20121110

biked 15 mi. had a protein bar along the way.

installed gutter screens on the entire back of the house and a little bit around the sides and downspouts.

also alabama lost. not a bad day all in all.

lunch: chicken, cottage cheese
snack: uncrustable
dinner: homemade soup

missing my kidlet a little but i've gotten stuff done.

---

and then at 11pm as i was trying to go to sleep, the depression hit.

the realization of how little i've accomplished since she left.

it's almost been two whole years... and i've done almost nothing. stagnated.

no dating. haven't really made much of a dent in my body situation, which i still believe is the key to my happiness.

i did go to the beach and take my shirt off.

i beat a bunch of video games.

i kept the parenting boat afloat.

and yet i feel like i'm winning the battles and losing the war.

going to cry myself to sleep and wish for a drug to grant me release.



trapped in a shell, my intention is strong
with a mouthful of water, I can break through a stone
carried on a dove, I have dropped from the sky
now the ground is above and my goal is set high
reach out with a kiss from my mother
reach out just to smile at my father
straight like a wand, my magic is simple
sensing your laughter, the breeze makes me nimble
my colors displayed, I am ready to travel
on the back of a bee, all my children unravel

20121108

lunch: chicken and cottage cheese
dinner: shitty salad from lenny's
later: protein shake good lord too much

the girl i liked thinks i'm a creeper, saw her this morning... oh well, another beautiful woman who thinks i'm a weirdo.

watching nfl tonight.

fml i prayed for mercy

20121107

lunch: burger
dinner: omelet, chicken
later: a bit of halloween candy

made dinner for me and my kid, cleaned out some gutters, installed some gutter screens, went to the park, walked the dog, gave my kid a bath, played soccer in the house, etc

20121105-2

thanksgiving planning with the ex:

ex: you can either have her Wednesday-Saturday or Thursday evening-Sunday
me: i'd like her to be with me on Thanksgiving, our family is doing something earlier in the day
ex: okay but you'll get her back on Saturday, i'm doing something that night
(an hour later)
ex: actually i'm supposed to have her on Thanksgiving, i'll keep her Thursday-Saturday
me: hah, why give me the option if you're just going to play games?

no response.

20121105

lunch: salad
dinner: salad
later: not salad (chicken and cottage cheese)

have i forgotten so quickly indeed
the blues and greys and wants and needs
tried so hard to finish the race
running the hallways, subliminal daze
hammered it down one week at a time
what's lost to the loss of the loser's grind
a mishmash of happenstance, memories aground
i miss that freedom so dearly, that sound
of silence, as i sit here, mid-recompense
with these phrases and chords that'll never make sense
fearing what i can't understand
how to live a child a die a man

20121104

lunch: hot dog, chicken fingers
dinner: two pieces of bbq chicken pizza
later: protein shake, two pieces of sausage, cottage cheese

20121103

"DADDY.... I don't have any apps!"

20121101

lunch: newk's favorite salad
dinner: 6oz sirloin, sweet potato, veggies
later: chicken, cottage cheese

this morning: animal show
then lunch
then a trip to the playground at the huge city park
then a walk around the lake
then dinner
then petsmart for treats and a new dog bone
then target for carmex and other random stuff
then home for books and bed and kungfu
now nfl

probably ate too much today. the plan is to get her to school in the morning, then come back and either go back to sleep, depending, or go on a long bike ride.

my head was clear all day but i feel cloudy and crappy again.

so i decided to sit on the couch and watch this masterpiece via the 360 youtube app.

20121029

lunch: grilled chicken salad
dinner: sweet potato, chicken
later: protein shake

feeling worn out. time to crash.

20121027

ran this morning. fuck its cold. mid 40s.

came back, had some lunch (soup and chicken, then a protein shake from hell).

watched my alma mater win. it's now 3:30 and i need something to do. lift, possibly?