20120727-2

this morning was devoted to being a dad.

farmer's market, island park, lunch on the island, library. currently enjoying the best homemade pico de gallo on earth.

after a week, the stupid work shit has subsided.

lonely as fuck and still ready to call it quits. four nick drake albums currently shuffling on the itunes.

match runs out in 2-3 weeks.. women scribbling notes on the brick wall. i read them over the side occasionally.

disconnected from everyone. shrug.

there was a new song yesterday.. will it get finished? who knows, finishing hasn't happened on anything lately.

20130727

Betty said she prayed today

For the sky to blow away

Or maybe stay

She wasn’t sure

For when she thought of summer rain

Calling for her mind again

She lost the pain

And stayed for more

Gonna see the river man

Gonna tell him all I can

About the ban

On feeling free

If he tells me all he knows

About the way his river flows

I don’t suppose

It’s meant for me

Oh, how they come and go

the chords are thick and wash over me, holding me in their four minute embrace, now the only lover i'll care to know.

20130718

breakfast: sausage links
lunch: salad bar at jason's, cup of tomato basil soup
dinner: protein shake, random shit

lifted tonight. i've been doing crud but have lost my way. maybe i'll find it, maybe not.

i need to get back out there. it's time.

20130713

every day i become increasingly convinced that politics and social media are a bad combination. a vocal minority relishes using facebook as a springboard to facilitate political agree-fests.. at best, this is self-serving, at worst, it's simply obnoxious. the inherent danger here is that these repeated diatribes create a collective culture of moderation, a thought police where dissent is lambasted (or unfriended), where posters are given a false sense of validation. rest assured, many of us disagree with you, but we also understand there are rights other than the freedom of speech, and what we'd really love is for you to occasionally become re-acquainted with one in particular: the right to remain silent.

20130706

i have to keep it together for a week. i'm not sure if i can.

20130701

aaaaaaand reboot.

breakfast: two sausage links
lunch: a run and a protein shake
nap: nap
dinner: chicken breasts, cottage cheese, brussel sprouts

the focus shifts inward again
that magnifying glass burns anew
external considerations squelched
the nails of a thousand consternations
shuttering the doors and windows
no shadows left to compete for warmth
in perfect dark a soul search begins
reborn in the stifling july miasma

20120605

Closing in on 1000 days of loneliness.  By my insomniac calculations I'm at 913.

Not really a milestone I wanted to hit, but it was nigh inevitable.

I look around at the women in relationships in my social circles and try to fathom what some of them see in the men they're with, comparing myself to these outgoing, "normal" types who have been in multiple relationships over their lives.. and I wonder what intangible quality I lack that they possess.

Is it confidence?  Experience?  Self-awareness?  Self-satisfaction?  Extroversion?  

Some of these guys are goofy as hell and have beautiful women on their arm.  

I have seen and believed in my own attractiveness as I've (oh so slowly) lost weight over these few years, but my progress has yet to bear any fruit.

Will the fat kid finally get some cake?  Only time will tell..

20130520-2

To dream perchance to sleep

With eyes that seldom keep

The watershed within

A well run dry again

Accomplice to the theft

Accomplishing what's left

Before the toll completes

The boulder failed to meet

An invalid put to bed

With eyes that seldom read

The page between the page

To die perchance to age

20130521

mood has stabilized. i still have a certain someone on my mind. with her goofy ass, tall man.

why can't i walk through the doors of her restaurant and make myself known?

some guys have all the luck.

i have a run on two days and i'm looking forward to it. zooming through the zoo, as it were.

the online dating has yielded no fruit.. what a waste. i wonder if she was right, if i just wasn't ready. i refuse to validate anyone at this point.

i have steel resolve flowing through me. another 5 lbs lost.

through sheer will i will be reborn.

20130514

Sleep is elusive.  I have a new pincushion to hold my attention for the moment, and her dreams are as unsettling as always.

The suicide fantasies are bad lately.  Why is this such a struggle for me?  There is such a lack of purpose here, a dearth of meaning to anything and everything I'm in contact with, which ain't much.

I'm pushing through her last two weeks, a race and some ridiculous beach vacation and I guess I'll reevaluate it all afterwards if I'm unlucky enough to make it through.

My music goes nowhere because of me.

My love life goes nowhere because of me.

My scale goes nowhere because of me.

I'm going nowhere because of me.

Upheaval threatens on so many fronts and all I need or want is shelter and quietude.  I want a hug more than I want sex.

Are these empty words too:

There are listeners out there for me.

There is a girlfriend out there for me.

There is a goal weight out there for me.

There is a happiness for me.

Now to try to get an hour of sleep before I go back into the fray at this dead end, intellectually barren paycheck factory.