20130520-2

To dream perchance to sleep

With eyes that seldom keep

The watershed within

A well run dry again

Accomplice to the theft

Accomplishing what's left

Before the toll completes

The boulder failed to meet

An invalid put to bed

With eyes that seldom read

The page between the page

To die perchance to age

20130521

mood has stabilized. i still have a certain someone on my mind. with her goofy ass, tall man.

why can't i walk through the doors of her restaurant and make myself known?

some guys have all the luck.

i have a run on two days and i'm looking forward to it. zooming through the zoo, as it were.

the online dating has yielded no fruit.. what a waste. i wonder if she was right, if i just wasn't ready. i refuse to validate anyone at this point.

i have steel resolve flowing through me. another 5 lbs lost.

through sheer will i will be reborn.

20130514

Sleep is elusive.  I have a new pincushion to hold my attention for the moment, and her dreams are as unsettling as always.

The suicide fantasies are bad lately.  Why is this such a struggle for me?  There is such a lack of purpose here, a dearth of meaning to anything and everything I'm in contact with, which ain't much.

I'm pushing through her last two weeks, a race and some ridiculous beach vacation and I guess I'll reevaluate it all afterwards if I'm unlucky enough to make it through.

My music goes nowhere because of me.

My love life goes nowhere because of me.

My scale goes nowhere because of me.

I'm going nowhere because of me.

Upheaval threatens on so many fronts and all I need or want is shelter and quietude.  I want a hug more than I want sex.

Are these empty words too:

There are listeners out there for me.

There is a girlfriend out there for me.

There is a goal weight out there for me.

There is a happiness for me.

Now to try to get an hour of sleep before I go back into the fray at this dead end, intellectually barren paycheck factory.

20120513

Hours wasted at another lunch party

Surrounded by nonessentials

Nothing but the usual, please

Forced into a cone of silence apart

Smile at the appropriate times

Laugh at the appropriate lines

Meaning is lost in translation I'm sure

A quest for redundancy largely complete

20130508

Another false start to completion
Given to nightly flights of fancy
Yield to unkempt glances gone awry
But now a pain cripples the body
Take as needed for choral boredom
Everyone knows just what you are
Much better than you'll ever know
Whisper a knowing catcall alone
Trying to pick yourself up, and failing
Not even a sure thing in a singular sense
So much for knowing what you need
Empty prayers to no one in particular
The eyes grow heavier than the soul
But only for the moment of moments
Brief and blissful like a firefly dusk
Catch and release what you can
Leave the rest

20130504

I keep waiting to cry. For the release. Or the closure. I can't get either.. I keep checking her pages like a dog, hoping for what.. a fresh start?

I could use one of those, in general.

Oh well, okay.

20130429

fuck. i was wrong. i think. i don't know. who knows. she was right. they're always right.

20130427

Finally got the rejection I was searching for, and of course, it was bittersweet. In monosyllabic punctuated terms, this subpar mate judged me as inferior, and I allowed it to get to me.. but only momentarily.

I have many flaws but I accept them for what they are. Only recently have I stopped focusing on them, and instead, I've started promoting the positive qualities of me. I will graciously accept rejection from a vapid woman, and continue to seek out opportunities for myself, while maintaining the premise that life is not meant to be lived self-centered, but self-aware.

20130426

this may (i'm not sure) be the first time i've ever posted a pic on this blog. probably won't be the last.. anyway, i don't really recognize myself here, but i looked great today. ran with my kid, and managed to find my footing after a disastrous week.



lunch and dinner: chicken and cottage cheese

20130424

two salads, one fried one grilled, standard fare.

benching tonight after a three hour nap.

my boss is leaving in a month. my personal life was just starting to stabilize.. hopefully my professional life doesn't tumble out of control. the elusive balance of life.