kid:
breakfast: bowl of fruity cheerios
lunch: ham/cheese sandwich, pb crackers, avocado
snack: (small) bowl of fruity cheerios
dinner: bacon/cheese pizza, apple
me:
lunch: chicken, basically
snack: goji and raspberry chocolates
dinner: chicken poppers and cottage cheese
20150223
20150220
20150220
so, i gave up self loathing for lent.
work and school were cancelled, kiddo left out of here in the morning to the ex's.
lifted a bunch of weights today. 75 squats of various shapes and sizes, and now doing some upper body stuff.
and wow. and new toys..
spinning my wheels in the best way possible.
work and school were cancelled, kiddo left out of here in the morning to the ex's.
lifted a bunch of weights today. 75 squats of various shapes and sizes, and now doing some upper body stuff.
and wow. and new toys.
spinning my wheels in the best way possible.
20150219
20150217
20150217
the itch is back tonight and i've had very little sugar. i'm not even scared at this point. i look around at this mess than i was led into, this home that was picked for me, and i realize i'll die here. right here. and i'm resigned to it.
i wished for more -- don't we all -- but i'm a victim of myself. existentialism feeds on the terror of terrors, the despair of dread, and i've eaten my fill time and time again. my safe haven, this prison, is surrounded by fear and bordered by doubt.
co-dependence was merely an aperitif to this. i could write a song about it, here, right now, that would foment and crystalize the incredible aching of my soul, and i briefly considered it, but the prison walls have hardened against such outbursts.
my blurry vision has no tears tonight. it's just blurry vision, brought on by staring at screens and destroying my body.
i'm all dried up.
tonight, a total stranger extended a kindness to my daughter.
tonight, i couldn't hear a word a woman was saying, and my repeated answer to her was simply, no.
tonight, my daughter and i shared a laugh, mere days removed from a sickness her mother still has no clue about.
tonight, i mention something i've never mentioned before, again because of fear. such a simple thing, barely a syllable to its name. it's a part of me, as much a part of me as the body that hides its existence. a lump. and it will be my savior.
i lied. i'm not all dried up after all.
but for now, fuck it. i'm lifting.
i wished for more -- don't we all -- but i'm a victim of myself. existentialism feeds on the terror of terrors, the despair of dread, and i've eaten my fill time and time again. my safe haven, this prison, is surrounded by fear and bordered by doubt.
co-dependence was merely an aperitif to this. i could write a song about it, here, right now, that would foment and crystalize the incredible aching of my soul, and i briefly considered it, but the prison walls have hardened against such outbursts.
my blurry vision has no tears tonight. it's just blurry vision, brought on by staring at screens and destroying my body.
i'm all dried up.
tonight, a total stranger extended a kindness to my daughter.
tonight, i couldn't hear a word a woman was saying, and my repeated answer to her was simply, no.
tonight, my daughter and i shared a laugh, mere days removed from a sickness her mother still has no clue about.
tonight, i mention something i've never mentioned before, again because of fear. such a simple thing, barely a syllable to its name. it's a part of me, as much a part of me as the body that hides its existence. a lump. and it will be my savior.
i lied. i'm not all dried up after all.
but for now, fuck it. i'm lifting.
20150217
fuck the food diary. i'm up at 3:45 AM with a very deep heel itch on my left side that strikes every few minutes. looked this shit up and it's either diabetes or renal failure. guessing my sugar is out of whack. this is like someone itching the back of my heel from the inside and it is downright painful. all i want to do is go back to sleep.
20150216
20150216
lifted hard yesterday. snowed in with kiddo, both of us have mono.
gonna try and coffee up and fight through all of this and lift some more today... and hope that school is out tomorrow too.
lunch: two leftover fried chicken wings, cottage cheese, a few bites of chicken alfredo
gonna try and coffee up and fight through all of this and lift some more today... and hope that school is out tomorrow too.
lunch: two leftover fried chicken wings, cottage cheese, a few bites of chicken alfredo
20150209
20150209
rejected by thumper.
kiddo had a play date.
i just want a date. i want to start. it's time to start. wtf am i waiting for anyway. i'm not going to have some god body at this point, i'm almost 40, and who even gives a shit, i am me, that should be enough for the right person
kiddo had a play date.
i just want a date. i want to start. it's time to start. wtf am i waiting for anyway. i'm not going to have some god body at this point, i'm almost 40, and who even gives a shit, i am me, that should be enough for the right person
20150127
20150126
The idiot found a man. Another one down. I'm happy for her.
Crushing sadness. Defeated. Sleep.
20150124
20150124
things considered while running:
replace garmin
replace water bottle
update dating profile
kill myself
reconnect with lost friend
do something social this weekend
remember neighbors' names
things not accomplished after running:
replace garmin
replace water bottle
update dating profile
kill myself
reconnect with lost friend
do something social this weekend
remember neighbors' names
replace garmin
replace water bottle
update dating profile
kill myself
reconnect with lost friend
do something social this weekend
remember neighbors' names
things not accomplished after running:
replace garmin
replace water bottle
update dating profile
kill myself
reconnect with lost friend
do something social this weekend
remember neighbors' names
20150123
20150123
Is post-divorce agoraphobia a thing? I was always a bit of a homebody I guess, but now it's gotten severe. I have neglected even my online friends, quitting irc and ignoring guildies (yeah, wow is back). Can I force myself to do something out of character this weekend? Should I bother? I mean I'm like five years out and my "recovery" has essentially left me in a coma.
How many online whiners are wasting their time right alongside me tonight I wonder. I hope at least a few of them find solace.
My coworker has used "obviate" three times snide I said it earlier this week.
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