20110516

so i'm sitting here thinking about what i want to write about, as i so rarely do, and decided to jump off the existential cliff.. one of the worst things about this medium is how it was built around accessibility and not creativity.

in its simplest terms, if you take a piece of paper and begin to write on it with pencil or pen, your character, intent, mood, whatever, can usually be surmised easily, simply by a quick at your handwriting. structure, form, spacing, organization.. these aesthetic qualities are quite difficult to reproduce or convey effectively without an analog format for expression. all i have in front of me is a white rectangle with a monotype black font. sure, i could work within the bounds here and produce something different with fonts or colors or what have you, or i could just take a picture of a journal page, but all tactile intent is lost as well as scale.

i have produced months, years really, of these emotionless diatribes for mass consumption, utilizing an inhuman caricature designed, ironically, to make it easier for us all to communicate. it's the equivalent of chopping off the highs and lows from an audio recording. dynamics are lost in translation and all you have is a puddle of midrange mud. perhaps that's why i love songwriting so much. my vocals, unrefined as they can be, and guitar, on the sloppiest day, can convey more loss and hope in five to ten seconds than in a months worth of these silly posts. honestly, the internet is the antithesis of pure communication, it is a muted amalgamation completely forgoing some of our basic senses, and the more we cling to it, the less we appreciate and understand the neglect happening behind and around us.

maybe if you could feel the smudge of a tear on one of my poems, maybe if the smell of rain on one of my hopeless afternoon drives home could hit you the way it hits me, maybe if you were standing over my shoulder right now, as i write this at my desk of my repetitious existence, all of this would mean more. or maybe not.

20110515

now playing: Elliott Smith - Unreleased - Sorry My Mistake [256kbps|2:26]

Dream: a lease of hawks (eagles?) is roosting above my home in some massive, gnarled tree, when one of them is swarmed and attacked by the smaller birds circling around, and it falls to the ground. I see this happen and yell towards a friend (family?), who joins me. The other hawks, well oversized i'm noticing now, swoop down and surround the injured bird, and they begin to march with her, all on the ground. I follow, and at some point I realize they're not hawks but people, and she's been marked defective, and thus led off to meet some terrible fate. I step in and say I'll look after this beautiful victim, and although she doesn't speak, her eyes tell me all I need to know.

20110514

a nightmare woke me up. a wanted to show me her tattooed back, it had like a raised diorama on it, which for some reason reminded me of the intro of game of thrones. At some point afterwards, I had decided to go on a camping trip with a big group of people, but I missed it, because I'd forgotten all my stuff at the house.

When I finally fell back asleep, I had an even weirder dream. In an apartment in my college town, had some new friends over from work. went outside with some crazy device in my hand i used to teleport from place to place, but it wasn't working right. then I saw matt, a high school friend, two houses down. He was throwing a party and invited me down as soon as he saw me. I left the friends in my house and went over and was on the couch. Instantly a girl laid her head on my lap. Took awhile to pry her off. By the time I returned there was on old lady on the roof of my place and so I called the cops to get her down. My new friends were having some sort of orgy at my house. Went back to tell matt.. by the time I was back, there were 100 cops there. I met the mayor, who was very tall and wearing a police uniform. got back in my house and it was completely trashed.

I woke up a second time, for a short time.

fell back asleep and had a normal-er dream about asking out a girl at work.

and now you all know why i dont share my dreams very often. jesus they are so powerful though.

20110513

now playing: Elliott Smith - Figure 8 era unreleased - Stained Glass Eyes [180kbps|3:03]

a pastoral scene is framed by an unpainted sky. tumultuous and unrepentant, the thunder threatens to scar the tranquility of the rolling solace below, but the verdant blanket of life holds its own. fresh, tilled earth uncovers the rich loam of rebirth hidden just beneath the surface, waiting almost eternally to be rediscovered and utilized. nature is the only soundscape present. i wish i could stand at the focus of this event always, where creation meets destruction and neither yields, nor needs to do so... but i'm always snapped awake, and the balance sways.

20110512

now playing: Devin Townsend - Deconstruction - Planet Of The Apes [320kbps|10:59]

do i have anything left to write
tired of writing only of sadness
surely the world offers me more
i am beginning to taint my child
though no direct fault of my own
the sad effect is still the same
the student mimics the teacher
why is solitude so very offensive
i flat out suck at relationships
why should i lick old wounds
or worse, go and find new ones
be alone and apart, no worries
learn who you are, no hurries
except i'm lying to myself
screaming for companionship
on my terms, like a child
on and off, a social faucet
but it doesn't work that way
does it

20110511

now playing: Gwar - War Party - Womb With A View [248kbps|2:23]

Fishing with marionette strings
Quickest way to catch yourself
Charge extra credit for the show
Hope the audience is entertained
How many months will it take
Must rerecord everything soon
Suddenly I am ready to dream
But I have nothing to show for it
Except the passing taste of food
Another sleep eating adventure
A werewolf with no recollection
Lately each night is dreamless
Slipped into maintenance mode
Now awake and pulled outside
Summer temperatures are here
Not even 7am and uncomfortable
But the mission must continue
Stay hydrated, run your ass off
Chisel away at the marble
Until you feel what lies beneath
Imagine your quest completed
Repurchase pawned keepsakes
Stock up on the raw materials
In search of a new contractor
Rebuilding without a floor plan

20110510

now playing: Down - Down II - Ghosts Along The Mississippi [192kbps|5:06]
now cooking: Breaded fish tacos, hash browns (burned, fuck) and yogurt

no explanation is necessary
rejection role starring on stage
collectible roses tossed upward
as if more tinder was necessary
let the superstructure catch
see if i fucking care anymore
diamonds need time to harden
so i bury myself just in case
dig me up at your convenience
a shovel clangs in frustration
every strike sounds the same
more distractions will check in
as one shift ends, another begins

20110509

now playing: now playing: Elliott Smith - Either/Or - How To Take A Fall [192kbps|2:52]
now cooking: hot dogs, pasta shells, and mixed vegetables

Just erased a perfectly bad one
Someone once said it takes two
But our family equated to three
Don't even know what this is for
Like Phil said, just give us five
Minutes alone, but I'd take six
They say god's all about seven
But infinity is more like an eight
Was that ever a possibility? Nein
Never got that far, only to ten.

20110508

now playing: Drudkh - Blood In Our Wells - Ukrainian Insurgent Army [213kbps|5:02]
now reading: Charles de Lint - Memory & Dream
now cooking: Mrs Paul's fish, black eyed peas and snaps, and grapes

The squirrels control my street
A sex game of chase is afoot
Each victory produces a victim
But it continues the species
Each interaction is a power play
Grass responds to all this rain
In the only way it knows how
Growing only to be cut down
Like many of us mowed by life
My headache has subsided now
Definitely due to dehydration
Six miles will do that you know
I want to run more this morning
Regardless of the consequence
I wonder if it's worth the effort
Same question for my songwriting
Am I a martyr for introspection
The impetus for my creativity
Cuts like so many little daggers
Each lyric is a bloodletting
As I expose my hidden layers
Why is it even fucking necessary
I feel safer recorded into a mic
The medium is wholly receptive
These headphones never dissent
My music, even the worst song
Will never, ever reject me
Because each is a part of me
Each is a part of my heart
Which she shattered so well
Maybe if I write enough songs
I can put it back together
Through sheer will I am reborn
Growing only to be cut down

20110507

kiddo went to a birthday party at pump-it-up, the inflatable place, in the glow room no less. she had a blast although she got hit in the head on one of the slides and there was some friendship drama. dropped her off at the ex's apt afterwards, and the former mother-in-law was there. we hugged and i left and that's that. i hope my daughter isn't too emotionally drained after all the carting around and promotional tours of duty that they'll be putting her through this weekend. what's funny is, to all those nameless family members, it'll be as if my ex has been a parent this whole time, which is not even remotely the case.

she texted me at some point to ask if i was busy, and i just ignored it. i don't need or want her drama anymore.

My heart and its ticking sound
My pain insists on sticking around
I must eventually learn to adapt
This old house has me trapped
Or maybe it serves as a cocoon
A negative rebirth will hit soon
Pry open this big coffin one day
There's nothing else left to say.