blaspheming
Or taking it for granted
Please help me live for her sake
Please don't take anyone else
Away from her
She is all I've got
And I'm all she's got
My work here is not done!
I'm sorry.
Is to take nothing for granted
Love every second of it
Because as it turns out
Life is our most precious resource
I still feel very unsettled
After my attack
And I don't know if it was
A panic attack
Or something worse
But it felt like I was truly
Knocking on heaven's door
And at this point
I'm not sure if I was getting in
I'm sorry for ever blaspheming
Or taking it for granted
Please help me live for her sake
Please don't take anyone else
Away from her
She is all I've got
And I'm all she's got
My work here is not done!
I'm sorry.
20110208
20110208-3
I either had a heart attack or fluttering during a meeting. Scariest moment of my life just happened and I was frozen solid.
Lasted about five-ten minutes.. Time kinda went out from under me.
Am I dying?
Are you trying to tell me to wake up?
Surely I'm not gonna go at x.
I love you so much m. I'm sorry I might not be around to help you grow up but I promise I'll be your guardian angel. Every time you feel scared just remember that I'm there and I'm watching.
Everything will be alright.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
Lasted about five-ten minutes.. Time kinda went out from under me.
Am I dying?
Are you trying to tell me to wake up?
Surely I'm not gonna go at x.
I love you so much m. I'm sorry I might not be around to help you grow up but I promise I'll be your guardian angel. Every time you feel scared just remember that I'm there and I'm watching.
Everything will be alright.
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!
20110208-2
The castle is quiet tonight
Crowds have dwindled finally
Adventurers moved on
Boats with a skeleton crew ferry no one to nowhere
I sit on the parapets
An outcropping onto loneliness
Where have all my friends gone
Crowds have dwindled finally
Adventurers moved on
Boats with a skeleton crew ferry no one to nowhere
I sit on the parapets
An outcropping onto loneliness
Where have all my friends gone
20110208
Skies dim toward the darkness
Eyes flirt with the din of solitude
Feasting on oblivion all over again
Fuck her, with every part of me
Eyes flirt with the din of solitude
Feasting on oblivion all over again
Fuck her, with every part of me
20110207
20110207
Strange how it works
Childish need left uncontrolled
And the targets you pick
Clearly more unattainable goals
Perhaps it's encouraging
Although completely misplaced
To still have some fire left
Now to find my lover's true face
Winning on your own scoreboard
Pretending that you're not ignored
Volume knobs broken since birth
Broadcasting your own self worth
Childish need left uncontrolled
And the targets you pick
Clearly more unattainable goals
Perhaps it's encouraging
Although completely misplaced
To still have some fire left
Now to find my lover's true face
Winning on your own scoreboard
Pretending that you're not ignored
Volume knobs broken since birth
Broadcasting your own self worth
20110206
20110206-2
I can already tell
From the comfort of my bed
That we're living in hell
And the world's already dead
Uplifting and restrained
A million million drama cases
Hitch in your getalong
Hole in my soul ween-type country song
From the comfort of my bed
That we're living in hell
And the world's already dead
Uplifting and restrained
A million million drama cases
Hitch in your getalong
Hole in my soul ween-type country song
20110206
How fucking horrible is she?
She wished m was never born so she wouldn't have been stuck in our marriage.
She actually fucking SAID this to o.
I loathe her so much ...
I need to write about something else.. because thinking about it is just too much right now.
Out of sight, out of mind
There's this game I've been playing
It's called Trump the Tragedy.
Every time your ex does or says something you didn't think her capable of, you win a point. I'm guessing I have the high score in this contest, but I'm not sure.
She wished m was never born so she wouldn't have been stuck in our marriage.
She actually fucking SAID this to o.
I loathe her so much ...
I need to write about something else.. because thinking about it is just too much right now.
Out of sight, out of mind
There's this game I've been playing
It's called Trump the Tragedy.
Every time your ex does or says something you didn't think her capable of, you win a point. I'm guessing I have the high score in this contest, but I'm not sure.
20110205
20110205-2
Thoroughly unmotivated today
Haven't done shit today
Except work on 'Trunk Bay'
All I care about is my music
I'm not sure if it's healthy
It's therapy but is it working?
I need to give m my time
Instead of failing to parent
The tv has been on all day long
I can't do this much longer
Haven't done shit today
Except work on 'Trunk Bay'
All I care about is my music
I'm not sure if it's healthy
It's therapy but is it working?
I need to give m my time
Instead of failing to parent
The tv has been on all day long
I can't do this much longer
20110205
Take your favorite song
Do your best to sing along
But only the harmony
It protects and keeps us warm
You know every word by heart
But I guess it has to end
Doesn't it?
I'm running out of breath
Singing that last note to death
Expecting you to come in
But you went and changed tracks
And you aren't coming back
So I guess it had to end
Sometime
Didn't it?
Do your best to sing along
But only the harmony
It protects and keeps us warm
You know every word by heart
But I guess it has to end
Doesn't it?
I'm running out of breath
Singing that last note to death
Expecting you to come in
But you went and changed tracks
And you aren't coming back
So I guess it had to end
Sometime
Didn't it?
20110204
20110204-2
Nightmare:
Went on a vacation with the fam
Then I left for another place
Showed up alone
In this small motel room
It's in shambles
I watch a porno
And a's in it
With some other girl
She won't answer the phone
And I lose my mind
Went on a vacation with the fam
Then I left for another place
Showed up alone
In this small motel room
It's in shambles
I watch a porno
And a's in it
With some other girl
She won't answer the phone
And I lose my mind
20110204
Hanging on by a thread
The world pulls more each day
Stretching the limits of me
She is a mask of contentment
I caught a glimpse inside
The suffering and pain she hides
This is killing her, and I'm glad
Not the only one who was had
But she misses the right tool
It'll eat up all her cool
Spit her back onto the street
Where I hope we never meet
Cause now I just miss my friend
But this nightmare never ends
My soul abated
A demon sated
Save us
Please?
The world pulls more each day
Stretching the limits of me
She is a mask of contentment
I caught a glimpse inside
The suffering and pain she hides
This is killing her, and I'm glad
Not the only one who was had
But she misses the right tool
It'll eat up all her cool
Spit her back onto the street
Where I hope we never meet
Cause now I just miss my friend
But this nightmare never ends
My soul abated
A demon sated
Save us
Please?
20110204-3
the only difference in how you live your life is the headcount.
i filled her to the brim with my soul but when i was thirsty there was nothing to drink.
take your favorite song
do your best to sing along
but only the harmony
it protects and keeps you warm
know every word by heart
but i guess it has to end
sometime
doesn't it?
i'm running out of breath
singing that last note to death
expecting you to come in
but you went and changed tracks
and you aren't coming back
so i guess it had to end
sometime
didn't it?
i filled her to the brim with my soul but when i was thirsty there was nothing to drink.
take your favorite song
do your best to sing along
but only the harmony
it protects and keeps you warm
know every word by heart
but i guess it has to end
sometime
doesn't it?
i'm running out of breath
singing that last note to death
expecting you to come in
but you went and changed tracks
and you aren't coming back
so i guess it had to end
sometime
didn't it?
20110203
20110203-3
Grew up and down too quickly
Taught to mislead and distrust
An old parlor trick
Young to old and born to rust
It's never enough for her
To be in command of her world
Her happiness is a list of demands
Her diary is a ransom note
Her mind a poisonous puddle
Her heart nothing but trouble
All the whimsy of a traffic light
Far too flimsy to ever put right
Taught to mislead and distrust
An old parlor trick
Young to old and born to rust
It's never enough for her
To be in command of her world
Her happiness is a list of demands
Her diary is a ransom note
Her mind a poisonous puddle
Her heart nothing but trouble
All the whimsy of a traffic light
Far too flimsy to ever put right
20110203-2
There are no tomorrows
Today just trips over itself
Canned lines under the opener
Pride peels to sorrow
Come back tomorrow
Every bite inching back
Towards failure's old pact
Sold like a raffle
Floored by a tackle
Today just trips over itself
Canned lines under the opener
Pride peels to sorrow
Come back tomorrow
Every bite inching back
Towards failure's old pact
Sold like a raffle
Floored by a tackle
20110203
So my game account expires
The same day I turn papers in
Do you believe in coincidence
Hope against hope in spite of it
Can I make it through this
Droning in the background
Arpeggiated relief in my ears
Elliott soothes some of my pain
She promises me to keep
Her new men away from m
Until we're "finalized"
Whatever that means
She's losing her job
Can't make her cc payments
Uninvited to the vacation
Cries on the phone at me
And yet...
I'm no longer a cast member
In her dreadful soap opera
She's on her descent
A pavement freefall
Cameras follow her down
She winks at the onlookers
Even bad press is good press
It still hurts seeing her suffer
Her adultery still trumps it
And my little girl still sleeps
Scared and fragile
Each day I piece her back together
Take what's left of the love
The core of your promise
And box it up, hide it well
Forget your secrets if you can
Leave your hiding place forever
Focus on yourself for a change
For a change
The same day I turn papers in
Do you believe in coincidence
Hope against hope in spite of it
Can I make it through this
Droning in the background
Arpeggiated relief in my ears
Elliott soothes some of my pain
She promises me to keep
Her new men away from m
Until we're "finalized"
Whatever that means
She's losing her job
Can't make her cc payments
Uninvited to the vacation
Cries on the phone at me
And yet...
I'm no longer a cast member
In her dreadful soap opera
She's on her descent
A pavement freefall
Cameras follow her down
She winks at the onlookers
Even bad press is good press
It still hurts seeing her suffer
Her adultery still trumps it
And my little girl still sleeps
Scared and fragile
Each day I piece her back together
Take what's left of the love
The core of your promise
And box it up, hide it well
Forget your secrets if you can
Leave your hiding place forever
Focus on yourself for a change
For a change
20110202
20110202-2
I want to tell her so much
But the girl I loved is gone
I want to talk to who she was
Take her hand and walk along
But the girl I loved is gone
Replaced by the offender
An anxious little imposter
Rejoicing in her selfishness
I'd give it all for just one word
But the girl I loved is gone
I cannot renounce my tulip
An image of her past self I see
I search her eyes for a sign
But the girl I loved is gone
But the girl I loved is gone
I want to talk to who she was
Take her hand and walk along
But the girl I loved is gone
Replaced by the offender
An anxious little imposter
Rejoicing in her selfishness
I'd give it all for just one word
But the girl I loved is gone
I cannot renounce my tulip
An image of her past self I see
I search her eyes for a sign
But the girl I loved is gone
20110202
Almost two months it's been
Her pain is still my pain
She's nowhere near happy
An idle car in the smoke and rain
Papers signed and handed over
What is she thinking now
Explorer's map to ruin isle
Two friends affixed with frowns
I need advice on fading out
Falling fast, Falling faster
Fall right on through
Straight towards disaster
Her pain is still my pain
She's nowhere near happy
An idle car in the smoke and rain
Papers signed and handed over
What is she thinking now
Explorer's map to ruin isle
Two friends affixed with frowns
I need advice on fading out
Falling fast, Falling faster
Fall right on through
Straight towards disaster
20110201
20110201-2
My borrowed soulmate
With her overdue fees
A decade in paradise
Return flight crashed unseen
Chanced upon your old letters
Poetry with no need to rhyme
A decade in paradise
But it was only a matter of time
Taped back into the box
Love no longer lives here
A decade in paradise
Replaced by a life of fear
I fought and lost it all
Kicking and screaming again
A decade in paradise
And the walls are closing in
One squeeze and done
That's all it will take
A decade in paradise
But uninvited to the wake
With her overdue fees
A decade in paradise
Return flight crashed unseen
Chanced upon your old letters
Poetry with no need to rhyme
A decade in paradise
But it was only a matter of time
Taped back into the box
Love no longer lives here
A decade in paradise
Replaced by a life of fear
I fought and lost it all
Kicking and screaming again
A decade in paradise
And the walls are closing in
One squeeze and done
That's all it will take
A decade in paradise
But uninvited to the wake
20110201
Portray the martyred son again
Sacrificed on the path to truth
Laws were made to be broken
And so it went with my heart
Intrigue and bitter deception
Create the landlocked soul
You had every choice available
But this time, you chose poorly
Now you search for a sign
Weeds amongst the wheat
Searching for a sunrise
In the middle of the night
Hiding in the covers
Just out of sight
My mind is in custody
For a crime it didn't commit
Sentenced to a life apart
For a love it couldn't quit
Sacrificed on the path to truth
Laws were made to be broken
And so it went with my heart
Intrigue and bitter deception
Create the landlocked soul
You had every choice available
But this time, you chose poorly
Now you search for a sign
Weeds amongst the wheat
Searching for a sunrise
In the middle of the night
Hiding in the covers
Just out of sight
My mind is in custody
For a crime it didn't commit
Sentenced to a life apart
For a love it couldn't quit
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