20160712

self realization: i may have a bit of an addictive or obsessive personality.
case in point: over the years, i have a sauron-like gaze with certain artists.

the listing below: the approximate age when each artist first "spoke" to me.
(as best as I can recall)

age	band(s)
11	samantha fox, george michael, tears for fears
12	ac/dc, machine head
13	guns n' roses
14	soundgarden
15	jeff buckley
16	pantera, stone temple pilots
17	monk, coltrane
18	testament
19	311, ice cube, d.o.c.
20	led zeppelin, megadeth
21	tool, manson, nine inch nails
22	bjork, stevie wonder
23	black sabbath
24	weezer
25	fiona apple
26	beatles
28	old metallica, slayer
30	strapping young lad, opeth
31	rollins band
32	burzum, immortal
33	drudkh
34	elliott smith
36	vektor
38	pink floyd

obviously, these are my favorite musicians.

my current obsession is the smiths. not sure if they'll make the cut.

20160711

just fantastic, from start to finish.

20160608

Heaven sent the promised land, Looks alright from where I stand
'Cause I'm the man on the outside looking in

Waiting on the first step, Show where the key is kept
Point me down the right line because it's time

To let me in from the cold, Turn my lead into gold
'Cause there's chill wind blowing in my soul
And I think I'm growing old

20160604

what am i doing today? so far, not much, other than coffee and ps4. although i did run a 5k last night, and did really well pace-wise.

am i on the upswing? who knows. life is a treadmill, but the speed is not under your control.

20160529

if i watch it every day, will it work

20160526

ran a 4 miler in the pouring rain today.

saw the past run by. and her boyfriend straggling behind. i outran both of them.

fearlessly, the idiot faces the crowd, smiling.

20160521

i've isolated myself so much that i'm almost 40, and have very few true friends, or even people who know anything about me more than my name.

it's a bizarre thing, to have turned into such a non-entity.

i'm trying really hard not to let it get it to me.

i've been on a ridiculous floyd kick lately.

went from "wish you were here" back through echoes and pompeii and even the older, psychedelic stuff and am currently obsessed with animals.

what a fantastic album, start to finish.

20160509

Intentionally left blank

20160502

grief is love that has no home.

20160409

current melodramatic, narcissistic first world maladies
- preoccupation with mortality
- prolonged absence of intimacy
- zero focus, zero goals
- mounting living condition demands
- dead musician hero worship
- lack of happiness, enjoyment, or fulfillment

insanity. was it inevitable? is it here? no one's getting off this ride alive anyway, but i have been so close so many times to pulling it together.

all this time, i thought i was the problem. and when i wasn't the problem, other people were the problem. but the secret is simple. there is no problem.

people are exactly who they are, and you are exactly who you are in this exact moment. and there is no escape from that, other than to walk away.

i wonder if the drugs i took earlier in life did this to me. i don't seem to be as bad as my brother. but i'm still well and truly gone.

this wasn't the case years ago: did age rend the varnish of hope?

the loneliness is soul crushing. i have no one. i don't even care about the pull of sex. i just want a goddamn hand to hold. is that too much to ask.

i out think EVERYTHING. and end up with NOTHING.

i don't even have the luxury of being a crazy diamond.