20140730

how can july possibly be over? wtf.

lunch: pork chops, cabbage, purple hull peas
dinner: cobb salad
omfg: chocolate and peanut butter
midnight snack: chicken, kale shit and cottage cheese

20140730

lunch: don pollo
dinner?: protein shake with banana
(nap)
(start laundry)
(run)
(walk dog)
(start dryer)
(shower)

now i'm building my kid a desk. and listening to a newish peste noire album. tried to drink a beer but i can actually taste the sugar in there, and couldn't continue.

20140729

lunch: half chicken, rice, house salad
dinner: chicken, tots, cc
(lifted)
(brother came over, helped with tech stuff)
later: tuna, bacon, pickle

10pm, off to kroger, i guess. i have a desk to put together but i'm just not feeling it.

Back from Kroger, 11pm, helped an old lady outside get a watermelon into her cart, and I could tell the poor old soul was crying for social contact, and I failed her.  I cried through the entire store with the guilt of failing to interact with the old lady, and here I sit with stickman playing in my car in my carport with the car running at 11pm with tears streaming and nothing but sadness and depression.

Time to empty the groceries and end another turn of the wheel of ka.

i think one of the reasons i run is that i want to die, but i'm too much of a coward to handle the job myself. if i were to die running, that would essentially be out of my control.

in a very real sense, my body is the enemy, and it would be a glorious death in combat. the 21st century, first world edition.

assisted suicide by cardio, how gauche.

20140728

I always cut up the dog's wet food in the morning because he has no teeth.  This morning I cut it up and, without thinking, immediately dumped it into the kitchen sink.  The day followed suit.

lunch: cobb salad, way too much food
pre-run/post-nap: protein shake
later: chicken, cottage cheese, pepperoni, a little leftover sweet potato

ran. talked. fuck.

neighbors swarm when i'm destitute, it's like moths to the flame.

The ghost of your smile's always looking for new bodies to haunt.

20140726

Lunch/preworkout: two hard-boiled eggs

Dinner: Asian chicken, tots, broccoli, cauliflower 

20140725

Lunch: half chicken, rice, salad

(Swam with kiddo)

Dinner: mo chicken, Brussels sprouts, tots

Later: protein bar

20140724

everybody knows, which way you go, straight to over.
no one wants to see, you inside of me, straight to over.
i heard the hammer at the lock, saying deaf and dumb and done.
give yourself another talk, this time it make it sound like someone.

the noise is coming out, and if it's not out now, then tomorrow.. tomorrow....

---

up from a nap, feeling destructive, disconnect.

lunch: bbq chicken, greens, twice baked

---

i got static in my head, the reflected sound of everything.
tried to go to where it led, but it didn't lead to anything.

the noise is coming out, and if it's not out now,
i know it's just about, to drown to tomorrow out.

20140723

lunch: pork chops, cabbage, roll
dinner: more pork chops because my mom made pork chops, green beans, sweet potato
later: chocolate, peanut butter
nap: nap
even later: hard boiled egg, pickle.. god i'm weird.

estimated carbs: fuck i dunno

no workout. i just realized i overdid it on calories and carbs. maybe i can sleep well enough to work out tomorrow.

20140721

i may or may not feel like writing about my kid drama at some point, but not right now.

lunch: chicken, cottage cheese, protein shake
run...
dinner: i feel like it was more chicken?
later: chocolate

bought some veggies and other assorted things.

switching to grilled chicken.

20140719

dunno how many times i've said/thought/tried this but here we go again.

the mark bell powercast this week about paleo eating was really inspirational. i'm not a special snowflake. i've just been lying to myself.

i'm going to really watch my calories from here on out and attempt to go on a cut. this means stopping buying the breaded chicken and sticking to the grilled... the carb ratios are 12/1 so this would be a huge drop-off in my carbs. i've been bullshitting myself saying i'm eating low carb though. eating huge things of almonds, breaded chicken, milk, and all the other sugary/carby nonsense i stuff into my body. dunno if i can give up tater tots but i may just try to find something else as a compliment to the grilled chicken. cottage cheese is still my mainstay.

breakfast: coffee
lunch: grilled(!) fajita chicken and tater tots

lifting:
squat: 135x8
superset (squat and db farmer's walk): 225x8x4 and 40x 2min x4
superset (ohp and db bench): 95x5x3 and 40x10x3

20140715-2

lunch: chicken chimichanga (really a glorified burrito, as it wasn't fried), rice
dinner: protein shake with bacon
later: tater tots and cottage cheese
snack: chocolate almonds

20140715

another band i'll never see live. another song that moves me to tears


rip natasha.

looks like i have two separate issues. hives and a strained sternum. not heart pains, as in i just said fuckit and ran two miles to spite it.

20140708

lunch: half chicken, rice, house salad
dinner: chicken, cottage cheese

20140707

lunch: two pieces of fried chicken (white meat), collard greens, slaw
dinner: chicken, cottage cheese, chocolate malt protein shake
later: more chicken

ran tonight, walked the dog, then played dq8 interspersed with red dead redemption.

no wifi for kiddo. apparently the former inlaws can't remember the password. riiiight.

assholes the lot of em.

20140706

kiddo's gone. delivered her into the belly of the bitchface at 7 tonight for her trip. i think (and hope) she'll have a great week.

as for me, who knows. i came home, grabbed my earbuds and took the dog on a walk.

so here i am one set into gym dickery with my music going in the workout room and a free week of freedom freeing me from the freedom of feeling free. or something.

squatted yesterday. deadlifted today. hope the neck and back holds up. i got a hankering to go run but i really just want to push some iron this week.

lunch: protein shake (new flavor, chocolate malt)
dinner: chicken, cauliflower, tater tots, cottage cheese

20140705

Happiness is momentary.

I realize this more and more as I age.  

Tonight, my daughter and I played towerfall on ps4 against each other, and the pure joy coming out of her (of us both) was infectious and amazing.  She eventually cajoled me into standing up for each round, fully immersed in the fast-paced matches.  Tomorrow I drive her over to bitchface and lose her for a week.

There's no happiness in that for me, but I can clutch onto each smile, each laugh, each moment with her and hopefully begin to appreciate the incredible gift I was given.  She is light.  

20140704

For posterity, here's the rundown of food from the fourth:

Breakfast: scrambled eggs and bacon

Lunch (at moms): two burgers, hot dog, baked beans, chips and guacamole

Also: chocolate brownie, peanut butter

Dinner (at sisters): many hot wings, ribs, cole slaw, baked beans, figs, key like pie

Also (at home): banana, nuts

3am snack: z-bar

I did really well on my race, and then proceeded to overeat the next day.

Took kiddo on a long walk this morning around my parents neighborhood.  After we got back, I was showering and caught sight of a mosquito, which of course had to be killed.  I did get her, but managed to break the pins holding in the toilet seat in one of my parents bathrooms.  Luckily, the toilet was cracked in the house behind the house (affectionately known as grandmas house, as that was its original purpose in the 80s) so my dad and I just moved that seat into the house proper, and as it was an improvement overall (the lid now stays up), I felt pretty good about it.  Damned mosquitos.

Finished up the evening with an impromptu trip to my sisters to swim, which also of course entailed more eating.   My kid did not get to see a fireworks show.. maybe next year.

Last weekend with kiddo before she heads down to Florida with bitchface.  She is really reluctant to go with her mom, who will undoubtedly stress her out to the point of another IBS flare up, but I'm hoping when she gets down there, my former in-laws can take over and save the day/week.  Ugh

As for me, I really have nothing planned, other than lifting.  I'd like to have a date or get some therapy or both.  Last week was depression of the highest order, so bad my boss told me to leave to get some time off.

If I fail at girls/talk maybe I'll just read books and record, but I feel nothing rewarding lately.  

Life is passing me in the fast lane.

20140703

Thursday was the final 5k in my summer race series.  At some point after the first race, which went horribly, I switched back from the asics I'd bought back to brooks.  I've probably blown close to $1000 on running shoes that don't work right, if you consider the toe shoes and minimalist shoes and asics and the wrong type of brooks.  Anyway I went back to the same shoes I ran in last year and the last three 5ks have gone much better.

Lunch: chicken and tater tots

Dinner: banana and tater tots

After race: shitty hamburgers and watermelon 

Later (at moms): chocolate brownies

I haven't been sleeping well at all, and Thursday was no exception.  I got about five hours but made it to work, was an ass during a team meeting and spent the rest of the day in solitary cube confinement, working on JMS for an upcoming integration project.  One coworker actually inquired about lunch but I didn't think mall chinese would do for pre-race dining, so I politely declined. Went home and took Flynn on a walk since it was so nice, and just had lunch there.

I napped about an hour or so after work, which was really what I needed, got in the car and headed over to the race.  As usual, I knew absolutely no one else racing, so I stood there and stretched like usual until it was time.  Thankfully they changed the route this year, as last year a train crossed the route about a half mile in, ruining many times.

I had a PR, and stuck around for a sec to grab some crappy food.  There was a party and fireworks planned after the 5k, but seeing as I didn't know anyone, I just got in my car and left.  I did lock eyes with the prettiest girl I'd ran with, but nothing came of it.

I was happy to return to my kiddo and a book.  I'd just finished the iron druid book, and intended to take the mr norrell book but forgot it.  Ended up reading American Gods instead, so now I have two books going at once.  Argh.

20140701

dreamed about the end of the world last night. i was alone. the moon was too close. i tried to reach my daughter but could not. it was terrifying, and now i'm awake and need to go to work.

yesterday:
lunch: bbq chicken, greens, twice baked potato salad
dinner: chicken, tater tots
later: bowl of raisin bran, nuts