20140520

I need a girlfriend.  I'm miserable.

20140516

Living life as a fatalist is debilitating.  I'm sitting there watching a movie with my kid and the pervading thought is how the dog on her lap will be gone before we know it.  Then the thoughts inevitably move towards my parents, then me.  I try I fight the realization of futility of being, the pull of humanity, but this is a powerful vortex of my own creation.  And I can never move past it, constant as a beating drum.  The drums will stop though.  Soon enough.

Ran four miles, and the 'moment of clarity' thought was "if the search for meaning is a biological imperative, why did we as humans adapt towards it.  Evolution appears to be an orchestrated adaptation towards environment.  Why then do we search for meaning?"

20140514

my child just went right the heck off tonight. crying, sadness, etc.

she tells me she hardly knows her mom. i don't know if therapy would make it better or worse.

i sure don't know what to tell her, but i tried my best to set things at ease. perhaps it will pass with the summer breeze.

20140505

i've rediscovered bjork. post is just a fantastic album from start to finish.

another chance at newk's, another fail. JUMP IN. mayhap one day.

this is worth a watch. might better your life.

20140503

April ended and May began. The fifth month. For two weeks I've had two separate crews of laborers working on gutting and remodeling my bathroom. They finally left last night, but I am not at all satisfied with the plumbing work. On their initial attempts, the shower was leaking behind the tile and required multiple soldering nonsense to try and fix the situation, to the point that I'm now scared to even turn it on, lest it start leaking. The p-trap in the sink is leaking as well. My contractor, who also happens to be my sister's husband, may or may not come over today to assist me in building out the shower door, at which point I'll run the shower and test the solder joints, but my confidence level is very low. I must say though, the tile guys were awesome, and the bathroom looks aesthetically pleasing, if only it were usable.

I didn't really save any money either. I guess I've learned my lesson insomuch as doing business with family. I love the guy but the people he hires are questionable, and the financial situation behind the entire enterprise seems a trifle shady.

Blogging really didn't occur to me at all during this process, as I've been almost at post-divorce levels of stress and worry throughout. I had nightmares all night and woke up to let the dog out and that was it. No going back to bed. So i started cleaning up the assorted nails and chips of tile from my carport and backyard in preparation for pulling my car back underneath, clearing away boxes and such from my bedroom, and sweeping the tile. What made me sit down here at 8AM to blog was the fact that I stepped on the scale, fully expecting to have gained weight, and there it was. I hit my goal. Momentous doesn't cover this moment. I moved the scale around to different areas to make sure it wasn't fucking with me, but all readings pointed to the same conclusion. I walked down the hallway, grabbed my dog along the way, sat on the couch with him in my arms and cried, my first one in a while.

And now here I sit, recapping only a small portion of the craziness of a family bathroom remodel and a subsequent stress induced weight loss goal monument.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

20140416

so tired of no sleep. this is getting out of hand.

20140412

did i really eat an entire package of semi-sweet chocolates in less than three days?

yes, yes i did. :/

20140408

In bed again, waiting for sleep to hit.

Yesterday..

lunch: steak ranchero

dinner: chicken and salad

dessert: hazelnut spread

Did some lifting, sore as hell now

Today..

lunch: chicken, rice, house salad

dinner: favorite salad

No exercise, but played with kidlet

Rediscovered a song I thought I'd lost

BF2 at night

20140406

Racking my brain for what I've eaten this weekend, as it seems like I got a little off the rails with my diet.  Lessee, 

Saturday:

lunch: chicken and sour cream

snack: protein pudding

dinner: chicken and cabbage

snack: gluten free chocolate bar

Sunday:

lunch: chicken and spinach salad

snack: homemade chicken fajita mix

snack: protein pudding

dinner: chicken and sour cream

dessert: razzleberry pie

I did run 5k on Saturday and two miles today, but I feel like I'm running in place as far as the diet.  

Today was a good day otherwise.  Got kiddo back and we went down to OB.  Dad fixed my chainsaw, I got to run and see my folks, and kiddo had fun, convincing me to purchase supplies at michaels for a foam 8-bit mario piranha plant craft project.  We didn't quite finish it but she was as happy as a clam, and so was I.  Practiced a little piano tonight as well.  No time for objective-c self teaching.

I still have one-itis with the stupid runner girl; I swear I'm not a stalker, I'm just a creep.

I'm in bed typing all this on my phone.  Falling asleep before 11 would be amazing.  Don't see it happening.

201430321

Lunch: half chicken, rice, salad, pebble

Chipped tooth.

Dinner: egg muffins, almond butter

Ran 4 mi

Snack: sweet potato, candy

Nightmares.  I miss my friends.  I'm lonely for friends, for a "crew".  I've alienated myself and been alienated both.  I'm not awake atm, just tapping phone keyboard buttons through blurred, teary eyes

These friends, I don't even have their numbers.  I need them.