Today the winds have changed
Comfort is their discomfort
Paved emotions ready for trampling
A cycle of reluctance
outthink the silence?
I think not.
20101124
20101124-2
You'll never understand
A profound genius
That's what they say
And they were right
Those progressions you chose
Pull me in every time
But why did you go and do
What you felt you needed to
For what you've taught me
Is to admire from afar
But keep my distance
To know you through and through
Is to say goodbye
Who of us is ready for that
Only you
A profound genius
That's what they say
And they were right
Those progressions you chose
Pull me in every time
But why did you go and do
What you felt you needed to
For what you've taught me
Is to admire from afar
But keep my distance
To know you through and through
Is to say goodbye
Who of us is ready for that
Only you
20101124
Standard issue asshole
Winning on your imaginary scoreboard
Who needs nice when you're always right
Sweet nothings from a kindred spirit
Ignored for another quip and retort
Live your life on unreturned insults
Your volume knob broken since birth
An open invitation to your party
Quote scripture like you wrote it
Plague the gym like you own it
Pulled one over on the world
Another standard issue asshole
Winning on your imaginary scoreboard
Who needs nice when you're always right
Sweet nothings from a kindred spirit
Ignored for another quip and retort
Live your life on unreturned insults
Your volume knob broken since birth
An open invitation to your party
Quote scripture like you wrote it
Plague the gym like you own it
Pulled one over on the world
Another standard issue asshole
20101122
20101122
I am so tired of it all
There are no horizons left to see
Only the wind will remember my name
Tried and failed, a fat kid after all
I never let them win
I never let them in
And ah the question they'll ask
Who is to blame
Mostly her and mostly me
And mostly this world I no longer wish to see
I am worth less than nothing
Given to thoughts greater than deserved
Only my child keeps me alive
And every day she dies a little
Every day she turns into her
Another woman who will abuse me
Free me, for I cannot free myself
She is only biding her time
And so am I
A bundle of promises and potential
I'll never live up to it
And you know what
No one cares :(
There are no horizons left to see
Only the wind will remember my name
Tried and failed, a fat kid after all
I never let them win
I never let them in
And ah the question they'll ask
Who is to blame
Mostly her and mostly me
And mostly this world I no longer wish to see
I am worth less than nothing
Given to thoughts greater than deserved
Only my child keeps me alive
And every day she dies a little
Every day she turns into her
Another woman who will abuse me
Free me, for I cannot free myself
She is only biding her time
And so am I
A bundle of promises and potential
I'll never live up to it
And you know what
No one cares :(
20101116
20101116
you were there at the beginning of it all
watching and waiting and hoping for the best
weighing and measuring
you were there for the first cautious steps
walking alongside and hoping for the best
counseling and mending
you were there for the ceremony
insisting on togetherness and hoping for the best
caressing and enticing
you were there for the full circle
demanding nothing, providing everything and hoping for the best
perfecting and coping
you were there for the end
knowing the worst and hoping for the best
accepting and reconciling
goodbye old friend
it's time to step away from the mirror
watching and waiting and hoping for the best
weighing and measuring
you were there for the first cautious steps
walking alongside and hoping for the best
counseling and mending
you were there for the ceremony
insisting on togetherness and hoping for the best
caressing and enticing
you were there for the full circle
demanding nothing, providing everything and hoping for the best
perfecting and coping
you were there for the end
knowing the worst and hoping for the best
accepting and reconciling
goodbye old friend
it's time to step away from the mirror
20101113
20101113
cornered, the prey works on instinct
but the moment of truth never arrives
a pauper and pawn for the amusement of friends
with benefits going to the charity of their choosing
a game of sorts, for fools and thinkers
but a heart is at stake
each message sent and received with loving care
and careless love receives no message unsent
such an incredulous notion, this respect and trust
in a doubt-ridden fen of contrary evidence
a game of sport, for actors and actresses
but a heart is at stake
again we circle around the precipice
locked in stares that never meet
eye to eye in perpetual asides
wielding secrets like weapons
a game to court, for calls and messages
but a heart is at stake
but the moment of truth never arrives
a pauper and pawn for the amusement of friends
with benefits going to the charity of their choosing
a game of sorts, for fools and thinkers
but a heart is at stake
each message sent and received with loving care
and careless love receives no message unsent
such an incredulous notion, this respect and trust
in a doubt-ridden fen of contrary evidence
a game of sport, for actors and actresses
but a heart is at stake
again we circle around the precipice
locked in stares that never meet
eye to eye in perpetual asides
wielding secrets like weapons
a game to court, for calls and messages
but a heart is at stake
20101101
20101101
20101101
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness." Micah 7:8-9
"Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the LORD's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness." Micah 7:8-9
20101001
20101001
She wouldn't really hug me this morning. It was so painful. I just turned around and went back to bed.
Today is m's birthday party. To have to deal with this on what should be an amazingly happy occasion for my daughter is killing me inside. I don't know how I'm going to do this tonight. I will soldier on, somehow. Again I place my trust and hope in God to see me through these dark times.
God, help me to know the right things to say and do. Help her to see the error of her ways, help her to rededicate herself to us, help her to fall in love with me again. This is such an emotional rollercoaster. And I still want her to stay, no matter how many facts I have to face. I still love her. I still want her next to me and near me.
She is very tired she says. Just the thing a girl's game night will fix, right?
I wonder if she's just flat out losing it.
I have rehearsed our conversation a million times in my head. But what will I do when I ask her that first question:
1) Do you want to be married to me?
and she answers "no". I want that answer to be "yes" so bad I can't even stand it. Am I just delusional? Whatever happened with c happened, she can't deny it. If she does say "yes", I need to be STRONG. I need to lay down some ground rules for our future.
but if she answers "no"..
2) Do you want an active role in your daughter's life?
and she answers ...
What do I do then?
HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!!
Today is m's birthday party. To have to deal with this on what should be an amazingly happy occasion for my daughter is killing me inside. I don't know how I'm going to do this tonight. I will soldier on, somehow. Again I place my trust and hope in God to see me through these dark times.
God, help me to know the right things to say and do. Help her to see the error of her ways, help her to rededicate herself to us, help her to fall in love with me again. This is such an emotional rollercoaster. And I still want her to stay, no matter how many facts I have to face. I still love her. I still want her next to me and near me.
She is very tired she says. Just the thing a girl's game night will fix, right?
I wonder if she's just flat out losing it.
I have rehearsed our conversation a million times in my head. But what will I do when I ask her that first question:
1) Do you want to be married to me?
and she answers "no". I want that answer to be "yes" so bad I can't even stand it. Am I just delusional? Whatever happened with c happened, she can't deny it. If she does say "yes", I need to be STRONG. I need to lay down some ground rules for our future.
but if she answers "no"..
2) Do you want an active role in your daughter's life?
and she answers ...
What do I do then?
HELP ME MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!!
20100930
20100930
Well, I honestly don't know how it got to this point, but I am in real danger of losing a. Things have been brewing under the surface for a few weeks, after a said she would leave if things did not improve with her and m. I agreed to go see the counselor on the premise that we would work to strengthen the relationship between them.
Well, I happened to see a phone bill and noticed that a was texting a lot and talking a lot with c. And I just kinda lost it. I took Tuesday off to go down and talk things over with my parents, and cry a bit, because I have not been able to confide in anyone really, outside the random friends I have online.
The next morning, I mistakenly confronted a about c at 6AM, as she was trying to get ready for work. I had not slept well (in fact, I have not slept well all week, and my stomach is completely wrecked), and it just bubbled over into this. It woke m up, and it ended up pretty much ruining a's day at work. To make matters worse, I sent her the following email that morning
---
From: p
Date: Wed, Sep 29, 2010 at 7:39 AM
Subject: My love
To: a
a,
I want you to know some things.
When I put your hands in mine and put the ring on your finger, I committed my life to making you happy. Simple as that. I have supported you through so many changes and transitions over the years, that I believe I can share some insights that you should think on.
You have tried many things over the years, rollerblading, softball, scrapping, fitness, smoking, etc. We have traveled. You've been through career changes. We've been in 6-7 different residences in 9 years. You wanted four kids when we got married, we ended up with one amazing, beautiful, gifted child.
Through it all, my other role has been to provide stability, and I think I have accomplished that goal.
I still want to make you happy.. your smile is my salvation. Do you think another place, another relationship, or solitude will make you happy?
You have told me that all these things have not made you happy, not even m, and that you believe you have a problem.. and if you leave, it will not be because of me, or even because of your issues with m, but because of you. Well, I have fought this reasoning, in spite of myself. Now I am forced to believe you.
This morning, when I spoke to you about these things, I think it was obvious that it had bubbled over and I was trying to get all this off my chest, and you were absolutely right, it was bad timing. I handle stress differently than you.. you carry your stress outward, lack of sleep, etc. Mine heads inward, and tears me up from within.
You have your counselor, and a support net of family and friends, including c apparently. I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone until yesterday, when I broke and spent a few hours talking with my parents.
I do *not* want you to go, but if it is your decision to walk out and leave us for greener pastures, then do what you will and cast your lot. Because of the way I handle stress, I cannot handle "I might leave". But think long and hard about it, because this is a decision unlike your transitory moves. I don't know if I will survive losing you, but I know I can't lose you twice.
I love you and remain devoted to us. Now and forever.
-p
---
This apparently had the opposite effect from what I was intending. She ended up bawling at work, and I didn't see her until almost m bedtime. She came home and wrote me a little note saying she had been and gone, and would be taking an Ambien to sleep. I found out later that she went over to her friend's house.
I guess I wanted to call her bluff, and really make her choose, hoping that she would see how much she has vested in this relationship, and choose m and me over herself. She has been increasingly selfish over the past few weeks as far as her time. I am essentially already doing everything for m, and a is going to the gym and tanning and going all these other places rather than spending time with her daughter/me. But none of that matters. I don't want to lose her. Typing it makes me realize that I am still very much in love with her, either that or it's been so long that I'm simply dependant on her, I don't know.
Yesterday afternoon she gave me the "Yes I love you, I just don't know if I'm in love with you anymore" line. So as I'm typing this, the first result from Google is http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/qt/notinlove.htm wherein it says this is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. She assured me that she was just friends with c, but I feel like she's either not telling me the whole truth or, like the article says, is going through a midlife crisis.
Yesterday, as we waited for a to come home, I pulled m over to me on the couch, and cried in her arms. I have never done this and I think it scared her a little. She asked me if adults cried, and I replied yes when they are very sad. I don't have any idea how I'm going to handle m by myself, I know I have family but it's different, day-to-day it really will just be me and her against the world.
I guess I need to steel myself for the future, whatever comes to pass. Money will be a definite issue. Mom and dad say I can just walk away from this house, although I'm not sure how viable that really is. I will need to get serious about looking after money going forward, as I want to keep m in private school at all costs, and I want to make sure we're both eating right.
Things to cut from the budget:
Gym membership (I should have cut this months ago when a switched)
Netflix membership
Showtime and/or Cable entirely
I'm sure there are other things I'll find as I start digging more into the finances, but those three are easily $100+/mo right off the top.
The time is now 6:33AM, and I have been up for a half hour. I have been woozy for a couple of days because of the stress of all this, and I have eaten practically nothing. I managed to somehow gnaw my way through a piece of toast this morning, but if this continues I'm going to get an ulcer or something.
I hate that this has come to a head literally days before her first big birthday party. She turns six, and we're having her entire class over at _. It's an expensive party for sure, but we felt like she needed a good one. I just hope it's not a send off for her mommy. My God I don't know how we got here.. I woke up so much last night that I ended up just saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers to get back to sleep. I don't know what I want God to do in this situation for me, but I want Him to know... that I know he's there, more acutely than ever, and maybe more than a happy ending, I just want the strength to endure the hardships that lie ahead.
I cannot afford to have my job situation suffer because of this. I cannot allow my body to go any further up the scale because of this.
I talked to her dad on the phone for about 45 minutes yesterday. I wanted to talk to them because I am a member of their family as well, and I felt they needed to know well in advance of any bombshells.
a got someone to cover her first class this morning, since the Ambien is still making her really shaky. I'm supposed to wake her up by about 7. f is sitting her whining, ready to go out, so I should probably put on some clothes and take care of him.
Who's going to take care of me?
Well, I happened to see a phone bill and noticed that a was texting a lot and talking a lot with c. And I just kinda lost it. I took Tuesday off to go down and talk things over with my parents, and cry a bit, because I have not been able to confide in anyone really, outside the random friends I have online.
The next morning, I mistakenly confronted a about c at 6AM, as she was trying to get ready for work. I had not slept well (in fact, I have not slept well all week, and my stomach is completely wrecked), and it just bubbled over into this. It woke m up, and it ended up pretty much ruining a's day at work. To make matters worse, I sent her the following email that morning
---
From: p
Date: Wed, Sep 29, 2010 at 7:39 AM
Subject: My love
To: a
a,
I want you to know some things.
When I put your hands in mine and put the ring on your finger, I committed my life to making you happy. Simple as that. I have supported you through so many changes and transitions over the years, that I believe I can share some insights that you should think on.
You have tried many things over the years, rollerblading, softball, scrapping, fitness, smoking, etc. We have traveled. You've been through career changes. We've been in 6-7 different residences in 9 years. You wanted four kids when we got married, we ended up with one amazing, beautiful, gifted child.
Through it all, my other role has been to provide stability, and I think I have accomplished that goal.
I still want to make you happy.. your smile is my salvation. Do you think another place, another relationship, or solitude will make you happy?
You have told me that all these things have not made you happy, not even m, and that you believe you have a problem.. and if you leave, it will not be because of me, or even because of your issues with m, but because of you. Well, I have fought this reasoning, in spite of myself. Now I am forced to believe you.
This morning, when I spoke to you about these things, I think it was obvious that it had bubbled over and I was trying to get all this off my chest, and you were absolutely right, it was bad timing. I handle stress differently than you.. you carry your stress outward, lack of sleep, etc. Mine heads inward, and tears me up from within.
You have your counselor, and a support net of family and friends, including c apparently. I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone until yesterday, when I broke and spent a few hours talking with my parents.
I do *not* want you to go, but if it is your decision to walk out and leave us for greener pastures, then do what you will and cast your lot. Because of the way I handle stress, I cannot handle "I might leave". But think long and hard about it, because this is a decision unlike your transitory moves. I don't know if I will survive losing you, but I know I can't lose you twice.
I love you and remain devoted to us. Now and forever.
-p
---
This apparently had the opposite effect from what I was intending. She ended up bawling at work, and I didn't see her until almost m bedtime. She came home and wrote me a little note saying she had been and gone, and would be taking an Ambien to sleep. I found out later that she went over to her friend's house.
I guess I wanted to call her bluff, and really make her choose, hoping that she would see how much she has vested in this relationship, and choose m and me over herself. She has been increasingly selfish over the past few weeks as far as her time. I am essentially already doing everything for m, and a is going to the gym and tanning and going all these other places rather than spending time with her daughter/me. But none of that matters. I don't want to lose her. Typing it makes me realize that I am still very much in love with her, either that or it's been so long that I'm simply dependant on her, I don't know.
Yesterday afternoon she gave me the "Yes I love you, I just don't know if I'm in love with you anymore" line. So as I'm typing this, the first result from Google is http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/qt/notinlove.htm wherein it says this is one of the most consistent things a cheating spouse will say. She assured me that she was just friends with c, but I feel like she's either not telling me the whole truth or, like the article says, is going through a midlife crisis.
Yesterday, as we waited for a to come home, I pulled m over to me on the couch, and cried in her arms. I have never done this and I think it scared her a little. She asked me if adults cried, and I replied yes when they are very sad. I don't have any idea how I'm going to handle m by myself, I know I have family but it's different, day-to-day it really will just be me and her against the world.
I guess I need to steel myself for the future, whatever comes to pass. Money will be a definite issue. Mom and dad say I can just walk away from this house, although I'm not sure how viable that really is. I will need to get serious about looking after money going forward, as I want to keep m in private school at all costs, and I want to make sure we're both eating right.
Things to cut from the budget:
Gym membership (I should have cut this months ago when a switched)
Netflix membership
Showtime and/or Cable entirely
I'm sure there are other things I'll find as I start digging more into the finances, but those three are easily $100+/mo right off the top.
The time is now 6:33AM, and I have been up for a half hour. I have been woozy for a couple of days because of the stress of all this, and I have eaten practically nothing. I managed to somehow gnaw my way through a piece of toast this morning, but if this continues I'm going to get an ulcer or something.
I hate that this has come to a head literally days before her first big birthday party. She turns six, and we're having her entire class over at _. It's an expensive party for sure, but we felt like she needed a good one. I just hope it's not a send off for her mommy. My God I don't know how we got here.. I woke up so much last night that I ended up just saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers to get back to sleep. I don't know what I want God to do in this situation for me, but I want Him to know... that I know he's there, more acutely than ever, and maybe more than a happy ending, I just want the strength to endure the hardships that lie ahead.
I cannot afford to have my job situation suffer because of this. I cannot allow my body to go any further up the scale because of this.
I talked to her dad on the phone for about 45 minutes yesterday. I wanted to talk to them because I am a member of their family as well, and I felt they needed to know well in advance of any bombshells.
a got someone to cover her first class this morning, since the Ambien is still making her really shaky. I'm supposed to wake her up by about 7. f is sitting her whining, ready to go out, so I should probably put on some clothes and take care of him.
Who's going to take care of me?
20071202
20071202
20071202
meal 1: oatmeal with banana (250 cal)
meal 2: grilled cheese sandwich (350 cal)
meal 3: tuna and brown rice (500 cal)
meal 4: beef ravioli (500 cal)
meal 5: newcastle at silky's, some dessert thing shared at the stevie wonder concert (300 cal)
calories: 1900+
went to the park with mad. played with mad. did all sorts of stuff with mad. ashly got on facebook.
in her defense, she feels crappy. but she wouldn't be doing anything with maddie regardless. she even managed to throw it back in *my* face, saying i was
putting up "gender walls" or something, because i told mad playing with dollhouses is a girl activity and she should ask her mom. so i tried to involve ashly, and
for my trouble i'm some sort of chauvinist. great.
meal 1: oatmeal with banana (250 cal)
meal 2: grilled cheese sandwich (350 cal)
meal 3: tuna and brown rice (500 cal)
meal 4: beef ravioli (500 cal)
meal 5: newcastle at silky's, some dessert thing shared at the stevie wonder concert (300 cal)
calories: 1900+
went to the park with mad. played with mad. did all sorts of stuff with mad. ashly got on facebook.
in her defense, she feels crappy. but she wouldn't be doing anything with maddie regardless. she even managed to throw it back in *my* face, saying i was
putting up "gender walls" or something, because i told mad playing with dollhouses is a girl activity and she should ask her mom. so i tried to involve ashly, and
for my trouble i'm some sort of chauvinist. great.
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