20151031

Turns out life is just one big misunderstanding.

20151030

self-destructive lately. a whole week of it has been not very fun for me or anyone around me.

balancing the facade of religion, the immeasurable pull of a fractious family, and the complete isolation disconnected severed fucking limb of random acquaintances in a social setting.

20151023

Yesterday's damage (if we're being honest):

Chicken strips and cottage cheese

Bologna sandwich, carrots, vitamin water

12 wings from wing stop, Veggie sticks, fries, and ranch

Two bowls of cereal

Ice cream and peanut butter

20151022

20151021-2

napped. didn't go to a show i bought a ticket for. fuckit.

it's gotten worse. how in the world did it get worse. bought fucking cologne. why. might as well attract the flies.

Every day it just goes faster and faster.  To what end.

20151021

The transition in a girl's eyes after she's finally lost interest in you after you not responding to her clear signals is more heartwrenching than a thousand tragedies.  And yet I've seen it multiple times.  And it's my fault.

20151019-2

Did not exercise.  Now in bed.  Depression coming through in waves.  

At least I'm getting tired now.  Fuck it.

20151019

been awhile. still good. i won't ever re-read the dark tower series, but it'll always be a part of me.

20151017

Today (in order of appearance):

Awoke, fed dog, let dog out, made coffee

Started cleaning kitchen, ended up removing windows from kitchen for deep cleaning, hosed down blinds, showed kiddo garden spider, mopped floor, did dishes, started laundry (two loads)

Kiddo played dragon quest

Former in-laws showed up to pick her up, they dropped off a silly old toy stroller and my former bedroom mirror which took me five years to get back (requested)

Started watching my alma mater begin to lose to the local shithead football team

Decided to go trail running instead of watching it

Came back, checked the score, decided my run was a great decision

Ate some lunch

Continued to clean things randomly, including the rug, the chair, vacuuming, etc

Played some more dragon quest

Made a toasted sandwich for dinner

Did some more laundry

Played some more dragon quest

And now I am watching Breakfast Club, realizing I've watched it censored countless times but never uncensored.  I'd actually like a censored version so my kiddo could watch it with me.  :/

20151016

dog messes served as my wake up call this morning. then my water spilled. forgot to get my child's drink as well. this is not how a friday is supposed to start.

think i'm going running for lunch.

20151015

ok no. the world is not conspiring against me.

i go to restaurants for lunch and waiters just give me free pie.

my kid wins a volleyball game and we go to tcby.

etc etc.

these are conscious choices i make.

i will fight this. and win.

damnit.

---

the ex's parents are here to help her move out of stbx2's house and get a car. talked to former father-in-law for a good while. poor guy. knows his daughter is a fuckup.

---

off to lift a little weight and listen to NiN on my headphones.

20151013

I knocked a couple of times, but found the door closed.  Probably for the best.

20151011-2

There are naps and then there are naps.  That was the latter.

20151011

School function for kiddo.  Tired, hair's a mess, knew it wouldn't go well, and it didn't.  Too many moms talking to me, at me, through me.  No place to hide, nowhere to run.  Cold and awkward, I couldn't eject fast enough.  It's moments like this when suicide pulls at me the most.  When social inanity and enmity converge in a perfect storm of self loathing.  Maybe I just needed a nap or a haircut to avoid this.  

I'll take a nap now.  

This is more than fear.  

20151010

Having lunch by myself, as my child managed to convince me she should get ice cream with a friend after her soccer game.

Ran early this morning.  It was nice.  Some thoughts after my morning run:

Carrying a plastic bag on your dog walk does not preclude you from cleaning up after him when he poops right in front of you.

A front yard at a garage sale does not a changing room make.

Bitchface wants me to take her Yorkie so she can buy a big dog to protect her in her new apartment.  Ignored.

No idea what I'm doing this afternoon.

This lady sitting next to me is talking these two guys' poor heads off.  I'm not sure she's taken a breath yet, in about 30 minutes.  

20151009

my old friend and coworker is going to press me to refinance.

we had a really good day at work.

the super sub shop we went to is excellent.

the counselor girl who has a crush on me in my kids after care was not working today, so i was able to pick my kid up without incident.

intended on going to a free concert tonight, but it rained. napped instead. fair trade.

up now and no idea what i should do. maybe nothing.

20151008

full disclosure of the war against fear: forcing myself to pee at the urinal. baby steps.

20151007-2

Sitting here full of regret that I didn't go to Foo Fighters.  Asked the kid and she said "who?"  And they had tickets left.

Now I'm sitting here in my workout room realizing how much I've fucking sacrificed on the altar of dad and how I've replaced who I hid behind during my marriage to whom I hide behind now.

What the hell, it's only a fucking music concert.

20151006

ok.

lately, i've been having some troubles connecting the dots mentally.

people asking me questions and having no answer. simple things, like, "who is your doctor" or "who is your team playing this weekend" or other somewhat mundane topics.

i realize that my mind or brain has been foggy for an indeterminate amount of time. i'm not sure when or how this started, nor am i sure of the cause.

tied to this realization is the fact that i have stopped writing songs, or writing in general. expressing myself has come so easily in the past that the inability to do it feels crippling and awkward.

so this entry is me trying to fight against this fog in my mind; trying to break through the mental wall that stands before me.

i don't feel like i'd be able to carry on a normal conversation with a person at this point. indeed, i sat next to some other parents tonight and was unable to answer simple questions or even make smalltalk.

of course, smalltalk has never really interested me; for most of those people, it's the world they live in.

i was having severe, uneasy mindaches after her game last night. these are not normal headaches, they're like a tension thing where i'm unable to pinpoint the source. and they're excruciating.

this post doesn't really have a rudder. i would like to write something poignant just to prove i can still open my mind's eye, but i can't seem to find the well.. or maybe it's dry.

anyway, it's midnight, i'm going to try and force something out anyway.

---

the clever paradigms found under mind
unwittingly purchased on borrowed time
the seed unseated whirls the dervish unkind
a death retweeted from a service unsigned

recalled to the latest brinkmanships
to fall on a lady's winks and quips
a stall on the climb, the clever eclipse
the wall and weather will never outstrip

a feeling of silence reflecting back
to a dealing of violence, so clever this knack
for skirting the danger of seeming attack
disinterested suitors who wish to turn back

the clock lacks sleep, and empathy too
while staring away at the person we knew
unable to follow the simplest cues
forever for never so clever so soon

---

better than nothing i suppose. maybe i can sleep now.

i really wanted to use 'digderidoo' in the last stanza. it rhymes well with "empathy too".

i listened to a 10 hour didgeridoo thing on youtube while composing this. i also irc'ed.

bought disgaea 5 for ps4 and it showed up tonight. kiddo won her volleyball game.

it wasn't an altogether horrible day. stay positive, p.

20151003

parties/sleepovers/etc all went well.

even did a 5k today.

made a decision out of fear afterwards though. can't win em all.

---

i am sorry, you know. one day i'll stop apologizing, i know it's grating. anyway... is this better in the long run?