no breakfast
lunch: leftovers (chicken couscous and linguini w/turkey)
dinner: crawfish poboy and fries at bayou bar & grill
(marc broussard show)
it was at least a 100 degrees inside, broussard even did "it's hot in herre" poking fun at it. had a great time. he did
that stevie wonder song "you haven't done nooooothing", i think i may have been the only person in the building besides him
who knew the words, but it was cool ;) a was sweating like crazy too, its now after midnight and i'm screwed up because
i got a nap in at like 7pm. having a single piece of bread with nutella and peanut butter (yummy!).
our postoffice server is jacked up, had a bit of a tizzy with a this afternoon because i made the mistake of telling her
i would be leaving by 4pm. ed kept coming in checking on the service, and i eventually didn't leave till after 5, and even
then only after she called while i was talking to ed. we kinda smoothed things over, but she pretty much went off on me.
then she admitted she was on her period, i felt a little better but it was still a bit tenuous driving m down to mom's.
dad gave her a hug, i was surprised at that.
drinking m's milk right now, organic whole stuff a got at wild oats, good lord is it tasty, hehe. dog's out on the
couch, a is on the dell doing god knows what on myspace, and i'm waiting for the tiredness to kick back in.
playing the stevie wonder song now, wondering what a will do ;)
20060714
20060708
20060708
20060708 - diary
here it is 1pm in the afternoon. we woke up, went riding, went out to look for matresses for m and had arby's for lunch.
she's mentioned having other kids to me today, which to me means she's looking at least a little towards our future. while i
was getting the baby inside, she checked her cell for messages and apparently didn't have any, so that's a good thing. also
a good thing that she decided to turn the phone off and take a nap. the baby is sleeping too, but im just up, a bit bored,
ircing... she's still a bit strange towards me, and isn't as open as i'd like. i even get a little jittery and nervous talking
around her, like we're still dating and i'm still trying to impress or feel her out. i guess that's just my nerves trying
to compensate for the past few months. getting a big glass of water, back in a sec.
we had a great time yesterday at pirates, and really enjoyed kiss kiss bang bang as well.. i think im gonna paste some reviews
on myspace while they sleep. life is better i suppose these days. until the next cell phone call.
here it is 1pm in the afternoon. we woke up, went riding, went out to look for matresses for m and had arby's for lunch.
she's mentioned having other kids to me today, which to me means she's looking at least a little towards our future. while i
was getting the baby inside, she checked her cell for messages and apparently didn't have any, so that's a good thing. also
a good thing that she decided to turn the phone off and take a nap. the baby is sleeping too, but im just up, a bit bored,
ircing... she's still a bit strange towards me, and isn't as open as i'd like. i even get a little jittery and nervous talking
around her, like we're still dating and i'm still trying to impress or feel her out. i guess that's just my nerves trying
to compensate for the past few months. getting a big glass of water, back in a sec.
we had a great time yesterday at pirates, and really enjoyed kiss kiss bang bang as well.. i think im gonna paste some reviews
on myspace while they sleep. life is better i suppose these days. until the next cell phone call.
20060707
20060707-2
20060707-diary
so it's been a month since i decided to reclaim my life, but i'm still torn right now. i'm not sure if it's because i am
constantly wondering what's going on in ashly's head, or if it's the fact that i'm still attracted to her after all these years
and am unsure she wants me, or the simple dejection i feel when i attempt to communicate something to her and get a dismissive
"you're strange" look with no feedback. actually, that's bullshit, i know exactly why i'm like this. i have these reflections
to keep me company these days:
---
a wrote:
So the thing I got at VS is only a bra, but should i get something a little more naughty? I hate to spend lots of time picking out something I'll only wear for a few minutes, and which might get "damaged" anyway. ;) But maybe it will make a repeat performance when I'm up north?
...
well, for one you think it 'might' get damaged. HA- sweetheart, that thing will be torn off your body w/in a matter of seconds, so i'll reimburse you for what you spent, and while you're at it, i'd go out and get the matching bottoms so i can destroy them as well. (and you think you're revved up?)
that's my wife. of almost five years. just "talking shit"...
---
a wrote:
I think I know why you said "nothing happened" the way you did, but we both know that it wasn't "nothing".
I know I'm taking a risk on my marriage by staying close to you. I don't want you to feel bad about that, and I don't want to feel bad about that. I wish--- well, it doesn't matter. The important thing is, we got to spend time together, which was wonderful but not nearly enough. I miss you already and hope to see you again.
That said, if I seem down or in a sad/bad mood but can't talk about it at the time, be patient. There are probably reasons why, and I will tell you in my own time. Just know that you are not the cause of my unhappiness-- not anywhere near it.
how am i supposed to deal with these emotions? this is the kind of stuff that drives people insane. after going through
this immense pile of bullshit that my wife has been lobbing towards this guy behind my back, i have come to question my own
ability to keep quiet. what kills me is that if i actually were to "grow a pair" as she puts it and call her on all this,
she might say i've been spying and want a separation because of it. i hope our marriage is worth more than that.
truth be told, i WAS oblivious during this period before the reunion, and that's my fault, but i wasn't having an emotional(/real?)
affair with anyone. she doesn't take me seriously here. i give her hints here and there to let her know i have some inkling
what went on, but she acts so carefree that i now
-- oh hold on a second --
On 5/25/06, a wrote:
Can I say "love ya" without it being too big a deal?
I know how hard it is to deal with work when there are much more important things at hand. I hope you get out at a decent time.
more kisses:)
i've thought about it myself. funny you brought it up. i have absolutely no problem w/ it b/c 'love' is such a loaded word w/ so many different meanings, and i feel that the bond we've formed over the past month or so definitely merits the both of us to speak our feelings.
From: Ashly Hood Mailed-By: gmail.com
To: david zone
Date: May 31, 2006 9:05 AM
Subject: Re: getting together
I LOVE YOU!!!! You are so sweet, I could just kiss you (which I will, in 22 days!). . .
so every time i tell ashly that i love her, and i get a response, is there anything authentic there? or is it simply
a "loaded" word used to offset my feelings, keep me at bay and continue this facade. i want so badly for it to be real,
want her smiles to resonate with the same purpose and affection which i took for granted for years. are they real?
---
On 5/23/06, david zone wrote:
i'll give you a call if and when i can escape for some sort of lunch. That's great to hear you're coming up this way. we are definitely getting together when you do cum <-- oops, i think i spelled that wrong? (naughty me) Ashly Hood < maddiesmama25@gmail.com > wrote:
I am having a heat flash right now...
I don't mind the talk. Been a long time since I've heard it and honey, I can go all night, too.
From: Ashly Hood
To: david zone
Date: May 29, 2006 5:44 PM
Subject: Long weekend>;)
Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Delete this message | Show original | Message text garbled?
So I'm glad you had a good weekend, I know you needed to blow off a little steam and have some fun.... I missed talking to you though, for sure!
Now, I guess you need a massage to get rid of all those tight muscles from dancing, huh? And a few well-placed kisses to start out the massage. Maybe a little music, some more slow kisses... just tell me where you need them the most and I'll be happy to "help you out".
Hope that gets you started. I'll talk to you soon, have a great night and a great week. mmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh-
baby girl
xxxxx
I had the best dream last night. . . and if you're half as good a kisser in real life as you were in that dream, I don't know if I can wait three more weeks to see you!
thank you for the email. Unfortunately, i didn't get it until this morning, so......... (now specific parts of my body are crying for attention), but i'll live....for now??
Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be able to take care of everything when we see each other. Only 23 days 'til I get to FL! Can you wait that long? ;)
yeah this guy is a real class act. more "talking shit", dismiss it out of hand, right? i can't do that any more. i would love to be
more intimate, maybe my body is the obstacle there, but who knows... is my wife simply tired of me? if i could write the words or
fix my body to solve that situation, i would. i could write thousands of songs about it, cry my eyes out pleading with her, tattoo
it on my body, run up the cc balances on everything she's ever wanted; fact is, what's happened here is not tantamount to me
obsessively playing a video game. i have come to realize that i alone cannot mend this in my head. looking at her myspace page at
some other man's picture, no mention of me on the whole thing other than the single word "Married." she has really hurt me, but you
know what? i WILL NOT leave her. not because of obligation, not because of madeline (although she's reason enough!), but
-- one more sec --
Ashly Hood < maddiesmama25@gmail.com > wrote:
Anyway, about talking-- you aren't making it difficult. My life is already difficult and pretty much a mess. Patrick and I have been having problems for a loooooong time. I don't know why he hasn't left me; I'm not going to win any "World's Best Wife" awards, that's for sure. It's like I mentioned awhile back-- we got together so quickly, we thought we had all these things in common but we just. . . don't. I guess he thinks I'm going to leave him for you (or because of you, or because of nothing, I don't know!) and that's why he gets upset.
I get upset because our relationship is incredibly important to me, moreso than ever. i'm not asking for the world's best wife,
i'm asking for the same thing i've been asking for since our first night together in oxford. i'm asking for ashly.
why haven't i left her? because love never leaves. because i guess i've always been a bit of an escape artist, and i
oversimplify, and in my world the good guy wins in the end. here i am, working a normal job, trying to be a good dad (and
succeeding leaps and bounds above other men), and dealing with her lashing out at the baby, the dog, and myself, balancing
money issues poorly, but i've always thought our relationship, since it involved me, would just end up "working out" (as arrogant as
that sounds). goddamnit i want it to work out, but all this bullshit needs to come out into the open. the guy still calls every
day, and why not, when he's received this kind of attention for months. of course i accept some blame there, i have neglected her
to a point, but have i persued anyone like this? did i have dates or make plans or "talk shit" or carry on any of that garbage
behind anyone's back? no. she rarely wants to make love and goes and buys victoria's secret for this guy and then
pawns it off like it's for me when i ask. is she so naive to think that i wouldn't ask? that i wouldn't know? i live in
my own world sometimes, but i am one of the more observant people around and when my wife mysteriously rediscovers her libido
i notice.
Ashly Hood wrote:
Remember that scrapbook thing in Boston that I told you about? Well I've been given the go-ahead to go, so now all I need to do is get registered. It's in August. I'll have to go to the classes a little bit, but maybe you could drive up that weekend and I can ditch a few of the classes to "hang out"? It's still three months away but I wanted to let you know that I'm planning on coming.
I'll talk to you later on today, call me if you get a chance. muah!
BG
so do i still have this on my mind? of course. even the facade of jay and jayce's wedding trip was a ruse. she marks his
birthday in her calendar on par with our daughter's birthday and puts nothing for me. yes, that's simple childish jealousy, true,
but this is the woman i stood on the altar with and declared my love for, and got the same back from her.. then decides to
use someone else's wedding as an opportunity to "hook up" or "hang out" outside of ours, enticing the guy to come
down to florida for his birthday because it's the same weekend as the wedding and she'll be there (as she puts it) "alone.".
am i overreacting?
she wants to risk her marriage by talking to this guy, well i guess it's time for me to risk it by bringing all this
out into the open. i want her, but only if the truth and the trust that we built our relationship on is still there. only if
when i tell her "i love you", i get something truthful, tangible and wonderful back. for my own sanity's sake, i need to present
this to her. i'm not trying to make her feel like a bad person, but i wonder if she realizes how i truly feel. hurt.
hurt so bad that i haven't felt in years, hurt like the stones tossed at me when i was in elementary school. hurt like the
insults and pain tossed at me in high school. is this my rebirth? i've been living in this shell of insecurity for so long,
and just when i thought i'd conquered it, put it to rest by finding the love of my life, it is tested once again. by sheer will
i must again take the reigns of my life back under control, even though in my heart of hearts i again fear the REJECTION i
have been so mortally wounded by for decades. i cry tonight. i cry for all the anguish and pain and suffering that i have
gone through to reach this point. and it is with insufferable resolve that i must again choose, not between eating, or playing
the saxophone, or going to church, or playing video games. tonight, or very soon, i must choose whether or not to risk
the love and lifelong companionship of another soul, the one person dearest to my heart and the one which i fear losing above all
else, even my parents.
i saw my grandparents taken away from me so early on, and i stood in the pews during the whole passion at easter simply because
i'd heard every time someone does that a soul goes to heaven. i repeated this for years, wanting nothing else than to have
been some sort of martyr for those i loved. i have dreaded my parents being taken from me, and that is something i cannot control.
now i have two lives here with me that i value and cherish more than any other, and their love, presence, and understanding is also
something i cannot control, but i can choose. i can choose to bring light upon these issues and seek the truth. its so
cliche, it may indeed set me free, but as i cry and type, i cannot help thinking that ashly may only read it and want
to be free of me. dear god i love her so much. but i have to be honest with myself, and she must be honest with herself. if
she's happier rid of me, then she should be rid of me. if some other person can do with ease what i would strive with all my
might and wisdom to accomplish, it only reinforces my doubt. i don't want an apology, i don't want promises, i just want ashly.
if she's with me, i must bring these facts to bear, and she must admit to the wrongdoing and stop the "guy friend" facade.
you can't have it both ways. and i won't stand for a situation where the person who's trespassed on our marriage is allowed
to continue loitering. it's untenable.
i can only hope that both of us can talk on the same footing. i know what i want... it's time for her to decide what she wants.
even if it's not me. i want her to decide on her own what to do, because if i let her read this, who knows what'll happen. :/
-p
so it's been a month since i decided to reclaim my life, but i'm still torn right now. i'm not sure if it's because i am
constantly wondering what's going on in ashly's head, or if it's the fact that i'm still attracted to her after all these years
and am unsure she wants me, or the simple dejection i feel when i attempt to communicate something to her and get a dismissive
"you're strange" look with no feedback. actually, that's bullshit, i know exactly why i'm like this. i have these reflections
to keep me company these days:
---
a
So the thing I got at VS is only a bra, but should i get something a little more naughty? I hate to spend lots of time picking out something I'll only wear for a few minutes, and which might get "damaged" anyway. ;) But maybe it will make a repeat performance when I'm up north?
...
well, for one you think it 'might' get damaged. HA- sweetheart, that thing will be torn off your body w/in a matter of seconds, so i'll reimburse you for what you spent, and while you're at it, i'd go out and get the matching bottoms so i can destroy them as well. (and you think you're revved up?)
that's my wife. of almost five years. just "talking shit"...
---
a
I think I know why you said "nothing happened" the way you did, but we both know that it wasn't "nothing".
I know I'm taking a risk on my marriage by staying close to you. I don't want you to feel bad about that, and I don't want to feel bad about that. I wish--- well, it doesn't matter. The important thing is, we got to spend time together, which was wonderful but not nearly enough. I miss you already and hope to see you again.
That said, if I seem down or in a sad/bad mood but can't talk about it at the time, be patient. There are probably reasons why, and I will tell you in my own time. Just know that you are not the cause of my unhappiness-- not anywhere near it.
how am i supposed to deal with these emotions? this is the kind of stuff that drives people insane. after going through
this immense pile of bullshit that my wife has been lobbing towards this guy behind my back, i have come to question my own
ability to keep quiet. what kills me is that if i actually were to "grow a pair" as she puts it and call her on all this,
she might say i've been spying and want a separation because of it. i hope our marriage is worth more than that.
truth be told, i WAS oblivious during this period before the reunion, and that's my fault, but i wasn't having an emotional(/real?)
affair with anyone. she doesn't take me seriously here. i give her hints here and there to let her know i have some inkling
what went on, but she acts so carefree that i now
-- oh hold on a second --
On 5/25/06, a
Can I say "love ya" without it being too big a deal?
I know how hard it is to deal with work when there are much more important things at hand. I hope you get out at a decent time.
more kisses:)
i've thought about it myself. funny you brought it up. i have absolutely no problem w/ it b/c 'love' is such a loaded word w/ so many different meanings, and i feel that the bond we've formed over the past month or so definitely merits the both of us to speak our feelings.
From: Ashly Hood
To: david zone
Date: May 31, 2006 9:05 AM
Subject: Re: getting together
I LOVE YOU!!!! You are so sweet, I could just kiss you (which I will, in 22 days!). . .
so every time i tell ashly that i love her, and i get a response, is there anything authentic there? or is it simply
a "loaded" word used to offset my feelings, keep me at bay and continue this facade. i want so badly for it to be real,
want her smiles to resonate with the same purpose and affection which i took for granted for years. are they real?
---
On 5/23/06, david zone
i'll give you a call if and when i can escape for some sort of lunch. That's great to hear you're coming up this way. we are definitely getting together when you do cum <-- oops, i think i spelled that wrong? (naughty me) Ashly Hood < maddiesmama25@gmail.com > wrote:
I am having a heat flash right now...
I don't mind the talk. Been a long time since I've heard it and honey, I can go all night, too.
From: Ashly Hood
To: david zone
Date: May 29, 2006 5:44 PM
Subject: Long weekend>;)
Reply | Reply to all | Forward | Print | Add sender to Contacts list | Delete this message | Show original | Message text garbled?
So I'm glad you had a good weekend, I know you needed to blow off a little steam and have some fun.... I missed talking to you though, for sure!
Now, I guess you need a massage to get rid of all those tight muscles from dancing, huh? And a few well-placed kisses to start out the massage. Maybe a little music, some more slow kisses... just tell me where you need them the most and I'll be happy to "help you out".
Hope that gets you started. I'll talk to you soon, have a great night and a great week. mmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh-
baby girl
xxxxx
I had the best dream last night. . . and if you're half as good a kisser in real life as you were in that dream, I don't know if I can wait three more weeks to see you!
thank you for the email. Unfortunately, i didn't get it until this morning, so......... (now specific parts of my body are crying for attention), but i'll live....for now??
Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be able to take care of everything when we see each other. Only 23 days 'til I get to FL! Can you wait that long? ;)
yeah this guy is a real class act. more "talking shit", dismiss it out of hand, right? i can't do that any more. i would love to be
more intimate, maybe my body is the obstacle there, but who knows... is my wife simply tired of me? if i could write the words or
fix my body to solve that situation, i would. i could write thousands of songs about it, cry my eyes out pleading with her, tattoo
it on my body, run up the cc balances on everything she's ever wanted; fact is, what's happened here is not tantamount to me
obsessively playing a video game. i have come to realize that i alone cannot mend this in my head. looking at her myspace page at
some other man's picture, no mention of me on the whole thing other than the single word "Married." she has really hurt me, but you
know what? i WILL NOT leave her. not because of obligation, not because of madeline (although she's reason enough!), but
-- one more sec --
Ashly Hood < maddiesmama25@gmail.com > wrote:
Anyway, about talking-- you aren't making it difficult. My life is already difficult and pretty much a mess. Patrick and I have been having problems for a loooooong time. I don't know why he hasn't left me; I'm not going to win any "World's Best Wife" awards, that's for sure. It's like I mentioned awhile back-- we got together so quickly, we thought we had all these things in common but we just. . . don't. I guess he thinks I'm going to leave him for you (or because of you, or because of nothing, I don't know!) and that's why he gets upset.
I get upset because our relationship is incredibly important to me, moreso than ever. i'm not asking for the world's best wife,
i'm asking for the same thing i've been asking for since our first night together in oxford. i'm asking for ashly.
why haven't i left her? because love never leaves. because i guess i've always been a bit of an escape artist, and i
oversimplify, and in my world the good guy wins in the end. here i am, working a normal job, trying to be a good dad (and
succeeding leaps and bounds above other men), and dealing with her lashing out at the baby, the dog, and myself, balancing
money issues poorly, but i've always thought our relationship, since it involved me, would just end up "working out" (as arrogant as
that sounds). goddamnit i want it to work out, but all this bullshit needs to come out into the open. the guy still calls every
day, and why not, when he's received this kind of attention for months. of course i accept some blame there, i have neglected her
to a point, but have i persued anyone like this? did i have dates or make plans or "talk shit" or carry on any of that garbage
behind anyone's back? no. she rarely wants to make love and goes and buys victoria's secret for this guy and then
pawns it off like it's for me when i ask. is she so naive to think that i wouldn't ask? that i wouldn't know? i live in
my own world sometimes, but i am one of the more observant people around and when my wife mysteriously rediscovers her libido
i notice.
Ashly Hood
Remember that scrapbook thing in Boston that I told you about? Well I've been given the go-ahead to go, so now all I need to do is get registered. It's in August. I'll have to go to the classes a little bit, but maybe you could drive up that weekend and I can ditch a few of the classes to "hang out"? It's still three months away but I wanted to let you know that I'm planning on coming.
I'll talk to you later on today, call me if you get a chance. muah!
BG
so do i still have this on my mind? of course. even the facade of jay and jayce's wedding trip was a ruse. she marks his
birthday in her calendar on par with our daughter's birthday and puts nothing for me. yes, that's simple childish jealousy, true,
but this is the woman i stood on the altar with and declared my love for, and got the same back from her.. then decides to
use someone else's wedding as an opportunity to "hook up" or "hang out" outside of ours, enticing the guy to come
down to florida for his birthday because it's the same weekend as the wedding and she'll be there (as she puts it) "alone.".
am i overreacting?
she wants to risk her marriage by talking to this guy, well i guess it's time for me to risk it by bringing all this
out into the open. i want her, but only if the truth and the trust that we built our relationship on is still there. only if
when i tell her "i love you", i get something truthful, tangible and wonderful back. for my own sanity's sake, i need to present
this to her. i'm not trying to make her feel like a bad person, but i wonder if she realizes how i truly feel. hurt.
hurt so bad that i haven't felt in years, hurt like the stones tossed at me when i was in elementary school. hurt like the
insults and pain tossed at me in high school. is this my rebirth? i've been living in this shell of insecurity for so long,
and just when i thought i'd conquered it, put it to rest by finding the love of my life, it is tested once again. by sheer will
i must again take the reigns of my life back under control, even though in my heart of hearts i again fear the REJECTION i
have been so mortally wounded by for decades. i cry tonight. i cry for all the anguish and pain and suffering that i have
gone through to reach this point. and it is with insufferable resolve that i must again choose, not between eating, or playing
the saxophone, or going to church, or playing video games. tonight, or very soon, i must choose whether or not to risk
the love and lifelong companionship of another soul, the one person dearest to my heart and the one which i fear losing above all
else, even my parents.
i saw my grandparents taken away from me so early on, and i stood in the pews during the whole passion at easter simply because
i'd heard every time someone does that a soul goes to heaven. i repeated this for years, wanting nothing else than to have
been some sort of martyr for those i loved. i have dreaded my parents being taken from me, and that is something i cannot control.
now i have two lives here with me that i value and cherish more than any other, and their love, presence, and understanding is also
something i cannot control, but i can choose. i can choose to bring light upon these issues and seek the truth. its so
cliche, it may indeed set me free, but as i cry and type, i cannot help thinking that ashly may only read it and want
to be free of me. dear god i love her so much. but i have to be honest with myself, and she must be honest with herself. if
she's happier rid of me, then she should be rid of me. if some other person can do with ease what i would strive with all my
might and wisdom to accomplish, it only reinforces my doubt. i don't want an apology, i don't want promises, i just want ashly.
if she's with me, i must bring these facts to bear, and she must admit to the wrongdoing and stop the "guy friend" facade.
you can't have it both ways. and i won't stand for a situation where the person who's trespassed on our marriage is allowed
to continue loitering. it's untenable.
i can only hope that both of us can talk on the same footing. i know what i want... it's time for her to decide what she wants.
even if it's not me. i want her to decide on her own what to do, because if i let her read this, who knows what'll happen. :/
-p
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