20070131
she's still up to no good. pretty much thought about my options on my run. those being ignoring it, complacency, anger, divorce, suicide, the usual.
unfortunately, this movie quote sums up what my life has become:
Cameron has never been in love. At least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.
i've been considering writing up the note for awhile now. life has become one long drawn out suicide note for me, and if things don't change, it's only a matter of time before things crystallize into a document and an action. i just love my daughter so much: she just walked by and smiled at me, and i smiled back. i'm drawn to tears at her merest glance today. i share moments with her like i've shared with no other person on earth. this being said because those similar moments i shared with a -- which were what feel like so many years ago -- when our love was easy, beautiful, and reciprocated, seem so distant now. with her infidelity and loss of respect for me, the feelings seem to have faded over time, and have left her jaded and me disappointed and sad. just as i've used her, i'm being used. honestly, i can't be angry at my wife or my life. something beyond my (or her) control has changed her outlook on love and life, and maybe for the better. maybe she doesn't want to live out her days with me, and maybe she'll be better off without me, so she'd sooner provoke me to be rid of me. maybe i'd be better off without me as well.
is someone going to read this after i'm gone and consider it trite and convenient? will i be thought of as some sorry emo fuckwit? does it even matter? here i am, its 6pm, i'm sweaty from a run in sub-freezing temperatures, i need to shower, need to eat some dinner, and need to spend a happy night with ashly and madeline. but all i want to do is go back outside and run more. i want to run, need to keep running forever, need to escape all of this. and all that's going to happen is i'm going to brood because i can't help myself, she'll roll her eyes -- the most patent sign of misunderstanding available to her -- and chalk it up to me being a weakling, and my feelings will be pushed aside, yet again. i wish i could have seen what was going on last semester, or last year, or before madeline was brought into this world, but today is the world we live in, and today is the day upon which we must base our decisions. and i decide...
