20160502

grief is love that has no home.

20160409

current melodramatic, narcissistic first world maladies
- preoccupation with mortality
- prolonged absence of intimacy
- zero focus, zero goals
- mounting living condition demands
- dead musician hero worship
- lack of happiness, enjoyment, or fulfillment

insanity. was it inevitable? is it here? no one's getting off this ride alive anyway, but i have been so close so many times to pulling it together.

all this time, i thought i was the problem. and when i wasn't the problem, other people were the problem. but the secret is simple. there is no problem.

people are exactly who they are, and you are exactly who you are in this exact moment. and there is no escape from that, other than to walk away.

i wonder if the drugs i took earlier in life did this to me. i don't seem to be as bad as my brother. but i'm still well and truly gone.

this wasn't the case years ago: did age rend the varnish of hope?

the loneliness is soul crushing. i have no one. i don't even care about the pull of sex. i just want a goddamn hand to hold. is that too much to ask.

i out think EVERYTHING. and end up with NOTHING.

i don't even have the luxury of being a crazy diamond.

20160221

ready for this weekend to be over which it almost is

bubble tea (chai)
three burger patties and hot wings, tomatoes, nacho cheese
one small piece of cake
more hot wings
feels like i ate more than that today, maybe not. i could've sworn i had thousands of calories, feel bloated as fuck

20160212

more tea
burrito bowl and hash browns
palak paneer and cottage cheese
(probably a protein shake later)

20160211

Breakfast: hot tea

Lunch: liver and onions, broccoli, squash casserole

Dinner: chicken salad

Later: protein shake

No workout, day two. Skipped vball, skipped everything.

20160209

reminded kiddo on the way out the door to make sure she grabbed her binder.

told her

"I AM NOT YOUR TRAPPER'S KEEPER"

20160207

kiddo didnt want to wait for dinner. i told her too bad. she went to the oven and turned on the light to see how done it was.

except it was covered in aluminum foil. so i said

"LOOKS LIKE I FOILED YOUR PLANS"

#dadjoke

20160205

lunch: mahi mahi, rice and sweet potato slices
dinner: two beef pinwheels
dinner #2: scrambled eggs (5)

have been lifting and running on and off for about two months and feel like i've made a little headway. keeping my protein high and adding in the metrx mrp has helped i think.

just finished off a shitload of eggs, i guess today is a rest day, will hopefully be up and early for a day of lifting and cardio.

REFUSE TO LOSE.

my comeback album has yet to be published.

20160131

not every night, but many nights, my dreams just before i wake up -- you know, the one you remember -- will feature a rejection by a woman. this morning, it was the girl from the restaurant that i now avoid.

my inability to choose my own fate coupled with these self-fulfilling prophecy dreams has turned me into a prisoner of my own prison.

these dreams are the ultimate kick in the dick to me, and i can't make them stop.

20160107

yep, back on the positive swing. manic-depression is fun! i have decided to love myself.

we'll see how we feel tomorrow. :)