20161231

1992 was a great year. this is one of my favorite songs from that year, and also, one of my favorites, well, ever.

the pre-chorus arpeggiated singdown still gives me chills every time.



also the a cappella breakdown. almost brought me to tears. i love music that can pull emotion out of me. maybe i'm gay. i certainly have a woman's taste in music. in some ways, at least.

2016? maybe not a great year. is age just a number? who can say.

i still look good, at least my face. but i'm a museum piece. untouched and untouchable.

will someone dust me off and take me off display this year?

20161222

got my birthday burrito, two days late. carne asada, ate it on the drive home.

it was just fine.

did up the crockpot with some ground bison soup, took a nap and now i'm watching charlie brown christmas and brimming with tears.

my kid is not going to be with me for christmas this year, so a bit of a dry run.

my sister got me some pike place roast for my birthday and it just straight up lit my ass up. i've been on the coffee teet for months, but apparently i wasn't prepared for a "medium" roast.

how did i go from a linus childhood to a charlie brown adulthood?

:(

20161218

good lord i'm about to be 40. ain't that a bitch

20161027

it is kinda depressing when i hear a musician who manages to capture, crystalize, and encapsulate the emotion of pain better than me.

it's amazing and uplifting and wonderful to hear, mind you. maybe the catalyst of pain is simply delivered better by a female voice than a man.



simply jaw-droppingly beautiful. haunting.

20160811

kiddo's back in school. today's loves: chicken wings and basslines.

20160719

everything in cycles. still gives me goosebumps.

20160712

self realization: i may have a bit of an addictive or obsessive personality.
case in point: over the years, i have a sauron-like gaze with certain artists.

the listing below: the approximate age when each artist first "spoke" to me.
(as best as I can recall)

age	band(s)
11	samantha fox, george michael, tears for fears
12	ac/dc, machine head
13	guns n' roses
14	soundgarden
15	jeff buckley
16	pantera, stone temple pilots
17	monk, coltrane
18	testament
19	311, ice cube, d.o.c.
20	led zeppelin, megadeth
21	tool, manson, nine inch nails
22	bjork, stevie wonder
23	black sabbath
24	weezer
25	fiona apple
26	beatles
28	old metallica, slayer
30	strapping young lad, opeth
31	rollins band
32	burzum, immortal
33	drudkh
34	elliott smith
36	vektor
38	pink floyd

obviously, these are my favorite musicians.

my current obsession is the smiths. not sure if they'll make the cut.

20160711

just fantastic, from start to finish.

20160608

Heaven sent the promised land, Looks alright from where I stand
'Cause I'm the man on the outside looking in

Waiting on the first step, Show where the key is kept
Point me down the right line because it's time

To let me in from the cold, Turn my lead into gold
'Cause there's chill wind blowing in my soul
And I think I'm growing old

20160604

what am i doing today? so far, not much, other than coffee and ps4. although i did run a 5k last night, and did really well pace-wise.

am i on the upswing? who knows. life is a treadmill, but the speed is not under your control.

20160529

if i watch it every day, will it work

20160526

ran a 4 miler in the pouring rain today.

saw the past run by. and her boyfriend straggling behind. i outran both of them.

fearlessly, the idiot faces the crowd, smiling.

20160521

i've isolated myself so much that i'm almost 40, and have very few true friends, or even people who know anything about me more than my name.

it's a bizarre thing, to have turned into such a non-entity.

i'm trying really hard not to let it get it to me.

i've been on a ridiculous floyd kick lately.

went from "wish you were here" back through echoes and pompeii and even the older, psychedelic stuff and am currently obsessed with animals.

what a fantastic album, start to finish.

20160509

Intentionally left blank

20160502

grief is love that has no home.

20160409

current melodramatic, narcissistic first world maladies
- preoccupation with mortality
- prolonged absence of intimacy
- zero focus, zero goals
- mounting living condition demands
- dead musician hero worship
- lack of happiness, enjoyment, or fulfillment

insanity. was it inevitable? is it here? no one's getting off this ride alive anyway, but i have been so close so many times to pulling it together.

all this time, i thought i was the problem. and when i wasn't the problem, other people were the problem. but the secret is simple. there is no problem.

people are exactly who they are, and you are exactly who you are in this exact moment. and there is no escape from that, other than to walk away.

i wonder if the drugs i took earlier in life did this to me. i don't seem to be as bad as my brother. but i'm still well and truly gone.

this wasn't the case years ago: did age rend the varnish of hope?

the loneliness is soul crushing. i have no one. i don't even care about the pull of sex. i just want a goddamn hand to hold. is that too much to ask.

i out think EVERYTHING. and end up with NOTHING.

i don't even have the luxury of being a crazy diamond.

20160221

ready for this weekend to be over which it almost is

bubble tea (chai)
three burger patties and hot wings, tomatoes, nacho cheese
one small piece of cake
more hot wings
feels like i ate more than that today, maybe not. i could've sworn i had thousands of calories, feel bloated as fuck

20160212

more tea
burrito bowl and hash browns
palak paneer and cottage cheese
(probably a protein shake later)

20160211

Breakfast: hot tea

Lunch: liver and onions, broccoli, squash casserole

Dinner: chicken salad

Later: protein shake

No workout, day two. Skipped vball, skipped everything.

20160209

reminded kiddo on the way out the door to make sure she grabbed her binder.

told her

"I AM NOT YOUR TRAPPER'S KEEPER"

20160207

kiddo didnt want to wait for dinner. i told her too bad. she went to the oven and turned on the light to see how done it was.

except it was covered in aluminum foil. so i said

"LOOKS LIKE I FOILED YOUR PLANS"

#dadjoke

20160205

lunch: mahi mahi, rice and sweet potato slices
dinner: two beef pinwheels
dinner #2: scrambled eggs (5)

have been lifting and running on and off for about two months and feel like i've made a little headway. keeping my protein high and adding in the metrx mrp has helped i think.

just finished off a shitload of eggs, i guess today is a rest day, will hopefully be up and early for a day of lifting and cardio.

REFUSE TO LOSE.

my comeback album has yet to be published.

20160131

not every night, but many nights, my dreams just before i wake up -- you know, the one you remember -- will feature a rejection by a woman. this morning, it was the girl from the restaurant that i now avoid.

my inability to choose my own fate coupled with these self-fulfilling prophecy dreams has turned me into a prisoner of my own prison.

these dreams are the ultimate kick in the dick to me, and i can't make them stop.

20160107

yep, back on the positive swing. manic-depression is fun! i have decided to love myself.

we'll see how we feel tomorrow. :)