20110625
20110624
20110624
Kiddo went to putt-putt yesterday. Picked her up and came home to find that Lego Pirates had arrived for the xbox. And there was much rejoicing. We played about an hour, then had dinner.
We attempted to play baseball, as we had played for a couple of hours the day before, but she lost her temper and I put a stop to the game.
I am trying my best to calm her down a bit, but divorce does this to kids. She screams and yells when things don't go her way; I'm working with her in the only way I know how.
She had timeout after the fit and xbox/baseball were off the table. She played by herself for awhile, but eventually I came and played house with her a sec. We watched a little tv (something on a science channel), caught fireflies, read books and then bed.
She is back in her bed again, against her nightly protests. It's been hard since the divorce but she'll be better off in the long run.
It is so hard being the only parent. I must continuously deal with the reality that my best might not be good enough when it comes to parenting. That my inadequacies translate to other facets of my life doesn't bother me per se; the fact that my daughter might suffer does. A lot.
We attempted to play baseball, as we had played for a couple of hours the day before, but she lost her temper and I put a stop to the game.
I am trying my best to calm her down a bit, but divorce does this to kids. She screams and yells when things don't go her way; I'm working with her in the only way I know how.
She had timeout after the fit and xbox/baseball were off the table. She played by herself for awhile, but eventually I came and played house with her a sec. We watched a little tv (something on a science channel), caught fireflies, read books and then bed.
She is back in her bed again, against her nightly protests. It's been hard since the divorce but she'll be better off in the long run.
It is so hard being the only parent. I must continuously deal with the reality that my best might not be good enough when it comes to parenting. That my inadequacies translate to other facets of my life doesn't bother me per se; the fact that my daughter might suffer does. A lot.
20110623
20110623
This belief is incontrovertible
Hold it well up high to scrutiny
Body and mind's needs in twain
Back out of your driveway again
Merge into human trafficking
Find a new search engine
Everything on your own terms
Hold it well up high to scrutiny
Body and mind's needs in twain
Back out of your driveway again
Merge into human trafficking
Find a new search engine
Everything on your own terms
20110622
20110622
Let's exercise all over again
Run the established routine
Half awake, and half asleep
Sell it all to make the scene
One foot in front of the other
Sign on the dotted line
Go until your body stops you
Sell it all and you'll be fine
One lie right after the other
Tell yourself you can skip in line
Stop before your mind stops you
Sell it all, you'll never be fine
Utility's killing all over again
So weary of the routine
I'd rather just stay asleep
Sell it all and fuck the scene
Run the established routine
Half awake, and half asleep
Sell it all to make the scene
One foot in front of the other
Sign on the dotted line
Go until your body stops you
Sell it all and you'll be fine
One lie right after the other
Tell yourself you can skip in line
Stop before your mind stops you
Sell it all, you'll never be fine
Utility's killing all over again
So weary of the routine
I'd rather just stay asleep
Sell it all and fuck the scene
20110621
20110621-2
happy birthday to my eldest brother, who still believes i'm a die hard catholic. also happy summer solstice. cough.
final conversation thread cut
calorie counting the hours down
syndrome of the universe
symptom of an eternal frown
little lies cut little ties
unauthorized to conceptualize
fleeting memories across town
ever head southbound and down
figure eight to pirouette
no one cared to notice yet
final conversation thread cut
calorie counting the hours down
syndrome of the universe
symptom of an eternal frown
little lies cut little ties
unauthorized to conceptualize
fleeting memories across town
ever head southbound and down
figure eight to pirouette
no one cared to notice yet
20110621
What am I going to do with a gf
Besides the fucking obvious
Nature and its compulsive needs
The sad habit of togetherness
Cant see another kid in the cards
Repeat the cycle of gain and loss
Invites for another happy couple
Shamed into inevitable decoupling
Stars crossed with selfishness
The new curse of our generation
No one has the patience for life
Pretty women with vacuous minds
Paired with men who evacuate
Lacking the courage for eternity
Devotion, honor have no meaning
When it's always about you
So I built a suburban island
With my one remnant intact
She's a beautiful little thing
All I can do is my best
And hope it's enough
Besides the fucking obvious
Nature and its compulsive needs
The sad habit of togetherness
Cant see another kid in the cards
Repeat the cycle of gain and loss
Invites for another happy couple
Shamed into inevitable decoupling
Stars crossed with selfishness
The new curse of our generation
No one has the patience for life
Pretty women with vacuous minds
Paired with men who evacuate
Lacking the courage for eternity
Devotion, honor have no meaning
When it's always about you
So I built a suburban island
With my one remnant intact
She's a beautiful little thing
All I can do is my best
And hope it's enough
20110620
20110620
what a day.
got kiddo to camp. had some static from her as she wanted to wear an old dress that doesn't fit anymore and i insisted that she wore a shirt and skirt/shorts. her activities this week: botanic garden, swimming, and putt-putt.
work was a mess. i am basically in charge of all user/group provisioning for a huge cloud project, because i stepped up, as usual. my part is fine, but waiting on a database because the one dba with the "knowledge" to install microsoft sql server is on vacation is silly. and they won't allow me to click freaking setup.exe and go.
the real story was this afternoon, as the ex began texting me calling me a "prick" because i asked her to start paying her child support when she got a new job. i calmly explained that the money wasn't for me, it was for our child, and if she wanted we could establish an account in her name instead of mine. she has paid $0 towards m since she moved out in december. that's seven months with absolutely no financial requirement for one's child. and to top it off, she asked me to provide spending money for my kid when her family takes her on vacation over the fourth. how could i have married such a person in the first place. but wait, she changed. a lot. it's so sad. i told my friend every time my dumbfuck ex opens her mouth i get five new songs.
she needed a washed white t-shirt for tie dyeing so we grabbed one after work.
she wanted to watch one show, and we did, but the rest of the evening was devoted to playing with daddy. we put it on one of the music channels and danced, we played tag for probably an hour (although the base mysteriously kept moving around!), we drew pictures together, we had a wrestling/kungfu/karate competition, she wrote a song, we caught fireflies, read books, and she was out.. in her own bed!
she got upset and told me she didn't want to go on vacation with her mom's family. i just held her and comforted as best i could.
we had hot dogs, corn on the cob and mashed potatoes for dinner.
i'm still crying randomly. but with the tears comes resolve. i'm slowly reprogramming myself.
got kiddo to camp. had some static from her as she wanted to wear an old dress that doesn't fit anymore and i insisted that she wore a shirt and skirt/shorts. her activities this week: botanic garden, swimming, and putt-putt.
work was a mess. i am basically in charge of all user/group provisioning for a huge cloud project, because i stepped up, as usual. my part is fine, but waiting on a database because the one dba with the "knowledge" to install microsoft sql server is on vacation is silly. and they won't allow me to click freaking setup.exe and go.
the real story was this afternoon, as the ex began texting me calling me a "prick" because i asked her to start paying her child support when she got a new job. i calmly explained that the money wasn't for me, it was for our child, and if she wanted we could establish an account in her name instead of mine. she has paid $0 towards m since she moved out in december. that's seven months with absolutely no financial requirement for one's child. and to top it off, she asked me to provide spending money for my kid when her family takes her on vacation over the fourth. how could i have married such a person in the first place. but wait, she changed. a lot. it's so sad. i told my friend every time my dumbfuck ex opens her mouth i get five new songs.
she needed a washed white t-shirt for tie dyeing so we grabbed one after work.
she wanted to watch one show, and we did, but the rest of the evening was devoted to playing with daddy. we put it on one of the music channels and danced, we played tag for probably an hour (although the base mysteriously kept moving around!), we drew pictures together, we had a wrestling/kungfu/karate competition, she wrote a song, we caught fireflies, read books, and she was out.. in her own bed!
she got upset and told me she didn't want to go on vacation with her mom's family. i just held her and comforted as best i could.
we had hot dogs, corn on the cob and mashed potatoes for dinner.
i'm still crying randomly. but with the tears comes resolve. i'm slowly reprogramming myself.
20110619
20110619
Little more than halfway done
Realize it's only year one
So thankful for all who helped
Navigate the aftermath dealt
Damaged goods with iron will
Now I've my own damage to deal
Discover a new font of power
Time grows shorter by the hour
Stranded with a broken compass
A mirror my only witness
Chart a new course each day
Destination: Bungeling Bay
Crash right into the ocean's roar
Forget the comfort of the shore
The past is now yours to raid
Redefine happy and you've got it made
Realize it's only year one
So thankful for all who helped
Navigate the aftermath dealt
Damaged goods with iron will
Now I've my own damage to deal
Discover a new font of power
Time grows shorter by the hour
Stranded with a broken compass
A mirror my only witness
Chart a new course each day
Destination: Bungeling Bay
Crash right into the ocean's roar
Forget the comfort of the shore
The past is now yours to raid
Redefine happy and you've got it made
20110618
20110618
Out of new books to read
Games have all been beaten
And so has everything else
Keep the pet alive another day
Clean the house yet again
Fight with the yard, and lose
Embrace a new repetition
A new form of escape
Succumb to sameness
Wash away your iniquities
Cleanse all of my sins
For I am truly not worthy
Not worthy to receive you
But how does one measure worth
The yardstick beyond repair
Too sad for words
Games have all been beaten
And so has everything else
Keep the pet alive another day
Clean the house yet again
Fight with the yard, and lose
Embrace a new repetition
A new form of escape
Succumb to sameness
Wash away your iniquities
Cleanse all of my sins
For I am truly not worthy
Not worthy to receive you
But how does one measure worth
The yardstick beyond repair
Too sad for words
20110617
20110617
Played sumo with her last night, she always has a blast doing that. Fighting some world class eczema this week on my legs, and I think it's winning. She's getting signed up for swim class for the next two weeks, so that's good. I have this weekend to myself, running/reading/xbox/etc. Still need to decide what, if anything, I'm doing the week of the 4th.
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