20110913

full moon this morning, clear skies, relatively hot. mid 90s even. fuck that noise. two miles, but it was tough. all kinds of strange requests. got angry at m tonight and was generally a dickhead for no good reason, other than she told me she's just like her mommy and her kid is going to be just like her. that shouldn't have upset me, but it did. my bed is broke. i quasi-fixed it, but i really need to get a new bed. the ikea malm minimalist bed looks good, i'll probably go with that when i get back.

day 2:
egg muffins
blt lettuce wraps (f'n yum)
beef jerky
mixed veggies and spinach souffle

20110912

the primal blueprint challenge.

day 1:
egg muffins
grilled chicken salad with bleu cheese dressing (no croutons)
hot dogs and saurkraut
dark chocolate, peanut butter and almonds

no run today, as i ran on saturday (4.5 mi) and sunday (3.3 mi). the garmin is so nice. tonight, i did 3x15 benchpress @ 120 lbs. i'd do more weight but.. i don't have any more weights. i have the bar loaded with a bunch of little weights, and the weight set is from the 80s. fuckit. eventually i'll get a good squat cage.

20110911-2

my kid named this creation today. it was, hands down, the best kitchen experiment we've ever completed together. this tastes AMAZING.

Bananablamasplit Smoothies:
1x Banana
2x Yoplait Orange Creme Yogurt Cups
1/2 Cup Milk
8-10 Ice Cubes

blend ingredients in blender and enjoy :)

20110911

i was walking into work that day, in Oxford, and I'd heard something on the radio. needless to say, we didn't get a lot of work done that day. the entire office essentially just huddled around our monitors and watched news footage. this was two months prior to my wedding date, and the icy manipulator and i were still working together at the time. i remember us being in the loop much better than anyone else around because we had access to irc where a lot of the earliest reports were coming in. this was well before twitter and all that nonsense. i felt violated at the time. i also remember hearing there was cheering from some muslims in our student union. anyway, it was a sad day. and today is too.

20110909-2

life is better. lunch helped. coworker helped, even though he doesn't know it. looking for a sword for the house. and some new shirts. you know, the usual.

20110909

this 9/11 song on the radio completely destroyed me. i was a little girl talking to her dad in heaven. total waterworks. of course, i'm thinking of the song in different terms. life goes on. for one more day.

20110907

feels nice to take a break from elliott for a spell.

so i started thinking about my body/mind situation last night, and discovered a few curiosities. the more weight i lose, the more self confidence i have (yes, i heard you say "duh").. problem is, for me, with self confidence, comes egotism and arrogance. i wonder thusly if my mind has been fighting my body to try and maintain some semblance of "nice" in my personality, by feeding my face instead of my ego. and now i'm wondering again if my quest for a healthy body is going to end up a failure because i will still dislike the person in the mirror at the end of it, for different reasons.

i'm not going to stop doing what i'm doing mind you, but this is one of those rare days when i'm afforded the clarity of conscience required to properly analyze my progress sans preconceived notions about their altruistic motivations. in other words, i can stop bullshitting myself about my intentions for a second and focus on the real WHY behind what i'm doing. i wish i could say in all honesty that what i'm attempting has nothing to do with my ex, but that is a lie, and i know it. does it mean i'll fail? no. it's not like i'm trying to pull excalibur from the stone here. i'm simply trying to conquer my own body, and in that i must always remember that exercise is a math equation, not an emotional journey. the separation of ego from my fitness goals is essential.

now i'm wondering whether separation of ego is essential for my other goals as well.

the embodiment of nature, loss, and truth. drudkh, a black metal band by trade, but i don't think anyone would consider this black metal when first hearing it.

20110905

so i'm watching the parade from dragoncon and i realize that i need to center in on what kind of person i am. am i a geek? surely. do i identify with these people? in many ways, yes. why am i not out there with them? fear, isolationism i guess. being a dad has consumed who i am, sadly. i see women out there and realize it's a much bigger world out there than this room, this house, or this town. plenty of people happy with themselves. who am i to judge any one of them? anyway, i dunno.. it's the middle of the night and i'm up for a sec and just watched it on a whim.

20110904

"dry clean only" is apparently not a suggestion. just tossed a XL sweater which is now small enough for my kid to wear. but it's okay, i despise v necks. why do i own them? i'm not sure.

finally left my sad valentine song for a new one, and it's coming together. conceptually it's good and even fun to play. simple but fun.

i ran yesterday, three miles. it had been a full week since i'd run, because i was nervous about my heel. i've been having some achilles tendon issues when touching my toes. it's strange because i have no problem normally. oh and good, sunday morning and i'm getting pages from work. till next time, readers.

20110902

complete social retardation. two nice looking ladies with no rings. i have no idea how to start this again. never enough. at least my kid had a good time.