current melodramatic, narcissistic first world maladies
- preoccupation with mortality
- prolonged absence of intimacy
- zero focus, zero goals
- mounting living condition demands
- dead musician hero worship
- lack of happiness, enjoyment, or fulfillment
insanity. was it inevitable? is it here? no one's getting off this ride alive anyway, but i have been so close so many times to pulling it together.
all this time, i thought i was the problem. and when i wasn't the problem, other people were the problem. but the secret is simple. there is no problem.
people are exactly who they are, and you are exactly who you are in this exact moment. and there is no escape from that, other than to walk away.
i wonder if the drugs i took earlier in life did this to me. i don't seem to be as bad as my brother. but i'm still well and truly gone.
this wasn't the case years ago: did age rend the varnish of hope?
the loneliness is soul crushing. i have no one. i don't even care about the pull of sex. i just want a goddamn hand to hold. is that too much to ask.
i out think EVERYTHING. and end up with NOTHING.
i don't even have the luxury of being a crazy diamond.
