20110930-2

my friend on irc made the following for me this morning. it was appreciated and apropos.



amazing piece of ass in the county register's office. my day is subtly improving.

day 20 (run day):

a little banana and almond butter, one egg muffin
hot dog, can of chicken, two egg muffins
apple
tuna salad with a little bacon, no egg muffins :)

20110930

terrible nightmare. started off in some store with the ex. she left while we were shopping for something, and i fell asleep in the store. woke up (in the dream) and couldn't find her, called and she was off driving away from me. my coworker stopped me in the store and said our job was shutting down, so we went to my old employer to look for a job, and during some presentation my shoes phone wallet keys were all stolen. i was made fun of by an old coworker. woke up and it was 6am. first bad dream i've had in months, to be honest. this stress/drama affects me so deeply.

since i had my first nightmare in months, i was inspired to write my first poem in months while walking the dog. it sucks.

neglect of devices left unused
never broken but slightly abused
rusted coil which keeps me mortal
constant search for the final portal
pause to watch our star again rise
every day some more light dies
bad dreams brought upon myself
a cold morning with nothing left
acceptance as an unwanted gift
spare me the trouble
close the rift

20110929

day 19:

egg muffin (or two? can't remember)
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese
hot dog
cobb salad at chili's

i have replied to my ex's family. the bridge is probably burned. fuck. i don't really regret standing up for myself, but i do regret the entire situation. what a mess she created.

20110928

day 18 (run day):
two hard boiled eggs
one hamburger patty
two egg muffins

ran a bunch. got a fucking wonderful email from my former mother-in-law. apparently she didn't like being called "vacation planners" instead of grandparents. i am drafting a reply at the moment. and trying not to be too venomous.

20110927

day 17:

hot dog
grilled chicken salad
hamburger and sweet potato

vendor mtgs with EMC and IBM. no run. grumbly.

we've spent every night at the park... that's been nice.

20110926

damn trip is coming up. damnit.

also her party. god i hope kids show up. god i hope my ex doesn't ruin it.

day 16:
no breakfast, no lunch really, came home after work and had
hot dog, can of chicken, blt wrap
eggs (scrambled with tomatoes) and sausage

it's good that the peanut butter is depleted. i can conceivably lose weight with nothing around to snack on. i need a celice around my face.

fitocracy is working out. hah. pun.

20110925

indian food. disney on ice. football game. etc.

day 15:
eggs and bacon
indian food (palak paneer, chili chicken and curried chicken)
hot dogs, chicken
apple

20110924

day 14:

egg muffins
hamburgers
shish kabobs at friend's house
apple with pb

watched ufc tonight. i feel so awkward by myself. honestly i just forgot what it felt like to not be on a team. i want that feeling back, but i'm still not ready.

20110923

and just like that, i have plans tonight. and i initiated them myself no less.
going to eat with some friends and then going to see "enter the haggis" tonight, celtic rock, free show at the shell.

day 13:
skipped breakfast
tuna salad
new york strip and veggies side street

wow. the waitress at the restaurant had the nicest tits i've seen in years. and she smelled so fucking good. i may have to go back just to be waited on by her again. pathetic.

suicide dreams on the ride home.

want to write a song about acceptance, turning the corner, etc. or a song about fall. or both. but instead, my eyes will blur and i'll collapse in bed.

20110922-2

so i'm sitting here listening to "high speed dirt" by megadeth, reading "7 ways to beat depression after divorce" on the web, and wondering again why weight loss, why LIFE, is such a struggle for me.

i cannot imagine a woman on the world who fits the puzzle. god help the world if i do get into shape finally.

---

holy fuck the depression is just washing over me in waves. i just got home. was sitting in my car with no music playing and, as it has been for the past year, the phrase "i'm done" comes from my mouth. "i need to be done". i need to be done.

---

could not bring myself to run today. dressed out, walked outside, turned on gps, and just turned around and back to the house. ate lunch and instead took the dog on a walk. and then i called in sick for the afternoon... which consisted of sage and a nap. thank goodness i had the wherewithal to set the alarm. picked up kiddo, brought her home and said no to ice cream for this week, worked on the bicycle with her and now she's preparing to watch some tv (after she cleaned her room).