20150623

just checking in. kiddo is gone for a week.

rode my bike this morning. dunno how far, but it was pretty damned hot.

life continues. dude abides.

20150606

so, my nephew was killed a week ago. we just buried him. i don't really have too many stories or anecdotes or anything about him, because honestly, we never shared a lot of time together -- i guess -- other than when we talked WoW or lifting or whatever. has dad was somewhat controlling and we really only saw him at full family get-togethers. i struggled to find things we connected on.

when he was much younger, he would hit me and my brothers, a result of the roughhousing between him and his father. at the time, i really didn't like the kid, but it wasn't his fault.

this is probably reading a little negative, but i don't mean it to. i loved him, and as he started to grow, he changed into a complete person, quite outgoing and popular: in other words, the opposite high school experience from myself.

i wish upon wish that i'd spent more time with him, telling him about the stupid fuck-ups i'd made in college; to impart some cautionary tale.. some wisdom, some restraint, anything.. although i know full well little of it would have sunk in. this was a boy without limits.

but the world has limits, many of them harsh and unforgiving, and he was a victim to it.

my mom told me, regardless of what actually happened -- we don't know the circumstances -- she will always think of him as a martyr. and, in point of fact, she's right. he will teach made child, his cousins, and friends a terrible but valuable lesson, hopefully.

his death was senseless, but my intj nature will work at it like every unsolvable problem in my head, turning the tumblers at it until they tumble out of existence.

i miss him.

i'd like to say he taught me a lesson. multiple people yesterday told me he looked just like me (yeah thanks, i don't want to hear that today of all days).

if i'm as attractive as the "most attractive" senior superlative, the only thing stopping me from finding happiness is me.

but i already knew that.



RIP..

20150411

this year is slipping away. how in the hell is it april already?

such a great track. this is how you crescendo.



yard sale > dollhouse sold in record time > michaels > run + dog walk > lunch > tv > rock-n-romp > dinner > crafts > bloodborne

20150403

tears. almost.

the scale hasn't moved. nothing has.

this is my invisibility. timeless. glad i found it again. so beautiful.

this is the only thing that still moves. two minutes in. everything in my being distilled.



there they are. right on schedule.

20150228

Really struggling today.

Emotionally,  I'm just a damn wreck.

My kid is overweight and lazy and I don't know what to do about it, because I have little to no motivation myself.  Forcing her to do things doesn't seem to do much good, no more than any other approach.

My biggest fear -- my kid ending up like me -- seems to be coming true.  

Anyway, my old hs friend is throwing a party today, and I may be the only coworker coming.  My daughter and I will know very few people, and social situations like that rarely end well for me. Maybe that's the impetus behind all the crappy feelings.  I took her to a school skating party where at least I had the blessed diversion of loud noises and low lightning under which to hide.  

This party is going to be a wide open display of how fat and socially retarded we are.  

And then there's tomorrow, some stupid pot luck Girl Scout church thing my parents are coming to.  

Can I ever not be a curmudgeon?  Is it mercurial?  Perhaps last month or last week or ten minutes ago I'd have been thrilled to attend?  What does it even have to do with me, it's my friends party for chrissakes.

Fuck.

20150223

kid:
breakfast: bowl of fruity cheerios
lunch: ham/cheese sandwich, pb crackers, avocado
snack: (small) bowl of fruity cheerios
dinner: bacon/cheese pizza, apple

me:
lunch: chicken, basically
snack: goji and raspberry chocolates
dinner: chicken poppers and cottage cheese

20150220

so, i gave up self loathing for lent.

work and school were cancelled, kiddo left out of here in the morning to the ex's.

lifted a bunch of weights today. 75 squats of various shapes and sizes, and now doing some upper body stuff.

and wow. and new toys. .

spinning my wheels in the best way possible.

20150219

can i love myself before i kill myself

20150217

the itch is back tonight and i've had very little sugar. i'm not even scared at this point. i look around at this mess than i was led into, this home that was picked for me, and i realize i'll die here. right here. and i'm resigned to it.

i wished for more -- don't we all -- but i'm a victim of myself. existentialism feeds on the terror of terrors, the despair of dread, and i've eaten my fill time and time again. my safe haven, this prison, is surrounded by fear and bordered by doubt.

co-dependence was merely an aperitif to this. i could write a song about it, here, right now, that would foment and crystalize the incredible aching of my soul, and i briefly considered it, but the prison walls have hardened against such outbursts.

my blurry vision has no tears tonight. it's just blurry vision, brought on by staring at screens and destroying my body.

i'm all dried up.

tonight, a total stranger extended a kindness to my daughter.

tonight, i couldn't hear a word a woman was saying, and my repeated answer to her was simply, no.

tonight, my daughter and i shared a laugh, mere days removed from a sickness her mother still has no clue about.

tonight, i mention something i've never mentioned before, again because of fear. such a simple thing, barely a syllable to its name. it's a part of me, as much a part of me as the body that hides its existence. a lump. and it will be my savior.

i lied. i'm not all dried up after all.

but for now, fuck it. i'm lifting.

20150217

fuck the food diary. i'm up at 3:45 AM with a very deep heel itch on my left side that strikes every few minutes. looked this shit up and it's either diabetes or renal failure. guessing my sugar is out of whack. this is like someone itching the back of my heel from the inside and it is downright painful. all i want to do is go back to sleep.