20130101-2

Meditation complete. I'm supposed to hold a picture in my mind of what I want. Trying to write a happy song, or at least, one focused on hope.

I did some introspection after the get together and I think one issue is that I tend to ask mundane conversational questions when nervous but the part of my brain devoted to creativity or levity becomes disconnected or severed during the process, resulting in banal interactions with nearly everyone. I was quite content to ask everyone about work (which no one wants to talk about really), geek stuff (which no woman in the room gives a damn about), and that's pretty much it. Whatever the pleasant small talk gene is, I'm going to need some coaching to rediscover it.

I realize I need social interaction, although I loathe it so. I need "my people", whoever that is. It may sadly result in a resubscription to wow, as I cannot seem to function outside the voice chat realm. I see geek girls around reddit and such, but invariably they have cats or something. Almost always a package deal. If I'm being honest with myself, I need to unhide my match profile and "go public". Here are my personal requirements on taking that step:

1. 205 lbs
2. New car? Probably not needed
3. ???

I need more friends, regardless of gender. How do people do this effectively and easily every day, when I cannot?

Hell I can't even hold onto the few friends I have left at this point... Who can blame them...

20130101

No one to kiss, and that loneliness pulls at me. Oh well, another round, another one down.

20121229

fuck i just woke up

also: i love the holidays

also also: finished up oblivion

sad that i can sum up my life in terms of games...

also my brain is out to get me. i lifted a lot yesterday and tried to keep my food intake down.... even locked my own doors inside the house. still sleepwalked into the kitchen for more. i need a therapist.

oh look http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_eating_syndrome

20121227

Distance: 3.00 mi
Time: 30:38
Avg Pace: 10:12 min/mi
Elevation Gain: 108 ft
Calories: 535 C

i stopped logging stuff on fitocracy when my weight gain started back. seemed pointless accumulating points and pounds both, so i picked one.

fml.

20121221

and today i felt great.

work lunch at a churrascaria.

down to play with kiddo.

and then an nba game with her in box seats.

the holidays are bad for my waistline though.

20121220

Cold and wet, the morning frost
Anoints another year of loss
The spinning top can turn time down
To stay in stasis all year round
A hibernation left in state
Belabored, pointed twist of fate
Wait for hope and hope for a sign
It's always and never a matter of time

20121216

"I can't understand that guy at all."
"He's from Kenya."
"Norbert in my class is from Kenya, but they moved here so they could learn things from America like how to talk normal."

20121129

"we can't watch hannah montana anymore. that show went out of business."

20121119

two miles.

fridge remnants for lunch, salad for dinner (cereal later)

monday night football, i guess. an early departure (would that i could be so lucky)

20121118

up at 9.
to the park.
church at 10:30. threatened with hell.
so depressed i just want to call it at this point... but
lunch at 11:30. newk's favorite salad.
off to the big city park. paddle boats. playground.
over to the zoo.
dinner at 5:00. indian. too much food.
back for nfl and laundry and books and bed.
9:30 and my team is losing.
i had a protein shake (no milk).