20060618

I'm a bit depressed about a and m leaving for florida. i had my big awakening over a week ago (thanks to seeing some incriminating emails between her and d). i've since sworn off wow, tried to reclaim my life and save our marriage, and fix our issues... i've probably been smothering the shit out of a, as my ocdometer trained its focus from wow onto this new challenge, but i can't help it. m's life and well being depend on us, both of us, and i don't want to let my selfishness (or her selfishness) impede on that. what i won't (and can't) allow is her getting a free ride to cheat on me and expect me to be so naive as to have no idea what's been going on. that she's made a connection with this guy is partly my fault for being distant, but that does not give her the right to do this behind my back.



i am a good person, damnit... i have been a fairly good father, and not all that bad of a husband, although i know recently i have been neglecting a and taking her for granted. i think we've had a really good week, i'm inclined to agree with her on that, but this trip she's taking will decide a lot of things once and for all, and the thought of that is churning my stomach. i have been saying "i'm sorry" too much around her, as if our relationship's problems are my fault. this is not my fight against obesity, addiction or ocd, although that's part of it for sure. this is *our* fight at saving our marriage and giving m a better life than we had, and sometimes it feels as if i'm the only one fighting it.



a has "you're beautiful" set as the ringtone for dave, and as i read those lyrics and what they might imply, i had more of the same feelings of helplessness. she says she gets frustrated with the baby when she can't communicate what's wrong. well here i am, seemingly helpless to stop this trainwreck of inadequacy and frustration from reaching its destination. what am i supposed to do?



my only hope is that this diary will at least set my mind at ease a bit, and allow me to focus on fitness while she is gone to florida with m.



i love her. i share my feelings with her all the time, but sometimes i don't get back much of anything, which makes me wonder if she's as invested as i am in saving this.

19990501

what i require is not as great as what i think it is, not the "be-all end-all of human existence" moreso it cannot fathom a world in which dreams were to come true and i could actually find happiness. why is this concept so far away from me?

19990426

god help me.. hmm. i just need some direction. maybe i need to rethink this. at first i thought it was just a product of 22 years of collective guilt, but i dunno, maybe even the simple act of being with a group is enough to reinvigorate me.

19990301

pressure point

after i'm gone no one will care to read this
a haphazard attempt to accrue notability through incontinence
you'll be sharing thoughts with yourself in your old age
the only latent requirement is the sense of porcelain skin on mine
finite space becomes infinite upon closer inspection, considerably
so does the soul hope to recurse into itself to broaden hope
yet i have managed to find a wall instead, luckless me
a breaking point on the edge of my soul
years before it protected my energy from intrusion
now it taxes free thought and hampers exploration
where are my curves, have they forgotten to allot them?
i see happiness contained in my sibling's eyes, and i hate them for it
my parents couldn't be more content, and it hurts me deeply
attempts at understanding my rage are worthless gestures
the only fix is to stop the loneliness, either by
adding one to your number or taking one away. i need you!
doing more than slowly killing me, this is far, far worse
the black shadow of myself grows upon each incident
(how are these thoughts possible with no outward shame)
if unchecked, i'll have to remove myself, if only to save them from
the me that i've already begun to change into
unbalanced and unnoticed, none of them even care to glance
softer and caring but at a terrible price
will you ever feel confident enough to make your leap of faith?
how could these snakes be allowed to crawl over me?
i'm covered in blood regret from sallow head to toe. help.

19990120

whatever

i am the fork in the road
knife a-slicing away
hoping for a miracle
i am the forgotten soldier
was faithful when others withered
but now i sense the truth
in loneliness i have found me
"how could this be my fate", he said
standing myself is nearing its end
i have to escape from this
trying before left me more alone
i miss everyone i hate
i hate all i've missed
fuck them all, they're all alike
but most of all
last but not least
greatest in meaning
fuck you
forever
i'll choke on your ashes

19990115

gaining and losing

foot in the quick
never fitting into myself
trapped on the edge
weight drags me down
grasping for dead air
choking on the sand
worn out, dried up
denying myself the truth
regret is my sustenance
living for yesterday
one day at a time
as the world spins backwards
the mold breaks again
extremes of ugliness
fuck you and your self-esteem
i was winnowing away years ago
this is my masterpiece
let the living be duped