20101231

20101231

Year draws to a close again
But those lines on your face
Careworn and persistent
They're going nowhere
And neither are you
Attained through sacrifice
Earned through suffering
The knife has yet to dull
In your back, out of reach
And you must leave it there
So you will never forget
Can't afford to make mistakes
Comfort is a luxury of youth
But your former soul mate
Ever the teacher
Taught you something
Far more valuable
Trust is a luxury as well
One you can never reclaim

20101230

20101230

Thawing out this morning
Belief systems crushed
My girls are both still asleep
But at different addresses
Is this divine tragedy
Separating mother from child
I never wanted this
But she does, doesn't she
Pulled in a million directions
I will always choose wisely
Curse the logic
I'll never ascend from myself
Never improve from what I am
Another statistic
Another cliche
Another love?
Not likely.

20101229

20101229

Finally figured it all out
Pieced together another truth
From evidence and quotations
Such a lofty epiphany
A great weight has been lifted
Knowledge is blinding clarity
She is living Eat, Pray, Love
In her head, in her mind
The similarities are striking
But so disappointing, so sad
When did her sanity slip away
What will she do when
Life doesn't work like literature
What will she do when
Life doesn't resolve like a novel
Swimming in her fishbowl
No one's going to pull her out
Not this time

20101228

20101228

Had a dream I was compromised
Woke up and found it true
My identity had been stolen
Robbed by you, my love
Took all that I am
All that I know
Stuffed it in a box
Placed it on the shelf
Carried it out the door
Towards another life
Who am I now without you
No one

20101227

20101227-2

she's out on the ledge again, patience wearing thin
friends say she'll be alright, till she takes flight
under the vitriol, lies another lost soul
promises mean next to nothing,

20101227

She seems so very desperate
Wonder if she's striking out
Her invisible needs unfulfilled
New action figures for her
To pose and oppose, how sad
And here I am, the old news
Placed in the trash bin
Manager's special, all used up
Good until 12/04/10
Outscoring her brings no comfort
A pyrrhic victory indeed
Might as well shrivel up
Sink or swim? Why even bother

20101226

20101226

The days bleed together
Free time wanes yet again
The circle closes in on itself
And again I'll sit alone
Pondering the past, sadly
Wondering how we got here
Will the years varnish away
All the anger and sadness
Will our love be sanded down
For display purposes only
The heretic moved on
Why can't you
Abused and used up and yet
You are eternally hopeful
And eternally bitter
Go write a greeting card

20101225

20101225

His birthday has come and gone
Princess seems happy enough
The wife leaves yet again
Takes her clouds with her
Her departure brings the snow
A white Christmas for us
But not for her
Hers is a hard road
And she'll walk it alone
I again place my faith in Him
To see us through this darkness
I see so much sorrow
So much evil
In this sad, sad world
Is there nothing of value
What is the purpose
Of so much suffering
Is there a light at the end
Of my tunnel
Of hers?

20101224

20101224-3

She sleeps here one last time
Rehashing tired arguments
Pretending she's someone else
But I have to admit
All those years
I was the one playing pretend
Pretending she was decent
Evil I found and I embraced it
Covered for it, enabled it
Year after year
Did I sell my soul for this?
In my desperate virginal haze
Did I ask for a woman
No matter the cost
Whatever's on the couch tonight
It's not the woman I loved
She'll never get it back
Poor stupid girl

20101224

Unopened mail waits
Clocks tick expectantly
Uncared for home erodes
Just let it go, and I might
The anchor broken in two
Set adrift on a starless night
I still sleep on my side
Cause she told me to
I have a new journey ahead
Find myself, define myself
What do I want
A reed in the wind no longer
Awareness of self, and hope
Tomorrow brings Christmas
Season of joy and beginnings
Take a page from her book
And ask yourself triumphantly
What's in it for me

20101224-2

Everything comes back around
Her sweetness removes all doubt
Letters to Peter Pan
With instructions of course
She is your salvation
Love her with all your heart
But let her spread her wings
And take that majestic flight
Every day a new adventure
Don't lose sight of yourself
It's us two against the world
Never look back!

20101224-diary

soooo

today i woke up and ran. although it was quite cold, so not my normal distance. yesterday's run was really awesome... the trails behind parents house and the whole neighborhood. very good way to clear my mind.

anyway, afterwards, cleaned up and drove down to pick up m.. fell asleep on the couch while she was watching peter pan (with jeremy irons). woke up about 1pm and took her home, where we proceeded to watch temple of doom again.

we then went to mass. m and i sat next to brother/nephew, who had also arrived right before it started. i could not deal with seeing cousins and their happy little fucking families. and m was tired. i gave $10 for some reason. maybe to give back. it just felt right at the time.

i am truly blessed to have made it this far through this ordeal, and i do thank god for that. but seeing my cousins happily married made me feel so small and embarassed to have FAILED at it, and maddie was tired, that we ducked out essentially right after they processed back at the end.

we drove home and i called a, who was already "camped out" at the house with shitty dog the hair machine. her intention was to pick m up and take her to d's. but m was tired and didn't feel good and basically told her mom no when we got there. i laughed afterwards, cause a just said fuck it and left. i made m some noodles and then we read a berenstain bears book and she crashed out in my bed.

she prepared two cupcakes and milk for santa, each cupcake had a strawberry icing heart on top. pretty damn cute, if i do say so myself. i hope beyond hope that she has a good christmas morning with as little drama as possible. we're going out to bro's and then to sis's i believe.

and sunday, her aunt is going to come pick her up and take her their christmas. i hear a now...

bleh.

20101223

20101223

Fall in and out of love
With your circular reasoning
Take the swiftest current
Another victim of the whirlpool
High on the tides
Stuck on a course
You lost sight of me
But I'm still watching
From calmer waters
I'd throw you a rope
But you'd just drag me down
Some days I'd prefer that
To what I have ahead of me

20101222

20101222-3

She swims in the shallow end
Anyone can touch the bottom
Every morning I still dive in
Facefirst into the sadness
She bartered us away
Traded for new social circles
A gamble with no odds
Everybody loses this one
Was our situation so dire
That she'd throw us away
So easily, so easily
A matter of weeks, of days
I have to ask
I have to wonder
Did she ever love me
Did she ever love us

20101222-2

Center of attention as usual
Grit my teeth a final time
Bought a landfill miles away
Disappointment sets in again
How many trips will it take
To push you out of my head
Chew your nails down
Calm your restless legs
Embrace your escape plan
Push it down until it explodes
Right in your face
By then I'll be gone
And it'll be too late

20101222

Prospects are green today
Her little game of pretend
She chases after others
I have to let it go
Defeat is staring at me
Across a field of comments
Truth of the matter is
She slipped through your fingers
Once you've moved past it
That's when her regret
Will finally surface
That's when her eyes will open
To what she has done
By then
My eyes will be closed

20101221

20101221-2

If you're ever changing
You're never satisfied
If you're never satisfied
You're never comfortable
If you're never comfortable
You're never happy

20101221

Closure begins today
Meetings and paperwork
Sign away your commitment
Surrender your faith
Today she is sure of herself
She always was
And as usual
I am simply along for the ride
Years from now
Will her eyes open
Her freedom is short sighted
And ill gotten
Can't bear her suffering
Letting her go is so hard
But as usual
I am simply along for the ride

20101221-diary

let's see. this morning. woke up. m woke up coughing and spitting into the toilet. she had a nosebleed last night while a went to trivia.

she felt better after some cantaloupe. we watched phineas and ferb. i did some of the divorce paperwork.

we went to get me a haircut, and then we stopped by the grocery store on the way back and picked up a few things, and some cake mix to make cupcakes (gingerbread and strawberry icing? yeah.)

when we got back, she watched berenstain bears, and then we cleaned her room finally.

i moved some clothes into a's old closet in the bedroom, and we watched indy and the last crusade.

i am numb. i think we're going to mass at 5pm on friday (xmas eve).

a texted me to ask if i want to go to dinner with her at d's afterwards.

negative, ghostrider.

20101220

20101220-2

The stars dance tonight
Movements well rehearsed
Today I was born into this
Today I made my start
I beg for kindness
I beg for strength
It is a day of beginnings
A morning made for change
Somewhere past the fog
Of sadness and doubt
A hand reaches for yours
You should take it
And move on

20101220

Candles burn at both ends
Wishes have come true
Backwards and uphill
Fate coughs up the parole
Requested by passing feelings
Relief is now a false hope
Doctored sins of the maiden
Bequeath a final gift to you
Clarity of the human condition
And the innate destitution
Better to let it rot
Or let it go
Either way
Whatever

20101219

20101219

Welcome to the Mausoleum
Watch your step, sweetie
Having trouble walking about
The wings were a gift you see
They soon settled into marble
Burdensome and unyielding
Weights gilded to my frame
From others good intentions
Stumbling through the rubble
All part of the attraction
A childhood home of ashes and tears
Wish I could deliver you
From this dust and rejection
All in due time
From this cold empty space
All in due time

20101218

20101218-2

The saints are chipped and cracked
Surveying the scene with lidless eyes
Rosaries and memories half remembered
Forced back to the starting line
In the palm of the carver
A deathbed scene played out in advance
Devotions abandoned for aspirations
Exasperated and exacerbated
Gasp for a final breath
Just to prove you're still alive

20101218

Today she abandons us
Yet another greener pasture
Such a destructive cycle
Never seeing the big picture
We spend the weekend away
Father and daughter
At my true home
Where even nightmares comfort
Soon we return to broken
Bitter and meaningless
Starting over together
Father and daughter
Happy signed a lease elsewhere
I'll have to settle for distracted
Rejection resurrection
Goodbye, my love
Sincerely
Father and daughter

20101217

20101217-2

One day only
My life the clearance sale
Off she goes
She knows what she's doing
But what she's doing
Is undoing
A knot we tied together
Tangled though it was
It was ours
Good luck untying it

20101217

Got you some flowers today
Don't make a fuss though
Didn't take too much effort
Wish I could see your face
When you finally notice
If you knew what I'd done
To get them, you'd be crushed
Or maybe only I'd be
Happenstance brought them
You see, my love
This wasn't my plot after all
Course I only see the roots
But I hope you like them.

20101216

20101216

Words come slowly today
Frozen by stolid defiance
The anger wells up like
Jagged stones under the sands
Everywhere I walk I feel them
Cutting away at my will
Tearing at my good intentions
Funny, they never hurt before
She turned on a dime
And never looked back
Out paths uncrossed.. forever?
She always was the pursuer

20101215

20101215

A trivial situation
Count your friends blessed
But they don't know you
Like I do
Your mind, your soul
I swam in your deepest depths
Or so I was convinced
Were you a pitiless dream
Idyllic and wistful
hopeful yet distraught
One part lover
One part friend
If I could
I'd do it all over again

20101214

20101214

She leaves for work
A morning kiss and hug
Say farewell to photo albums
Scrapbooks with blank pages
Inside jokes and anecdotes
The 5x7s gather dust
Those happy faces
They'll keep their smiles
Bide their time
And blow a kiss to the wind

20101213

20101213

The wound closes
Sutured by regret
Time on my hands evicted
For a guitar and a prayer
Tis the season
For a lapse of reason
I'm left holding what's right
Everything else slipped through my fingers

20101212

20101212

Can the river change course
We were caught upstream
A torrent of emotion
Rippling on and outward
Left to our own devices
Will we collide again
Wish our child could wish you back
Only time can fix things now

20101211

20101211

One week left, she says
Words pour from the tap
Holding her tight
Her reticent eyes
A bittersweet reminder
Of her iron resolve
We will always wear our rings
Even if only on the inside
She's made up our minds
But our hearts never let go

20101210

20101210

Strung the bad dreams into a necklace
A hailstorm of distilled memories
Buried his ring down deep
The endless march might one day uncover
The winds changed and stole her affection
A bewildered man waits in vain
The memories she'd forgotten
The love she'd forsaken
The home cracked like a shell
It's a seller's market they say

20101207

20101207

The reckoning has come to pass
But are we truly free
A bond broken, a fight is lost
Does she even know why
She moves out soon
Rejection stabs at me
Little knives of despair
Collision course with solitude
She'll pack her things
And she'll be off
My child and I abandoned
Is that really my fate
Will I ever get over her?
We had it all
She threw it away
She threw US away
Who would want this
Recycled family
Who would want this
Brokedown man
Is this what *I* wanted
No one asked
only now do I understand
The reality of love
It is positive and negative
All rolled into one
This pain I feel is love
This hurt she won't feel is love
Does she regret any of this
I still want to fix her
I want to make her whole
But her walls are back up
I'm powerless
The only woman I've ever loved
Rejected me
What is left for me here
Brake lights in the distance

20101202

20101202-2

Revelations! How terrible
And yet so much is lifted
Knowledge I asked for in youth
I was given knowledge
Truth I asked for this time
And truth i have received
What a horrible Christmas gift
But an unopened present
Of lies and deceit
Never served either of us
Forgiveness is over
We are over
It is the worst feeling ever
And yet
It is a relief
To know I'm not crazy
To know it doesn't end here
This pain too will pass
This pain too will pass

20101202

Does she know I'm watching
Does she even care
Does she know I'm hurting
Does she know I'm scared
Whatever happens now
She brought upon herself
For she is clearly wicked
And I am clearly deaf
She screamed her evil daily
But why, I'll never know
It's too much pain to deal with
And now it's time to go.

20101201

20101201

They say you'll go in your sleep
How wrong is that
You go when you wake up
A little more each day
Patterns of repetition collapsing
Falling down into more patterns
Belief structures and systems
In place for our own good
But our own good is out of place
We know it in our hearts
Our hearts will never know
If the choices were there for us
Or there against us