Dream/Nightmare?:
Dinner party with friends, I announce while she is on the phone that we are breaking up. I go outside and the planets are aligning in the night sky and are all visible with the naked eye (they were huge and beautiful). I tell everyone to come out and see and she eventually comes too. We start talking and she starts crying telling me she wants to be a kid again, and I say it's impossible. She suggests we go somewhere private to talk so we do. We are discussing the situation, she mentions that she'll get back together but she wants to keep having sex with other guys.. and all of a sudden c is sitting there. I tell him I think he's much better for her than her current boyfriend and him and I are almost instant friends, to her amazement.
I wake up at 5:30 and now I almost want to call him and tell him I'm actually worried about her. How fucked up is that?
The truth is, even with his holy roller hypocrisy and narcissism he was a much safer match for her than a metalhead drummer with two kids who (from her own mouth) mistreats her. I'm so conflicted though.. most of the time if you'd ask me I want her to take a long walk off a short pier. Deep in my psyche I still care for her well being on some level. I wish I could remove that from the equation, but I guess hating her to the core just isn't something I can do. This clearly stinks, as it will make my healing process more prolonged and painful because of these stupid conflicting emotions. Can't stand her presence until I'm dreaming. When will my dreams reconcile? Never?
