fucking heart probs since sunday. probably my fault. this is maddening. general malaise, neck probs, etc.
20150721
20150719
20150710
20150704
20150704
customary listen complete.
today was lonely.
coffeed up, wrenched back, did the usual, dressed out, rode the bike, got wet, came home, ate, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, ate, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, ate, etc.
interspersed with irc, facebook, and reddit.
all in all, a completely selfish diversion from reality.
hopefully kiddo saw some fireworks at least.
today was lonely.
coffeed up, wrenched back, did the usual, dressed out, rode the bike, got wet, came home, ate, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, ate, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, played euro truck simulator 2, played witcher 3, ate, etc.
interspersed with irc, facebook, and reddit.
all in all, a completely selfish diversion from reality.
hopefully kiddo saw some fireworks at least.
20150701
20150701
THIS SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD.
IT'S JUST A GUY PLAYING BASS AND A DRUMMER. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. IT'S SOOOOO GOOD.
IT'S JUST A GUY PLAYING BASS AND A DRUMMER. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE. IT'S SOOOOO GOOD.
20150623
20150623
just checking in. kiddo is gone for a week.
rode my bike this morning. dunno how far, but it was pretty damned hot.
life continues. dude abides.
rode my bike this morning. dunno how far, but it was pretty damned hot.
life continues. dude abides.
20150606
20150606
so, my nephew was killed a week ago. we just buried him. i don't really have too many stories or anecdotes or anything about him, because honestly, we never shared a lot of time together -- i guess -- other than when we talked WoW or lifting or whatever. has dad was somewhat controlling and we really only saw him at full family get-togethers. i struggled to find things we connected on.
when he was much younger, he would hit me and my brothers, a result of the roughhousing between him and his father. at the time, i really didn't like the kid, but it wasn't his fault.
this is probably reading a little negative, but i don't mean it to. i loved him, and as he started to grow, he changed into a complete person, quite outgoing and popular: in other words, the opposite high school experience from myself.
i wish upon wish that i'd spent more time with him, telling him about the stupid fuck-ups i'd made in college; to impart some cautionary tale.. some wisdom, some restraint, anything.. although i know full well little of it would have sunk in. this was a boy without limits.
but the world has limits, many of them harsh and unforgiving, and he was a victim to it.
my mom told me, regardless of what actually happened -- we don't know the circumstances -- she will always think of him as a martyr. and, in point of fact, she's right. he will teach made child, his cousins, and friends a terrible but valuable lesson, hopefully.
his death was senseless, but my intj nature will work at it like every unsolvable problem in my head, turning the tumblers at it until they tumble out of existence.
i miss him.
i'd like to say he taught me a lesson. multiple people yesterday told me he looked just like me (yeah thanks, i don't want to hear that today of all days).
if i'm as attractive as the "most attractive" senior superlative, the only thing stopping me from finding happiness is me.
but i already knew that.
RIP..
when he was much younger, he would hit me and my brothers, a result of the roughhousing between him and his father. at the time, i really didn't like the kid, but it wasn't his fault.
this is probably reading a little negative, but i don't mean it to. i loved him, and as he started to grow, he changed into a complete person, quite outgoing and popular: in other words, the opposite high school experience from myself.
i wish upon wish that i'd spent more time with him, telling him about the stupid fuck-ups i'd made in college; to impart some cautionary tale.. some wisdom, some restraint, anything.. although i know full well little of it would have sunk in. this was a boy without limits.
but the world has limits, many of them harsh and unforgiving, and he was a victim to it.
my mom told me, regardless of what actually happened -- we don't know the circumstances -- she will always think of him as a martyr. and, in point of fact, she's right. he will teach made child, his cousins, and friends a terrible but valuable lesson, hopefully.
his death was senseless, but my intj nature will work at it like every unsolvable problem in my head, turning the tumblers at it until they tumble out of existence.
i miss him.
i'd like to say he taught me a lesson. multiple people yesterday told me he looked just like me (yeah thanks, i don't want to hear that today of all days).
if i'm as attractive as the "most attractive" senior superlative, the only thing stopping me from finding happiness is me.
but i already knew that.
RIP..
20150411
20150411
this year is slipping away. how in the hell is it april already?
such a great track. this is how you crescendo.
yard sale > dollhouse sold in record time > michaels > run + dog walk > lunch > tv > rock-n-romp > dinner > crafts > bloodborne
such a great track. this is how you crescendo.
yard sale > dollhouse sold in record time > michaels > run + dog walk > lunch > tv > rock-n-romp > dinner > crafts > bloodborne
20150402
20150403
tears. almost.
the scale hasn't moved. nothing has.
this is my invisibility. timeless. glad i found it again. so beautiful.
this is the only thing that still moves. two minutes in. everything in my being distilled.
there they are. right on schedule.
the scale hasn't moved. nothing has.
this is my invisibility. timeless. glad i found it again. so beautiful.
this is the only thing that still moves. two minutes in. everything in my being distilled.
there they are. right on schedule.
20150228
20150228
Really struggling today.
Emotionally, I'm just a damn wreck.
My kid is overweight and lazy and I don't know what to do about it, because I have little to no motivation myself. Forcing her to do things doesn't seem to do much good, no more than any other approach.
My biggest fear -- my kid ending up like me -- seems to be coming true.
Anyway, my old hs friend is throwing a party today, and I may be the only coworker coming. My daughter and I will know very few people, and social situations like that rarely end well for me. Maybe that's the impetus behind all the crappy feelings. I took her to a school skating party where at least I had the blessed diversion of loud noises and low lightning under which to hide.
This party is going to be a wide open display of how fat and socially retarded we are.
And then there's tomorrow, some stupid pot luck Girl Scout church thing my parents are coming to.
Can I ever not be a curmudgeon? Is it mercurial? Perhaps last month or last week or ten minutes ago I'd have been thrilled to attend? What does it even have to do with me, it's my friends party for chrissakes.
Fuck.
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