20191212
if you find yourself alone, riding in green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled - for you are in Azeroth!
20191212
20191205
20191205
20191205
perusing around and about the pursuit
to catch the scent of a scent
of days and smiles atop new ground
the heaven of elder youth spent
an empty prison yearns for a face
but none ever read that fool's drivel
an empty person seeks an inmate
with all on parole, oh how civil
for crimes still yet to conceive or commit
evil or good whims dreamed and undreamt
consume or yet be consumed
all for a hint of perfume
perusing around and about the pursuit
to catch the scent of a scent
of days and smiles atop new ground
the heaven of elder youth spent
an empty prison yearns for a face
but none ever read that fool's drivel
an empty person seeks an inmate
with all on parole, oh how civil
for crimes still yet to conceive or commit
evil or good whims dreamed and undreamt
consume or yet be consumed
all for a hint of perfume
20191122
20191122
20191122
i wrote an incredible amount on unfinished music over the course of my depression.
those dark times were oddly fruitful. my memories have left me, and even though i am happy and content, i wonder if i will ever be able to retrieve any of my past.
the fog of war seems to have purged all of my childhood and my first, terrible marriage. i'm on the other side of all that pain and suffering and just marvel at it all.
the breadth and width of it all, the weight of a thousand affronts now all forgiven and forgotten, what was i thinking?
depression has powerwashed the vaneer of my mental scrapbook until my very identity has become a nimble, fluid thing. ever shifting and evolving.
but all that pain is gone. replaced by a powerful love. but hubris and pride dictates that i still force myself to try and look back, to try and wonder what might've been.
like a fingernail in the quick, you have no choice to pull and tug and chew on it, relishing in the pain and promise of release.
if only it worked that way.
anyway, i am going to start tinkering on the music again. no one listens to it. maybe it'll all just collect dust with so many exabytes of others hopes and dreams.
blessed beyond belief to be living and have lived in a time with the privilege of preservation, yet knowing even the biggest contributions to mankind end up a footnote to a crumbling edifice of time. given enough time. even the beatles will be forgotten. honestly that's a little comforting.
i wrote an incredible amount on unfinished music over the course of my depression.
those dark times were oddly fruitful. my memories have left me, and even though i am happy and content, i wonder if i will ever be able to retrieve any of my past.
the fog of war seems to have purged all of my childhood and my first, terrible marriage. i'm on the other side of all that pain and suffering and just marvel at it all.
the breadth and width of it all, the weight of a thousand affronts now all forgiven and forgotten, what was i thinking?
depression has powerwashed the vaneer of my mental scrapbook until my very identity has become a nimble, fluid thing. ever shifting and evolving.
but all that pain is gone. replaced by a powerful love. but hubris and pride dictates that i still force myself to try and look back, to try and wonder what might've been.
like a fingernail in the quick, you have no choice to pull and tug and chew on it, relishing in the pain and promise of release.
if only it worked that way.
anyway, i am going to start tinkering on the music again. no one listens to it. maybe it'll all just collect dust with so many exabytes of others hopes and dreams.
blessed beyond belief to be living and have lived in a time with the privilege of preservation, yet knowing even the biggest contributions to mankind end up a footnote to a crumbling edifice of time. given enough time. even the beatles will be forgotten. honestly that's a little comforting.
20191111
20190812
20190812
latest bout of hypochondria: brain eating amoeba.
i'm sure swimming in that pool in texas has killed me; i just don't know it yet.
i'm sure swimming in that pool in texas has killed me; i just don't know it yet.
20190309
20190309
now, after all these years, the ex wants to do battle.
why? because i'm in a relationship. after almost a decade, i found someone. someone i can love and trust.
all in the guise of wanting more time with m. it's unreal. so here we are, moving just south of the state line, and that is enough.
that is enough to receive threats, demands, and downright nastiness to the point of having to consult an attorney in order to move 10 miles.
she can't stand my choices, while she's remarried (twice), and bought houses, and done the whole dance. she seemingly moved on.
i sure did.
but here, we have a sad excuse for a mom, a sad excuse for a woman, who is vindictive and awful.
for what it's worth, kiddo is tired and confused; she still wants attention from her mom, but realizes this woman just wants to ruin what we have. with every text message, she seeks to chisel away at the family i am building. she actually said she was worried my wife may have more "power" over m than her. Without further adieu, here's the list, verbatim:
My concerns and amendments:
*she will not be moved from X and allowed to graduate 8th grade
* relocating parent will transport child, at minimum, half of the distance between homes (Per my attorney, the relocating parent generally bears the burden of transportation)
* summer visitation will be increased to three weeks from the previous two and will be exclusive of trip to FL to visit my parents
* Christmas “switch” will be on Dec 27 henceforth to allow for travel time during holidays— we are planning to go to FL for Christmas this year and in 2021
* timely and appropriate communication will occur between adults, m will not be involved in adult conversations or decisions until such time as it is appropriate for her to be brought in to those conversations
* academic expectations: m will maintain a minimum GPA of 3.2 at her new school, or circumstances may be deemed to be sufficient to bring her back to TN for school. I will need to have access to a parent portal for grades (if such exists), and behavior expectations, both in and out of school, shall be agreed upon by parents and child.
As I stated on the phone, i have been advised that all of my requests are reasonable. You and I have 20 days to reach an agreement regarding the move, and I would like to make these additions/amendments to the plan so that we can both move on.
However, i do believe that it is best to have these things legally and in writing.
---
So i've raised her, from kindergarten all the way through 8th grade, and now, NOW, she wants more time. now that i'm remarried, and moving down the road, she wants to fight. she told me "2019 is gonna be a hell of a year for you".
well, she's over $14k behind in child support, and in spite of having to share me with a stepmom and a stepdaughter, she's ready to move. and she doesn't want anything changed. i am in a good place, legally, but i am still loathe to fight this woman. i just want her to move away, or relinquish this haphazard attempt at pleasing her dad, or her new husband, or whatever game she's trying to play.
m sees right through it.
why? because i'm in a relationship. after almost a decade, i found someone. someone i can love and trust.
all in the guise of wanting more time with m. it's unreal. so here we are, moving just south of the state line, and that is enough.
that is enough to receive threats, demands, and downright nastiness to the point of having to consult an attorney in order to move 10 miles.
she can't stand my choices, while she's remarried (twice), and bought houses, and done the whole dance. she seemingly moved on.
i sure did.
but here, we have a sad excuse for a mom, a sad excuse for a woman, who is vindictive and awful.
for what it's worth, kiddo is tired and confused; she still wants attention from her mom, but realizes this woman just wants to ruin what we have. with every text message, she seeks to chisel away at the family i am building. she actually said she was worried my wife may have more "power" over m than her. Without further adieu, here's the list, verbatim:
My concerns and amendments:
*she will not be moved from X and allowed to graduate 8th grade
* relocating parent will transport child, at minimum, half of the distance between homes (Per my attorney, the relocating parent generally bears the burden of transportation)
* summer visitation will be increased to three weeks from the previous two and will be exclusive of trip to FL to visit my parents
* Christmas “switch” will be on Dec 27 henceforth to allow for travel time during holidays— we are planning to go to FL for Christmas this year and in 2021
* timely and appropriate communication will occur between adults, m will not be involved in adult conversations or decisions until such time as it is appropriate for her to be brought in to those conversations
* academic expectations: m will maintain a minimum GPA of 3.2 at her new school, or circumstances may be deemed to be sufficient to bring her back to TN for school. I will need to have access to a parent portal for grades (if such exists), and behavior expectations, both in and out of school, shall be agreed upon by parents and child.
As I stated on the phone, i have been advised that all of my requests are reasonable. You and I have 20 days to reach an agreement regarding the move, and I would like to make these additions/amendments to the plan so that we can both move on.
However, i do believe that it is best to have these things legally and in writing.
---
So i've raised her, from kindergarten all the way through 8th grade, and now, NOW, she wants more time. now that i'm remarried, and moving down the road, she wants to fight. she told me "2019 is gonna be a hell of a year for you".
well, she's over $14k behind in child support, and in spite of having to share me with a stepmom and a stepdaughter, she's ready to move. and she doesn't want anything changed. i am in a good place, legally, but i am still loathe to fight this woman. i just want her to move away, or relinquish this haphazard attempt at pleasing her dad, or her new husband, or whatever game she's trying to play.
m sees right through it.
20190118
20190118
The song I settled on for the day. Also: turns out my daughter is like her mom. It's become a problem.
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