moments are fleeting
decimals repeating
cancer left untreated
please remain seated
a job well done
missing in action
a conjurer's cloak
of sadness and smoke
so far so bad
my blank wanted ad
20110630
20110629
20110629
Future problems solved with past mistakes. Back to back encumbrances flock to the scene of an accident waiting to happen. Nestled quietly in a din of motivation and inability to change, the warrior's residence becomes a tomb before he even realizes.
Backtrack months of progress with a single meal, and you'll see how difficult it is to reconstruct destiny after it shattered on the floor.
The body cannot maintain the simple pace and plan indicated, and rebels out of spite or other self-interests yet unknown. The mind becomes a caged animal clawing in vein at the appointed constraints and scrabbling for purchase on a Sisyphean incline of it's own making.
Weary. So very weary.
Backtrack months of progress with a single meal, and you'll see how difficult it is to reconstruct destiny after it shattered on the floor.
The body cannot maintain the simple pace and plan indicated, and rebels out of spite or other self-interests yet unknown. The mind becomes a caged animal clawing in vein at the appointed constraints and scrabbling for purchase on a Sisyphean incline of it's own making.
Weary. So very weary.
20110628
20110628
Fascinating fiction spun from the perspective of one who believes that all the wit and wisdom of our universe emanates directly from their glory hole.
A delicate, penetrable flower sown from the seeds of a fluid negotiation long directed towards a disassociated, distracted victor.
Long have the little authors wondered if their unseen short stories would have a lasting effect on the great orators demand for constant consumption and attention.
If there is a moral to the story, it is yet to be found, even with clues scattered around.
A delicate, penetrable flower sown from the seeds of a fluid negotiation long directed towards a disassociated, distracted victor.
Long have the little authors wondered if their unseen short stories would have a lasting effect on the great orators demand for constant consumption and attention.
If there is a moral to the story, it is yet to be found, even with clues scattered around.
20110627
20110627
helped get my friend back on the road sunday morning, and i believe the layover was positive.
my back gave out yesterday, literally feet from my house. i was finishing up a good run.. it was too hot and i was tired. i had forgotten my bandages (which are essential) and my cotton shirt (i wear two layers, because i'm self conscious) was stained with blood as i made my way home. anyway, like i said, it was damn hot (seven hells! was the expression which kept coming to mind) and i had bad form coming down the hill. spasm had the effect of lightning arcing across a sky, behind me. so.... sunday was a bit of a chill day. i did play some baseball with m after i picked her back up, but it was mainly an xbox day, and today will be as well. damn body. why can't you can't cooperate with my plans.
i went into work anyway. my coworker, perhaps finally annoyed by my groans and moans, asked if i wanted an ibuprofen, and i reluctantly took one. now i'm loopy. from one. heh.
my ex is still texting me with her planning orgies, and although i had been dutifully ignoring her, i was annoyed and inspired enough this morning to send her the following:
i doubt she had any idea what it was of course. i'm hoping she points the phone at her boyfriend and gets her answer. it amused me, and that was really the point of the exercise.
i had a jalapeno burger today with sweet potato fries at lunch. because i want to sabotage myself, i think. the self flagellation will air on schedule this evening.
my back gave out yesterday, literally feet from my house. i was finishing up a good run.. it was too hot and i was tired. i had forgotten my bandages (which are essential) and my cotton shirt (i wear two layers, because i'm self conscious) was stained with blood as i made my way home. anyway, like i said, it was damn hot (seven hells! was the expression which kept coming to mind) and i had bad form coming down the hill. spasm had the effect of lightning arcing across a sky, behind me. so.... sunday was a bit of a chill day. i did play some baseball with m after i picked her back up, but it was mainly an xbox day, and today will be as well. damn body. why can't you can't cooperate with my plans.
i went into work anyway. my coworker, perhaps finally annoyed by my groans and moans, asked if i wanted an ibuprofen, and i reluctantly took one. now i'm loopy. from one. heh.
my ex is still texting me with her planning orgies, and although i had been dutifully ignoring her, i was annoyed and inspired enough this morning to send her the following:
i doubt she had any idea what it was of course. i'm hoping she points the phone at her boyfriend and gets her answer. it amused me, and that was really the point of the exercise.
i had a jalapeno burger today with sweet potato fries at lunch. because i want to sabotage myself, i think. the self flagellation will air on schedule this evening.
20110626
20110626
i want to write a song using words rhymed solely garnered from misheard lyrics. that one carrie underwood song (yes, i know, i know) with "carved my name into his leather seats" i always hear as "carved my name into his legacy". and i might play off of that. who knows. my songwriting output has slowed considerably lately, and i guess i consider it a problem rather than a curiosity. everything in my life is seemingly progressing at the safest (and slowest) pace. weight loss, creativity, love, etc. are these doldrums? possibly.
---
m is spending the night with my mom tonight, and i am assisting an awesome friend through a move by providing shelter and entertainment. i get a good feeling helping others, which is ironic in that my introversion has angrily stamped out human contact in the past few months like a ground fire. whether or not i am a judgmental prick, i am a good man at heart.
---
m is spending the night with my mom tonight, and i am assisting an awesome friend through a move by providing shelter and entertainment. i get a good feeling helping others, which is ironic in that my introversion has angrily stamped out human contact in the past few months like a ground fire. whether or not i am a judgmental prick, i am a good man at heart.
20110625
20110624
20110624
Kiddo went to putt-putt yesterday. Picked her up and came home to find that Lego Pirates had arrived for the xbox. And there was much rejoicing. We played about an hour, then had dinner.
We attempted to play baseball, as we had played for a couple of hours the day before, but she lost her temper and I put a stop to the game.
I am trying my best to calm her down a bit, but divorce does this to kids. She screams and yells when things don't go her way; I'm working with her in the only way I know how.
She had timeout after the fit and xbox/baseball were off the table. She played by herself for awhile, but eventually I came and played house with her a sec. We watched a little tv (something on a science channel), caught fireflies, read books and then bed.
She is back in her bed again, against her nightly protests. It's been hard since the divorce but she'll be better off in the long run.
It is so hard being the only parent. I must continuously deal with the reality that my best might not be good enough when it comes to parenting. That my inadequacies translate to other facets of my life doesn't bother me per se; the fact that my daughter might suffer does. A lot.
We attempted to play baseball, as we had played for a couple of hours the day before, but she lost her temper and I put a stop to the game.
I am trying my best to calm her down a bit, but divorce does this to kids. She screams and yells when things don't go her way; I'm working with her in the only way I know how.
She had timeout after the fit and xbox/baseball were off the table. She played by herself for awhile, but eventually I came and played house with her a sec. We watched a little tv (something on a science channel), caught fireflies, read books and then bed.
She is back in her bed again, against her nightly protests. It's been hard since the divorce but she'll be better off in the long run.
It is so hard being the only parent. I must continuously deal with the reality that my best might not be good enough when it comes to parenting. That my inadequacies translate to other facets of my life doesn't bother me per se; the fact that my daughter might suffer does. A lot.
20110623
20110623
This belief is incontrovertible
Hold it well up high to scrutiny
Body and mind's needs in twain
Back out of your driveway again
Merge into human trafficking
Find a new search engine
Everything on your own terms
Hold it well up high to scrutiny
Body and mind's needs in twain
Back out of your driveway again
Merge into human trafficking
Find a new search engine
Everything on your own terms
20110622
20110622
Let's exercise all over again
Run the established routine
Half awake, and half asleep
Sell it all to make the scene
One foot in front of the other
Sign on the dotted line
Go until your body stops you
Sell it all and you'll be fine
One lie right after the other
Tell yourself you can skip in line
Stop before your mind stops you
Sell it all, you'll never be fine
Utility's killing all over again
So weary of the routine
I'd rather just stay asleep
Sell it all and fuck the scene
Run the established routine
Half awake, and half asleep
Sell it all to make the scene
One foot in front of the other
Sign on the dotted line
Go until your body stops you
Sell it all and you'll be fine
One lie right after the other
Tell yourself you can skip in line
Stop before your mind stops you
Sell it all, you'll never be fine
Utility's killing all over again
So weary of the routine
I'd rather just stay asleep
Sell it all and fuck the scene
20110621
20110621-2
happy birthday to my eldest brother, who still believes i'm a die hard catholic. also happy summer solstice. cough.
final conversation thread cut
calorie counting the hours down
syndrome of the universe
symptom of an eternal frown
little lies cut little ties
unauthorized to conceptualize
fleeting memories across town
ever head southbound and down
figure eight to pirouette
no one cared to notice yet
final conversation thread cut
calorie counting the hours down
syndrome of the universe
symptom of an eternal frown
little lies cut little ties
unauthorized to conceptualize
fleeting memories across town
ever head southbound and down
figure eight to pirouette
no one cared to notice yet
20110621
What am I going to do with a gf
Besides the fucking obvious
Nature and its compulsive needs
The sad habit of togetherness
Cant see another kid in the cards
Repeat the cycle of gain and loss
Invites for another happy couple
Shamed into inevitable decoupling
Stars crossed with selfishness
The new curse of our generation
No one has the patience for life
Pretty women with vacuous minds
Paired with men who evacuate
Lacking the courage for eternity
Devotion, honor have no meaning
When it's always about you
So I built a suburban island
With my one remnant intact
She's a beautiful little thing
All I can do is my best
And hope it's enough
Besides the fucking obvious
Nature and its compulsive needs
The sad habit of togetherness
Cant see another kid in the cards
Repeat the cycle of gain and loss
Invites for another happy couple
Shamed into inevitable decoupling
Stars crossed with selfishness
The new curse of our generation
No one has the patience for life
Pretty women with vacuous minds
Paired with men who evacuate
Lacking the courage for eternity
Devotion, honor have no meaning
When it's always about you
So I built a suburban island
With my one remnant intact
She's a beautiful little thing
All I can do is my best
And hope it's enough
20110620
20110620
what a day.
got kiddo to camp. had some static from her as she wanted to wear an old dress that doesn't fit anymore and i insisted that she wore a shirt and skirt/shorts. her activities this week: botanic garden, swimming, and putt-putt.
work was a mess. i am basically in charge of all user/group provisioning for a huge cloud project, because i stepped up, as usual. my part is fine, but waiting on a database because the one dba with the "knowledge" to install microsoft sql server is on vacation is silly. and they won't allow me to click freaking setup.exe and go.
the real story was this afternoon, as the ex began texting me calling me a "prick" because i asked her to start paying her child support when she got a new job. i calmly explained that the money wasn't for me, it was for our child, and if she wanted we could establish an account in her name instead of mine. she has paid $0 towards m since she moved out in december. that's seven months with absolutely no financial requirement for one's child. and to top it off, she asked me to provide spending money for my kid when her family takes her on vacation over the fourth. how could i have married such a person in the first place. but wait, she changed. a lot. it's so sad. i told my friend every time my dumbfuck ex opens her mouth i get five new songs.
she needed a washed white t-shirt for tie dyeing so we grabbed one after work.
she wanted to watch one show, and we did, but the rest of the evening was devoted to playing with daddy. we put it on one of the music channels and danced, we played tag for probably an hour (although the base mysteriously kept moving around!), we drew pictures together, we had a wrestling/kungfu/karate competition, she wrote a song, we caught fireflies, read books, and she was out.. in her own bed!
she got upset and told me she didn't want to go on vacation with her mom's family. i just held her and comforted as best i could.
we had hot dogs, corn on the cob and mashed potatoes for dinner.
i'm still crying randomly. but with the tears comes resolve. i'm slowly reprogramming myself.
got kiddo to camp. had some static from her as she wanted to wear an old dress that doesn't fit anymore and i insisted that she wore a shirt and skirt/shorts. her activities this week: botanic garden, swimming, and putt-putt.
work was a mess. i am basically in charge of all user/group provisioning for a huge cloud project, because i stepped up, as usual. my part is fine, but waiting on a database because the one dba with the "knowledge" to install microsoft sql server is on vacation is silly. and they won't allow me to click freaking setup.exe and go.
the real story was this afternoon, as the ex began texting me calling me a "prick" because i asked her to start paying her child support when she got a new job. i calmly explained that the money wasn't for me, it was for our child, and if she wanted we could establish an account in her name instead of mine. she has paid $0 towards m since she moved out in december. that's seven months with absolutely no financial requirement for one's child. and to top it off, she asked me to provide spending money for my kid when her family takes her on vacation over the fourth. how could i have married such a person in the first place. but wait, she changed. a lot. it's so sad. i told my friend every time my dumbfuck ex opens her mouth i get five new songs.
she needed a washed white t-shirt for tie dyeing so we grabbed one after work.
she wanted to watch one show, and we did, but the rest of the evening was devoted to playing with daddy. we put it on one of the music channels and danced, we played tag for probably an hour (although the base mysteriously kept moving around!), we drew pictures together, we had a wrestling/kungfu/karate competition, she wrote a song, we caught fireflies, read books, and she was out.. in her own bed!
she got upset and told me she didn't want to go on vacation with her mom's family. i just held her and comforted as best i could.
we had hot dogs, corn on the cob and mashed potatoes for dinner.
i'm still crying randomly. but with the tears comes resolve. i'm slowly reprogramming myself.
20110619
20110619
Little more than halfway done
Realize it's only year one
So thankful for all who helped
Navigate the aftermath dealt
Damaged goods with iron will
Now I've my own damage to deal
Discover a new font of power
Time grows shorter by the hour
Stranded with a broken compass
A mirror my only witness
Chart a new course each day
Destination: Bungeling Bay
Crash right into the ocean's roar
Forget the comfort of the shore
The past is now yours to raid
Redefine happy and you've got it made
Realize it's only year one
So thankful for all who helped
Navigate the aftermath dealt
Damaged goods with iron will
Now I've my own damage to deal
Discover a new font of power
Time grows shorter by the hour
Stranded with a broken compass
A mirror my only witness
Chart a new course each day
Destination: Bungeling Bay
Crash right into the ocean's roar
Forget the comfort of the shore
The past is now yours to raid
Redefine happy and you've got it made
20110618
20110618
Out of new books to read
Games have all been beaten
And so has everything else
Keep the pet alive another day
Clean the house yet again
Fight with the yard, and lose
Embrace a new repetition
A new form of escape
Succumb to sameness
Wash away your iniquities
Cleanse all of my sins
For I am truly not worthy
Not worthy to receive you
But how does one measure worth
The yardstick beyond repair
Too sad for words
Games have all been beaten
And so has everything else
Keep the pet alive another day
Clean the house yet again
Fight with the yard, and lose
Embrace a new repetition
A new form of escape
Succumb to sameness
Wash away your iniquities
Cleanse all of my sins
For I am truly not worthy
Not worthy to receive you
But how does one measure worth
The yardstick beyond repair
Too sad for words
20110617
20110617
Played sumo with her last night, she always has a blast doing that. Fighting some world class eczema this week on my legs, and I think it's winning. She's getting signed up for swim class for the next two weeks, so that's good. I have this weekend to myself, running/reading/xbox/etc. Still need to decide what, if anything, I'm doing the week of the 4th.
20110616
20110616
Slept late this morning
Kiddo actually woke before me
First time in a long time for that
Today is a team building exercise
Off we head to a ball game
I'm sure it will be very exciting
Not really motivated to write
Finished a song yesterday
Just in time to write another
Kiddo actually woke before me
First time in a long time for that
Today is a team building exercise
Off we head to a ball game
I'm sure it will be very exciting
Not really motivated to write
Finished a song yesterday
Just in time to write another
20110615
20110615
The pictures were anathema
A hideous recoiling from shock
Curvaceous detriment to manhood
Everything was out of proportion
Embarrassing piece of humanity
An outcast requested a respite
The camera gave no quarter
After all the running, the work
These pictures made a mockery
Though they are true nature
Their honesty is a bitter pill
A pill which I must now swallow
Continue down the solitary path
So lace up your shoes yet again
Pretend you're making progress
And make it a reality for others
You still have time, you know
Every iota of attention has me
On my knees swearing fealty
The girl on the run this morning
Asked me "are we there yet?"
I answered "we're getting there"
And it was the truth
A hideous recoiling from shock
Curvaceous detriment to manhood
Everything was out of proportion
Embarrassing piece of humanity
An outcast requested a respite
The camera gave no quarter
After all the running, the work
These pictures made a mockery
Though they are true nature
Their honesty is a bitter pill
A pill which I must now swallow
Continue down the solitary path
So lace up your shoes yet again
Pretend you're making progress
And make it a reality for others
You still have time, you know
Every iota of attention has me
On my knees swearing fealty
The girl on the run this morning
Asked me "are we there yet?"
I answered "we're getting there"
And it was the truth
20110614
20110614
Time for a pre-flight check
Lament the safety of the nest
A final glance at familiarity
Molt again to preserve change
Escape these bonds before you
Spread both wings and capture it
The sky is yours for the asking
Migrate south to change course
A slow flight towards the horizon
Pines, oaks undulate underneath
A well rehearsed dance for all
Only the fallen can't join in
Spy the sheen of solar diamonds
A thousand thousand streams
Deflecting those cosmic rays
With love and deference
Life springs forth in harmony
Such activity at the surface
But I'm well above all that now
Beating my wings as mom taught
No destination but why worry
Keep it undefined, the best plan
Find out when you get there
Until then, just enjoy the flight
Just be content with the journey
It has its own reward, you'll see
Every day is simply a checkpoint
You are safe, high in the sky
A voice echoes forth from above:
"what I used to be
will pass away
and then you'll see
that all I want now
is happiness for you and me"
That's good enough for now
Lament the safety of the nest
A final glance at familiarity
Molt again to preserve change
Escape these bonds before you
Spread both wings and capture it
The sky is yours for the asking
Migrate south to change course
A slow flight towards the horizon
Pines, oaks undulate underneath
A well rehearsed dance for all
Only the fallen can't join in
Spy the sheen of solar diamonds
A thousand thousand streams
Deflecting those cosmic rays
With love and deference
Life springs forth in harmony
Such activity at the surface
But I'm well above all that now
Beating my wings as mom taught
No destination but why worry
Keep it undefined, the best plan
Find out when you get there
Until then, just enjoy the flight
Just be content with the journey
It has its own reward, you'll see
Every day is simply a checkpoint
You are safe, high in the sky
A voice echoes forth from above:
"what I used to be
will pass away
and then you'll see
that all I want now
is happiness for you and me"
That's good enough for now
20110613
20110613-2
The phone is silent, no surprise
Swept away by hourglass eyes
Comfort and trouble, such a pair
Taken to task, brought to bear
Wear it well, this Viking crown
What goes around never comes around
Happy days right down the toilet
I'd give it away but why spoil it
Swept away by hourglass eyes
Comfort and trouble, such a pair
Taken to task, brought to bear
Wear it well, this Viking crown
What goes around never comes around
Happy days right down the toilet
I'd give it away but why spoil it
20110613
Everything will be alright, you'll see
The common thread was me
You only did what you thought was right
Driving in reverse towards hindsight
Relegated because of a flaw
A shadow dances on madness's maw
Impotent but trying to fix this split
A puzzle wherein none of the pieces fit
Cautious of closeness, growing to see
The common thread was me
Change is such a lonely place
Admit the truth just to save face
All I wanted was to feel a little better
Where lives a debt there lies a debtor
It comes when you least expect
Never courageous never direct
Nothing ever comes for free
The common thread is me
How many words set it off
Which words cost you it all
First one step then the others
With each step, you'll discover
Kindred spirits in shadows joined
Who won't deceive a heart purloined
So cast it off, win some lose some
Go off and build your own martyrdom
I'll be okay, though I'm sad you won't see
The common thread was me
The common thread was me
You only did what you thought was right
Driving in reverse towards hindsight
Relegated because of a flaw
A shadow dances on madness's maw
Impotent but trying to fix this split
A puzzle wherein none of the pieces fit
Cautious of closeness, growing to see
The common thread was me
Change is such a lonely place
Admit the truth just to save face
All I wanted was to feel a little better
Where lives a debt there lies a debtor
It comes when you least expect
Never courageous never direct
Nothing ever comes for free
The common thread is me
How many words set it off
Which words cost you it all
First one step then the others
With each step, you'll discover
Kindred spirits in shadows joined
Who won't deceive a heart purloined
So cast it off, win some lose some
Go off and build your own martyrdom
I'll be okay, though I'm sad you won't see
The common thread was me
20110612
20110612
m spent the night at my bro's with her cousin, a 10yr old boy. they get along and then fight like cats and dogs but it's really good for both of them to hang out, being only children and all.
and so i get to run this morning, finally.
i feel like i disappointed a friend yesterday. and i know i maybe shouldn't feel that way, but i do. i had two beers for the first time in a while last night (my brother handed me glasses with the beer already poured while i was working on his computer problems), and it threw me for a loop so i crashed early. anyway it's time to run them off before it's sweltering.
Amazing dream. I was at a huge party and m was out playing with her friends. This girl comes up to me and grabs me from behind, and I ask "who dat is" and she laughs and asks why I talk like that. I'm embarrassed because I'd thought it was one of my friends grabbing me, but she was cool. I sat down with her and two of her friends on this couch thing with wheels that was moving. She gave me her number and I fumbled with my phone while she laughed.
We got off the couch and I saw two girls I'd known in elementary school who didn't recognize me. We only talked for a sec but when I turned around the girl had vanished.
I panicked and found my friends, but they were leaving. On the way out some other girl comes up and gives me (and my friends) these bags from the girl who liked me, with a couple of geek books each as gifts, and there was a note for me. I remember I have her number and smile, and tell my friends I'm going back for m and thats where I woke up. I wish I could have read the note before I woke up.
and so i get to run this morning, finally.
i feel like i disappointed a friend yesterday. and i know i maybe shouldn't feel that way, but i do. i had two beers for the first time in a while last night (my brother handed me glasses with the beer already poured while i was working on his computer problems), and it threw me for a loop so i crashed early. anyway it's time to run them off before it's sweltering.
Amazing dream. I was at a huge party and m was out playing with her friends. This girl comes up to me and grabs me from behind, and I ask "who dat is" and she laughs and asks why I talk like that. I'm embarrassed because I'd thought it was one of my friends grabbing me, but she was cool. I sat down with her and two of her friends on this couch thing with wheels that was moving. She gave me her number and I fumbled with my phone while she laughed.
We got off the couch and I saw two girls I'd known in elementary school who didn't recognize me. We only talked for a sec but when I turned around the girl had vanished.
I panicked and found my friends, but they were leaving. On the way out some other girl comes up and gives me (and my friends) these bags from the girl who liked me, with a couple of geek books each as gifts, and there was a note for me. I remember I have her number and smile, and tell my friends I'm going back for m and thats where I woke up. I wish I could have read the note before I woke up.
20110611
20110611-2
It's eleven eleven, so make a wish
Another lie courtesy of the bitch
The missing piece is left content
A missing peace already spent
The worst part is feeling snubbed
Uninvited, kicked from the club
The ultimate incarnation of that
Losing your love at the drop of a hat
The few with keys talk of therapies
But the problem starts and ends with me
Do I think I'll ever figure it out
I think, I hope, I wish apart.
Another lie courtesy of the bitch
The missing piece is left content
A missing peace already spent
The worst part is feeling snubbed
Uninvited, kicked from the club
The ultimate incarnation of that
Losing your love at the drop of a hat
The few with keys talk of therapies
But the problem starts and ends with me
Do I think I'll ever figure it out
I think, I hope, I wish apart.
20110611
1am. up. crying. can't go back to sleep. elliott in ears via phone.
saw a beautiful girl on fb and was entranced. then i saw her wedding album. and something about that made me tear up. maybe remembering the sheer joy of it all. cheeks literally sore from smiling too much in one day. been awhile since i've had a good cry. i'm such a woman.
got a broken heart, and your name on my cast.
saw a beautiful girl on fb and was entranced. then i saw her wedding album. and something about that made me tear up. maybe remembering the sheer joy of it all. cheeks literally sore from smiling too much in one day. been awhile since i've had a good cry. i'm such a woman.
got a broken heart, and your name on my cast.
20110610
20110610
First dream was the standard breakup saga with the ex.. To say I have grown tired of that dream would be an understatement of epic proportions. The only plus is that in these past months the antagonist guy has changed three times, as my ex changes guys, so at least it keeps the dream interesting. The second dream is another one I've had before. There is someone with a gun who is going crazy and I dive into this cupboard type thing and there is a secret passage I have to crawl through to safety. But there's another passage that's blocked off, and for some reason I keep trying to clear it away.
Anyway I'm up and our company picnic is today at noon. There is usually a volleyball game and if I don't chicken out and stay at work with the Microsoft guys, I will probably join in. I have only been able to run once this week, so I've been in a black mood (what else is new).
I have written about 50 songs since she moved out, and recorded the better ones out to soundcloud.
Oh, one other thing: my student loan was sold to another company last month. It irritated me because I have used the same company since I got the loans back in the 90s, and so instead of paying the usual payment I wrote them a check for my entire balance. Sorta passive aggressive, but whatevs. So I'm mid 30s and student loan debt is finally toast. I probably could have had it paid off years ago if I hadn't been tossing most of my money into a bottomless vagina, but that's done so fuck it. Harsh? Bitter? Yeah probably. Divorce changes people. Deal with it!
Anyway I'm up and our company picnic is today at noon. There is usually a volleyball game and if I don't chicken out and stay at work with the Microsoft guys, I will probably join in. I have only been able to run once this week, so I've been in a black mood (what else is new).
I have written about 50 songs since she moved out, and recorded the better ones out to soundcloud.
Oh, one other thing: my student loan was sold to another company last month. It irritated me because I have used the same company since I got the loans back in the 90s, and so instead of paying the usual payment I wrote them a check for my entire balance. Sorta passive aggressive, but whatevs. So I'm mid 30s and student loan debt is finally toast. I probably could have had it paid off years ago if I hadn't been tossing most of my money into a bottomless vagina, but that's done so fuck it. Harsh? Bitter? Yeah probably. Divorce changes people. Deal with it!
20110609
20110609
Scripture's saint, rumor's demon
Traded blows with another heathen
Cheated just to settle the score
Opened a window to death's door
War and chaos, a meteoric rise
Brought peace and truth to a nation of lies
Crafted a throne out of regret
Though the kingdom doesn't know it yet
Truly it has become a sight to behold
Creased and careworn and seeming so old
But somehow the prophecies went awry
This monarch might ne'er learn how to fly
Peek and poke the royal scales
Scared to succeed, scared to fail
Traded blows with another heathen
Cheated just to settle the score
Opened a window to death's door
War and chaos, a meteoric rise
Brought peace and truth to a nation of lies
Crafted a throne out of regret
Though the kingdom doesn't know it yet
Truly it has become a sight to behold
Creased and careworn and seeming so old
But somehow the prophecies went awry
This monarch might ne'er learn how to fly
Peek and poke the royal scales
Scared to succeed, scared to fail
20110608
20110607
20110607
Summer skies capture old lies
Painted shadows under old eyes
Bleeding past the horizon's glow
Creeping over holes below
A eulogy for a better man
Buried under the desert sands
Left embracing a hornet's nest
A half-life lived on house arrest
Safe and sound in another shell
Purchased heaven to find hell
Save your pity for a better man
Leave this one to the desert sands
Painted shadows under old eyes
Bleeding past the horizon's glow
Creeping over holes below
A eulogy for a better man
Buried under the desert sands
Left embracing a hornet's nest
A half-life lived on house arrest
Safe and sound in another shell
Purchased heaven to find hell
Save your pity for a better man
Leave this one to the desert sands
20110606
20110606-2
dropped my daughter at camp this morning (first day).
she is sporting a rash on both arms and a gaudy pirates of the caribbean temporary tattoo, both courtesy of her dumbfuck mother. she took her to a pool party with 0 other kids and apparently the pool had just been cleaned (so jump right in, by all means!), so probably a shitload of chlorine.. can't explain the tattoo, but the ex had one as well.
at least the weekend went well, as in she didn't yell at her daughter apparently. i just wish she'd move away; she is more harm than good.
she is sporting a rash on both arms and a gaudy pirates of the caribbean temporary tattoo, both courtesy of her dumbfuck mother. she took her to a pool party with 0 other kids and apparently the pool had just been cleaned (so jump right in, by all means!), so probably a shitload of chlorine.. can't explain the tattoo, but the ex had one as well.
at least the weekend went well, as in she didn't yell at her daughter apparently. i just wish she'd move away; she is more harm than good.
20110606
Good dreams and bad dreams
Meet with the middleman, again
An avid predictor of unmirth
Sweltering consciousness arise
Marriage is simply a pattern
Turns out, so is divorce
Continental drifting away slowly
Towards my fortress of solitude
Thats where the comparison ends
I assure you
Meet with the middleman, again
An avid predictor of unmirth
Sweltering consciousness arise
Marriage is simply a pattern
Turns out, so is divorce
Continental drifting away slowly
Towards my fortress of solitude
Thats where the comparison ends
I assure you
20110605
20110605
It's 6am and I'm walking flynn
Had a dream there was a gig
I was supposed to play with
Kurt Cobain
I'm not a big nirvana fan
But anyway
My guitar wouldn't cooperate
It was new and needed stringing
So they played without me
What does it mean?
Who knows...
Time for a run
Had a dream there was a gig
I was supposed to play with
Kurt Cobain
I'm not a big nirvana fan
But anyway
My guitar wouldn't cooperate
It was new and needed stringing
So they played without me
What does it mean?
Who knows...
Time for a run
20110604
20110604-2
so my ex picked up my kid from my mom yesterday. and i confirmed (again!) that she is indeed nuts.
she tried to hug my mom, quite unexpectedly, i suppose in an attempt to make peace with her. my mom said she stood like a post for this randomness, unsure how to react ("et tu brute, anyone?" .. or in the parlance of our times, i suppose admiral ackbar springs more to mind).
ex began blabbing about how "it took us a long time to realize we weren't made for each other" and "my family hates me" and then, unsurprisingly, she asked my mom if i was dating anyone. my mom replied that she didn't know because it wasn't any of her business. i love my mom.
apparently finding out you weren't made for someone is accomplished by fucking everyone who will text you back. i think it's killing her that she doesn't know if i'm dating anyone. if only she knew how fucking alone and lonely and hopeless and helpless i am right now. but i would never tell her. it will only feed her black ego and my bitter heart.
anyway, m wasn't even in the car yet and was already crying, because my ex got rid of the cat she had adopted, presumably because she got sick. so now the abandonment toll stands as follows:
one husband
one daughter
one dog (marley)
one cat (alice)
"but once mommy gets her new place, i'm thinking of getting a rabbit or hamster," she tells her daughter. so i think her master plan is to methodically abandon the entire animal kingdom, one at a time.
she is also taking kiddo to a pool party with no other children tonight, and she wouldn't tell me exactly where. joy.
she tried to hug my mom, quite unexpectedly, i suppose in an attempt to make peace with her. my mom said she stood like a post for this randomness, unsure how to react ("et tu brute, anyone?" .. or in the parlance of our times, i suppose admiral ackbar springs more to mind).
ex began blabbing about how "it took us a long time to realize we weren't made for each other" and "my family hates me" and then, unsurprisingly, she asked my mom if i was dating anyone. my mom replied that she didn't know because it wasn't any of her business. i love my mom.
apparently finding out you weren't made for someone is accomplished by fucking everyone who will text you back. i think it's killing her that she doesn't know if i'm dating anyone. if only she knew how fucking alone and lonely and hopeless and helpless i am right now. but i would never tell her. it will only feed her black ego and my bitter heart.
anyway, m wasn't even in the car yet and was already crying, because
one husband
one daughter
one dog (marley)
one cat (alice)
"but once mommy gets her new place, i'm thinking of getting a rabbit or hamster," she tells her daughter. so i think her master plan is to methodically abandon the entire animal kingdom, one at a time.
she is also taking kiddo to a pool party with no other children tonight, and she wouldn't tell me exactly where. joy.
20110604
Sleep reinvigorates the soul
Or at least it is supposed to
Unfortunately it's not the case
I wake up and it's already 95
My palms are still acting weird
The doc called after hours
So when I called back
They were already closed
Time to get my results I guess
Wonder if it's bad news
Gonna mow my front yard first
Words cannot express this heat
For 8am, it's just ridiculous
Ugh
Or at least it is supposed to
Unfortunately it's not the case
I wake up and it's already 95
My palms are still acting weird
The doc called after hours
So when I called back
They were already closed
Time to get my results I guess
Wonder if it's bad news
Gonna mow my front yard first
Words cannot express this heat
For 8am, it's just ridiculous
Ugh
20110603
20110603
I want to be one of them
The ones you see about town
Healthy and popular and free
Lean bodies approved for friction
Strong, an able participant
Life offers all its comforts
The shirt can come off at will
And there is no shame or fear
Because all is in proportion
What would I give for admission
The secret club of normalcy
I'd give everything, honestly
Shut down all other processes
Work on this effort exclusively
Why is my goal unrealistic
Keep at it, fuck all else
Keep chiseling away at yourself
The ones you see about town
Healthy and popular and free
Lean bodies approved for friction
Strong, an able participant
Life offers all its comforts
The shirt can come off at will
And there is no shame or fear
Because all is in proportion
What would I give for admission
The secret club of normalcy
I'd give everything, honestly
Shut down all other processes
Work on this effort exclusively
Why is my goal unrealistic
Keep at it, fuck all else
Keep chiseling away at yourself
20110602
20110602
The morning sun stabs again
Directly in the back as always
Beautiful yet dangerous
Life is like that this summer
An evershrinking precipice
Somewhere lies the killswitch
Only took three decades to find
When I hit it nothing happens
Somehow I lost power
Keep trying to reconnect
Keep trying
Directly in the back as always
Beautiful yet dangerous
Life is like that this summer
An evershrinking precipice
Somewhere lies the killswitch
Only took three decades to find
When I hit it nothing happens
Somehow I lost power
Keep trying to reconnect
Keep trying
20110601
20110601
Draw a face onto yourself
Creased around the edges
A smile that's pencil thin
Shade deeply around the eyes
Eyes that won't cry anymore
Color in if you feel the need
Or leave things black and white
Stay in shadow, it won't matter
A mask for all occasions
Wear it well, but remember
Removal will hurt immensely
And may well be impossible
That's the nature of things
Creased around the edges
A smile that's pencil thin
Shade deeply around the eyes
Eyes that won't cry anymore
Color in if you feel the need
Or leave things black and white
Stay in shadow, it won't matter
A mask for all occasions
Wear it well, but remember
Removal will hurt immensely
And may well be impossible
That's the nature of things
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