I browse the latest contestants
A loop of music clouding my mind
They'd never get the shyness
Who'd identify with that defect
My lifelong writer's block hits
All witty retorts in my rearview
A soft panic settles in as usual
I can't even write songs lately
If that goes, I might have to go
Awkward syllogism of deference
Speak softly and carry nothing
An old friend was in my dreams
Toting around women like parcels
Meanwhile his fat sidekick laughs
And suffers anew.
20110430
20110429
20110429
Her iniquities now public facing
A soul smeared into fresh dirt
The latest victim to prop her up
Name dropping simply for effect
Each name newly purchased
Her unprofitable prostitution ring
But it never fits her finger right
Each name a sharpened knife set
Thrown at my stained glass home
A shattered window to the world
Pulling all the shards takes time
Hasn't she settled the score yet
Punishing our memory in absentia
Does she relish the pain caused
Tossing my dead ashes wherever
Does she grasp the significance
I'll bet she'd just say whatever
A soul smeared into fresh dirt
The latest victim to prop her up
Name dropping simply for effect
Each name newly purchased
Her unprofitable prostitution ring
But it never fits her finger right
Each name a sharpened knife set
Thrown at my stained glass home
A shattered window to the world
Pulling all the shards takes time
Hasn't she settled the score yet
Punishing our memory in absentia
Does she relish the pain caused
Tossing my dead ashes wherever
Does she grasp the significance
I'll bet she'd just say whatever
20110428
20110428
Imitation fabric of the universe
Game of pretend with no rules
The look and feel of comfort
The taste and touch of regret
Over and over again you hear it
You'll probably be just fine
Fine was always less than good
We're grading on condition right
Just past the last dead end road
On a burned out property
A drab little scene of solitude
An old "for sale by owner" sign
With the number scratched out
The lockbox only had one key.
Game of pretend with no rules
The look and feel of comfort
The taste and touch of regret
Over and over again you hear it
You'll probably be just fine
Fine was always less than good
We're grading on condition right
Just past the last dead end road
On a burned out property
A drab little scene of solitude
An old "for sale by owner" sign
With the number scratched out
The lockbox only had one key.
20110427
20110427
let's see. m turned off the alarm clock. serendipitously(!), mom called at 7:40 to check on us cause it rained, and that woke me up somehow (vibrating from across the room). we got up and m even made the bed while i got cleaned up and dressed. made her some chocolate eggos and oj at breakneck pace, poured some goldfish into a ziploc for her snack and amazingly, got her to school on time.
hadn't had time to bother with the dog so instead of work i drove home. took him on a quick walk in the rain, he did his business, then had some breakfast of his own. finally, i drive into work. oh right, i left my umbrella at the office yesterday and it's pouring. also, my jacket has no hood, so i draped it over my head and walked in. did i mention i park about a mile away because i refuse to pay the $30 a month extortion fee for the "privilege" of the parking garage?
got into work, soaked, and began my fun-filled workday with voice mail messages and countless emails. and it's still raining at 3pm. fml.
hadn't had time to bother with the dog so instead of work i drove home. took him on a quick walk in the rain, he did his business, then had some breakfast of his own. finally, i drive into work. oh right, i left my umbrella at the office yesterday and it's pouring. also, my jacket has no hood, so i draped it over my head and walked in. did i mention i park about a mile away because i refuse to pay the $30 a month extortion fee for the "privilege" of the parking garage?
got into work, soaked, and began my fun-filled workday with voice mail messages and countless emails. and it's still raining at 3pm. fml.
20110426
20110426
another day, choked by appetite
rain pisses on all the new life
drowning in the repetition of it
the patron saint of loneliness
protect and serve at the altar
the moon's never happy with her shape
you're never happy while you're awake
rain pisses on all the new life
drowning in the repetition of it
the patron saint of loneliness
protect and serve at the altar
the moon's never happy with her shape
you're never happy while you're awake
20110425
20110425
hello ocd, welcome back. got engrossed in a book previously relegated to my bathroom for months, and finished it last night. 300+ pgs. i feel like i need to read again for awhile. i have a love for words, and the more i read the better i'll write. ted bell has some sort of unhealthy addiction to the word "sanguine". it always amuses me to see authors who're attached to certain words. i also get a perverse pleasure from looking up terms i'm unfamiliar with mid-book. railbird was a one such term i'd never heard of before last night. Warlord was not a good book to be honest, highly derivative and predictable, but enjoyable in its own way.
20110424
20110424-2
and then i broke into tears on the way home from church. it's been awhile since i've had a good solid crying fit. luckily m rode down to the grandparents with them afterwards, and was spared the brunt of it. i told whoever it is who listens when you pray that this would be the last time i darkened the church with my presence for a long time, and i made one last apology and asked for leniency/pity/happiness for my child. and that's that.
my brother's church was stuffy but beautiful, and i was surrounded by family. family members in front of me who i can't even really remember how i'm related to, the attractive cousin or whatever she is turning around to do m's hair before the service, the somewhat creepy uncle who kept talking to m about pulling out her tooth (she almost lost it mid-service, it'll be out today for sure), my brother behind me leaning over to make jokes, my sister on one side of us, my parents on the other, and my bored little child next to me, shoving me with an elbow. and all i wanted was to simply get up, and leave. i gave it an hour out of respect and that's precisely what i did.
now i'm going to dry my tears, get some more comfortable clothes on, and head south, in all possible meanings.
chickens and eggs and all these fertility symbols, lillies trumpeting the arrival of someone who has risen, and through sheer will i am reborn as well. but into what?
my brother's church was stuffy but beautiful, and i was surrounded by family. family members in front of me who i can't even really remember how i'm related to, the attractive cousin or whatever she is turning around to do m's hair before the service, the somewhat creepy uncle who kept talking to m about pulling out her tooth (she almost lost it mid-service, it'll be out today for sure), my brother behind me leaning over to make jokes, my sister on one side of us, my parents on the other, and my bored little child next to me, shoving me with an elbow. and all i wanted was to simply get up, and leave. i gave it an hour out of respect and that's precisely what i did.
now i'm going to dry my tears, get some more comfortable clothes on, and head south, in all possible meanings.
chickens and eggs and all these fertility symbols, lillies trumpeting the arrival of someone who has risen, and through sheer will i am reborn as well. but into what?
20110424
I wonder if she can tell yet
She was so excited this morning
The elusive tinker bell basket
Woke me up just to go check
"The Easter bunny packed this"
With his little bunny hands ;)
The truth of it is, I envy her
She can live in fantasy still
Let imagination conquer her fear
That light in her eyes drives me
Helps me to rekindle simplicity
Better yet, to reimagine real joy
She said the only thing missing
Was that I didn't get anything
I realized that she understands
The need for transitive happiness
It makes my heart swell proudly
Knowing she has chosen correctly
Which direction her heart will go
Given the current situation
And she definitely had a choice
At age six, she chose kindness
Perhaps that is my gift today
She was so excited this morning
The elusive tinker bell basket
Woke me up just to go check
"The Easter bunny packed this"
With his little bunny hands ;)
The truth of it is, I envy her
She can live in fantasy still
Let imagination conquer her fear
That light in her eyes drives me
Helps me to rekindle simplicity
Better yet, to reimagine real joy
She said the only thing missing
Was that I didn't get anything
I realized that she understands
The need for transitive happiness
It makes my heart swell proudly
Knowing she has chosen correctly
Which direction her heart will go
Given the current situation
And she definitely had a choice
At age six, she chose kindness
Perhaps that is my gift today
20110423
20110423-2
Some people just aren't cut out to be parents. Quote of the morning: "She threw up on this comforter, and it cost me $25 to clean it". I'm speechless.
I came very, very close to posting this on facebook, but decided against it.
I came very, very close to posting this on facebook, but decided against it.
20110423
The turtle dove croons a greeting
Is she happy or sad, I can't tell
Old, dead trees and sproutlings
It's the same way the world over
The sky blues and reds coalesce
Painting a picture I can't touch
This is what I was searching for
Perhaps there is no happy vs sad
Our world ebbs and flows apart
Cyclical seesaw of good and bad
Kids are sold false goals early
Grow up prepared for happiness
But the world knows the truth
Peace is at war with itself
Happiness only is so unbalanced
You can strive for neither really
Because the world gives you both
Whether you want them or not
---
and so I woke up and wrote these words on my morning walk with Flynn the terrier mix. i was really looking forward to a decent saturday where i could get some things done and relax as well. it was around 6:45 when i dared traverse that unholy portal to shelob's lair known as my shed. amazingly, the mower started after just a few pulls. the gas can nozzle broke, piece of shit plastic. i left the headphones on although i could only hear a small bit of elliott. i was on my driveway, not even to my front yard, when the following text arrives:
a @ 6:56 AM:
She has been throwing up and shitting on herself half the night. We don't know what's wrong, but you're going to need to come get her pretty soon. I'm sick too. She needs Immodium or something.
i'm livid. i just say fuck it and mow my grass anyway. afterwards, i call my mom and we bitch together a bit at her ineptitude. my former mother-in-law is coming for mother's day, and my dad suggests that i tell her that friday morning that kiddo is sick and can't come, just to fuck with them. i laugh, and then finally reply to a.
me @ 7:41 AM:
Alright.. there are a few things i have to get done this morning, so pretend you're her mom for a few hours, and i'll be by to pick her up before noon.
a:
I have been taking care of her p but she needs to be at home when she can be. i'm sick too. i can't leave her to go to the store and she keeps pooping on herself!
me:
she's not on vacation a.. what if she gets sick on mother's day weekend, you gonna cast her off then too? accept some small modicum of responsibility for a few hours and i'll be there when i can.
a:
It's fine... I just wanted you let you know she's got something, and as I'm sick, I can't completely attend to her. She needs Immodium, which I dont have. Just let me know when you're coming.
after this, i decide to go running. i put in another four miles (ran four yesterday as well) and get back, get cleaned up, do some laundry, and write this blog entry. and i'm in a much better mood. i'm glad i didn't cave in to her whining, at least not immediately. planning on taking a vernors ginger ale over there and picking up my little sweetie in a little bit. have a happy Ēostre, readers.
Is she happy or sad, I can't tell
Old, dead trees and sproutlings
It's the same way the world over
The sky blues and reds coalesce
Painting a picture I can't touch
This is what I was searching for
Perhaps there is no happy vs sad
Our world ebbs and flows apart
Cyclical seesaw of good and bad
Kids are sold false goals early
Grow up prepared for happiness
But the world knows the truth
Peace is at war with itself
Happiness only is so unbalanced
You can strive for neither really
Because the world gives you both
Whether you want them or not
---
and so I woke up and wrote these words on my morning walk with Flynn the terrier mix. i was really looking forward to a decent saturday where i could get some things done and relax as well. it was around 6:45 when i dared traverse that unholy portal to shelob's lair known as my shed. amazingly, the mower started after just a few pulls. the gas can nozzle broke, piece of shit plastic. i left the headphones on although i could only hear a small bit of elliott. i was on my driveway, not even to my front yard, when the following text arrives:
a @ 6:56 AM:
She has been throwing up and shitting on herself half the night. We don't know what's wrong, but you're going to need to come get her pretty soon. I'm sick too. She needs Immodium or something.
i'm livid. i just say fuck it and mow my grass anyway. afterwards, i call my mom and we bitch together a bit at her ineptitude. my former mother-in-law is coming for mother's day, and my dad suggests that i tell her that friday morning that kiddo is sick and can't come, just to fuck with them. i laugh, and then finally reply to a.
me @ 7:41 AM:
Alright.. there are a few things i have to get done this morning, so pretend you're her mom for a few hours, and i'll be by to pick her up before noon.
a:
I have been taking care of her p but she needs to be at home when she can be. i'm sick too. i can't leave her to go to the store and she keeps pooping on herself!
me:
she's not on vacation a.. what if she gets sick on mother's day weekend, you gonna cast her off then too? accept some small modicum of responsibility for a few hours and i'll be there when i can.
a:
It's fine... I just wanted you let you know she's got something, and as I'm sick, I can't completely attend to her. She needs Immodium, which I dont have. Just let me know when you're coming.
after this, i decide to go running. i put in another four miles (ran four yesterday as well) and get back, get cleaned up, do some laundry, and write this blog entry. and i'm in a much better mood. i'm glad i didn't cave in to her whining, at least not immediately. planning on taking a vernors ginger ale over there and picking up my little sweetie in a little bit. have a happy Ēostre, readers.
20110422
20110422
Every day a rebalancing act
Food is such a horrible crutch
Each day a fucking tug of war
The dimmer goes off, sweet
--- zZz ---
Wakes up wherever she slept
Grabs her things off some drawer
Makes another hasty escape
Clouded eyes search for her car
The chameleon changes shape
Face like she lost a bet
Ready for the next engagement
Smells like the latest pet
this weekend is supposedly about someone coming back from the dead. i'm just done giving a shit about it. i've given a third of my life over to this skewed ideology out of fear and guilt and some ridiculous pavlovian whim to be rewarded by falling in line. i had a goddamn hamburger for lunch. others may be more resilient than me in these situations, but i am not most people. it's friday afternoon and i'm going running. my kid is in the hands of a shitty woman but i need a night to myself. she tells me "have fun on your date" like we're two old friends. the actual act of divorce will make no difference to me. i am 99% content with living apart.. at least right now. i'll play my xbox and my guitar and take a little time for myself. and maybe somewhere down the lost highway, i can come back from the dead too.
Food is such a horrible crutch
Each day a fucking tug of war
The dimmer goes off, sweet
--- zZz ---
Wakes up wherever she slept
Grabs her things off some drawer
Makes another hasty escape
Clouded eyes search for her car
The chameleon changes shape
Face like she lost a bet
Ready for the next engagement
Smells like the latest pet
this weekend is supposedly about someone coming back from the dead. i'm just done giving a shit about it. i've given a third of my life over to this skewed ideology out of fear and guilt and some ridiculous pavlovian whim to be rewarded by falling in line. i had a goddamn hamburger for lunch. others may be more resilient than me in these situations, but i am not most people. it's friday afternoon and i'm going running. my kid is in the hands of a shitty woman but i need a night to myself. she tells me "have fun on your date" like we're two old friends. the actual act of divorce will make no difference to me. i am 99% content with living apart.. at least right now. i'll play my xbox and my guitar and take a little time for myself. and maybe somewhere down the lost highway, i can come back from the dead too.
20110421
20110421
Push against the guide wire
Release your vice grip at last
Eyes getting fuzzy, I give up
Life was simple in the past
Ever awaken to the empty wind
Don't be cross, you did fine
Each interaction ends correctly
Silence on the end of the line
Time to make your substitution
Grown tired of pretending to fail
Settle it now or settle down
Collect your affairs in the mail
Got a new subscription
To an empty magazine
Comes with only one issue
But one is all I'll need
Release your vice grip at last
Eyes getting fuzzy, I give up
Life was simple in the past
Ever awaken to the empty wind
Don't be cross, you did fine
Each interaction ends correctly
Silence on the end of the line
Time to make your substitution
Grown tired of pretending to fail
Settle it now or settle down
Collect your affairs in the mail
Got a new subscription
To an empty magazine
Comes with only one issue
But one is all I'll need
20110420
20110420
the storms last night were intense but over quickly. i freaked out and carried m to the center of the house. this morning i'm actually in a good mood. it's no longer 87 degrees and humid for one thing. i think i ticked off the neighbors who'd lost their tree in the middle of the street. unfortunately for them, i'm from the internet, where even bad things aren't bad, they're awesome. i guess i wasn't exactly exuding enough sympathy at 7 in the morning. (do i ever exude sympathy?) in my head i was thinking "let me see if i can tabletop that tree with my bike like in california games", but my friend informed me that i need to bring my analogy up-to-date with something like "grind it like in tony hawk".
a wanted help with her taxes. my mom suggested i tell her to go screw an accountant. <3 mom.
i guess i was a dick when we spoke yesterday about it too, she said "are we going backwards?" and my reply was "we are going nowhere". i guess my change of mood was brought about by her email signature.. this just pissed me off to no end:
--
"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in." ~Katherine Mansfield
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here."
--
so basically she does not regret destroying our marriage and, additionally, is crazy. fanbloodytastic.
a wanted help with her taxes. my mom suggested i tell her to go screw an accountant. <3 mom.
i guess i was a dick when we spoke yesterday about it too, she said "are we going backwards?" and my reply was "we are going nowhere". i guess my change of mood was brought about by her email signature.. this just pissed me off to no end:
--
"Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it; it's only good for wallowing in." ~Katherine Mansfield
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here."
--
so basically she does not regret destroying our marriage and, additionally, is crazy. fanbloodytastic.
20110419
20110419
My life the dime store dictionary
Filled with too many meanings
Bang my head against each one
It all adds up, never subtracts
The nerves are safely chained up
Hopefully they can't hurt anyone
Wander off on more side-quests
Tripped on the landing strip
Pushed myself back, as always
Time to act your age, right
Acting's what we do best
Had yet another realization
All the actions you've taken
Have been for others benefit
Wanting others to see
Certain parts of your soul
Instead of deciding for yourself
What you want in another
You put bullshit feelers out
The music, the exercise, *.*
Unintentional attention whoring
This passive advance never works
It's a reverse power play
Means my mind is still gaming
This is an unwinnable campaign
Reinforces the truth in apart
And the lies in relationships
Filled with too many meanings
Bang my head against each one
It all adds up, never subtracts
The nerves are safely chained up
Hopefully they can't hurt anyone
Wander off on more side-quests
Tripped on the landing strip
Pushed myself back, as always
Time to act your age, right
Acting's what we do best
Had yet another realization
All the actions you've taken
Have been for others benefit
Wanting others to see
Certain parts of your soul
Instead of deciding for yourself
What you want in another
You put bullshit feelers out
The music, the exercise, *.*
Unintentional attention whoring
This passive advance never works
It's a reverse power play
Means my mind is still gaming
This is an unwinnable campaign
Reinforces the truth in apart
And the lies in relationships
20110418
20110418
not even going to bother this morning, Elliott take it away:
a frozen tear melted here
to flood the man-made lake
i didn't mean to make
a drowning note fury wrote
that caused the earth to quake
confidence to shake
sorry, my mistake
not the song above but.. Elliott Smith - True Love
and i even have another song on deck. tried multi-tracking some last night, i wish i had more time to devote to all of this.. surprising myself asking for *more* time on this planet. my songs sound amazing with two vocal tracks overlaid, like a completely different ballpark.. it's just a pain in the ass to do with Audacity. i have a friend who's going to walk me through Logic Studio, it is the real deal but it's complicated as hell.
a frozen tear melted here
to flood the man-made lake
i didn't mean to make
a drowning note fury wrote
that caused the earth to quake
confidence to shake
sorry, my mistake
not the song above but.. Elliott Smith - True Love
and i even have another song on deck. tried multi-tracking some last night, i wish i had more time to devote to all of this.. surprising myself asking for *more* time on this planet. my songs sound amazing with two vocal tracks overlaid, like a completely different ballpark.. it's just a pain in the ass to do with Audacity. i have a friend who's going to walk me through Logic Studio, it is the real deal but it's complicated as hell.
20110417
20110417
Apparently it's Palm Sunday
I recall enjoying the service
The guilt is pulling at my soul
It sure is pretty this morning
So why was I up at 4am
Writing a song about the affair
Need to wrap my head around it
The immensity of the offense
Years of deception, cheating
Somewhere along the way
I realize I'm one of those people
The ones you look at and say
How could he not have known
Why did he allow years of abuse
When did he know for sure
What was he thinking back then
I recall enjoying the service
The guilt is pulling at my soul
It sure is pretty this morning
So why was I up at 4am
Writing a song about the affair
Need to wrap my head around it
The immensity of the offense
Years of deception, cheating
Somewhere along the way
I realize I'm one of those people
The ones you look at and say
How could he not have known
Why did he allow years of abuse
When did he know for sure
What was he thinking back then
20110416
20110416
Six miles, three of them chased
You won't hear me complaining
Earned the respect of them
Two hotties out for their run
Owned by a linebacker (me)
Now I'm walking my li'l man
Then back for some xbox
Knuffle Bunny at the Orpheum
This morning's entertainment
Now left to my own devices
Like a pet shop boy
You won't hear me complaining
Earned the respect of them
Two hotties out for their run
Owned by a linebacker (me)
Now I'm walking my li'l man
Then back for some xbox
Knuffle Bunny at the Orpheum
This morning's entertainment
Now left to my own devices
Like a pet shop boy
20110415
20110415
Ain't life grand, stuck on rand()
Saw her apartment today
Met a kitten named Alice
For the briefest moment
It felt like a family moment
I remembered what we had
Wonder if she felt anything
Probably not, knowing her
Having trouble maintaining
Afterwards I'm in this dream
Lucid and lingering, tragic
Sitting at Chik-Fil-A, wistful
Yuppies and soccer moms
And I'm so out of place
Always out of place here
Here being the planet Earth
I can't relate to these people
Social misfit undercover work
Blah
Saw her apartment today
Met a kitten named Alice
For the briefest moment
It felt like a family moment
I remembered what we had
Wonder if she felt anything
Probably not, knowing her
Having trouble maintaining
Afterwards I'm in this dream
Lucid and lingering, tragic
Sitting at Chik-Fil-A, wistful
Yuppies and soccer moms
And I'm so out of place
Always out of place here
Here being the planet Earth
I can't relate to these people
Social misfit undercover work
Blah
20110414
20110414
Back from the land of misfit toys
A gift for the bad little girls and boys
Two main defects, one big and one small
One of them can't even be fixed at all
Still they try to stretch the truth
Too much, too little under the roof
Out of the box it made quite a scene
This plaything returned a tarnished green
If only things were as they used to be
Sometimes priceless merely means free.
A gift for the bad little girls and boys
Two main defects, one big and one small
One of them can't even be fixed at all
Still they try to stretch the truth
Too much, too little under the roof
Out of the box it made quite a scene
This plaything returned a tarnished green
If only things were as they used to be
Sometimes priceless merely means free.
20110413
20110413
No one really ever got me
Where I was coming from
Not sure the significance
Seems like others relate
What secret club was it
Will others see me afterwards
Maybe it's just human nature
I was the last to know
Are you out there somewhere
The heralded puzzle solver
Empty words from a ghost
Do they mean anything now
I cried real tears once
Just like you
Searched for my face
Never thought I'd get here
But here I was
A place you don't want to be
Elliott summed me up:
Tranquil as a dove
People who lost their true love
They all seem to fit
The same description
I feel cold, useless, and old
I wish I was no one.
Where I was coming from
Not sure the significance
Seems like others relate
What secret club was it
Will others see me afterwards
Maybe it's just human nature
I was the last to know
Are you out there somewhere
The heralded puzzle solver
Empty words from a ghost
Do they mean anything now
I cried real tears once
Just like you
Searched for my face
Never thought I'd get here
But here I was
A place you don't want to be
Elliott summed me up:
Tranquil as a dove
People who lost their true love
They all seem to fit
The same description
I feel cold, useless, and old
I wish I was no one.
20110412
20110412-2
Echoing on and out
A day becomes a life
Slowly but surely
Attune to repetition
Routine can be habit forming
Complacent complicity
Taste and see change
Yet cling to comfort
Reflex becomes longing
Yearn for perceived change
Till each finger slips off
Failure in succession
Lose our grasp in finality
Farewell to welfare
Familiar ledge heads skyward
Now falling towards uncertainty
Landings are rarely soft
Transitioned to a new map
Bewildered determination
To climb out!
But even in climbing
There is a repetition
Slowly but surely
A day becomes a life
Echoing on and out
A day becomes a life
Slowly but surely
Attune to repetition
Routine can be habit forming
Complacent complicity
Taste and see change
Yet cling to comfort
Reflex becomes longing
Yearn for perceived change
Till each finger slips off
Failure in succession
Lose our grasp in finality
Farewell to welfare
Familiar ledge heads skyward
Now falling towards uncertainty
Landings are rarely soft
Transitioned to a new map
Bewildered determination
To climb out!
But even in climbing
There is a repetition
Slowly but surely
A day becomes a life
Echoing on and out
20110412
Beginning of the road
Middle of the night
End of the healing process
Beginning of the silence
Middle of the road
End of combat
Beginning of the end
Middle of everything
End of the road
Middle of the night
End of the healing process
Beginning of the silence
Middle of the road
End of combat
Beginning of the end
Middle of everything
End of the road
20110411
20110411-2
And the tide's coming in again
At a loss for what's up next
A new face matures and grows
While a spirit atrophies and dies
This promontory, a leased home
And the tide's coming in again
Ear up to the shell like a kid
For an orchestra of deadbeats
Passive yet poised, coiled tight
Like a baby who won't survive
And the tide's coming in again
At a loss for what's up next
A new face matures and grows
While a spirit atrophies and dies
This promontory, a leased home
And the tide's coming in again
Ear up to the shell like a kid
For an orchestra of deadbeats
Passive yet poised, coiled tight
Like a baby who won't survive
And the tide's coming in again
20110411
A compulsive lair wants to chat
Her very breath is truculent
Time to face facts, she's a user
Your well being's not her concern
Why can't I cut this receptor
I am so susceptible to females
Trust no one is my usual mantra
Unless a girl pays attention
Only then the door swings open
For now I have some quietude
More music in my empty head
Music I just can't keep up with
But if I can help just one person
It will have been worth this pain
No, I am in no way a martyr
Just another sad, jealous guy
But my experience can teach
If I can stop one guy from this
Their finger trap can be deadly
And it's not a game anymore
Not when all you can do is lose.
Her very breath is truculent
Time to face facts, she's a user
Your well being's not her concern
Why can't I cut this receptor
I am so susceptible to females
Trust no one is my usual mantra
Unless a girl pays attention
Only then the door swings open
For now I have some quietude
More music in my empty head
Music I just can't keep up with
But if I can help just one person
It will have been worth this pain
No, I am in no way a martyr
Just another sad, jealous guy
But my experience can teach
If I can stop one guy from this
Their finger trap can be deadly
And it's not a game anymore
Not when all you can do is lose.
20110410
20110410
What's the plan today, soldier
In dreams, we're together again
In dreams, the past resurrects
I'm weary of mental deception
Reaping what my ex has sown
Still, it was eerily comforting
Deep diving my nocturnal soul
At peace with warring emotions
Until the dog woke me up early
So I threw on my Bathory shirt
At 6:30 on a Sunday morning
Let him piss on my neighborhood
While I collected mosquito bites
An old favorite inside my ears
Hate Forest: With Fire and Iron
Despair forged with pure anger
Truly amazing song, I think
It's become a rare occurrence
To avoid listening to Elliott
But I must, for my own health
I have shut everyone out now
Until I fix what's under the hood
That's what I tell myself anyway
Do I miss my friends? Of course
But the me I am around them
That's what must change now
I'll have my little girl back soon
No clue what we're going to do
Live, I guess.
In dreams, we're together again
In dreams, the past resurrects
I'm weary of mental deception
Reaping what my ex has sown
Still, it was eerily comforting
Deep diving my nocturnal soul
At peace with warring emotions
Until the dog woke me up early
So I threw on my Bathory shirt
At 6:30 on a Sunday morning
Let him piss on my neighborhood
While I collected mosquito bites
An old favorite inside my ears
Hate Forest: With Fire and Iron
Despair forged with pure anger
Truly amazing song, I think
It's become a rare occurrence
To avoid listening to Elliott
But I must, for my own health
I have shut everyone out now
Until I fix what's under the hood
That's what I tell myself anyway
Do I miss my friends? Of course
But the me I am around them
That's what must change now
I'll have my little girl back soon
No clue what we're going to do
Live, I guess.
20110409
20110409-2
Six miles today, feeling better
It's gotten hot outside finally
So I plan on avoiding that scene
As much as possible, I hope
What a strange phone convo
But then life is all surreal now
Lists and plans are mine alone
Pity the user as little as possible
If she taught you nothing at all
Please remember that lesson
And abide by its simple truth
It's gotten hot outside finally
So I plan on avoiding that scene
As much as possible, I hope
What a strange phone convo
But then life is all surreal now
Lists and plans are mine alone
Pity the user as little as possible
If she taught you nothing at all
Please remember that lesson
And abide by its simple truth
20110409
Surrounded by the untouchables
I cling to the teet of company
We sample the board of fare
Act the way you think they do
See heavenly bodies sidle along
Tell yourself you want a piece
Keep polishing that tired shell
Get what you think you deserve
A toned trophy on the mantle
I can fix my body, eventually
Will I ever know what I want
Still feel the acute guilt today
Maybe I can sweat it out
Pride myself on truthfulness
Yet I lie about my faith daily
And my wants and needs
What's *my* agenda?
I lie to myself and others
And why?
To keep the peace?
Do you feel very peaceful?
Now I reread my comments
See the shifts from first person
To second person, and realize
There's more than one me talking
And I'm content with this schism
Turns out I am just a falsehood
Time to run, time to escape
Find beauty in thoughtlessness
Switch your mind off for a bit
Each idea rushing in pricks me
And I'd quiet them all, if I could
That is the truth of who I am.
I cling to the teet of company
We sample the board of fare
Act the way you think they do
See heavenly bodies sidle along
Tell yourself you want a piece
Keep polishing that tired shell
Get what you think you deserve
A toned trophy on the mantle
I can fix my body, eventually
Will I ever know what I want
Still feel the acute guilt today
Maybe I can sweat it out
Pride myself on truthfulness
Yet I lie about my faith daily
And my wants and needs
What's *my* agenda?
I lie to myself and others
And why?
To keep the peace?
Do you feel very peaceful?
Now I reread my comments
See the shifts from first person
To second person, and realize
There's more than one me talking
And I'm content with this schism
Turns out I am just a falsehood
Time to run, time to escape
Find beauty in thoughtlessness
Switch your mind off for a bit
Each idea rushing in pricks me
And I'd quiet them all, if I could
That is the truth of who I am.
20110408
20110408
Good news and bad news
Her beau finally rejected her
She's pulling off, and mentions
He'd had a restraining order
Mentions this in passing
Literally as she's driving off
But what's so very funny
Is I bet he dumped her
Her tears would be sweet like honey
If she knew how to cry that is
Oh well, my kid is better off
Now if she'd move out of town
Then we'd really have something
But enough about her
My neighborhood is kinda sad
I'd say it's 99% caravans
Never realized before I guess
I'm feeling mundane this morning
Dragged into society tonight
Damn those good friends
Just won't give up will they
Neither will I, I suppose
Dammit.
Her beau finally rejected her
She's pulling off, and mentions
He'd had a restraining order
Mentions this in passing
Literally as she's driving off
But what's so very funny
Is I bet he dumped her
Her tears would be sweet like honey
If she knew how to cry that is
Oh well, my kid is better off
Now if she'd move out of town
Then we'd really have something
But enough about her
My neighborhood is kinda sad
I'd say it's 99% caravans
Never realized before I guess
I'm feeling mundane this morning
Dragged into society tonight
Damn those good friends
Just won't give up will they
Neither will I, I suppose
Dammit.
20110407
20110407
Screaming out for contact
Body inevitably trumps mind
Right wrong or indifferent
Too impatient for stars to align
Always boils down to a choice
Our feet walk the unchosen path
Anything to hear another voice
Fumbling on relationship math
Then the rubber band snaps
As it always does
Hands again press on the glass
A million or more true loves
Passing fancy in the slow lane
The strange failure of success
Forever searching for more
Until you're left lifeless
Body inevitably trumps mind
Right wrong or indifferent
Too impatient for stars to align
Always boils down to a choice
Our feet walk the unchosen path
Anything to hear another voice
Fumbling on relationship math
Then the rubber band snaps
As it always does
Hands again press on the glass
A million or more true loves
Passing fancy in the slow lane
The strange failure of success
Forever searching for more
Until you're left lifeless
20110406
20110406
Never know until you try
Took a world of courage
Found things along the way
Bits and pieces of who you were
Or maybe who you actually are
Proud of my progress of course
But as they say, ere the fall
Being is not always being ready
But change always changes
Definitions and retrovisions
What the fuck is wrong upstairs
Can't change what we are
The tinkering is always repaired
We just can't help ourselves
Yet in losing, there is a finding
Plod through morning routines
And keep searching, searching
For what, whatever was lost
Might never again be found
That's not really our choice
Is it
Took a world of courage
Found things along the way
Bits and pieces of who you were
Or maybe who you actually are
Proud of my progress of course
But as they say, ere the fall
Being is not always being ready
But change always changes
Definitions and retrovisions
What the fuck is wrong upstairs
Can't change what we are
The tinkering is always repaired
We just can't help ourselves
Yet in losing, there is a finding
Plod through morning routines
And keep searching, searching
For what, whatever was lost
Might never again be found
That's not really our choice
Is it
20110405
20110405
Time to ask for a light
We think you deserve it
A cave is missing its troll
Better off dead weight lifting
Turn on your own dime this time
Wake up from sad daydreams
You will love the view, promise
This property is a real steal
Even the price is negotiable
Half past the deadline
If you dislike the mirror's eye
Break the fucking mirror
Make a choice, a true effort
Let the bygones stay gone, bye
Remember the past, and forget
We think you deserve it
A cave is missing its troll
Better off dead weight lifting
Turn on your own dime this time
Wake up from sad daydreams
You will love the view, promise
This property is a real steal
Even the price is negotiable
Half past the deadline
If you dislike the mirror's eye
Break the fucking mirror
Make a choice, a true effort
Let the bygones stay gone, bye
Remember the past, and forget
20110404
20110404
Woke up to a shake down
More interference upstairs
Friend requests from enemies
An army of rabid onlookers
Ex-family chumming the waters
Few of them ever had a clue
Abused right under their noses
Betting I'm still the bad guy
Alienated from my cocoon
Chrysalis of curt chagrin
The clouds move quickly today
Wish I were up there with them
Her envelope was habit forming
Break the unjust addictions
Keep the other ones
Dream 1: chased by witches
Dream 2: covered with ticks
Got a wicked sunburn headache
Oh and an eval with the boss
More interference upstairs
Friend requests from enemies
An army of rabid onlookers
Ex-family chumming the waters
Few of them ever had a clue
Abused right under their noses
Betting I'm still the bad guy
Alienated from my cocoon
Chrysalis of curt chagrin
The clouds move quickly today
Wish I were up there with them
Her envelope was habit forming
Break the unjust addictions
Keep the other ones
Dream 1: chased by witches
Dream 2: covered with ticks
Got a wicked sunburn headache
Oh and an eval with the boss
20110403
20110403
Symbolic vitriol uncovered
A deadly game of make-believe
The winds bring new fears
Along with newfound aspirations
More articulated ineloquence
Crescendo of being personified
Whitewash the sadness away
Sing about it until I can be quiet
Each piece a piece of bandage
A haphazard heart again pierced
Repaired chord by chord
There's so little efficiency left
Tuck your tail and run home
Quite familiar with that idea
Listening to "Oh well, okay"
And crying along with Elliott
Because it's me all over again
If she were to crawl back
Not that her shame allows that
I'm forced to run the scenario
Back and forth over the scab
Would I be strong enough?
Hate her but forgive her, right
But never forget her strings
So many still attached to you
Why frame your life around her
Stop caring about her, you win
Start loving something else
Perhaps tomorrow, tomorrow
You and your fucking nostalgia
A deadly game of make-believe
The winds bring new fears
Along with newfound aspirations
More articulated ineloquence
Crescendo of being personified
Whitewash the sadness away
Sing about it until I can be quiet
Each piece a piece of bandage
A haphazard heart again pierced
Repaired chord by chord
There's so little efficiency left
Tuck your tail and run home
Quite familiar with that idea
Listening to "Oh well, okay"
And crying along with Elliott
Because it's me all over again
If she were to crawl back
Not that her shame allows that
I'm forced to run the scenario
Back and forth over the scab
Would I be strong enough?
Hate her but forgive her, right
But never forget her strings
So many still attached to you
Why frame your life around her
Stop caring about her, you win
Start loving something else
Perhaps tomorrow, tomorrow
You and your fucking nostalgia
20110402
20110402
In the four+ months that I've been keeping these diary entries, I finally legitimately missed a day. There really wasn't an excuse, not that I needed one.
Anyway it was April fools so it seemed like an appropriate day to take a break.
Kiddo's teacher decided to let her play with something she's allergic to so I get a call from them and mom had to pick her up. TLDR I was a bachelor on Friday night. What did I do? I wrote a waltz. What? Fuck off! I'm really proud of it, it's for my daughter.
Today, I ran this morning, made a single egg breakfast burrito (last egg), watched archer season one on Netflix (great show!!!), got a haircut, played with kid for approximately the entire afternoon at parents' place, and wrote another song tonight. Somewhat different tinge to this one though, heh. Its not as easy to listen to as some of my other musical experiments but I like to play with different voicings and chords. Definitely not formulaic.
No dreams to report.
Anyway it was April fools so it seemed like an appropriate day to take a break.
Kiddo's teacher decided to let her play with something she's allergic to so I get a call from them and mom had to pick her up. TLDR I was a bachelor on Friday night. What did I do? I wrote a waltz. What? Fuck off! I'm really proud of it, it's for my daughter.
Today, I ran this morning, made a single egg breakfast burrito (last egg), watched archer season one on Netflix (great show!!!), got a haircut, played with kid for approximately the entire afternoon at parents' place, and wrote another song tonight. Somewhat different tinge to this one though, heh. Its not as easy to listen to as some of my other musical experiments but I like to play with different voicings and chords. Definitely not formulaic.
No dreams to report.
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