it's a nightmare premonition morning
family huddled over the phone to hear a voice say -- i think -- "help me". was it my mom?
every time i crawl into bed, the fear and worry hit me.
20150830
20150829
20150828
20150828
running isnt even working. i'm the benny goodman of mood swings.
there's nothing wrong with me.
things were done to me. but there's nothing wrong with me.
there's nothing wrong with me.
things were done to me. but there's nothing wrong with me.
20150824
20150824
Mom spent the day in the ER.
My brother spent the evening down there last night after we left, stressing her out and worrying the shit out of her... more shit about our dead nephew. He's not the boys parent, yet this has been his fucking thing since it happened.
I'm angry at him, more than anything. Angry at all of them, burdening my mother time and time again with their fucking problems. We're all a bunch of cowards with low self-esteem and agoraphobia, and she's been a crutch for us our whole lives. I love her, and I hope she makes it through this, but my siblings and I have done this to her.
He better not fucking call me tonight or he's getting an earful.
20150823
20150823
of all the door-to-door industries out there, how did door-to-door religion stand the test of time? i mean, if some dude came to my door with chocolate milk right now i'd do just about anything to complete that transaction, that's all i'm saying.
20150820
20150818
20150818
ok apparently i shouldn't have gone off on my coworker in a meeting.
regret and guilt are flooding in.
regret and guilt are flooding in.
20150817
20150817
taking branches out to street after mowing the front, neighborhood cunty mccuntersface #17 with her darling little cocker spaniel tells me (twice, as i had to take off my earbuds to hear her repeat it) that the garbage guys just came by today to take off the rubbish. yes, bitch, i know, i've lived here long enough to know when the goddamn sanitation crew swings by. now fuck off.
did i say this to her out loud? no, i said something polite.
taking a small break from yard work to bitch about this semi-publicly.
busybodies piss me right the fuck off.
did i say this to her out loud? no, i said something polite.
taking a small break from yard work to bitch about this semi-publicly.
busybodies piss me right the fuck off.
20150816
20150816
goddamnit, bojack horseman.
i am a coward.
hit me like a ton of bricks. complete lucidity.
all of it. it's fear. and i'm a coward.
i am a coward.
hit me like a ton of bricks. complete lucidity.
all of it. it's fear. and i'm a coward.
---
I'm sorry I ever drug anyone else along down this path. I don't think I'm ever gonna figure it out. I'm not it.
So just stop.
20150814
20150814
Unable to sleep. It's 1:30 am and I have "left to my own devices" by the pet shop boys in my head.
Tomorrow is not looking good.
Tomorrow is not looking good.
20150811
20150811
had to turn my head and cough twice today.
while a medical professional fondled me.
it's the most action i've had in years.
while a medical professional fondled me.
it's the most action i've had in years.
20150809
20150809
it's a sunday, what else is there to say?
we did the jesus thing.
instead of coming straight home for lunch, she suggested we ride bikes and then have lunch. she is one of the unerringly positive forces in my life.
we went four miles on her new bike. with hand brakes and shifters. i am so proud of her; if she keeps this up, we'll both be the better for it. had to convince/cajole her to ride the greenline but she enjoyed it in the end. she is me reborn in so many ways. poor thing.
she is playing the sims 3 on ps now and i'm playing witcher, which was just patched to fix a game-breaking bug i'd encountered.
---
i think porn has permanently reprogrammed my mind. i don't know how to approach a woman, don't know what is appropriate, don't know what i want, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it if i found it.
---
nfl starts tonight. gotta call insurance for my roof leak in the morning.
---
have been reading "last exit to brooklyn" by hubert selby. it's brutal, and raw, and real, and engaging. my eyes are failing me though. and i get random bites in my bed while reading. planning on cleaning off my bed and washing my linens this week.
---
i guess there was a lot to say.
we did the jesus thing.
instead of coming straight home for lunch, she suggested we ride bikes and then have lunch. she is one of the unerringly positive forces in my life.
we went four miles on her new bike. with hand brakes and shifters. i am so proud of her; if she keeps this up, we'll both be the better for it. had to convince/cajole her to ride the greenline but she enjoyed it in the end. she is me reborn in so many ways. poor thing.
she is playing the sims 3 on ps now and i'm playing witcher, which was just patched to fix a game-breaking bug i'd encountered.
---
i think porn has permanently reprogrammed my mind. i don't know how to approach a woman, don't know what is appropriate, don't know what i want, and probably wouldn't know what to do with it if i found it.
---
nfl starts tonight. gotta call insurance for my roof leak in the morning.
---
have been reading "last exit to brooklyn" by hubert selby. it's brutal, and raw, and real, and engaging. my eyes are failing me though. and i get random bites in my bed while reading. planning on cleaning off my bed and washing my linens this week.
---
i guess there was a lot to say.
20150808
20150808
kiddo continues to amaze.
am i going to be one of those single ppl who lives through their child? am i already there?
i want to be me again. in addition to someone's dad.
but bowling was fun.
girlfriend, plocks.
am i going to be one of those single ppl who lives through their child? am i already there?
i want to be me again. in addition to someone's dad.
but bowling was fun.
girlfriend, plocks.
20150804
20150804
america is officially an orwellian dystopia come to life.
anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of public opinion.
even, perhaps especially, if you uttered it years or decades ago.
if i had the means, i'd leave.
anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of public opinion.
even, perhaps especially, if you uttered it years or decades ago.
if i had the means, i'd leave.
20150803
20150803
watched "heaven adores you" tonight and cried multiple times, just like i knew i would.
the guitar is out again for the first time in awhile, and chords are coming, but seriously what's the point?
i'm sitting here hoarding somewhat passable music, like a dragon collecting mismatched socks.
until i play a song live, in front of people, which i may never do, i don't see what i'm doing here.
the guitar is out again for the first time in awhile, and chords are coming, but seriously what's the point?
i'm sitting here hoarding somewhat passable music, like a dragon collecting mismatched socks.
until i play a song live, in front of people, which i may never do, i don't see what i'm doing here.
20150803
life is so fucking cruel.
must i watch all my heroes die?
and then myself? the march walks all over me.
---
aaaaaand my new dryer broke.
must i watch all my heroes die?
and then myself? the march walks all over me.
---
aaaaaand my new dryer broke.
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