and then i broke into tears on the way home from church. it's been awhile since i've had a good solid crying fit. luckily m rode down to the grandparents with them afterwards, and was spared the brunt of it. i told whoever it is who listens when you pray that this would be the last time i darkened the church with my presence for a long time, and i made one last apology and asked for leniency/pity/happiness for my child. and that's that.
my brother's church was stuffy but beautiful, and i was surrounded by family. family members in front of me who i can't even really remember how i'm related to, the attractive cousin or whatever she is turning around to do m's hair before the service, the somewhat creepy uncle who kept talking to m about pulling out her tooth (she almost lost it mid-service, it'll be out today for sure), my brother behind me leaning over to make jokes, my sister on one side of us, my parents on the other, and my bored little child next to me, shoving me with an elbow. and all i wanted was to simply get up, and leave. i gave it an hour out of respect and that's precisely what i did.
now i'm going to dry my tears, get some more comfortable clothes on, and head south, in all possible meanings.
chickens and eggs and all these fertility symbols, lillies trumpeting the arrival of someone who has risen, and through sheer will i am reborn as well. but into what?
