The days bleed together
Free time wanes yet again
The circle closes in on itself
And again I'll sit alone
Pondering the past, sadly
Wondering how we got here
Will the years varnish away
All the anger and sadness
Will our love be sanded down
For display purposes only
The heretic moved on
Why can't you
Abused and used up and yet
You are eternally hopeful
And eternally bitter
Go write a greeting card
20101226
20101225
20101225
His birthday has come and gone
Princess seems happy enough
The wife leaves yet again
Takes her clouds with her
Her departure brings the snow
A white Christmas for us
But not for her
Hers is a hard road
And she'll walk it alone
I again place my faith in Him
To see us through this darkness
I see so much sorrow
So much evil
In this sad, sad world
Is there nothing of value
What is the purpose
Of so much suffering
Is there a light at the end
Of my tunnel
Of hers?
Princess seems happy enough
The wife leaves yet again
Takes her clouds with her
Her departure brings the snow
A white Christmas for us
But not for her
Hers is a hard road
And she'll walk it alone
I again place my faith in Him
To see us through this darkness
I see so much sorrow
So much evil
In this sad, sad world
Is there nothing of value
What is the purpose
Of so much suffering
Is there a light at the end
Of my tunnel
Of hers?
20101224
20101224-3
She sleeps here one last time
Rehashing tired arguments
Pretending she's someone else
But I have to admit
All those years
I was the one playing pretend
Pretending she was decent
Evil I found and I embraced it
Covered for it, enabled it
Year after year
Did I sell my soul for this?
In my desperate virginal haze
Did I ask for a woman
No matter the cost
Whatever's on the couch tonight
It's not the woman I loved
She'll never get it back
Poor stupid girl
Rehashing tired arguments
Pretending she's someone else
But I have to admit
All those years
I was the one playing pretend
Pretending she was decent
Evil I found and I embraced it
Covered for it, enabled it
Year after year
Did I sell my soul for this?
In my desperate virginal haze
Did I ask for a woman
No matter the cost
Whatever's on the couch tonight
It's not the woman I loved
She'll never get it back
Poor stupid girl
20101224
Unopened mail waits
Clocks tick expectantly
Uncared for home erodes
Just let it go, and I might
The anchor broken in two
Set adrift on a starless night
I still sleep on my side
Cause she told me to
I have a new journey ahead
Find myself, define myself
What do I want
A reed in the wind no longer
Awareness of self, and hope
Tomorrow brings Christmas
Season of joy and beginnings
Take a page from her book
And ask yourself triumphantly
What's in it for me
Clocks tick expectantly
Uncared for home erodes
Just let it go, and I might
The anchor broken in two
Set adrift on a starless night
I still sleep on my side
Cause she told me to
I have a new journey ahead
Find myself, define myself
What do I want
A reed in the wind no longer
Awareness of self, and hope
Tomorrow brings Christmas
Season of joy and beginnings
Take a page from her book
And ask yourself triumphantly
What's in it for me
20101224-2
Everything comes back around
Her sweetness removes all doubt
Letters to Peter Pan
With instructions of course
She is your salvation
Love her with all your heart
But let her spread her wings
And take that majestic flight
Every day a new adventure
Don't lose sight of yourself
It's us two against the world
Never look back!
Her sweetness removes all doubt
Letters to Peter Pan
With instructions of course
She is your salvation
Love her with all your heart
But let her spread her wings
And take that majestic flight
Every day a new adventure
Don't lose sight of yourself
It's us two against the world
Never look back!
20101224-diary
soooo
today i woke up and ran. although it was quite cold, so not my normal distance. yesterday's run was really awesome... the trails behind parents house and the whole neighborhood. very good way to clear my mind.
anyway, afterwards, cleaned up and drove down to pick up m.. fell asleep on the couch while she was watching peter pan (with jeremy irons). woke up about 1pm and took her home, where we proceeded to watch temple of doom again.
we then went to mass. m and i sat next to brother/nephew, who had also arrived right before it started. i could not deal with seeing cousins and their happy little fucking families. and m was tired. i gave $10 for some reason. maybe to give back. it just felt right at the time.
i am truly blessed to have made it this far through this ordeal, and i do thank god for that. but seeing my cousins happily married made me feel so small and embarassed to have FAILED at it, and maddie was tired, that we ducked out essentially right after they processed back at the end.
we drove home and i called a, who was already "camped out" at the house with shitty dog the hair machine. her intention was to pick m up and take her to d's. but m was tired and didn't feel good and basically told her mom no when we got there. i laughed afterwards, cause a just said fuck it and left. i made m some noodles and then we read a berenstain bears book and she crashed out in my bed.
she prepared two cupcakes and milk for santa, each cupcake had a strawberry icing heart on top. pretty damn cute, if i do say so myself. i hope beyond hope that she has a good christmas morning with as little drama as possible. we're going out to bro's and then to sis's i believe.
and sunday, her aunt is going to come pick her up and take her their christmas. i hear a now...
bleh.
today i woke up and ran. although it was quite cold, so not my normal distance. yesterday's run was really awesome... the trails behind parents house and the whole neighborhood. very good way to clear my mind.
anyway, afterwards, cleaned up and drove down to pick up m.. fell asleep on the couch while she was watching peter pan (with jeremy irons). woke up about 1pm and took her home, where we proceeded to watch temple of doom again.
we then went to mass. m and i sat next to brother/nephew, who had also arrived right before it started. i could not deal with seeing cousins and their happy little fucking families. and m was tired. i gave $10 for some reason. maybe to give back. it just felt right at the time.
i am truly blessed to have made it this far through this ordeal, and i do thank god for that. but seeing my cousins happily married made me feel so small and embarassed to have FAILED at it, and maddie was tired, that we ducked out essentially right after they processed back at the end.
we drove home and i called a, who was already "camped out" at the house with shitty dog the hair machine. her intention was to pick m up and take her to d's. but m was tired and didn't feel good and basically told her mom no when we got there. i laughed afterwards, cause a just said fuck it and left. i made m some noodles and then we read a berenstain bears book and she crashed out in my bed.
she prepared two cupcakes and milk for santa, each cupcake had a strawberry icing heart on top. pretty damn cute, if i do say so myself. i hope beyond hope that she has a good christmas morning with as little drama as possible. we're going out to bro's and then to sis's i believe.
and sunday, her aunt is going to come pick her up and take her their christmas. i hear a now...
bleh.
20101223
20101223
Fall in and out of love
With your circular reasoning
Take the swiftest current
Another victim of the whirlpool
High on the tides
Stuck on a course
You lost sight of me
But I'm still watching
From calmer waters
I'd throw you a rope
But you'd just drag me down
Some days I'd prefer that
To what I have ahead of me
With your circular reasoning
Take the swiftest current
Another victim of the whirlpool
High on the tides
Stuck on a course
You lost sight of me
But I'm still watching
From calmer waters
I'd throw you a rope
But you'd just drag me down
Some days I'd prefer that
To what I have ahead of me
20101222
20101222-3
She swims in the shallow end
Anyone can touch the bottom
Every morning I still dive in
Facefirst into the sadness
She bartered us away
Traded for new social circles
A gamble with no odds
Everybody loses this one
Was our situation so dire
That she'd throw us away
So easily, so easily
A matter of weeks, of days
I have to ask
I have to wonder
Did she ever love me
Did she ever love us
Anyone can touch the bottom
Every morning I still dive in
Facefirst into the sadness
She bartered us away
Traded for new social circles
A gamble with no odds
Everybody loses this one
Was our situation so dire
That she'd throw us away
So easily, so easily
A matter of weeks, of days
I have to ask
I have to wonder
Did she ever love me
Did she ever love us
20101222-2
Center of attention as usual
Grit my teeth a final time
Bought a landfill miles away
Disappointment sets in again
How many trips will it take
To push you out of my head
Chew your nails down
Calm your restless legs
Embrace your escape plan
Push it down until it explodes
Right in your face
By then I'll be gone
And it'll be too late
Grit my teeth a final time
Bought a landfill miles away
Disappointment sets in again
How many trips will it take
To push you out of my head
Chew your nails down
Calm your restless legs
Embrace your escape plan
Push it down until it explodes
Right in your face
By then I'll be gone
And it'll be too late
20101222
Prospects are green today
Her little game of pretend
She chases after others
I have to let it go
Defeat is staring at me
Across a field of comments
Truth of the matter is
She slipped through your fingers
Once you've moved past it
That's when her regret
Will finally surface
That's when her eyes will open
To what she has done
By then
My eyes will be closed
Her little game of pretend
She chases after others
I have to let it go
Defeat is staring at me
Across a field of comments
Truth of the matter is
She slipped through your fingers
Once you've moved past it
That's when her regret
Will finally surface
That's when her eyes will open
To what she has done
By then
My eyes will be closed
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