Nightmare:
We are at a party making out and then all of a sudden she stops. She goes over to the couch and starts watching our movies with another man. Confused, I go try to clean myself and I'm dirty no matter what I do. She comes in and tells me she's leaving in a month. I try to talk her out of it but it's no use. I go to work the next day and sit alone in some sort of cafeteria while all my coworkers and their spouses are well away from me. I think about all the times I relied on her to pick up or look after our child so I could do something work related, and now she would be free to be completely undependable. And then I wake up and it's 4:45 and I want off this miserable fucking planet again.
I miss her so much.
I can never forget how much she hurt me but she is all I've ever known. We finally reach a stable point in life, both have good jobs, a house, a daughter who is a breeze, and she decides to bail. She was scared of it, scared of the stability because it truly meant a lifelong commitment, and the reality of "lifelong" hit her like a ton of bricks. But now that she's ruined everything, she looks at the situation across a gulf of lonely thirtysomethings and she is forced to try and recapture it, inevitably pulled back towards a relationship. Will she marry this guy? Who knows. But it was so remarkably easy for her, and perhaps that is why I hate her. I look at my life and realize I geared it towards making her happy and am now completely unequipped to go out and fish for another woman. Hell i've never even dated really, and the prospect of starting in my thirties does not sound very appealing.
It is complete truth now that my daughter is the only thing keeping me alive. And I'm scared of her abandoning me. And I'm selfishly wanting to be alone again, as my ex has so easily accomplished! I wish she were a good mom, and we could have split the duties, but if she were maybe none of this would have happened. My daughter forces me into social situations at the worst time of my life, when I want to be safe in my shell. I can't even have the luxury of burying my head in my work, because every morning and every afternoon I am now constrained by the inflexible demands of taking her and picking her up. And then add in extracurricular activities and I very quickly become an anathema to myself, a faceless quiet vehicle for my daughter without a life of his own. Is that my future?
It's been four months and I don't feel like I've made a single shred of identifiable progress towards getting over her. What the fuck is wrong with me. If I still feel this way in December, is that an acceptable time to end it all? How about five years from now? I told her once "I'm not the type of guy who gets over this".
Will casual sex work? Will another relationship? How could I possibly balance an early phase relationship with my kid around, I have no time to discover another girl truly. I am trapped in introspection land, and it will take more than the primal need to get laid to rescue me from myself.
One thing I can do.. get in shape. Focus on nothing else. By demons be driven. Not for her or anyone else, but for myself. Conquer the destructive force which has saddled you to fear and circled you like an albatross your entire adult life. But don't do it for anyone else other than yourself. And then, maybe you won't be scared anymore.
