19990501

what i require is not as great as what i think it is, not the "be-all end-all of human existence" moreso it cannot fathom a world in which dreams were to come true and i could actually find happiness. why is this concept so far away from me?

19990426

god help me.. hmm. i just need some direction. maybe i need to rethink this. at first i thought it was just a product of 22 years of collective guilt, but i dunno, maybe even the simple act of being with a group is enough to reinvigorate me.

19990301

pressure point

after i'm gone no one will care to read this
a haphazard attempt to accrue notability through incontinence
you'll be sharing thoughts with yourself in your old age
the only latent requirement is the sense of porcelain skin on mine
finite space becomes infinite upon closer inspection, considerably
so does the soul hope to recurse into itself to broaden hope
yet i have managed to find a wall instead, luckless me
a breaking point on the edge of my soul
years before it protected my energy from intrusion
now it taxes free thought and hampers exploration
where are my curves, have they forgotten to allot them?
i see happiness contained in my sibling's eyes, and i hate them for it
my parents couldn't be more content, and it hurts me deeply
attempts at understanding my rage are worthless gestures
the only fix is to stop the loneliness, either by
adding one to your number or taking one away. i need you!
doing more than slowly killing me, this is far, far worse
the black shadow of myself grows upon each incident
(how are these thoughts possible with no outward shame)
if unchecked, i'll have to remove myself, if only to save them from
the me that i've already begun to change into
unbalanced and unnoticed, none of them even care to glance
softer and caring but at a terrible price
will you ever feel confident enough to make your leap of faith?
how could these snakes be allowed to crawl over me?
i'm covered in blood regret from sallow head to toe. help.

19990120

whatever

i am the fork in the road
knife a-slicing away
hoping for a miracle
i am the forgotten soldier
was faithful when others withered
but now i sense the truth
in loneliness i have found me
"how could this be my fate", he said
standing myself is nearing its end
i have to escape from this
trying before left me more alone
i miss everyone i hate
i hate all i've missed
fuck them all, they're all alike
but most of all
last but not least
greatest in meaning
fuck you
forever
i'll choke on your ashes

19990115

gaining and losing

foot in the quick
never fitting into myself
trapped on the edge
weight drags me down
grasping for dead air
choking on the sand
worn out, dried up
denying myself the truth
regret is my sustenance
living for yesterday
one day at a time
as the world spins backwards
the mold breaks again
extremes of ugliness
fuck you and your self-esteem
i was winnowing away years ago
this is my masterpiece
let the living be duped